Scene 7.17 - The River
EST: EXT. Spooky, Foreboding Island - Day.
(MONTY and CHONGI and POKE have anchored off-shore of a much different island, one with a large hill in a central valley and the strange phenomenon of having five rivers that flow inland to the valley and three that wash from the hill outward to their respective deltas. The Molly May is anchored at the mouth of The Cream (The Little Yellow) River, the largest inbound river -- flowing from the West to the East, which eventually merges with the Little Nile, which floats the offerings of the hill Northward, toward the cold, dark sea. The Little Volga and The Little Lena are curiosities, but like the other waterways of the island, they play no part in this scene so they get no further mention... MONTY rows the boat. POKE and CHONGI are cuddling and whispering to each other.)
MONTY
Will you two stop all the no he can't hear us gossip back there? I thought she was spost to be mute.
POKE
She is, but she can still mouth the words -- in addition to English, she speaks five other native languages, did you know that?
MONTY
How can you see her mouth the words, Old Man?
POKE
Do you not hear her lips move? I can hear every one of her eyelashes meeting a mate below, once every seven seconds, like a Sadie-Hawkins dance -- I hear her heart beat, like a thoroughbred horse riding a race. How can you not hear what she says?
MONTY
Old Man, sometimes you don't make sense atall. It's not so simple -- even you had trouble hearing her back when we found her.
POKE
I wasn't listening to her spaces between her words -- I was unaware she had no voice. In meeting her, I learned a new lesson.
MONTY
How come I can't hear her then?
POKE
Perhaps you're still deaf to many things, Grass-Burner. Do you not hear the natives in the trees nearby?
MONTY
Yes! Yes! No - no, which tree?
POKE
A blind man, a mute girl and a deaf boy -- quite a trio -- those trees -- that way.
MONTY
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil... I see them! Oh, what's that they're doing?
CHONGI
(Closed captioned:) It's the Warriors Of The Coast! They're killers!
POKE
Chongi says we should look out for them -- they may try to kill us...
(Suddenly, from the thick jungle, blow-darts race toward them. CHONGI ducks. POKE cooly-dodges his head several times; narrowly avoiding many. MONTY does it the best; flicking away, ducking, turning sideways and catching one in his teeth.)
MONTY
(Picks it from teeth, wipes teeth with knuckle and smells dart, avoiding some stray volleys now and then.) Hmmmmm. A local extract from a local vine -- hmm... chondrodendron tormentosum, Turbocurarine chloride -- curare -- these natives mean to kill us. They must be very afraid -- don't they know that we mean 'em no harm? Best to go mellow with this bunch. Cool them out.
(They break-out a reed flute, maracas, a tambourine and a cowbell and play acid rock. Darts are swatted-away throughout.)
POKE
(Deeply sung, to CHONGI:) In The Garden Of Eden Honey, Don't You Know That I Love You... In The Garden Of Eden Baby, Don't You Know That I'll Always Be True... (MONTY'S cool new riff goes here.) Oh won't you come with me, and take my hand... Oh, won't you come with me, and we'll walk this land, please take my hand...
(Incidentally, props to Iron Butterfly. I saw them perform a while ago. They had a different keyboardist, though you wouldn't have known it 'cept that he was my age; a fellow twenty-something Gen-X-er. It rained cats and dogs and a few other critters that night and I was one of maybe fifty hardcore souls who braved the storm to see them. To lure us out, the local rock station had offered free tickets at the door. Best free concert I've attended so far, and I've seen a boat-load of awsome concerts in my life that didn't cost me a dime.)
DISSOLVE TO:
MUSIC: Musical Segue to other heavy mellow music.
POKE (Cont'd)
...Took all my money... Sunk my boat from afar, Now she's with Mary and one of my buddies, theys tokin' behind an upscale bar, sometimes I feel, sometimes I feel... I feel like I'm tied... (Abrupt:) Do you hear that?
(They've negotiated many miles into the river -- bends, tidepools, whirlpools, rapids -- some natives come to the shoreline, pointing and shouting. The natives are covered in camo paint and are nearly naked. They also carry bows and arrows.)
MONTY
Yes! More natives, thicker ones -- less arboreal; these don't climb the trees as much. (Pause.) What are they saying?
CHONGI
(Closed Captioned:) They're saying that there's meat floating on the river...
POKE
They think we're part of the dinner menu, Grass-Burner.
MONTY
Say wha? Cannibals? I'd sooner eat Beef Stroganoff with brown rice and Chocolate Mousse for dessert. They're gonna hafta do without.
(He expertly-and-lazily swats-away a few poison-tipped arrows. He catches one, breaks it and throws it to the river. The natives, afraid of this magic river-monster, run to the safety of the darkness of overgrowth.)
POKE
(Lighting a blunt from a flaming arrow he plucks from the row-boat hull. Chucks it.) These natives are becoming a nuisance.
(Arrow. POKE chucks the flaming arrow. Give POKE some credit.)
MONTY
I need to solve this problem once and for all. Their weapons are getting bigger the farther downriver we go. I don't think the next tribe will want to join us in a round of "Kumbaya." Let me swim ahead, you two camp on shore, here; head-out at sunrise.
(He pulls the boat ashore and dives back into the river and swims away. CHONGI sits on POKE's lap. Neither leave the boat.)
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CANNIBAL CAMP - SUNRISE
(The cannibal chieftain [CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD - ~cheap movie~] is sleeping soundly in the center of the camp, next to the smoky coals of last night's bonfire. Long spears driven butt-first into the ground permeate the modest camp, many spears with skulls adorning their sharpened tops. The cannibal slowly opens his eyes and is immediately-jolted-awake upon realizing the lotus-postured man watching him sleep a few yards away is not part of his previous dream. He gets up and yells a word and all the men in the camp keeping guard turn and echo their surprise. MONTY slowly rises. Many men pick up spears and begin to act aggressively. MONTY keeps his cool. One throws a spear. Another tries throwing a knife. One comes at him. One tries to jump him while distracted. Another tries to joust him and is pole-vaulted into a prickly bush. The chieftain tries to slap him, then grapple him, then throw a skull at him. Of course MASTER MONTY catches it...)
MONTY
Alas! Poor Yorick, I knew him well... (Chucks the skull aside.) Now listen boys, you got some V-I-P's running through here in about an hour and I don't want no funny business goin' on; you're gonna have to be on your best behavior and you're gonna do things my way or it's the highway. -- At least, until we sees ourselves all floatin' past an' all. You all understand what I'm sayin'?
(The cheiftain grunts and every tribesman, with a collective grunt, comes-at MONTY; enraged; all from different angles.)
CUT TO:
(POKE and CHONGI are lazily floating down the river.)
SOUND: GONG!
POKE
Chongi, you hear that?
CHONGI
(Closed Captioned:) What?
POKE
Movement, up ahead, where the river narrows...
(Hundreds of long spears evenly-spaced along both banks present arms and cross their spears above the river, creating a canopy of staffs. Each man holding a staff outward is next to a man holding a spear upward. The upward-spear holders bow deeply as the boat passes. At the end of the line, the chieftan and MONTY are speaking to one another through sign language.)
MONTY
(Play signs in "Mont-ese" along with his words:) No, smoke this. That's the schwag, that's to help flavor the livestock. You just take these two boars here and pen-them-up like I told you and do that with another twenty more boars and let 'em get natural for a while and you'll be off that human diet in no time. I mean, human flesh will lose its delicate flavor once you've tried barbecue pork. Nothing beats it, man, and you won't get laughing sickness from bacon -- a heart attack, maybe, but you won't get kuru...
POKE
Grass-Burner! Kuru is limited to the tribes of New Guinea.
MONTY
He don't know that. Indigenous is indigenous. Work with me here.
POKE
I doubt you'll make them go vegan anytime soon.
MONTY
Got him sold on pork patties and them arrow-flingers got lots of goats runnin' around and them shore folk got plenty of fish to pull out of the water so I told him since he's the strongest man on the island that he had best get them other tribes to thinkin' my way.
POKE
And if they don't?
MONTY
(Gets in the boat.) If'n they don't, I'm gonna hold him responsible. Yeah, you.
POKE
Peace pipe or not, I'm not so sure they won't go right back to their people-eating selves the second we're around the bend -- you know the saying, "Once you've gone sapien, you'll never eat ape again."
MONTY
I -- I don't know that saying. Trust me, they won't.
POKE
How are you so sure they won't?
MONTY
(Half-back to the chieftan and then directly to him:) Because if they don't they know I will know and I'll come back and kick all their asses again, ain't that right? ("Signing.") Yeah, you, ass-kickin' -- round two if you no-do-what-I-say, do it. ("Signing" and over-mouthing:) You do it.
POKE
There's many game hens on the island, did you tell them about chicken?
MONTY
You think I'd sell them on barbecue without mentioning chicken? Not to mention devilled eggs...
POKE
You may just have caused through intimidation what would have taken many years to occur naturally -- you just might have civilized them.
MONTY
Surely! With all my talk of laws and order to them, I may have just created a future Banana Republic.
(CHONGI looks flatly to the camera, grimaces and shakes her head.)
FTB