Scene 6.04 - A Cool Palace
EXT. Shi-It-Kan Palace, Weird Ship Landing All Weird-Like
(On the dark landing field, chemicals spill out of the ship in troughs and tank-suited Guildsmen begin to swarm out of a hatch opening, appearing very stoned.)
WIPE TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
EST: Shi-It-Kan capital city; palace
LS: INT. Palace master hall and throne room
(Medieval dress with the breasts-all-squashed-look abounds as courtesians and royal entourage-type cameos scurry to and fro. SH-BOOM enters. Next to SH-BOOM is THE REVEREND MOTHER HELL-ON-GAIA MOHAWK. They cross to INDICA, who stands-out, wearing a golden dress that only seems to match the room’s wall ornamentation and little else. Suddenly, a GUARD enters from a small door and quickly crosses to ANOTHER GUARD. A warning sound begins. The Emperor turns nervously. Guards quickly begin to clear the large room. Several women are rushed toward us to a door beyond. One woman, INDICA, stops and turns back for a worried, caring look to her father, the Emperor.)
SH-BOOM
(Adjusting his royal hair-comb within his beautiful afro, pulling at his tight corn-rows and adjusting his many long dread-locks adorned with platinum wire:) Indica, you've only got one more line, so you may as well say it and depart to the green room until your walk-on cameo at the end.
INDICA
Yes, father.
(INDICA exits. She sees that SATIVA WARRIORS are surrounding him now, speaking to him. INDICA turns and leaves. The Emperor moves away from his officers to the center of the now-empty room. He drops his golden robe from his shoulders. He stands in his elegant black uniform, thinking. The Reverend Mother is ushered in and the Sativa Warriors leave her alone with the Emperor and his dropped robe on the floor.)
SH-BOOM
(Quickly:) A Boston Third Stage Guild Navigator will be here within minutes!
CUTAWAY: Surface of the tarmac as spaceship is about to land, trash blowing away and such.
SH-BOOM (Cont'd)
The guild is sending one of their navigators; I'm not sure why.
REV. MOTHER
We've detected his presence. (Pause, a thud from outside as the spaceship lands. REV. MOTHER closes eyes, states the obvious:) He's coming, my Lord; he's hammered...
SH-BOOM
I may need your Been Lez-a-bit skills. I want you to use your telepathy while he's here, and I want a full report when he's gone.
REV. MOTHER
Their minds are so.... They move in strange directions....
SH-BOOM
He's wasted, you say?
REV. MOTHER
Completely blotto... Forced spice evolution of humans changes many things.... That blasted, I must sit close to him.
SH-BOOM
He will not permit anyone but me to see him. You must be outside this room... Do what you can.
REV. MOTHER
(Playing with long locks of her feminine-Mohawk hair:) I am your truthsayer, my lord. (Drops lock, sensing something outside the room.) He's here, my lord!
MS: The front door. Loud locks unbolt. Grand hall doors open.
(Under the carved inscription "Let It Grow", the doors to the Emperor's chambers slide open. Enter a group of black-latex-clad cameos trucking-in a monstrous hookah. The transparent bulb of the giant water pipe is half-filled with an emerald-green liquid. Inside is NAVIGATOR. Seven stems lead to seven masks, each mask affixed-to-the-respective-faces-of the seven cameos. One other, free-wheeling cameo snaps his fingers as another puts some weird-translator-pipe-thing to his mouth. FREE-WHEELER deeply-hits the five-foot translator-pipe-thing and exhales a pale, green gas, creating an alien-sounding voice. He speaks in a foreign, guttural tongue, yet we hear an incensed, firm, resolute and amplified voice as if it came-through a very-old speaker system -- the kind made of tin. You know, a crooner’s mike or the kind shown in Buggles’ "Video Killed The Radio Star.")
FREE-WHEELER
The Been Lez-a-bit witch must leave!
SH-BOOM
Leave us.
REV. MOTHER
As you wish, my lord.
(She exits and we follow.)
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
(She darts to an adjacent hall and sits on a bench. She expertly-licks-and-fires-up a joint, closes her eyes and rubs her temples -- keying-in-on what is transpiring next door. Take your time, this chick is smokin’ hot and shows lotsa leg for no one in particular, and yet we get to see it all.)
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM
SH-BOOM
We are alone.
(Inside the Emperor's chamber, the TANK-SUITED GUILDSMEN are arranging themselves in a "O" formation around the hookah. Suddenly the drapes covering the hookah lift, slowly-and-beautifully revealing a huge, thick glass bulb. Inside the bulb floats a BOSTON THIRD STAGE NAVIGATOR. The bulb is filled with swirling green spice-gas, and Guildsmen continuously vacuum-up the toxic chemical spills dripping from under the hookah. Suddenly, the Guild Navigator floats towards the Emperor, his humanoid shape is seen. A guildsman-cameo lights the top of the hookah with a long staff like those used to light street-lamps. The tethered cameos begin inhaling as the bulb fills with a lighter-tinted green smoke. From the inside of the green smoke, a shadowy, fish-like man with dried-blood-red eyes and webbed hands is briefly-glimpsed swimming inside the bulb, floating about in the smoke. Its voice; as if underwater.)
NAVIGATOR
(Puts a webbed hand to the glass; we see the remnant of humanity within the mutated body for a moment.) I was reading the Guild Gazette, on the page that said Op-Ed, seems the Guild's got a prob, so they sent me, Hop-Head. (Bows.) Suffering just a few cuts and nicks, my stoney butt just flew in from Kix.
SH-BOOM
Oh?
NAVIGATOR
Yes, and boy, are my arms tired. (Rim-shot.) “Soccer-Moms like Kix.” They have machines there. New machines. (Superfluous rim-shot, like an echo or something.) You are transparent; I see many things: Plans within plans; control of the Rad Lands -- I see three houses feuding; and yours I'm including -- I see you behind this. Who you think you are, Ozymandias?
SH-BOOM
You don't need to rhyme everything, you know -- I like so get it already; you're like all hopped-up on spice -- like, all the time.
NAVIGATOR
Indulgle me, man, I'll be as brief as I can. (Double-mega power hits.) You're the dude behind the feud.
SH-BOOM
The feud between House Mercedes and House Narc-On-Em? (Why? Is there another feud going on?) Yes, that's true.
NAVIGATOR
You must share with us to clear the air with us-
CUT TO:
INT. NEXT DOOR
REV. MOTHER V.O.
(Without moving lips; smoke lazily drifting out of her hairless nostrils:) Yes...
CUT TO:
INT. MASTER HALL
SH-BOOM
(Beat. Lame reaction. Reference: The Nemo Look. [If you're re-reading this book, My Heartfelt Reader, you know what I refer to -- if not, don't worry about it; remember good readers don't read ahead...]) The House Mercedes is using a device unknown to us, one that involves sound. This could threaten my position as Emperor. Duke Mercedes has great popularity in the Rad Lands, and I fear that unless I do something, it is only a matter of time before he would use this new technology to usurp me, to challenge my authority as the H-N-I-C.
NAVIGATOR
Head Narcissist In Charge? (Why? Is there another acronym for it?) Yes, I see.
SH-BOOM
I have asked House Mercedes to leave Calderon and occupy Darukkus. Ostensibly, his garrison will be left open for opportunity -- with all the packing and unpacking of all their stash, the Duke won't have time for much else; moving across the Universe can be a difficult thing, you know.
NAVIGATOR
Oh! (Groans:) Don't I know it, even if I don't show it. It so can blow, you know.
CU: SH-BOOM
SH-BOOM
I've- (Beat. Inner voice:) I've given up the lead in Othello at Stratford On Avon for THIS? (Out loud:) I've asked the Duke's entourage to take-over all leaf-pruning operations on the planet, thus replacing their sworn enemies, the Narc-On-Ems. The Duke will not refuse, for he cannot resist the tremendous power he will gain in the Rad Lands and all the phat royalty shares he will receive from all the CHONG transactions going-down. Then, at a pre-determined time, the Baron Narc-On-Em and his red-headed-step-chil' -- er, his army of ginger soldiers will launch a sneak attack, fortified by five battalions of my finest Sativa Warriors.
NAVIGATOR
From your perspective I am able to see. This will rid you of House Mercedes, 1, 2, 3.
SH-BOOM
(Glad he got to share after all, for here's one who sees it. Smiles:) Yes! Once House Mercedes is gone, no other great house in the Rad Lands will dare to rise-up against me.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
(Outside, the Reverend Mother is seeing the scene in her head. She suddenly flinches.)
WIPE TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM - EMPEROR'S PALACE - REVEREND MOTHER'S MENTAL IMAGE - NIGHT
(The Guild Navigator turns toward her and comes very close to her. We hear NAVIGATOR speak to her.)
NAVIGATOR
(To Reverend Mother, mentally:) Reverend Mother... To escape future wrath, I will give you the Ex-Lax-Oo Path.
REV. MOTHER V.O.
(An excited whisper:) A chance for quick evacuation? But for whom? (Pause.) From whom?
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM
SH-BOOM
My plan... You see the brilliance of it, yes?
NAVIGATOR
(To SH-BOOM:) I see. Easy as sparking a joint. (Pause.) There is, however, one small point...
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY
REV. MOTHER
Here it comes...
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
SH-BOOM
(Taps on glass:) Yo! Can you hear me?... If this visit has anything to do with the spice melange...
(Why? Is there another reason he would just drop-in to say hello? NAVIGATOR shudders and swishes quite violently in his tank.)
NAVIGATOR
LISTEN TO ME! (Beat. Thumping beat, literally.) The spice must blaze... it's not just a craze... we need the haze to cut through the maze and to live for many, many, many days... it has enabled you to live four hundred twenty years, so you had better perk your ears... the spice helps make the afro juice, which can do much more than make you foot-loose, it gives the perma-sheen mentals the ability to crunk, to do break-dancing and spit free-style funk... the secret side of Simoleon Spice... the Resin Of Fruitful Life; like white on rice...
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
REVEREND MOTHER V.O.
He shouldn't speak of this...
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM
NAVIGATOR
...lets the Been Lez-a-bit gals foresee the roll of the dice...and to have equal pay-a and condition-a in the Missionaria Positiona... Our power to do space origami is all in the spice... It could be done by a Brew-man or a swami, but they're never precise... Without us, moving around would be at ten times the cost; an empire not found... You would be lost.
SH-BOOM
Lost? Bro, I got G-P-S on my wristwatch, I can assure you...
NAVIGATOR
Do not interrupt! Our girl's breasts are still cupped... Yo! Dude, spark that joint, cuz I still got ONE SMALL POINT...
CUT TO:
INT. NEXT ROOM
REVEREND MOTHER (V.O.)
Yep, here it comes...
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
MS: MASTER HALL
SH-BOOM
(Blazes an Imperial Spleef.) Yes?
NAVIGATOR
We, ourselves... forsee a slight problem within House Mercedes. It's a problem that's to do with mixin' the guys and the ladies -- The Duke's son; Porsche, Porsche Mercedes... his future is... hazy. Yo, I did not say dees.
SH-BOOM
Needs work. (Turns head, a little confused:) Porsche?
NAVIGATOR
Porsche. Porsche Mercedes. He can go to Hades. We want him jailed. In jail, in jail. In jail without no bail.
SH-BOOM
Porsche Mercedes? Naw, bro, surely you mean his pappy the duke; Duke Cheeto.
(The water splashes within the bulb. NAVIGATOR'S red fish-eye is clearly seen as his face nears the glass. The smoke keeps churning inside.)
NAVIGATOR
No! Nyet! Nein! Negatori, we mean Porsche, yo, end of story. (Close to glass:) We want him in re-hab. Or on a stone slab. (He retreats into the smoke.) Blend his incarceration into your recipe and you will come with a meal very liking to me.... I was not here. I did not say this. We don't drink near-beer, I like mashed potatiss-
(The Guildsmen begin to exit, rolling-away the pipe and waving burning sage about.)
SH-BOOM
(Nod.) I understand. (Inner voice:) I understand he's got a leak in that tank somewhere...
(NAVIGATOR has retreated to within the bulb and the Guildsman are removing him. The Emperor watches as they leave. He wears a very perplexed, worried look on his face.)
SH-BOOM (Cont'd)
(Whispering, to himself:) Why would they want the Duke's son busted?
CUT TO:
INT. NEXT ROOM
(REVEREND MOTHER is surrounded by other feminine-mohawk-wearing witches dolled-up-to-the-nines.)
REV. MOTHER
(Leading them:) We must go to Calderon and have a look at Porsche Mercedes.
DISSOLVE TO: