Scene 7.24 - In The Light
EST: INT. Guard Room, The Vault Of Knowledge, Roxanopolis, Spring, 1813
STARLIGHT
(They're in the darkness within the center of a small chamber. No one can find a door and a crack of light creeps-in from the latched doorway's keyhole. Their eyes adjust, and so does the camera's so that it seems like near-moonlight later in the scene.)
TERFER
"I'm scared."
MONTY
"Don't be; this is our home for a while."
TERFER
"It's dark."
MONTY
"It's the same room whether it's dark or light. There's nothing in here to be afraid of..."
TERFER
"There's squashed people's ghosts in here."
MONTY
"Now Terfer, don't be goin' on about ghosts. If you promise me you won't be scared anymore, I'll tell you an old joke I heard in prison and maybe I can come up with a way so we can see in here -- even if for only for a second or two."
TERFER
"I can't promise I won't be scared if'n I see a ghost."
MONTY
"Would you be scared if'n you saw the devil?"
TERER
"I dunno, what's he look like for real?"
MONTY
"Well, I guess in the dark it wouldn't matter, would it?"
TERFER
"I guess not."
CAMPY
What in the heck are you guys talking about?
MONTY
Are you getting any of it?
CAMPY
A little. Something about jokes.
MONTY
Bingo. Pay attention; I'm telling a joke to the one person who probably hasn't heard it, so keep quiet until the punchline.
CAMPY
What, you mean your jokes have a punchline? I'm supposed to find them funny?
MONTY
Just wait for the laugh-
CAMPY
The way you tell jokes that will never happen-
MONTY
"Quiet!"
(Silence. Breathing.)
TERFER
"Hey, he understood that!"
MONTY
"Sort of."
TERFER
"So were you gonna tell a joke, or get some "light" all up in here-"
MONTY
"Both, my good lad. Ya see, the devil got three guys like us all in a vault like this and he says to hisself, 'Man, I feel pretty good, bagging all three o' these cats all at once. Hey Cats: Tell ya what, I'm in a really, really good mood and what you all say I put-off all this slowly-devouring-your-souls business for let's say, at least thirteen years, as it might be lucky and all in hell-of-the-upside-downs and what-not. So while y'all in a vault like this, I'm-a gonna give ya each a room of paradise, and whatever you want the most will be in there waitin' for ya. Sound cool? Well, go-to, Cats. See you boys in thirteen years.' Well, the first guy was kinda young-and-scrawny like you, yet not-so-scrawny. He kind of liked to eat, and when he opened the door to the first chamber, as far as the eye could see was a long buffet of the most appetizing and delectable dishes known to man. The fella says, 'Hot dog!' and runs inside. The door slowly closes. (Pause.) Now the second guy was kind of a pervert."
CAMPY
"Talk -- me about you are?"
BOTH
"Yes. Shut up."
TERFER
"Go on."
MONTY
"Where was I?"
TERFER
"The pervert."
MONTY
"Oh yeah. So this second guy, when he opens his door, as far as the eye can see, is a land of young, virginal, willing-and-wanting girls of all shapes, sizes and colors. Not one of them is wearing a stitch of clothing, and they all think he's the cat's meow."
TERFER
"What's the cat's meow?"
MONTY
"You'd think with all the cats in your village, you'd know that saying -- it means these chicks thought he was da bomb."
TERFER
"Oh. Sorry to interrupt."
MONTY
"Hey, no problem, I want you to get this... so the second guy says, 'Dats da shizznit!' and he strolls on in. The door slowly closes. Now the third guy wasn't the youngest of the bunch, but he certainly was the coolest. When he opened-up his door, for as far as the eye could see were mountains upon mountains of marijuana. There was purple hair, red hair, green hair, sativa -- you name it. Dude says, 'Cool Beans!' and saunters in. (Pause.) Thirteen years later. (Pause.) Devil strolls in and says, 'I've been in this hallway before. Didn't I leave some fresh meat in here? Whatever happened to those guys?' He opens up the first door and the kid is right there, totally gross and like so overweight, pimples and scabs all over his body and he says, "Devil! Devil! You gotta help me! There's flies and poop and maggots and worms and rotten food that won't go away and it smells like bad gas in here and-" Devil says, 'Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!' and he slams the door closed. He goes to the second door and opens it. The second guy is right there at the door and he says, 'Devil! Devil! You gotta help me! There's nagging women and kids and diapers everywhere and they want child support and it is that time of the month all the time and they snore and none of them shave their legs anymore and-' Devil says, 'Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!' and he slams the door shut. He creeps to the third door, listens in, not a sound. As he begins to reach for the doorknob, he hears a whisper say, 'Are you there?' The devil, sure of himself, replies, 'Yes, I'm here.' After a short pause, the faceless, raspy whisperer asks, 'Say... Friend... Devil... Buddy... Hey... Ol' pal of mine... Devil... say... say man, you got a match?'"
TERFER
(Wait for it.) "Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-! Sheez, I'd be eatin' it!"
MONTY
That's what I'm sayin'! Be rubbing some o' dem stems together!
(The two laugh together.)
CAMPY
So is the joke over now?
MONTY
Speak Greek.
CAMPY
"End oral climax intercourse you with many donkey-punches?"
MONTY
Okay, in English, what?!?
CAMPY
You done telling the joke?
MONTY
Yeah.
CAMPY
What was the punchline?
MONTY
This. (He lights a wooden match with his thumbnail. An old ceramic lamp is upon a shelf above. MONTY lights it. It brightens the small room.) I have a theory, and this is obviously a guard's room, for the one who lived inside here when- This is your room, Campy.
CAMPY
Not me, him. The bed looks like its his size.
MONTY
It's yours. Everyone back then was a foot shorter, or more. Terfer's room is farther inside.
CAMPY
You know what's past that door?
MONTY
In Greek-
CAMPY
"Door conceived subject wants then from all but you."
TERFER
"He speaks!"
MONTY
He could be a poet. Now sit down and practice your Greek, Campy. We'll bring you in later.
CAMPY
What's inside there?
MONTY
I'm not sure, but I have suspicions. For now, wait here.
CAMPY
In the dark?
MONTY
We'll leave the door open; and we will be back for you -- I promise.
CAMPY
That means alot coming from you.
MONTY
It always does. (Lights a blunt. Passes it to CAMPY.) Do your breathing exercises, Student Of The Shower-Lynn.
CAMPY
Gladly. Thanks. (Pause.) Don't make me nurse this, Casino.
MONTY
That's "Master" to you. We'll be back; be sure to hit that with a full breath. Do the lotus posture; keep your diaphragm strait.
CAMPY
How do I keep my dia-
MONTY
Rigid. Just do it.
(They exit.)
DISSOLVE TO: