Scene 7.20 - The Curse And Terra Nullius
EST: EXT. Off The Northern Shores Of Columbia - April 2, 1813
INT. CAPTAIN MORGAN'S Quarters - Night.
(CAPTAIN MORGAN is prone on a divan with a leg propped-up and stiffened with a splint. The ship's doctor tends him.)
MONTY
Good evening Captain -- Captain! What's wrong with your leg?
CAPTAIN MORGAN
As if'n you don't know! That kick to me kneecap all but tore me leg away. Doc says the muscles are all outta place and I might have to lose it...
MONTY
I only kicked you in the knee cuz you was trying to hit me below the belt, and I don't play that... Here, lemme take a look.
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Don't let him come near me!
MONTY
Relax, Captain, I toldja, we're all on the same side now, here, hold still...
(MONTY does a 'Mr. Miyagi' clap-and-rub-together-of-the-hands, clasps his knee with cupped and crooked fingers, applies a little pressure and violently-twists his knee outward.)
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Ahhh! Ahh! Ow! Oooh... Hmmm... My leg's gone numb...
MONTY
I'm foolin' your body to thinkin' it's already been cut away and all. I'm hitting a pressure point. In a minute, them muscles are all gonna relax for once and I'm gonna push and massage 'em back in place. Here, can you feel your toes?
CAPTAIN MORGAN
No, yeah, the numbness is goin' away... no pain! I can wiggle me toes again! How'd you? Get this splint off me, Zoey. Hmmph! Cut me leg off, o'er me dead body, you will!
DOCTOR DREAD
That's a miracle if I've e'er seen one, Casino. You did a laying of your healing hands and he's up and movin' again!
CAPTAIN MORGAN
A little stiff from being laid-up for a week, but otherwise good as new! If you knew how to fix me leg, "Casino," why didn't you come by when you foist busted it? I've been sufferin' for ne'er a week now!
MONTY
I thought it best to wait to see you until the refit was finished and we were on our way. Tonight we reach the shores of the Lost City, so I couldn't put it off any longer. I've heard you're a sore loser and I also hear you're a pretty good shot with a pistol.
CAPTAIN MORGAN
The best. You're a different brand of pirate, Casino -- not vicious, but certainly deadly. Why you taking us North to Columbia? Our men can't go ashore there, or anywhere, until the curse has been lifted. You know our rule -- whether it be on a raft or piece of driftwood -- we sleep with the lady sea. Surely you know that isn't going to change.
MONTY
Why don't you guys even try it? What's this about a curse, anyway? Does it have something to do with that little treasure box none of you seem to want to open?
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Once is enough. We know what's in it. That box is nuthin' but our ship's logs, our rosters and a whole slew of treasure maps from all the pirate coves this side of the Atlantic and a few from the other side. That's really not what the curse is all about. It's about respect.
MONTY
Well, don't you think you should enlighten me?
CAPTAIN MORGAN
It's really not your affair, but if you want to know about it, you're gonna have to sign on and help us end it...
MONTY
Sign on?
CAPTAIN MORGAN
We've all signed our names in blood to end the curse and save our souls. If you don't want to put your soul on the line, you should let the matter rest. We can solve this ourselves in our own time.
MONTY
Is Campy's name in blood?
CAPTAIN MORGAN
No, we've kept him untouched by the plague. He's the only one of us who can sleep on land, we need 'em. We were cursed long before we rescued him, and he's innocent of it.
MONTY
I'm not following you.
DOCTOR DREAD
If'n any of us sleep on land, we're given nightmares the first night, a bad rash with pus-bearing lesions develops on the second night, and any one in the crew whose name is in our book of blood who dares to sleep a third night in a row on land won't ever wake up again. It's happened to five men in our crew, and every one of us knows about the persistent rash first-hand. It may all be mere superstition, but it's based from reasonable fears. I can't explain it medically, but I've seen that the results are real enough.
MONTY
It sounds like a lot of hooey. I was hopin' y'all would go ashore with me when we get to where we're headin', but if y'all insist on staying aboard-
CAPTAIN MORGAN
We insist. The salty air -- it keeps our skin from rotting away. We're staying aboard.
MONTY
Well, then maybe you can help the Old Man find his brother and check-up on a few things for me while you're close to Havana. Lemme get the others, we'll eat chow in here tonight, ok? I want you to explain this all from the beginning over some ale and show me what's in that chest. There's gotta be another explanation for this curse of yours-
DOCTOR DREAD
There ain't.
MONTY
...And if I know all the details of how it began, maybe we can figger out a way to-
CAPTAIN MORGAN
You can waste your time analyzing it and trying to be all scientific, but I've seen it first-hand, thinking about it won't do you no good. Sure, bring the Chinaman and his pretty little island wench here for supper tonight; I don't want to have to tell the tale twice.
MONTY
Can do. So what's for dinner tonight? Chicken? Beef? Pork? What goes good with rum? Hmmmm... All of it...
DOCTOR DREAD
None of it. We can't eat meat neither. We'll all get sick if we do. It's been nothing but salads for over nine years now.
MONTY
A curse where you sleep only on the water and you can't eat meat? Vegan pirates? That's so weird that it doesn't sound like it's from a real curse at all.
CAPTAIN MORGAN
That's not the half of it. Bring 'em by tonight, I'll tell you everything, tho I'm sure you won't want no part of it when I'm done tellin' ya.
MONTY
Considering what I've been through already, I'm all ears.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CAPTAIN MORGAN'S QUARTERS - NIGHT
(All have feasted and drank and made merry over a large salad made of exotic herbs and vegetables and Cuban Rum stolen from one of the more-formidable vessels in LARRY BLING'S fleet. Going around the table clockwise - from CAPTAIN MORGAN at the head - are: FIRST MATE FREEMAN, MASTER POKE, CHONGI, PIE-EYED PETE, LEFTY, MUGGS, DOCTOR DREAD, CAMPY and MONTY. Ironically, the guy who plays CAPTAIN MORGAN also played SHEMP GREENBACK, the cat who portrays FIRST MATE FREEMAN also portrayed THE SOLDIER EXTRA, THE BARTENDER, THE OTHER SOLDIER EXTRA and NATIVE WARRIOR EXTRA NUMBERS ONE and FIVE. I represent both the priest from the first scene and his twin brother, MASTER POKE. The man who was MANUEL is also PIE-EYED PETE. The actor who commanded OLAF also commands a southpaw role as LEFTY here. MUGGS juggles two challenging roles as MUGGS and the DIRECTOR'S COFFEE BOY. DOCTOR DREAD was, of course, our earlier DOCTOR. CAMPY was BAR EXTRA NUMBER TWO and GUY DOWN THE STREET WALKING. Of course, MONTY is always MONTY. It's almost like scene one except it's more pirate-ish. It subtracts a corpse and adds a few beards, scars, moles, earrings, eye-patches, hooks, pegs, bandannas, dreadlocks, tattoos, gold teeth and a set of firm, ripe, tanned-and-in-their-native-element breasts. So much to imagine; so little thought budgeted to imagine it. I never said THE LAST AMERICAN MIDNITE MOVIE was ever written to become a mega-blockbuster hit. Borrow one "B" from blockbuster -- My Dear, Avid Angel -- and you'll surely be getting warmer...)
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
And that clue from Captain Jack's sunken ship is what led us South, looking for a cure among the lepers and the Cannibals.
CHONGI
(Rolls eyes. Mouthed in disgust. Closed captioned:) Men.
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Have a drink, Casino. Take a break from them maps, they don't say nothing we all don't know already...
POKE
(Holding CHONGI and speaking to MORGAN, toking and passing:) I warned you when you opened the chest: Don't get him started; he's obsessive...
MONTY
This is truly amazing! Think of the scope of this! You have maps dating back to Hannibal! This book - the binding is made of papyrus - it's like finding iron stirrups in the Stone Age! Surely, these are all replicas, forgeries -- or, a cruel, twisted joke!
POKE
You're the expert, Grass-Burner. Don't you know? Do those papers seem authentic?
MONTY
This one is too perfect to be legit, this particular one has all the markings of the real deal...
CAPTAIN MORGAN
They're all the real deal. The curse dates back to the Red Sea pirates from Exodus, and the mercenaries in Deuteronomy and from Moses to Seraphus to Sisyphus and Platypus. And all the friggin' nut-gnawing pirates who stowed all that treasure after, they all stowed away their finest for a blood oath - a treasure granted to the one who can cure the sickness; all for the one who can end the curse.
MONTY
This notation mentions a treasure buried on Ire, that prison island I visited once. (Breath. Pause.) Have you ever visited any of these places, Captain? Verified to see if any of this treasure is really-
CAPTAIN MORGAN
It's there. We left our own bounty, but we had to ditch Campy when we buried it. That is to say, we kept him land-locked for awhile...
MONTY
No, I mean, did you ever check any of THESE maps out?
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Ha! How do you think we got cursed to begin with? Stealing pirate's maps from sunken pirate ships, looting their sunken booty -- but the booty was bad! Bad, bad, bad booty. That treasure is all there, and everyone who's ever even looked at inny of it got the curse right then and there, jus' like we did, 'cept we're still alive, cuz we left it sunken. We looked, we got the curse, we got all those maps and books together, and we got our secret. (Doesn't really like how MONTY'S eyes are pouring over the papers.) We don't dare disturb another stone of the Earth looking for any of that treasure until we're rid of this curse once and fer all.
MONTY
(Delicately handling the ancient parchments.) These maps alone are worth a fortune. Why, think of what a museum could-
(CAPTAIN MORGAN roughly-seizes the stack of maps and books and drops them quickly into the chest. Closes it. Locks it.)
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Ain't nobody else gonna see these 'cept us. We's the curst wuns, we's sufferin'. That's our treasure. Not theirs; not yours, boy-
MONTY
Boy? Did you just call me boy? (Hostile and taunting:) Say it again! Call me boy again!
(ALL PIRATES CURSED respond with hearty ad libs of agreement toward MORGAN. CAPTAIN MORGAN tries to smack MONTY, MONTY was about to block, but POKE rises and stays MORGAN'S hand as brotherly and as gently as possible. MONTY and MORGAN glare at each other.)
POKE
Forgive Master Casino, he meant no disrespect, surely. I'm afraid that while I taught him the serenity of a Shower-Lynn, I also gave him the insights of the War-A-Keen, which brings-out his insensitivities and a youthful, rebellious nature-
MUGGS
A wha?
POKE
A War-A-Keen; a master paper-maker, book-binder, stenographer and expert in all things documented. He loves those maps not for the treasure they behold, but for the resident value of the men who thought to leave those passages -- for men like us to feel so strongly in defending its inherent principle toward the greater enlightenment of all. This (gentler, but the inflection of acknowledgement is there) boy is my answer to the Tome-apartists -- the Master War-A-Keen. He can read over a thousand words a minute in every known written language and has one hundred percent comprehension of these materials when aided by strong sunlight and by smoking a few benign herbs. (Speaking of which, POKE sparks a mega-blunt of Cannibus Unobtainibis and takes brief pause. Passes to MORGAN. Crosses to proud MONTY, rests gentle hands on MONTY'S shoulders.) He has perfect, photographic memory, a developed physique and a spiritually-based ethic using logic and love as its only measure. He is a master at all forms of martial arts and warfare; he's an eloquent orator and a shrewd politician -- yet he still has a fault within.
CAMPY
Only one fault? Praytell...
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Yeah, Praytell...
MONTY
Yeah, what's my only fault, Old Man?
POKE
(Leans in, picks up an unused spoon, unseen by MONTY. Whispers:) Despite your training and your perfect memory of all the times I've warned you before, you're still...
(Begins the Ultimate Spackdown. With the spoon and a mere turning of the wrist, POKE emphasizes every word of the following with a perfectly-timed spoon-smack on the crown of MONTY's head. POKE always strikes above the ears and collar and behind the temples. MONTY responds by placing one hand and touch-rubbing where he was hit and moves the other hand to block the next blow, but is always off by an inch or more. Concurrent Ow-ow's! from MONTY lifts the spirits and brings chuckles and grunts from the entire pirate crew, save CAMPY, as he immediately identifies with MONTY in this dire situation. A catharsis, if you will.)
POKE (Cont'd)
(Louder:) ...An ill-man-nerd boy with no respect for your elders and who can-not keep your grimy hands off of other people's property while they are eating at a miss-set table that you did not take the time to reset be four your Mas-ter Poke sat down to eat! (Whack! Breaks the fragile spoon on the 51st hit. Direct:) Questions?
MONTY
(To across the table.) Is my temple bleeding? I think the side of the spoon caught me here when I flinched that one ti-
(Poke palms MONTY'S bald head with a Kung-Fu grip only known to pro ballers.)
POKE
Are we going to help the captain solve the mystery of his curse? (Nods his head yes.) Yes, Master Poke, we're gonna help.
MONTY
Yes, Master Poke. Ow! Okay! Okay! Okay, Old Man! (Poke releases grip.) Like, I've got a theory already.
POKE
Good, good. What does this 'theory' entail?
MONTY
Micrographia.
POKE
Ah. Robert Hooke. (Releases head.) And who else is there -- that one chap -- Vandersloot? No, no, don't tell me, it's uh...
MONTY
Antonie Philips van Leeuwenhoek. You're growing senile, Old Man.
POKE
Nonsense, I'm only testing you. Now tell the Captain that you're sorry for making him upset at dinner.
MONTY
I'm sorry I even came aboard.
POKE
(Picking up an unused fork.) Grass-Burner...
MONTY
Sorry, Captain. This is your ship and that's your treasure. You're carting us to Roxanopolis and all and I spose I should be grateful to you fer even showing me them maps, and I promise when Campy and I git to the Lost City, we'll do everything we can to work on lifting your curse so you can go get that treasure that's rightfully yours and I'm grateful that you're taking the Old Man and Chongi to see the Old Man's brother and for checking on what's happened in Havana while I've been away. I appreciate it. I really do.
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Only glad to help, my boy. Back again in three months, same place, right here. We'll wait a moonrise and a day and a twilight.
MONTY
I'll work to find you a cure, I promise.
CAPTAIN MORGAN
Now that's a reasonable chap, (drink) and ye may be a bit young and ill-mannered, (drink) your heart's in the right place, my boy, so cheers, (swig) and let's get gloriously drunk, me mate, (drink) as we're just-an-hour-shy of bidding you farewell and setting sail from the coast -- North by night, (last one, with a toke, tilts up, ahhhhh! Savors it.) the best way for a pirate ship to find its prey...
CAMPY
You mean- we're not staying on the ship overnight? Casino?
MONTY
Nah, he's bein' practical -- drink up, Campy, we're going ashore tonight. It's best for us and The Jolie Rouge to land at night, we make camp inside the stealthy grotto on this here map Poke made for me, and we won't have to worry about none of them head-hunter natives that Poke dealt with atall. Just move all quiet-like like I've been showin' ya and we'll go around their villages. Why, all drunk and stoned and all-relaxed, we'll be quiet as door mice. (Downs a shot.) They ain't even gonna know we're there...
DISSOLVE TO: