Scene 4.18 - Doorway To Madness
INT. Mansion Ballroom/Wine Cellar
(The clones and the performers from the show are in eight, separate huddles, drinking, smoking, etc. Each woman is the center of attention in her own huddle, and the clones are raving about the performance. There is a ninth group near the hall doorway, by the punch bowl -- CLARKE, ASIMOV, SIMAK, WELLS, HEINLEIN, SLAAG and AZALEA.)
ASIMOV
I imm ze hippiest min in ze verled.
HEINLEIN
Did you get all the autographs you wanted, Isaac?
ASIMOV
Boy, did I! (Lifts up shirt. There are eight autographs and lip-stick impressions of kisses on his hairless chest and stomach.) I vill never vash zis bodee again!
WELLS
Isaac-
HEINLEIN
Humor him. It's easier that way.
AZALEA
Something's wrong. I sense a tremor in the buzz.
CLARKE
A tremor?
AZALEA
There are other factions of my psyche at work in here. I feel a presence. Here.
SIMAK
Here? Who now?
AZALEA
It's Zero -- and a phantasm. They're below us; I sense there's something very wrong.
SIMAK
This punch tastes as flat as near-beer. Where's the kitchen staff? There's no ice!
HEINLEIN
By very wrong, do you mean like slightly very wrong, or cataclysmic very wrong?
AZALEA
It could spell the end of The Universe as we know it. At least it seems so. Let's find out.
ASIMOV
Vat about ze party? Theengs are jist stiting tee kick!
HEINLEIN
To kick or to cook?
ASIMOV
Yiss! Thit's whit Eye sid! Ziss partee is groovee, man!
CLARKE
We're not here to socialize. We're here to find Captain Verne and somehow go... back.
(They start walking down a hallway.)
AZALEA
He's here, I know. I sense it, somehow, I know he's close. This way, I think.
SLAAG
I'll tag along, if you don't mind. You folks are much-more fun to hang out with than-
WELLS
Know your way around the mansion, Mr. Slaag? Know where The Baron's bones are buried?
SLAAG
A little. The Baron's safe is located behind his forgery of Whistler’s Mother, upstairs in his private study. His porno collection is in the attic, under the ammo cases. And The Baron's super-top-secret project is locked away far below us, in the wine cellar.
AZALEA
Secret project? Below us? That's what we want. Lead on, Mr. Slaag.
CLARKE
What is this secret project, Mr. Slaag?
SLAAG
I'm not sure, The Baron assimilated anyone who helped build it and anyone who ever worked on it. He just got it back from the workshop, I've heard that much, I've been away for a while; It's- it's a quantum generator of some sort, but I've never seen it.
WELLS
Oh no! A quantum generator! For all we know, he could be making a type-four paradox to escape assimilation and abandon us, or he could be making another batch of clones!
ASIMOV
Oy vey! Zair's too minny Kiptin Vernz runneeng avound alveddy!
AZALEA
It might be worse than that. I'm getting very disturbing vibes from that direction.
SIMAK
Aye, here's a door that's been all bashed-in now. Think these stairs will take us to Captain Verne? Our Captain Verne?
CLARKE
Very likely. This is the captain's handiwork. I'd recognize his particular brand of careless destruction anywhere. Only our Verne would bash-in a door over a stairwell.
AZALEA
Lead-on, gentlemen.
ASIMOV
(Spooked out:) Liddeez first.
AZALEA
Oh, no! It's dark and creepy, and the awful tremors I'm feeling are coming from there!
CLARKE
Fear not, Ms. Azalea. I'll lead. I am not afraid of what I may see. You say that you sense something terrible is happening, any idea what it is?
AZALEA
No, but every cell of my body is telling me to run the other way. It's like my whole world is being shaken from its foundations. Maybe we should go back up to the party.
CLARKE
(Takes her arm, steadies her.) Don't be afraid, Ms. Azalea, nothing can happen to you, not while we're here, anyway.
AZALEA
Okay, but something bad is happening at this very moment, I can feel it in my bones!
WELLS
Could Captain Verne be using The Baron's machine? Could that be it?
AZALEA
No, I don't think that's what it is. Something tells me it's much, much worse.
CUT TO: VERNE and LEAH reaching second base... then leading-off to short-stop
(VERNE'S got his hands up her shirt! She's stroking his back as they are French kissing like there's nothing else to do in the world. She's straddles him as the two are on the floor, legs interlocking and un-interlocking and it looks like a replay of this might rate being shown in back-alley booths in the seedier parts of town, when-)
AZALEA
Verne! What are you doing!?!
VERNE
Boldly going... where no man... has gone... before!
(VERNE and LEAH continue their make-out session, she's trying to take off his shirt but doesn't want to stop kissing him, so she starts stroking his back and touching his face again. VERNE'S got down the stripper trick of undoing a bra-strap with a snap.)
CLARKE
Leah!
LEAH
Huh? Oh, hi Clarke. Oh, oh yeah, there!
CLARKE
I thought what we had was special.
LEAH
Whatever. (Moans as VERNE kisses her neck.) Weren't you the guy who said you're dropping me like it's hot or something?
VERNE
Oh! That's so lame...
LEAH
That's what I said!
(They laugh together, pause, and go back to kissing.)
WELLS
Would you two cool it with the baby making demonstration and pull yourselves together? Or should I say, pull yourselves apart? You're acting like two, randy rabbits in some wine-cellar warren of ill-repute! The sex show was at the Palladium, and it's over!
SIMAK
Aye, and what a sexy show it was, now! Them lassies were gorgeous! A nip 'o the old country, Mr. Slaag?
SLAAG
Don't mind if I do, Mr. Simak.
WELLS
Doctor, am I going to have to verbally illustrate the old slides we saw back in med-school? You know the ones, the Third-Millenium mutations of venereal diseases? What's it goin' to take? What's it goin' to take to get your head from trying to swim up her vaginal canal to finally using your ear canal to hear what I'm saying to you?
VERNE
Mmm-huh? Sorry, Doc, she's hot, it's all I can do to stop myself from ripping her clothes off.
LEAH
Tell me about it, all your dirty science talk has got my engine revving in overdrive! So, were those slides in color, Doctor? Do they really get all graphic and nasty?
WELLS
Does she really expect me to answer that one?
VERNE
You set up the joke, you might as well deliver the punchline.
CU: WELLS
WELLS
(Slow, pronounced and delivered perfectly:) Forget it, Julie. I'm a doctor, not a comedian.
(They manage to stand. LEAH pulls VERNE in and they go at it some more.)
AZALEA
I'm not even going to comment. I guess technically, he isn't cheating on me. But doin' it in this damp, musty dungeon is so gross; and what's this thing all about... (Finally, to the only person listening:) Doc?
WELLS
When you finally cool your jets, and your big head starts doing the thinking again, come over here and explain to us just what in tarnation this thing is supposed to be.
VERNE
It's a Q-F generator, Doc, like the early prototypes. Yeah, I like that, that's nice.
WELLS
Huh. And just who's this blurry beauty inside the fish-tank? Is that another Azalea?
LEAH
She's my subconscious, I think. She's the real reason for my insomnia. Right there!
SIMAK
Captain Verne! What's this? You gotta pi-transducer on the dimensional coupling now.
VERNE
Yeah, Smokey, I was hoping you might explain that. I've left it alone, it's an engineering modification. What do you think The Baron's got it on there to do?
SIMAK
Uh, I- uh dunno, but he was sure asking a lotta questions about my grandpappy's bomber, and this coupling is near-identical to the old ones found on the X-19 now.
VERNE
The jumper? What's he want to do, throw us off the time-track? Just how crazy is he?
SIMAK
I- uh dunno, sir, but with some time, I kinna take it apart and figger it out.
VERNE
Get the housing off, take a look inside, but don't touch anything. See if you can figure out what he's trying to get this thing to do without making it do it.
SIMAK
Aye. Care to help me, Mr. Slaag?
SLAAG
Sure! Keep those shots coming my way, and I'll be your second pair of hands.
HEINLEIN
She doesn't appear to be uncomfortable, Captain, yet she doesn't seem to be able to see or hear us.
CLARKE
She's caught between the many eons, stretched across the countless millenia, thrown into a state of chaos, fluxating between two equally implausible yet real dimensions.
ASIMOV
An ippisode of eon flux. A fit verse thin dith!
CLARKE
You said it. We must find a way to reintegrate her with her natural host.
WELLS
This corpse is still alive, Julie. This isn't your travesty, she's not the dead one.
AZALEA
(Obviously WELLS doesn't know, then gets it a beat later:) I would hope not, Doctor.
VERNE
That one's the key, if I can find a way to merge them. I've been looking at the red room and thought I'd give it a try. If I can get the four of them inside the Q-F, I-
AZALEA
I'm not going in there!
LEAH
That's what I told him. (Out of his clutches, backs away from him.) No way, Verne.
VERNE
Ladies, ladies, take a moment and ponder; did Columbus, at the first sign of stormy clouds, turn back to Spain? Did Lewis and Clarke, upon reaching their first foothill of the Appalachians, did they do an about face and run home crying? Did Neil Armstrong, when learning Eagle One's trajectory was off its set-
ASIMOV
Oh, bee quiet alveddy!
LEAH
Tell him, Zack.
AZALEA
You said it.
VERNE
At ease, crewman, and you two, why are you girls taking his side?
LEAH
He makes more sense than you do.
AZALEA
He talks less, too.
LEAH
And he's got sweeter breath-
AZALEA
He's a lot more polite-
LEAH
Younger-
VERNE
Okay, I get your point. Shallow observations; all of them; but noted, nonetheless.
ASIMOV
Pliss eem alot bitta lookeeng ad lucky-a wit ze lay-deez.
VERNE
Excuse me, am I hearing things or did I just hear an ensign request some extra duty?
ASIMOV
(Displays rank insignia:) I'm nit in insinn inny myrr, new I'm a lieutenant!
VERNE
What?!
CLARKE
You're an ensign. I've demoted you already.
ASIMOV
Ze Prizzidint out-ranks you all; she give me ze premonition an I'm steel a lieutenant!
VERNE
Over my dead body, when pigs get wings and when Helicarnassus freezes over! (A la Flo from Alice:) When donkeys, fly! What, was our Commander-In-Chief doing some of that Tellusian smack as well? (As seriously rhetorical as it gets:) In what stretch of the mind's imagination could anyone ever justify giving you any real rank, and, although highly unlikely, possible command of a space vessel? Has the bitch gone out of her canine mind?
WELLS
That's what I asked, Julie. The world's gone to Hades in a Honda if we let this one ride.
VERNE
Not on my watch, it won't. Ensign, and I do mean Ensign, you're ordered to extra duty, effective immediately. I want you to go upstairs and fight those clones. Right now.
ASIMOV
Fight, sear?
VERNE
I sense The Baron is on his way and I need some more time. If you go up and pick a fight with one of those Verne clones, it might cause the distraction I need to hedge my grey-room bet and create a room that will make these four hotties one person again without having to put anyone in a box.
ASIMOV
Bit how vill I stit a fit, sear?
VERNE
Make the rounds, use your charm on the ladies. I'm sure you'll get the ire of some jealous suitor and manage to tick one of them off enough to start throwing punches. Capiche'?
ASIMOV
Yes, sear, bit if I stit fighting von of zem, von't zee udders yump into helpeem?
VERNE
I'm counting on it, Isaac, hold out as long as you can, I need every second you got.
ASIMOV
Kint I tick Vobbert vith me? Tea vatch me backside?
VERNE
I'll need the rest of the crew to help me here. Carry out your orders; make me proud.
ASIMOV
Bit sear-
VERNE
(Lights a smoke, gestures with his trusty, re-aquired Zippo lighter, clacks it shut and pockets it.) Don't think I haven't noticed that bump on your forehead, Ensign. I made you a promise a while back, and I'm prepared right now to follow through on that promise; but I might let it slide this time if you go up there, follow my orders, and kick some Verne tail!
ASIMOV
Aye, aye sear.
(ASIMOV exits, dreading the upcoming violence. VERNE takes a few deep drags.)
CLARKE
Sir, not to usurp your authority, but it seemed like you went a little easy on him.
VERNE
Yeah, maybe so; help me get this coffin on this conductor plate over here. I can't help it, Clarke; I really wanna jack him up-
CLARKE
Huh?
VERNE
Jack him up -- but I can't ever seem to be able to hold a grudge against Asimov. His clumsiness alone has saved our crew many times from precarious situations that I thought spelled certain death for us. No, I can't seem to stay mad at the little bugger very long. I guess deep inside, I really like him.
CUT TO: ASIMOV'S big fight.
ASIMOV
Veed me leeps, I deedn't stutta. Thit's iggzicktlee vat Eye sid, a gibbige school!
(ASIMOV slaps the behind of a female VERNE clone and gooses another, gives a wedgie to one and corn-holes another with his knee. They all go after him. At first, it seems evenly matched, ASIMOV takes a few, dishes a few out, takes a few down, gets thrown across the room, etc. The concubines huddle together, afraid to be caught in the crossfire. THE BARON and RONNIE enter; arm-in-arm, laughing. The fighting stops and everyone freezes as the clones notice THE BARON. ASIMOV swings from the lighting, trapped, above. BERNADETTE, a transvestite, riding atop another clone's shoulders, drops his hairy fist that was about to pound ASIMOV, and lets go of ASIMOV. ASIMOV continues swinging his fists, stuck in the swinging lighting, unable to free himself or hit anyone. We hear this futile gesture for a while, and then again later just when you thought it was over.)
THE BARON
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I said this party was to be low-key, didn't I?
BERNADETTE
(With moustache, masculine voice, curly wig and garish make up:) Sorry, sir!
THE BARON
Y'all get in line; form up, parade rest. Not you concubines; are all y'all all right?
CONCUBINES
(Ad libs:) Yeah, we're okay, just a little shook up, gotta run in my stocking...
ASIMOV
Me hed is pinding ind Eem stick ip ear!
THE BARON
(Picks a fleck of bud from his pencil-thin moustache. He examines it; sees it's not a booger and it is, in fact, a remnant of a truffle; eats it.) Now what in the name of Luby's lacy lingerie is going on in here? Why are all y'all beating up on poor Asimov? What's he ever done to you?
BEAVER
He corn-holed me!
WALLY
He gave me a wedgie!
WARD
He was insulting the ladies and was being disrespectful!
JUNE
He goosed me!
THE BARON
And that gives cause to pummel him? He's been drinking, so he insulted a few girls-
BUCKY
No, sir, he insulted our ladies!
THE BARON
Them? They're not even real ladies! I'm sorry you were insulted, but you know what I mean, right? Sticks and stones, people. Get over it already; a few misplaced, unkind words doesn't give anyone any reason to pick a fight with our fleet's best ensign.
ASIMOV
Lieutenant.
THE BARON
Lieutenant. (Not a complete surprise; for he has read The Peter Principle. Yet, like serial killings, people going postal, carjackings; the victimized persons involved always believe, "It can't be happening to me." Double-take:) You've been promoted? Now what desperate, unholy aspect of my disturbed mind thought that promoting you to the command group would somehow be a solution to this insane pickle?
ASIMOV
I git ze premonition deericktlee frimm ze Prizzidint!
THE BARON
(Rolls eyes up, sighs.) Whew. (Chuckles.) You don't know how good it feels to know it was a dog that put that into play. Talk about relief, I thought a part of me had become... Oh well, I won't be responsible for the fallout. I stand corrected, Lieutenant. As you were.
ASIMOV
Sear, Eem stick ip ear!
THE BARON
Lemme see if I got this right. A drunken Asimov insulted the ladies and to defend their honor, you men felt you had no choice but to teach him some manners and hit him.
SPANKY
No sir! You gave us strict orders to tolerate the crew's antics, no matter how crazy!
THE BARON
So who threw the first punch? It was you, wasn't it? I can see it in your eyes!
ALFALFA
(Gulp!) Not me, sir!
THE BARON
All right then, who? Who?
PRIVATE JOKER
It was me, sir! I threw the first punch, sir!
THE BARON
Well what do we got here, Mike Tyson The One Seventeenth? You gotta pick a fight with every ninety-eight-pound crewman that drops the C-word around a cupple-a auto-erotic transvestite hookers now?
PRIVATE JOKER
No sir, that's not when I threw the punch, I've been in port a while, I can handle a few insults to the ladies! Er, the men! Er, those men. I can handle that, sir.
THE BARON
Apparently not; what did he say to provoke you? What, did he call you some bad names?
PRIVATE JOKER
No sir, but he was poking fun at your expense.
THE BARON
(Easy going, relaxed, non-chalant:) I can take it, what's a few insults, it isn't worth it. (Forced:) Hahaha! (Sudden, inquisitive to the fact:) What'd he call me?
PRIVATE JOKER
(Like John Wayne:) Well, pilgrim, he called you a tin-plated dictator with delusions of grandeur.
(Everyone, save ASIMOV and THE BARON emits a short chuckle; some longer than others.)
THE BARON
Oh, I see, of course. (Smiles, reassured:) Naturally, that's when you hit him.
PRIVATE JOKER
Oh no, sir, I remember your strict orders. You said we were to go with the flow.
THE BARON
Just tell me already! Just what did he say to start all this ruckus?
JOKER
Sir! He called the Eliza a garbage scowl!
THE BARON
You didn't fight him because he called me a tin-plated dictator, you hit him bacause he said our ship was garbage.
JOKER
A garbage scowl! That and a few other choice words!
THE BARON
You realize, of course, the fifteen tons of molten, twisted metal scattered across our tarmac is this time-period's only remaining relic of our former ship, The Eliza.
PRIVATE JOKER
Errr, yeah. Err, sir, yes, sir!
THE BARON
Well, calling it garbage would be a matter of observation, then, wouldn't it?
PRIVATE JOKER
I guess so.
THE BARON
And certainly no reason to chide or assault a newly-promoted lieutenant.
PRIVATE JOKER
I guess not, sir, but he started it, and he had it coming to him, and I'd do it again!
THE BARON
I see. Help Isaac down from there. Good. Now Isaac, here's an important lesson for you to observe if you're ever going to be in command one day. There is no substitute for discipline, and you can't be lenient with people who continually try to break the rules. Let it slide once -- they think it's okay. The rule is law. Creon was right: So this is their fate: Abracadabra!
(All Verne clones suddenly vanish in several blue smoke puffs. THE BARON feels stronger.)
ASIMOV
Vat deed you do te zem?
THE BARON
I assimilated them. The whole lot. They won't be giving you any more trouble now. Can't have a battalion of fibbers for a crew. They were lying to me, they had to be. You've never picked a fight in your life. Sorry if they roughed you up, Isaac.
(VERNE teases his hand quickly over ASIMOV'S head, lovingly, playfully, like a father to his son, messing up ASIMOV'S hair. ASMIOV immediately breaks out his lucky comb.)
ASIMOV
Izz okay sear. It vasn't me first ind von't bee me list timm Eye gits-a beeteeng.
THE BARON
Now that they're gone, what's your side of it? How do you say the fight started?
ASIMOV
I dinno, eats jist vat ze kiptin tilled me to do. Kizzi distriction vile he verks on ze gree-womb equishun and byzim sum timm so he kin issimilit you ind zen mebbe he vohn't geemme inny myrr ixtra ditty; sew nitchrilly Eye sid ivry bid weird I knew ind it verked! Zay say zat I vas calling you ze dick-titter, bit I vas tilking avout ze kiptin! Me Kiptin! Vy, his as teen-plitted as ze kimm, and hees deliz-shuns ear innly gitting verse ind verse.
THE BARON
Hmmmm. The captain? I thought I had sensed- Your Captain Verne? He's still alive?
ASIMOV
Yiss, ze udder kiptin, ze krizzy von, ze von who vill not icknahllidge me premonition.
THE BARON
It's... comforting to know he yet lives. Where is this rogue Captain Verne now, Lieutenant?
ASIMOV
Heez Kiptin Zee-roo indies in ze vine cellar trying to deestroy ze quantum ginearator vith his beer hinnds.
THE BARON
Destroy it? Heavens, no! That's our ticket out of here, and back to Zeta -- come on! You too, ladies!
(THE BARON snaps his fingers, whistles and points to the hallway. THE BARON quickly exits, the concubines and ASIMOV follow.)
CUT TO: