Scene 4.12 - The Thousand Natural Shocks
INT. Lobby of the Palladium Theatre
(THE BARON is being served a vintage wine, the bottle reads Glacier Gold, bottled 170,369 B.C.E. Everyone is in their little cliques, and RONNIE and AZALEA have gate-crashed, but have only managed to get five feet from the doorway before being swarmed with testosterone-charged admirers, offering cigarettes and flattering the women and telling stories of what they drive or who they know, how much they make or what they smoke. The girls play along and stick together. The VERNE clones obstruct THE BARON'S view of AZALEA.)
HOUSE MANAGER
Here she is, sir, the finest of all our fermentations, Glacier Gold Elderberry Wine.
THE BARON
Great, great. Luby, who's that blonde cupcake that's standing by the door there?
HOUSE MANAGER
Why, I don't know, sir, she just stepped in a moment ago. I could find out, tho.
THE BARON
She's beautiful. Hurry, pour me a glass, I want to go talk to her.
HOUSE MANAGER
But the wine has to breathe, sir.
THE BARON
(Smells the cork, drops it on tray.) It's fine, now hurry, chop-chop! I wanna meet her. There's more to her than meets the eye. She's perfect. An angel sent from-
(THE BARON takes a sip, mesmerized.)
THE BARON (Cont'd)
Excellent, Lubriesco. You can taste the crisp boldness of the mix. Remind me to go back and add those wormwood shavings to the other vats that we got steeping back there.
HOUSE MANAGER
Of course, sir!
POV: THE BARON
(A break in the huddle around the ladies occurs as one man leans over to get a drink from a passing waiter, he steps away from his spot and a drinking, smiling and laughing AZALEA is revealed, at the center of the huddle. She must have heard one of the Verne clones' more lame jokes, because RONNIE is laughing a little too. THE BARON loses all expression and the blood drains from his face and life in him sinks to the bottom of his feet as a chill dashes up his spine. He drops his glass and it shatters across the floor in many small, crystal fragments. Everyone stops what they were doing and look to THE BARON. Then, a maddening pause.)
HOUSE MANAGER (Cont'd)
I'm so terribly sorry, sir, how clumsy of me! I'll have this cleaned up right away and I'll pour you another. Smiley! Go get the mop bucket and clean up this mess!
SMILEY
Yes, sir!
(THE BARON slowly walks over to AZALEA, unsure if his legs will obey and hold him up. The disguised and altered clones part like the Red Sea.)
THE BARON
Forgive me, I was surprised to see you, I didn't see you earlier; allow me to introduce myself: I'm Baron Julian Sickle, and this is my theatre. Welcome.
AZALEA
(Doesn't offer hand to be kissed, just quickly shakes his.) Hi. I'm Zale. You didn't see us earlier cuz we weren't here. We kinda showed up late, so we were trying to just mingle-in and were hoping nobody would notice we just came in but it looks like that isn't going to happen. Well, so much for that, now. Thanks, all the same.
THE BARON
You're dashingly beautiful, Zale. I couldn't help but notice.
AZALEA
I'll say. Looks like you're still noticing now. I'm up here, Baron.
(Yeah, he was talking to her breasts, all pushed-up and squeezed together and all.)
THE BARON
Are- Are you part of the theatre troupe?
AZALEA
No, you’re the Q-P expert, you tell me -- why are you asking me questions like that? You know our ship’s in a paradox-
THE BARON
You’re part of... Verne’s crew?
AZALEA
Uh, yeah. I kinda was until my head got sliced in half, anything else you wanna know, Play-boy?
(He considers her beautiful scar for the first time.)
THE BARON
Err, uh. Who's your beautiful friend?
AZALEA
(Grabbing her hand, pulling her closer:) This is my life-partner, Ronica.
THE BARON
(Kisses her hand, she's all about it. Like any man, he’ll favorably respond to whoever responds to him.) A charming pleasure to be captivated by you, Ronica.
RONNIE
(Holds his hand as she pulls hers in toward her pushed-up and squeezed-together breasts, she doesn't mind if he keeps kissing her hand or is noticing her the way he noticed AZALEA a moment before.) Oh! Oh Baron, I'm so honored, you're so, so regal!
(AZALEA is not amused by RONNIE'S obvious infatuation with THE BARON. He straightens up and continues holding RONNIE'S hand, a scant inch away from her heaving breasts.)
THE BARON
If you don't think me too forward, I would like to personally invite you to accompany me to my mansion after the show, where I'm throwing a party for the cast and crew.
AZALEA
(Doesn’t like this nosy Baron guy. Nothing like Zero at all.) We're busy-
RONNIE
We'd love to!
THE BARON
Great! Luby! More wine! If you're not meeting someone here already, I was wondering if you two would care to watch the show with me, from the private, upstairs booth?
AZALEA
No thanks, we-
RONNIE
(A mini-curtsey:) We would be honored to sit with you, your highness.
THE BARON
(Still holding her hand, a blue twinkle in his smiling eye:) Just call me- Julian.
RONNIE
I'm Ronnie, and we're all yours, Julian.
AZALEA
(Takes RONNIE'S hand from THE BARON'S, pushes herself between them, leading her away.) Maybe after the bathroom break. We've had a long hike up that hill.
RONNIE
(Moving a little.) Yeah, she's right, these stiletto heels are killing me.
AZALEA
(Letting go of RONNIE'S hand, now that RONNIE'S turned away from THE BARON.) I told you to wear the pumps. But do you ever listen to me?
RONNIE
Yeah, but girls who wear pumps look fat- (AZALEA stops momentarily.) I mean, they make me look fat.
AZALEA
Which way to the ladies' room?
THE BARON
That way-
RONNIE
(Waving as she's led away.) See you in a few, your highness.
THE BARON
Adios, adieu, auf-weiderzein, good-bye. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
(SIMAK shows up out of nowhere.)
SIMAK
I kint find ne'er hide nor hair of the crew, I could-a check backstage if you give me authorization to do so, sir.
THE BARON
Nah, Lubriesco's going back there, he'll check. Hey Smokey, find me a secret-spot to blaze-up. I got a couple-a joints from my good stash and I really don't have enough to share with the whole lot. Still, I want to catch every second of the finale totally blazed.
SIMAK
Aye, sir. You're a speaking for-a the both of us there.
THE BARON
(Discreetly opens coat, SIMAK'S eyes widen.) Give one of these a trial-run, okay? Think with one you can lure the crew out of their hidey-holes and pass on my invite?
SIMAK
Aye, sir! Did you twist those yourself? With one of those, I could find Jimmy Hoffa!
THE BARON
Of course, he's not here, but the crew is... somewhere. (Quickly remembers:) Apparently, the whole crew. Why didn't you tell me that you know... Azalea?
SIMAK
You didn't ask, sir!
THE BARON
(Even THE BARON gets a Nemo!) Fair enough. Keep looking for the crew. Take your pick, I haven't got all day, and I wanna put my moves on that Ronnie chick. (Dons his monocle:) She's way hot.
(SIMAK furtively picks a joint and stashes it, only the motion is seen by the camera.)
SIMAK
Ronnie?
THE BARON
You don't know her either? Drats, I was hoping you could tell me about her.
SIMAK
I dunno no Ronnie, sir, and certainly no Ronnie that's a lassie, now!
THE BARON
Then where'd she pick her up? Babes like that don't just get brought with the stork or come from the cabbage patch -- she ain't local. If I'm gonna know, I'll have to get Azalea to warm up to me.
SIMAK
Aye, that might-a take some doin', depending on which one you're talking about now.
THE BARON
(From the corner of his monocle:) I thought we agreed that we wouldn't bring that up.
SIMAK
Oh, I'm not talking about that sir, I'm-a talking about the udder ghost that had Verne Zero all twisted to and fro! There's-a more Vernes and Azaleas than-a I kinna count!
THE BARON
Really? A ghost, eh? Yes, that’s it! Find the crew, then see me. Find 'em. Get on all-fours if you have to.
SIMAK
Aye, sir, I'll find them now.
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