Scene 7.10 - An Anniversary Gift
EST: INT. Cell #17, Geronimo Bay, The Keys - January 12th, 1801
(SADIE enters MONTY'S cell with a guard we've seen before. Note: Nobody really ever ages in this book.)
SADIE
Has it been another year already?
MONTY
Two years. This begins year three.
SADIE
Oh yes, there's the mark from -- Olaf, go get two of those leaky buckets in the first-floor washroom closet, Bureaucrat's on year three, he gets a gift or two for his continued patronage.
MONTY
So... (Like two secretaries having Saturday afternoon brunch together:) How's the job treating you?
SADIE
Tsk! Same as always. Misery: Day in, day out.
MONTY
How about the conference this year?
SADIE
Actually just got back; thanks for asking. This year they merged it with our bi-annual international holiday trade conference in Mexico City. It was the sales reps from Devil's Island who suggested that one, and as shop steward on this side of the globe, I sure don't blame them. I'm back here a lot more now, and that's okay, but this year it wasn't all good. First trip was almost my last... If you're ever in Mexico City, don't drink the water. Montezuma's Curse is real. I should've ordered whiskey on ice; hold the E-coli. (Farts wetly.) Speaking of which, I either got to cut this short and carve something into your forehead or maybe just save the guard fifty trips to the well and say to hell with union rules and give you a swirlie that you won't ever forget. (Squart? Shart?) Ugh! I sure won't...
MONTY
(Not so much like a secretary now...) A swirlie?
SADIE
You're not into that sort-of-thing, are you? Good. You see, my latrine is five floors down and well, Olaf is bringing me a bucket.
MONTY
What's the bucket for?
SADIE
Waterboarding.
MONTY
Waterboarding?
SADIE
Yeah, I know, it's so like not even torture -- mental scars, what's that about anyway? (Shifts.) How can P-T-S-D even count? The union says it's gotta be included in my regimen -- truthfully, it throws my whole system outta whack -- yeah, that's proabably why I was off a year or two with you; I'm always over-compensating with you newbies -- I mean, until you've made it for your fifth year, I really don't even take note of you -- 'Cept you, maybe, you're young and kinda cute for a bone heap half-covered in burlap... You've got promise, Bureaucrat. You have the potential to even outlast me. (Farts again.) What's with the buckets already?
OLAF
Right here, boss!
SADIE
Idiot! Stupido! You've spilled half of it running-up the steps!
OLAF
Sorry, boss.
SADIE
Nah, it's okay, I need one half-emptied, anyway. Go get me some of those rags from the cleaning closet down the hall.
OLAF
Right away, boss.
SADIE
Lie down there on the floor, Bureaucrat, near the corner there, by the drainhole. We gotta have a talk. I'm going to ask you a few questions. If you get one wrong, I'll dump whatever managed to find its way from Mexico to me to this bucket onto you. (Grunts as she hikes her skirt, revealing leg garters and fishnet stockings and knee-high latex boots. She squats.) If you get your answers right, I'll pour some of that water on you instead. (OLAF hands her a small bundle of rags.) If you land up over the course of my constitutional to answer more questions correctly than incorrectly, I'll give you a few more of these rags to clean yourself up and maybe even patch those rags you're callin' clothes. You look pitiful, man, looks like you haven't bathed yourself in years.
MONTY
I haven't. (Picks teeth with a sharpened rat femur. At least his dental hygiene hasn't suffered.) Is this gonna take long? I've got other things to do today.
SADIE
Oh yeah? Like what?
MONTY
I'm counting the stones in this cell. There's sixty-nine-thousand-six-hundred-and-ninety-six of them. I've counted them all. I'm on my fifth time counting.
SADIE
Halfway there. Uh. So what number are you on?
MONTY
Sixty-nine-thousand-six-hundred-and-sixty-nine.
SADIE
Oh. Of the ninety-six total?
OLAF
Got the rags for Bjork-rat, milady.
SADIE
No, no, for me. I just needed one. Aw, he can have the other six to patch them clothes up... So is that nine on the last one you counted before or the one you're about to count next after this one?
MONTY
What nine?
SADIE
The number you're on, was it really eight about to be nine or nine about to be ten?
MONTY
Nine. Sixty-nine.
SADIE
Or is it like you've counted and are on number six or have you only counted them all four times?
MONTY
I'm on number five for counting.
SADIE
Of what stone? Was it sixty-eight and you were about to count sixty-nine or are you really on seventy now?
MONTY
No, I counted nine.
SADIE
So it is really seventy now. Which pebble was it?
MONTY
That one.
SADIE
You work right to left or up and down?
MONTY
I have my own little path.
SADIE
So where do you go from there?
MONTY
That one, by the door.
SADIE
This one all the way over here?
MONTY
Yes.
SADIE
That's a wacked-out path. Why over here?
MONTY
That one looks like a face looking out.
SADIE
Out to what number? Seventy? The one you were on, or is it seventy-one, this one?
MONTY
The other one. Maybe it was sixty-nine.
SADIE
Maybe you might have skipped one somewhere along the way, because if this is seventy-one, then sixty-eight isn't even in the equation, you'd have to go three back from seventy, right? So what's three back from the face rock? (Gestures with rag:) This little guy?
MONTY
No. That one.
SADIE
That one, the one that looks like, like a, like a rock? So is that sixty-eight or sixty-seven?
MONTY
(Feeling the inevitibility -- throws in towel, shaking head -- what was the question again?) I don't know.
SADIE
(Grunts.) Ah, much better. By the way, that was a wrong answer. You were doing real good up until then, so I'll let you use the bucket of water to rinse-off from this first bucket and we'll call this a day. Close your eyes, you don't want any o' this to invade your immune system, bro. Mental anguish is enough, believe me. Nah, you're not sitting still... Cornhole!
(Kicks him in the muscle-that-shall-not-be-named, except by common jargon: "The Taint.")
ECU: WINCING PAINED FACE OF MONTY -- LIPS PURSED; EYES TIGHT
MS: JAILER
SADIE
Good, good! Stay like that, and I know you're thirsty, but don't lick your lips or I'll add some vomit to the mix, I promise...
(Pours a runny bucket of brown water to the drain, MONTY is prone, below, unseen. OLAF pours a little water over MONTY'S closed eyes.)
SADIE (Cont'd)
Oh! So gross.
OLAF
You can say that again, boss.
SADIE
So gross. (Swaps buckets with OLAF. It's always only water on him, but MONTY doesn't think so.) Here's the water bucket. Rinse off. Wipe your face with the rag. Olaf take the rag, give me a clean one. Rinse again, Bureaucrat. Here's a clean rag. Okay. Open your eyes. Tell you what, boy. Keep this crappy bucket to collect rainwater and to wash yourself occasionally, you need it. Oh, take the other one too, but remember that this one is your clean bucket, okay? Bureaucrat, you're a real good sport, gotta try to stay looking good. (Slaps his twice-rinsed face twice, lightly.) And remember, next year you're gonna owe me double. So... Which rock do you start at first when you count?
MONTY
Always that one; the one that looks like a big keyhole leading to a sunny park with a fountain and little children playing inside-
SADIE
(Marks it with a blade.) So it's the fourth time over again since you didn't count five completely, right? You're gonna need to start over from here and see which rock you skipped so you don't skip it again.
MS: MONTY
MONTY
(Somber, after wiping his face dry. A glimpse of his humanity revealed:) I know.
SADIE
Good luck, Bureaucrat; you look better already. See you next year, pal, keep me posted on how your rock-counting progresses.
(They exit.)
SADIE (Cont'd)
(We follow them out as they cross a plaza and descend the grand tower staircase.) What's he having tonight, Olaf?
OLAF
Augh, this floor gets Baked Brisket with Brown Gravy Caper Sauce a la Soup Du Jour on days that end wit' a Y.
SADIE
Huh. Boiled rat soup with rat-turds, pond water and algae-sprouts? No, no, I like Bureaucrat, he's a good sport -- let's keep him off the brown gravy for a week, at least. For now, it's best to keep him strictly Alfredo.
OLAF
Alfredo, milady?
SADIE
White-sauce. Give him the white sauce from the first-floor dungeon with his rat-brisket.
OLAF
(Counts-out with fingers.) Minced mushroom, moat-mold, muskrat-milk, maggot-meat and spider egg sauce? Oh-ho! Oh-ho! That's fo' the n'bility, milady.
SADIE
Bureaucrat's earned it, he's practically noble. Gotta keep him cute, like Prince Charming.
OLAF
They'z probably out of spider eggs, boss, we all gotta hunt those up this time of year.
SADIE
Yeah. Either that, or use that protein-loaded mussel-mucus from the second level dungeon, whatever they got growin' down there; white soup only, just for a few weeks, at least. Tell them it's for Bureaucrat.
OLAF
Yes boss, white soup only for Bjork-Rat on days that end with a Y.
SADIE
Right! Keep brown off of his menu entirely, even if it's a badger-beef holiday -- he's traumatized; I'm sure. I could see it in his eyes; he bought it... maybe this psycho-trauma thing has got more to it than I thought... White sauce only; the good stuff. He needs to eat regularly and we can't let our regimen of annual torture affect his normal, daily dietary needs. He's pretty lanky, such poor nutrition -- what's with these inmates? Looked like he was practically starving.
OLAF
Milady, he is starving.
SADIE
Oh! You're right, he is! Tell you what, Olaf... Give him a double helping of white-sauce tonight and share some of that fungi-cake that they give to the political prisoners on level three, I want him to remember this as a good day.
OLAF
Yes, Mistress Sadie. Every day is a good day that ends with a Y. Bjork-Rat gets a good day.
SADIE
Yeah, every day is a good day... You're my smartest guard, Olaf, 'cause you let me do all the thinking for you. (Somebody's gotta do it...) Oh, Olaf, the pains we go through to give our guests the best accommodations possible.
OLAF
Yes, boss.
SADIE
Our extra effort is seldom appreciated. Did you notice that Bureaucrat never even thanked me for giving him buckets and rags?
OLAF
A shame milady, a terrible shame.
SADIE
Not to mention no praise for pointing-out his counting discrepancy? Why, he would have been as wrong as the Julian calendar!
OLAF
They're unworthy of your generosity, boss. Unworthy.
SADIE
Olaf, you say it the best. Remind me to keep you around.
OLAF
Keep me 'roun', boss, keep me 'roun'.
SADIE
(Fondles her riding crop.) I'm sure I will, Olaf, I'm sure I will.
FTB