Scene 5.06 - Get Thee To A Nunnery
INT. 13th Floor Penthouse, Leah's Luxury Suites, A Second Later
(LEAH ZALE and two re-hab flunkies enter with shopping bags in hand. They're all laughing at something said outside.)
AZALEA
Well, hello boys, make yourselves at home, no, don't get up. But wouldja all mind ever-so-much to please refrain from resting your muddy feet on my two-hundred-thousand-dollar coffee table? (Sing-song sweet:) Thank you!
(Enter LEAH A. ZALE, rich CEO, Zale's Future Technologies, Inc. Her hair is in a wide, braided ponytail, stripe seen, wearing a conservative business suit, a big hat and sunglasses.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Sorry Leah, they said they were friends of yours.
CAMEO FIVE
Some friends. You can give-a-lady-a-hand, you know.
(The men rush to help the ladies with their bags. LEAH drops hers as she realizes who the men truly are.)
AZALEA
Well, those are pretty wild costumes, but- Omigod! Zero!
VERNE
Hello, Azalea.
(She throws her arms out, hops up and straddles him, kissing him; nearly knocking him over.)
AZALEA
I thought you were sent to Obliv-
VERNE
I know, but not even Oblivion can keep me from you, from us.
AZALEA
But a non-dimension! No one's ever escaped! It's impossible!
VERNE
Nothing's impossible for me with your love in my heart.
AZALEA
Am I, am I dreaming?
VERNE
I'm as real as ever.
(He kisses her.)
MUSIC UP
CAMEO FIVE
Umm-hmm!
CAMEO SIX
You go girl!
AZALEA
Oh, those are my friends, Cameo 5 and Cameo 6. Oh! This is wonderful; and just in time!
VERNE
In time?
AZALEA
A party! The unveiling of my latest gift to be bestowed upon this ancient world!
VERNE
Uh, yeah, about that, there's a protocol in place, and it even covers time travel even though the people who wrote it never really considered it to even be possible. Still, they prohibit-
AZALEA
Oh, I know, you think they're not deserving of it, but you're wrong! I've met so many wonderful people in this time and I've touched all their lives in the most wondrous ways! They're so beautiful!
VERNE
It's not whether they're deserving of it, it's that there's an order-to-things, steps humanity must take, lessons that must be learned before handed over powers that seem magical to the-
AZALEA
Oh, I've got that figured-out, too. The quantum-room they get access to is really just a mock-up of that shoddy yellow room like that fortune teller had, ya know? The one that you always said was a lemon?
VERNE
Yeah, it's like a cereal-box toy to a real quantum generator, and maybe it can predict cancerous cells or give you odds on the possibility of a hurricane, but did it ever occur to you, Darling, that the first equation even leading from quantum-observation to actual quantum-application isn't even supposed to happen for another thousand years? That's only a lifetime to us, but to these people, it's the span of an empire! We could have a serious problem here!
AZALEA
Oh, pee-shaw! You and your big, spooky talk. Listen, I got lots of their funny money, I'm really happy, I’ve made some great friends and I can do lots of things these barbarians never thought a person can do and yeah, I might outlive them all, but what's so wrong with creating a little yellow room painted red if I got the patent first and it might help me and my girlfriends live a few more hundred years, huh? I'm helping them!
VERNE
Well, I see how you ethically feel assured in the present, but the ramifications on the future; the natural laws that dictate the results just aren't as forgiv-
(She plants a few more kisses on him.)
AZALEA
I'm so glad you're here, Zero. I'm finally got it all together and I have such wonderful news!
VERNE
News?
LEAH
Tonight, at the party, you'll see.
VERNE
Listen, if it's about making a full, quantum generator-
(More kisses, people start yawning. She kinda bounces on him a little like he's a ride.)
AZALEA
Now what's this hooey about paradoxes and protocols? Don'tcha wanna have some fun?
VERNE
Well, I suppose only creating a small quantum field just a few thousand years ahead of schedule can't really be all that bad. It's not like they can really fold-space or anything... yet.
AZALEA
Yeah, Baby. It don’t matter. It was all different already before I arrived.
VERNE
Really? When did you arrive?
AZALEA
A while back; in 1996. We could run this world together, you and me.
VERNE
What about The Baron?
AZALEA
Dunno. I woke-up alone under a bridge in Beverly Hills. I just happened to stumble upon the right people of this era. Lucky, I guess. They’re all pretty smart considering they’re practically Anthropolithicus Autonomatomicus! They could be the missing link we”ve all been looking for, for all we know so far! So far I’ve been real lucky. I don’t know what happened to the others -- I don’t even know how to look for them -- there’s so many different people here. All I know is The Baron must have come and gone because he was here first and I know he changed history already. I think he did it around 1984. He had to be here first.
VERNE
Yeah, I know, FI-FO. He got rid of the dog paradox back in Poland, that’s for sure. Maybe dogs will continue being our pets, we're here and it seems okay so far. Who knows? Maybe Albert Gore will actually get re-elected this time instead of letting-
AZALEA
About that-
VERNE
What, Gore didn't get re-elected again? Don't tell me they elected that second runner-up guy... Ralph Nader?
HEINLEIN
Wasn't the fastest solar car called a Nader?
CLARKE
Yes, after gasoline went to fifty-dollars a gallon; but they eventually discontinued manufacturing it -- it was found to be Unsafe At Any Speed.
SIMAK
Aye, so Nader won now?
AZALEA
Nah, he didn’t even come close; It was President Bush all the way.
VERNE
Ronald Reagan’s Vice-President George Bush?
AZALEA
No, silly. Well, yeah, him too. Bush Senior was President once, but I’m talking about his son. His son got elected; well, sort-of, oh not really, but... Reagan got eight years with a secret trade with terrorists who were holding Americans hostage. Then Bush Senior rode on Reagan’s coat-tails for four more, then a philanderer from Arkansas who swore he never inhaled was allowed to try eight before impeachment proceedings, where he also swore, despite D-N-A to-the-contrary, that he did not have sex with “that woman,” which confused everyone who cared enough by that point to not really care for Al Gore, who was his Vice-President, and only ran for President, but didn’t get elected. So he grew a beard and talked about inconvenient things like global-warming until nobody listened anymore. That’s when Bush’s son bought eight from somebody who knows how to tell a lie big enough for everyone to swallow. Two wars, a $3.00-gas-hike and a couple of Patriot-Acts later, well, here we are, finally with a brother to run things for a change; a change we can believe in.
VERNE
His son got elected? Neil Bush became President of the United States?
AZALEA
No, no, the other one.
VERNE
Jeb Bush? How could we have sunk so low?
CAMEO FIVE
Keep sinking, future boy.
VERNE
Hey, how do they know about me?
CAMEO SIX
She talks in her sleep. Relax, Zero, we won't tell you what we know.
VERNE
You saying the free world actually-elected George Walker Bush to our most sacred office?
WELLS
You've got your History down, Julie, she lost me past Ronald Reagan.
VERNE
(He unconsciously rim-shots LEAH'S back, she hugs him:) George Walker Bush. Elected President. Huh.
AZALEA
Not anymore, and the jury's-still-out about the vailidity of both of his elections, but suffice-to-say his reign led to phone-tapping, hunting-accidents where it was the victim's fault, lynch-mobs for dictators, torture encampments, outrageous gas prices, higher taxes and going to war with about everybody who can the make big corporations a few extra billion before the big bail-out, even if it has nothing to do with terrorism, freedom or democracy or American jobs. Here’s another one for you --G-W wasn’t at fault for any of it. Everyone's to blame. I can't even begin to talk about the global genocide that gets intentionally overlooked or how no one cares what terrible things men do to women as long as cops are still seizing private property for the public trust and giving-out speeding tickets to give a shot-in-the-arm to the politician’s perks-and-recreation budget. The government apparently doesn’t care about real criminals in this time. I swear there was less rape and murder in the Dark Ages. If any time-period needs an infusion of hope, Baby, it's this one.
VERNE
That's all well and good, darling, but you are aware that they're supposed to be taught to be ignorant and made to be at their wit's-end for a reason? You do realize that the Apocalypse occurs around this decade, don't you?
AZALEA
You mean was supposed to occur. I aced History. I told you, I was a good student. The rogue asteroid from Zeta was supposed to have been spotted by The Hubble Space Telescope last year, but because Al Gore never became President, the Performance Tax was never enacted in 2001, no tax-money was collected from all the musicians who used the F word, so there was no money to pay for Al Gore's Rain-forest-wax ear-plug program, no rock-concert bans, no subsequent Music Tax, no Freedom Fees, ergo, no lobbyists, no Congressional kick-backs in that direction, either. At the bottom of the food chain, N.A.S.A., completely drained dry in the face of war and fear, heh, they let Hubble’s military research in that direction fall out of the sky, literally. So much for the stars, huh?
HEINLEIN
Ad astra, per aspera.
VERNE
Then the future has been changed permanently: They never discover the Zetan asteroid. Huh, there's hope.
AZALEA
I told you, I got this all worked out. I'm the only one with a real yellow room baby. (Kisses him.) I can glimpse the future and it says we're going the right way. Now do you trust me?
VERNE
A new future. One we create, one for us.
AZALEA
Yes.
(VERNE suddenly realizes everyone has been patiently listening.)
VERNE
Would you all mind if Azalea and I went to one of the bedrooms for a little while to be alone?
AZALEA
Oh, no! (Hops-off:) I gotta get ready for the party and you all need to get out of my hair!
VERNE
What should we do?
AZALEA
I don't care, just go somewhere else!
(The men all look to ACTOR ALPHA.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Don't look at me, I have laundry to do. I've got to get ready for the party too!
HEINLEIN
What about the cool school?
ACTOR ALPHA
No, no, my work with you is complete. (Bows and gestures, backing away:) The master now becomes the apprentice; show me your best tonight, guys, don't disappoint me.
(He exits while he can.)
CAMEO FIVE
Hey Elle, maybe they can give out the keys and round-up all the people.
CAMEO SIX
Yes... We can stay with you and they can go deliver them!
AZALEA
Yes. (Touches blue amulet around neck; it glows.) Yes.
CLARKE
Keys?
AZALEA
Yeah babe, keys to my heart. Or hearts. There's five of them. Who wants to go on an errand?
WELLS
I'll go. I need to stretch my legs.
AZALEA
Find the silver locket that matches this key, put them together, then return it to me.
WELLS
Hey, that rhymes!
SIMAK
Aye, I'll-a go now. Just-a like a one o' them gypsy fortune tellin' ladies now!
AZALEA
With this key you'll find a kind heart, you'll drive here together after hours apart.
CLARKE
Okay, I'm game, Leah. Sock it to me.
AZALEA
If the heart is true blue, the locket is near, show off this key when it's prison you fear.
HEINLEIN
My turn.
AZALEA
With a long-lost friend you're soon reunited, a brother from the mirror is gonna get invited.
HEINLEIN
That doesn't make sense.
AZALEA
I never said it had to make sense. All right, Verne, now you.
(She bothers to hold the glowing amulet with both hands this time.)
VERNE
Do I even wanna know?
AZALEA
(Laughing:) Show the mop man this key, but don't give it away, the locket he'll show when he thinks you're not gay.
VERNE
(Beat.) Why do I get the weird one? Doc, trade me keys...
AZALEA
One key fits all. It's your fate, Verne. Accept it.
VERNE
What if I don't want that fate?
AZALEA
Either way, I'm kicking you out. (Sniffs air.) Is that Simoleon Spice? Is it on your clothes or something? No, that's Blue-Tooth in the air. You guys been blazing-up in my crib? Jeez Louise! (Whiney, knowing she's got a contact high by-now, oh well:) Guys! I just got outta re-hab!
WELLS
What's re-hab? (The cameos laugh.) What’d I say?
AZALEA
(Smug. It’s just occurred to her that she’s been here thirteen years longer than these out-of-place newbies, making her smarter:) Let's just say I wouldn't go flaunting around your stash in this time period, fellas. Let's just say they're not exactly as convinced as we are about the medical benefits associated with Cannibis Delectus Delicioso.
CLARKE
What do you mean? Are we to understand marijuana is illegal in this time period?
AZALEA
Worse. Criminalized. Controlled. Dude, these people are so soul-strung that they've banned smoking cigarettes. Tobacco cigarettes.
WELLS
No wonder the world's crazy! You can't be taking smokes away! You're kidding, right?
AZALEA
I wish I was. They're more tolerant of serial-killers in this era than smokers. Lay low.
SIMAK
Aye, but what about us tokers now?
AZALEA
Evenmoreso, they'll try to brain-wash you and they’ll take away your freedom if they think you’re not that gullable.
CLARKE
I take it that the Teen Amendment for Emancipation that recinded agism was never enacted. It's no wonder. No new ideas.
AZALEA
(With glowing amulet in hand, the Oracle Of Del-Rey reveals all:) Even with how this country maliciously treats its elderly completely-aside, this should still be known as The United States Of Agism. They’ll talk about being gay-friendly, ethnic-friendly and politically-correct but it doesn’t wash in the face of their agism. They pretend to love all minorities except one: Young People. Teenagers can't even drink a beer until they've fought in a war for at least three years or if they've lost more than fifty-percent of their limbs from direct enemy fire. That is, if you’re stationed in a country with running water that doesn't think alcohol will bring Satan into the room. To this world, apparently tobacco products and alcoholic beverages are unsafe options for kids, yet bullets and I-E-Ds are just dandy as long as the teen-agers are the only ones gettin’ them. You give teens the vote, and what happens? We learn all the elections are rigged just like we thought they were and the people’s vote never matters. Life sure is short-and-unkind for the youngsters of this era. You go from a child-seat to a tank to a hospital-bed to a coffin. Where’s the revolution in that? Let's see, what else? The states amended the Constitution to prevent Congress from giving themselves pay-raises, but Congress figured a way-around that, too. They just don't bounce personal checks anymore, they leave all their deficit-spending to the federal budget, a federal deficit that we still don’t have paid off in 3545, even after China pays off all of our principal. I see the U-S getting auctioned off as an historical novelty experiment. The U-S Constitution gets bought by Paraguay. Trippin’ huh?
VERNE
I think I’m getting one of Asimov’s headaches. So how is giving this world a yellow room in every hospital or cop-shop ever gonna solve all this? Baby, this world is screwed; the first time you get a second-opinion, both opinions are worthless.
AZALEA
(Fondles amulet:) Don't you get-it, sweetie? I've got the only opinion. Here. Like when I worked the halls in Vegas, they can peek, but never really touch. The doctors don't buy my yellow room, they only rent its predictions. They think I am a goddess and they all pay me like one. I have a patent on the secret of my amulet. A jewelry patent. My money makes the banks work the way they ought to. Baby, I fixed it.
VERNE
Ingenious; a jewelry patent. Should-a done that. You're the wisest woman I've ever met.
AZALEA
(Pecks him:) I'm glad you think so, honey, now get going. Oh, and take the back stairs.
HEINLEIN
Back stairs, gotcha.
CAMEO FIVE
Yeah, the papa-rot-see's out front.
WELLS
What's this pop-rot-see, my dear?
CAMEO SIX
If you don't know, you don't need to worry about it.
AZALEA
Back staircase. See ya fellas. The party starts at eight.
VERNE
Azalea, you sure you don't wanna, just for a few minutes, go into one of the bedrooms and-
AZALEA
Oh! You're so silly! Come, girls, we've got to get ready for the party! You've all got to get out for a few hours so get going!
VERNE
I come back all the way from Oblivion and you're kicking me out?
AZALEA
Oh don't think I'm not relieved to see you got out of that unholy pit alive but I've got to make sure everything's set for tonight so you won't be disappointed, you must come, it's really for you anyway. I'm really doing this all for you, Zero. It was your memory that kept me going. Know that it's all for you. You are more than my inspiration, you're why I am strong.
HEINLEIN
Can't we just sit in here and watch a game or something?
AZALEA
(Pushing them out.) No! No! I don't want anyone but my girlfriends in here while I'm running around naked! Re-hab showers totally suck. Oh, and now don't start picking up all your trash and start dismantling that cute little beer pyramid you got there... I know you all are just stalling, so forget it. It's a big world out there and all of you gotta go out and face it. Go find those lockets to those keys, gentlemen. Don't fail me: See you at the party.
(The men reluctantly exit.)
CAMEO FIVE
That black fella was kinda cute, Elle.
AZALEA
Yeah, and they're all single; I should know. Some part of me has gotten busy with at least half of them.
CAMEO SIX
That old lookin' guy was kinda-quiet, but he was also kinda-hot, ya know?
AZALEA
Yeah, he's still many centuries younger than Verne, but don't tell Verne I told you that. Verne's the oldest one of the lot. He was born. (They don’t get it.) ...Before all of us. Not you girls. Anyway, ya gotta watch it. Zero's kinda touchy about his age.
CAMEO FIVE
Yeah, I could see that, seems like he's got a temper on him.
CAMEO SIX
Oooh! The rough type.
AZALEA
Verne? Naw, he's milque-toast. My Zero? (Looks at poster and visual aid, throws them away.) Why, he's as gentle as... a pussycat.
CAMEO FIVE
What will they find out there, Elle?
AZALEA
(A la The Planet Of the Apes:) Their destiny.
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