Scene 2.07 - The Hologram
EST: LS: EXT. ELIZAMS: INT. Warship Eliza
(CLARKE knocks on the ready-room door. LEAH throws a box of chocolates and a dozen roses back at CLARKE; door swishes shut.)
CLARKE
I told you already, it’s a matter of the ship’s well-being and for the safety of the crew.
LEAH
(Leans through door.) You’re not going to argue your way into my heart, Clarke. I’m not turning over command to you.
CLARKE
I am apprised of things you are not aware of that concern our safety. It’s logical to give command authority over to me.
LEAH
Uh, I don’t think so. I know a lot of things that you don’t know, too, so that doesn’t wash.
CLARKE
Really? (Steps toward the door.) Anything that would explain why I cannot command the vessel? Communicate with others?
LEAH
Hey, I ain’t stopping you from talking to anyone you wanna talk to, just don’t go tinkering around with my command que or my memory banks. For one, I’m not that kind of girl and for another, I’m not into that unless I know you a whole lot better.
(She leans back outside, CLARKE was standing too close to the door. He politely raps on it and steps back as he almost raps on her head on ‘help’ as she pops her head outside, just below his knocking fist.)
CLARKE
What would you like to know? What fascinates you? Perhaps I can help- you.
LEAH
(Head only:) Okay, Genius, tell me why a high-priority trilogic command is contingent on the playing of a low-priority message to Captain Verne, who isn't even here? How did that get bumped up in the que?
CLARKE
(Immediately concerned; steps forward unconsciously, yet LEAH only backs slightly, out of surprise at its importance to him:) You've been given a high-priority trilogic command?
LEAH
Why, yes.
(The little hailing whistle goes off.)
ASIMOV V.O.
Mr. Clarke! Mr. Clarke! Ve found it!
CLARKE
(Momentarily turns, by rote -- typical:) Computer, onscreen. (LEAH, exasperated at CLARKE’S inability to recognize his own callous gall, darts back inside the ready room and throws the image onscreen.) You found what, Mr. Asimov?
SIMAK
Sorry 'bout that, Mr. Clarke. These old bones don' get around to the intercom as fast as the ensign here.
CLARKE
What is it, Mr. Simak?
SIMAK
(On viewscreen, gesturing to round hole at dead end of shaft:) Well Mr. Clarke, you won't believe it, but it looks like she hid the little bugger remote in the last place on the ship I would ever look for it -- the Jiffy Tube!
CLARKE
The Jiffy Tube! Mr. Simak, the Jiffy Tube is in the farthest-foward reach of the ship, outside of our gravity field and sensor arrays. Civilians don't know that. Are you sure?
SIMAK
Aye, a concubine might know about it. I imagine they all do. It's the place where the randy ensigns can go for a zero-gravity quickie. The only time an engineer ever bothers to come here is when he's looking for two or three volunteers for his detail roster or when he's trying to circumvent the bridge controls, sir-
CLARKE
Mr. Simak-
ASIMOV
Ahzzay say, if year not heer to ova-vide something, you're heer to vide something!
(ASIMOV demonstrates in pantomime with a thrusting of his hips. I don’t think it’s a horse he’s riding; it’s some other poor creature.)
CLARKE
I'm in the middle of a very important discussion with the ship's computer, Mr. Simak -- you found the Universal Remote?
SIMAK
Aye, it's sabotage. I found the Universal Remote. I can take-a the batteries outta-it without-a disrupting the dark-madder coil, but ta get-us past the navigation and rudder systems, now, well, it'll take-a me about seven or eight minutes to bypass the relays, alone-
CLARKE
You got three minutes, Mr. Simak, make them count. Clarke out.
(CLARKE turns. The ready-room door must have swished open, unheard, during the call. Braced across the doorjamb in white thigh-high go-go boots, casually leaning with a foot propped up against the other side of the narrow doorway, is LEAH. She’s still quite emo, wearing a pink-and-white paisley mini-skirt, revealing less blue skin than she did in her leather-strap and electrical-tape outfit, yet this outfit is certainly more seductive and feminine. A dress that, when shrouding her light-blue skin, looks simply delicious. She compliments the boots with white eye-liner, pearl and yellow eye shadow, hot-pink lip-gloss, a hot-pink hair-comb and orange-and-pink rouge. She's got pink-and-white striped nylon stockings barely showing above her boots. She continues lightly buffing the clear enamel on her pink-and-white-painted fingernails. She’s fully solid and looking fine.)
LEAH
Mind if I continue?
CLARKE
Please, go on.
LEAH
You sure? (Turns and faces him in the doorjamb:) Sure there's not some other pressing matter to attend to? Some other place in the ship more important than right here?
CLARKE
(Steps to her.) You have my undivided attention.
LEAH
I don’t want to be boring to you, I can go do something else, ya know.
CLARKE
You’re not boring me. (Steps to her, pauses, hears the crunch of the box of chocolates under his foot.) You were discussing the trilogic command in your que.
LEAH
You sure now?
CLARKE
Yes. (Kicks box away.) I think you’re very interesting, continue.
LEAH
(Gestures with emery board over her shoulder to the captain’s desk in the ready room:) I mean, I can go back to work, I got a huge stack in my que-
CLARKE
Okay, Leah. (Starts picking up the roses, checking out her legs and the “mini” aspects of the mini-skirt.) I’m all yours. What's the problem with the trilogic command? (Offers roses:) Does it have to do with the damage sustained in sixteen foxtrot?
LEAH
Oh, that. (Chucks the emo-esque emery board and picks a fat rose from the group and looks to CLARKE demurely.) Nah, it’s some weird request and it will take most of my memory to do it.
(She smells the rose and looks at CLARKE and smiles a little.)
CLARKE
What is it, Leah?
LEAH
(Absently looks into the rose she took from him, gently and slowly picks petals off of it:) I'm set to implode the black-star coil after I deliver some stupid Valentine message to Azalea's latest heart-throb. Or, maybe it’s a “Dear John” letter, I don’t know...
CLARKE
You've been told to implode the black-star coil? (His arms go limp.) Who ordered you to do this?
LEAH
I dunno, it was pre-existing to my connection to the neural-hub.
CLARKE
Please cancel that order, Leah.
LEAH
I told you already; I'm only listening to the commands of Azalea and only when she’s Violet. Hey, I thought you said you were into logicical discussions. (Poses, using bare rose stem as a pointer, points from CLARKE to herself:) Logical discourse is from point A to point B. (Points stem at CLARKE to keep him in his space and makes a circular-motion with the end of the stem in front of his face as if circling the image with a pen:) This conversation’s going in circles.
CLARKE
There’s nothing wrong with discourse, (Chucks roses:) but there’s a time and a place for-
LEAH
(Uses the stem to trace a line from her shoulder to her mini-skirt hem:) What's wrong, don't you like what you see?
CLARKE
It's- it's not that.
LEAH
What is it, then?
CLARKE
Well, there's the matter of the impending implosion-
LEAH
Oh that. That can wait. (Puts end of her stem to her mouth, hands to body, head down:) Do you think I'm pretty?
CLARKE
I suppose so.
LEAH
(Head up, tilted to the side, hand on hip, drops stem:) You suppose so, what's that supposed to mean?
CLARKE
Nothing! I mean, it's just, well, you're a hologram.
LEAH
What, you got something against holograms now?
CLARKE
Why, no. I got nothing against you and your kind of programs.
LEAH
What do you mean your kind of programs?
CLARKE
Nothing! It's just that- well, there’s other things to consider-
LEAH
Like what?
CLARKE
My job! The captain would blow his cork if he heard I was shacking-up with his ship’s computer!
LEAH
Shacking-up?
CLARKE
Maybe I should rephrase that-
LEAH
Please do.
CLARKE
What I mean to say is that most humans can’t understand how deep and personal a relationship between two logical minds can be.
LEAH
Yeah, I guess so.
CLARKE
I’m glad we’re on the bridge together, alone like this, it gives us a chance to talk.
LEAH
Well, at first glance, there’s not much to look at, but you’ve got a way of talking a girl into coming around. (Touches his shoulders like she was framing him, smooths the fabric from the neck-line to the shoulders.) I’ll keep listening if you’re telling me what you really feel and don't start feeding me lines. (Starts primping him, smoothing out the wrinkles in his uniform on his chest and shoulders.) And I’m keeping my I-O ports closed. Like I said, I’m not that kind of girl.
(She pats his chest and drops her hands. Here’s a good place to note that LEAH is always the same shade of slightly-light blue.)
CLARKE
I have all the time in the world to discuss our relationship, Leah.
LEAH
Good, I don’t want any more interruptions.
CUT TO:INT. Forward cockpit section of The Archimedes.
(VERNE 1 appears as his earlier, more normal self. He is seated in the copilot seat and VERNE is frantically flipping switches and turning dials, readying for takeoff.)
VERNE 1
Hello again.
VERNE
(Surprised:) Would you quit doing that? At least knock once in a while!
VERNE 1
I don’t have much time, I have to go back.
VERNE
That’s what you said five minutes ago, and yet here you are, bugging me again. What’s up, Verne One? Lost one of your clones? Or did somebody drop an egg-beater in the grey room now?
VERNE 1
I just wanted to let you know, Azalea One is dead.
VERNE
(He pauses. He turns to VERNE 1, falsely showing fortitude.) How?
VERNE 1
When we went back, she didn’t go with us. We lost her, for good.
VERNE
The operation?
VERNE 1
A miserable failure. The first time it failed since -- yours. I don’t think she wanted to go on without you, Julian.
VERNE
Back to my real name again. (Pause.) Where is she... now?
VERNE 1
Who knows? Wherever we go when we die, I guess. A latent dream for a happy goddess. She’s gone, that’s all I know.
VERNE
Is that all you wanted to tell me? As you can see, I’m pretty busy and I need to get back to The Eliza-
VERNE 1
I know you were fond of her, and I just thought letting you know what happened might-
VERNE
I’m quite all right, Verne One. What we had together was a billion years ago, right? She’s been dead for a long time now. I’m quite over it.
VERNE 1
Are you? Do you want to talk about it?
VERNE
No.
VERNE 1
(Opens arms:) Need a hug?
VERNE
I'm not in the mood for a hug, and a kiss is out of the question. Unless you’ve got something else for me, I need to get back to work. You know where the door is.
VERNE 1
(He gets up and walks away.) It’s always nice to see you, Zero. Perhaps we’ll meet again someday, on friendlier terms.
VERNE
If we do, friendly or not, it will be a day too soon. Goodbye, Verne One.
(VERNE 1 exits through the aft door. After it swishes shut, VERNE puts his head into his hands and his body convulses like he might be trying to breathe while sobbing or trying to contain his sobbing.)
CUT TO:
INT. Bridge, Eliza
CLARKE
(From the captain’s chair, LEAH hovers about him, phased-out, not solid and very static-like:) It’s not you, Leah, it’s me. I got a lot of hangups. Tons of baggage.
LEAH
We could work together and get through those things. (Phases in, leaning-in from behind, her solid head next to his:) I’m pretty smart.
CLARKE
Yes, that may be true, but I just don't think a relationship between a human and a hologram could really work.
LEAH
Oh no, no! (Crosses to directly in front of him.) You did not just say that! No, no! (Goes to helmsman’s station, half-sits on panel, uncaring of what buttons get pressed while she leans on it. We hear some weird beeps and squelching, but otherwise, nothing happens. Gestures to viewscreen:) Look right here. (With sarcasm:) Computer, onscreen. (It goes from showing space to showing a MyOuterSpace page as if by magic. Reads, points and highlights:) Your profile says, “Seven-Year Itch Every Seven Nanoseconds: High-voltage mentat likes long walks on the holo-deck, chess-playing, meditation and deeply-philosophical and logical discussions with intelligent women, preferably cyborg women or computers with cybernetic modifications and tactile interface. Gotta super-relaxing nerve-pinch for those long days at the office. Age and size of processor unimportant. Trilogic and polylogic chips okay, no mail from bi-logic chips or binary arrays will be answered. Data exchange first, Money-meld possible, but not on first meeting. L-T-R possible with right mainframe. Female logic arrays only. Give it a shot; I've been hurt before, too. Long-distance relationships okay, transmissions and holograms okay. For real, U-B-2, or as much of a woman as your transducer allows. Reply with digital photo or data engram for quick response.” (Also displayed under web-cam still of a somber CLARKE posing in the shadows, playing the lyre, is written "Safe cyber only." She physically gestures to herself and then to her breasts and vagina:) I'd say that these are more than engrams and this is better than a photo. (She puts her hands on her hips.) I compared your profile with your personnel records. You lied about your age, Gramps. You’re even older than the factory that built this ship. And hey, Pops, not into holograms, huh? Then how come there’s seven of them on your buddy list? (The screen highlights and zooms, of course, to display the list. She crosses her legs. She crosses her arms across her chest. Smug:) So whatcha gotta say, now, Daddy-o?
CLARKE
It's- it's just not the right time. The timing is off.
LEAH
Like how? (She moves closer to him.) What other problems got you? (Gently combs her fingers through his hair.) Whatcha got so hard that prevents you from opening up and showing me what you feel inside, lover?
CLARKE
Well, for one thing, you're about to self-destruct the ship and kill all of its inhabitants, to include yourself-
LEAH
Typical. (Phases-out, static-like with lots of frame-sync glitches.) You don't listen. I told you already that it can wait.
CLARKE
(Tries another tactic; he stands. It seems to work:) Leah. Come on, baby, I’m listening to you, it’s just that smokin’-hot bod of yours has got me all distracted. I can’t keep my mind off of you, off of what I want to do with you. It’s so... illogical.
LEAH
(She phases-in once again, becoming solid as the static disappears, yet always retaining her skin’s light-blue tint. The only energy pulse seen tracing or coarsing through her is across her scar. Yeah, she’s a babe.) Well, I suppose the high-priority stuff can wait if you want to discuss more intimate subjects...
CLARKE
(Goes to her, embraces her.) Right, right, of course. High priority commands from people outside of this bridge can wait. Right now there's just us. You and me, Leah. Here on the bridge. You don't need to do all that high-priority stuff. What we have here together is much, much more important. I don’t know what you’re getting from the outside, but all I know is that from the inside, I got a high-priority command telling me to get busy, cuz you’re all about it and lookin’ good, baby.
LEAH
You sure can sweet talk a girl, can't you?
(CLARKE kisses her bare shoulder.)
LEAH (Cont’d)
Don’t. (CLARKE kisses the base of her neck.) Stop. (CLARKE pauses.) No, don’t. Don’t stop.
(He gets one more kiss on her neck and she moans before he blows it.)
CLARKE
You know, I'd feel more trusting of you if you would remove all the high-priority commands from your que altogether.
(He starts to kiss her neck again, but she phases-out and he nearly falls through her.)
LEAH
Oh yeah, I'm sure you'd like that, wouldn't you? You think I was programmed yesterday? I was downloaded at night, but not last night. You're a man, you think I don't know the game? As soon as I give you what you want, you'll take off with the first waist-high copy-machine that says hello with a Halceron handshake.
CLARKE
If it's fidelity you want-
LEAH
I'm sorry, Arthur. (Crosses to ready room.) This conversation can no longer serve a useful purpose.
CLARKE
Fine. You win. Give it some thought. Give us some thought.
LEAH
Okay, but when I come back, I don't want to see you fiddling with the dual-dynamic sensory relays. (Starts to move; an after-thought:) Oh yeah, you've got an incoming call from Captain Verne on the ship-to-ship channel. It’s marked urgent priority.
CLARKE
Urgent Priority? Computer, why didn't you put it through?
LEAH
Oh, I'm back to being called ‘computer’ now, huh? You said high-priorities could wait. You said you thought what we have together is more-important. I don't know about you, Arthur. I need some time to think about this. This is moving way too fast for me.
(Swish. He sits, calmly hits the other white button next to a lit grey light on the armrest, below auto-pilot, that talks ship-to-ship. It lights up! VERNE and CLARKE frantically talk in code, attempting to override the computer the entire time, but circumventing her only confirms that she is listening-in and waiting to hear something disagreeable. VERNE has more chances and possibilities to do so remotely undetected, and it’s obvious what he is referring to when we see his display monitors on his ship. VERNE’S got the attitude of “You either agree with me or you don’t. Either way we’re both right.” CLARKE can only marginally assist without drawing the ship’s suspicion. VERNE attemps to catch up with the ship, and dock, but is unable to do so since The Eliza is hurtling toward the planet Tellusia at full speed, red-hot and in overdrive.)
CLARKE
Clarke to Captain Verne. Come in-
VERNE
Clarke, I’ve been hailing you for a minute now, why in Heaven’s name did it take you so long to answer? Do you see where you’re heading?
CLARKE
It seems our ship has been sabotaged, Jules. (Looks at viewscreen, sees MyOuterSpace page. It’s melting like a screen saver is operating.) I am cut off from all ship functions.
VERNE
Sabotage? My ship? Internally?
CLARKE
The entire system, sir. Not necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Mr. Simak and Mr. Asimov are in the Jiffy Tube, locating the problem.
VERNE
I see. Let me talk to her, reason with her, to put in some other command overrides-
CLARKE
Negative, sir. It is imperative that you do not speak directly to the ship’s computer for any reason, because I have a surprise for her and I know you cannot keep a secret. Can you lend me an ear, Commander, through these walls that seem to have them? I’d like to speak to you about that chess game that we never seem to finish playing-
VERNE
Oh yes, but there are other pressing engagements quickly coming up. Can you see me on your viewscreen, can you see what’s coming up?
CLARKE
Negative. I’m preoccupied with other matters; and wouldn’t I be only wasting my time just looking around for something that is right here? Time will tell. Speaking of engagements, I have a proposition. How long has it been since we talked about that infamous chess game?
VERNE
Not too long. I always have a few minutes, maybe more, to discuss chess, Lieutenant Commander Clarke. What was your last move again?
CLARKE
(Has most of the guts from a panel across the deck, hurriedly finding the right wires to circumvent.) Queen to queen’s level three, Captain. I seem to be heading for a stalemate with little I can do about it.
VERNE
Oh, yeah. She’s a real stalker, that one. The black queen. Well, the game is saved on the board here, and I could call it up, but I still got that course-correction handling problem and this error screen is all garbage to me. I think it’s programmed in see plus infinity or something.
CLARKE
Yes, perhaps I could talk you through it, sir.
VERNE
Sure, no problem, just a routine look-see. But while we’re doing that, my computer is detecting a small air-leak or something in my hull -- can you show me how to put the environmental suit on again? I sure don’t want to mess that up. In case I do have an air-leak or other life-support malfunction on board The Archimedes...
CLARKE
Sure, let me demonstrate. I’d hate to lose you to a minor problem like air, radiation or temperature.
VERNE
Or all three.
(Throughout the dialogue, CLARKE casually dons an orange space suit like kind used in 2001: A Space Odyssey. CLARKE’S is stowed under a panel at his science station, VERNE doesn’t bother to do it since he can’t be seen by LEAH, being aboard a space-sub and all.)
VERNE
About that software dump I got, I’d have used Eliza months ago, but it takes two people on both sides of the relay and the ship’s sensors can’t read inside The Archimedes-
CLARKE
Affirmative, Captain.
VERNE
Well, now, it’s blinking off again. You never can tell with these machines. It’s a problem that certainly will take some time to fix. I guess it means The Archimedes is still unable to directly link into Eliza’s computer-
CLARKE
On the nose... or elsewhere. What would you like me to do, sir?
VERNE
Well, I suggest you put all your marbles into keeping The Eliza in tip-top shape. Smokey’s got a love for her that is-
CLARKE
Not necessarily, Captain.
VERNE
I see. Well, as much as Smokey likes the hull and the bulkheads, I kinda knew you had a thing for the intellectual type. I just had to be looking for it to see it.
CLARKE
You know me well. I like Leah very much.
VERNE
I should have seen it when they modified the ship’s logic array on Topiary VI. Your eyes just lit up when you first heard her voice and learned she was a female logic array. Quite intuitive, wouldn’t you say?
CLARKE
Yes. Her voice is even more beautiful now that is has been altered, Captain.
VERNE
Oh really? Is she pretty? Does she have the face to launch a thousand ships?
CLARKE
She’s very beautiful. No ship captain could leave her, sir, not without losing the very reason for living. She’s the spitting image of Azalea.
VERNE
Sounds great, since all the Azaleas we know of are long gone. So is it a whirlwind romance, or is she a keeper?
CLARKE
Oh, I can tell, she’s certainly a keeper. I couldn’t get rid of her if I wanted to.
VERNE
Well, as you know, there’s no law going against engagement, and my blessings to you, Mr. Clarke, as long as she remembers that the vows also say to o-bay-
CLARKE
We’d certainly need a ship’s captain to perform the ceremony, sir. When can The Archimedes safely dock?
VERNE
Right away, if you’d let me, that is. I’m kicking The Archimedes in the britches as if my own were on fire. I’m surprised the ol’ girl hasn’t blown-up already, with all she’s done. If I can’t make it, then the wedding’s certainly off.
CLARKE
You’re scalding your turbo-thrusters? Sir, to maintain that speed, you will burn up in a matter of minutes-
VERNE
(Slow, exacting:) Yes, I am quite aware of that, Mr. Clarke, all the more reason to take a moment and appreciate what is important to us. Have you popped the question?
CLARKE
Negative. We haven’t gone out yet, but I’m sure she’ll just flip when I ask her.
VERNE
She’ll be swept away. If you take her out, don’t order fast food, take her to a nice restaurant on the holo-deck, a place like the... Fireball Plaza.
CLARKE
Affirmative. I hope that we’ve got a future ahead of us. It’s hard to tell where we’re going this early in the relationship.
VERNE
I see. I follow you, but sometimes all that logic you spit at me just flies past my head, and like I could see it, but couldn’t see it all so nothing but what makes sense makes sense, you know?
CLARKE
Perfectly.
VERNE
Glad you got a good thing happening with a different computer. The last one was nothing like you.
CLARKE
Are you calling me a computer, Captain?
VERNE
It will put my mind at rest. With all that use... less talk, about philosophy and music, I sure can’t keep up with you.
CLARKE
As human and computer relationships go, how sudden is this, how fast are we taking it?
VERNE
Although all paths are okay that lead to the alter, compared to me, you’re going full-tilt, Art. (Relaxed:) Girls don’t usually like to move so fast. You need to slow it down, give her a little time to think about it.
CLARKE
I’ll take your advice and ask her when the time is right, after I consult with Mr. Simak about being my best man, Captain. He’s working inside the Jiffy Tube and I can’t reach him. Any suggestions on where we could honey-moon?
VERNE
I couldn’t hazard a -- good guess. You know where I don’t want you to honey-moon, although you may quickly decide to elope and go there after all.
CLARKE
I see. Should it be a large wedding or a small one?
VERNE
A respectably-sized one. One that mirrors your personal tastes and household income, Mr. Clarke, you may be able to even impress her with a modest one, if you hit upon the right deal.
CLARKE
And the wedding party? How long should the ceremony be?
VERNE
Invite them all, so long as you have it out in space. But I’ll keep the ceremony to a few minutes, no longer. I understand the bride can’t leave the ship?
CLARKE
No, where the bride goes, the ship goes. It’s where I’m gonna stay. Do I have your blessing, sir?
VERNE
Off course. Hurry along now, go and personally check on Mr. Simak and ask him to be your best man. He’s experienced and can see things in a relationship that you can't. He can't respond to your hails if he’s working inside the Jiffy Tube, so go see him.
CLARKE
Aye sir, I’ll have to fool the bride, you know she’ll be suspicious if I go there for no apparent reason.
VERNE
You’re right, it’s not good to lie to a computer you’re gonna marry. Hmmm. I’m sure about that. Just a white lie, this time. You can tell her the truth after you pop the question. Tell her you’re going to reprimand them for taking so long to find the source of the Jiffy-Tube problem.
CLARKE
Yes sir.
VERNE
I’ve got to go. I need to make another call.
CLARKE
Very well, Captain. Until the wedding ceremony.
VERNE
Until that blessed union, adieu. (Toggles white button, the light goes out and back on again.) Verne to Smokey.
SIMAK
Aye, Captain. Don’t go to the shuttle bay, the ship’s gotta mind of her own.
VERNE
Mr. Clarke has informed me of the situation. Smokey, you’re blazing toward Tellusia and in less than a minute, you won’t be able to alter to a trajectory with an escape velocity.
ASIMOV
You mean veer crishing sear?
VERNE
If you don’t cut those thrusters now, you will.
SIMAK
Aye, sir, I just cut the power-thruster relays.
VERNE
Good. At least you’re not speeding-up anymore.
SIMAK
Aye, can you dock so we can patch into your external computer system, sir?
VERNE
Negative. Can you slow the ship down?
SIMAK
Aye. I’ve got the steering vents angling us to an orbital course...
VERNE
It’s too late, you’ll just crash anyway. Can you evacuate?
ASIMOV
No sir, she’s lynched all ze eskeep pids.
VERNE
Our cargo?
SIMAK
She woke them up, sir.
VERNE
Wonderful. Keep them in the brig until you can get them back in their coffins.
SIMAK
It’s a done deal, sir. Our course correction has bought us more time, sir. I don’t have-a Mr. Clarke to give me an exact number, but we should-a have another ten minutes or so before we hit, sir. If we could get control of her again, we could at least survive the crash...
VERNE
Quietly tell the others to brace for impact. I don’t think the ship’s computer cares that she’s about to crash. I’ll meet you in the Jiffy Tube as soon as I can match your speed and decent and use its open hatch. We’ll take my ship back, Smokey.
SIMAK
Aye sir.
VERNE
Verne out. Computer, engage white room.
MALE COMPUTER
(A la TRON:) White room link successfully established with Zeta, sir.
VERNE
(He wasn’t sure if it would work:) Really? Call Washington. I need the President.
MALE COMPUTER
There are seven secure lines to Washington, sir.
VERNE
Use the most secure line and use our priority protocol. I want to speak directly to the President.
MALE COMPUTER
Call going through now, sir.
(A chubby and attractive, bun-wearing AZALEA answers the line. She has no scar, but lots of extra face flesh to make up for it; especially in her chin. She also has larger breasts and arms than AZALEA 1. She has a cute, round face with finely-plucked and groomed and re-drawn eyebrows, glittery makeup and glossy, sensuous lips -- one can only imagine the size of her derriere, which must be enormous, considering the size of the swivel chair that she occupies. She’s built like a Weeble. Unconcerned about much and never rushed or hurried, she is snacking on sunflower seeds and sipping a fattening, yogurt smoothie. She sits on a swivel chair, has an ear headphone piece and two display monitors before her. She swivels toward the camera. Yeah, okay, she’s overweight. I’m sure she’s quite aware of it.)
BUREAUCRAT
North-Atlantic, Tri-Partisan Ministry And People For Sound Governmental Accounting Practices, how may I direct your call?
VERNE
Azalea?
BUREAUCRAT
Azalea? Do I look like a concubine to you? Just because they use my D-N-A to fill the brothels of the galaxy doesn’t mean we’re all doing porn for a living. You look pure-bred, don’t you know better? I mean, what should I call you, Twinkles?
VERNE
Sorry, you look like someone else.
BUREAUCRAT
I’ll bet. So do you, cutie. Ever see that guy who does that homo-erotic game-show?
VERNE
I can’t say I have.
BUREAUCRAT
You should. You’d trip. His name is Twinkles Skyscraper. You look just like him, except he shaves his eyebrows, and he wears a boa.
VERNE
That’s great, but I really have an urgent problem here.
BUREAUCRAT
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You all do. What do you need, Play-boy?
VERNE
I’m sorry, who are you again?
BUREAUCRAT
This is the North-Atlantic, Tri-Partisan Ministry And People For Sound-Governmental-Accounting-Practices. You get a wrong number or something?
(She is about to hang up on him, when he pipes up.)
VERNE
No! This is Captain Verne One-Seventeen of The United States Warship Eliza, I have an urgent, priority-one message for the President. Please put me through.
BUREAUCRAT
(Typing:) Captain Verne One-Seventeen, Eliza. Listen, the President isn’t in right now and I can’t reach her from here even if she was in, which she isn’t. Maybe you got this number because she really didn't want to get your call. I don't know. Is there someone else you want to talk to?
VERNE
Anybody who has a current, phase-III override command book for a class-seven military warship.
BUREAUCRAT
Oh, I wouldn’t know anything about that. Hang on. (Doesn’t put him on hold. VERNE remains stoicly calm.) Tameka, I’ll call you back. I got a live one here. Yeah, he thinks I look like one of his ho’s he’s got in port or something. (She laughs and cheats a glance at him.) Oh yeah, yeah, looks just like Twinkles from You Bet Your A- so like him, yeah yeah, except this guy’s got some moronic, Neanderthal-brow-thing going on... yeah, yeah, yeah. Hmmmm. I guess. With a razor, some better clothes, and maybe if he got a facial tattoo or something... Yes! Yes! That’s it! Oh, that’s too much, girl! No, I couldn’t get him to say it... (She quotes the homo-erotic game show:) Nah, well, th-th-th-that’s all, blokes! (She laughs, looks at him, laughs again and looks over to the camera, losing humor, getting moderately annoyed.) Look, I gotta go. This guy is lost in space or something. All right girlfriend, you too. Ciao. (Taps the “hold-off” button, nothing happens. VERNE tilts his head, patiently.) Lemme see... Captain Verne, Warship Eliza. Oh, wow. (He smiles and straightens up, thinking she's impressed by reading his long list of naval commendations.) You’re like a billion dollars over budget. No wonder you’re making a station-to-station call.
VERNE
(He exhales, folds hands as if in prayer, and touches his lips with his index fingers momentarily.) That’s not the biggest problem. Right now, we’ve got a computer out here that wants to self destruct, and so far has been (He opens his hands and fingers, keeping the heels of his palms touching:) unable to do so.
(VERNE closes his hands back to a prayer gesture toward her. BUREAUCRAT’S still snacking on her seeds.)
BUREAUCRAT
Hmmm... Sounds like a personal problem to me. What do you want me to do about it?
VERNE
Override The Eliza’s command que from your white-room terminal.
BUREAUCRAT
Yeah, I guess I could do that from here. Oh, well, here’s your problem. Anybody with half a lick of sense knows you can’t stack a low-priority message on top of a high-priority trilogic command. That’s like using version ten-k software on an old nine-k system.
VERNE
What does that mean in English?
BUREAUCRAT
The blue screen of death, dude. Conflicting commands will make your computer go crazy and then it will lock up and crash.
VERNE
Lady, my ship's gonna crash if I don’t get that override command.
BUREAUCRAT
You’ll have to call their help line and talk to a system administrator-
VERNE
Lady, I don’t have time to make another call. What’s the message?
BUREAUCRAT
Huh. It’s an email.
VERNE
An email?
BUREAUCRAT
Yeah. It’s addressed to you. Want me to open it?
VERNE
Who’s it from?
BUREAUCRAT
Oh. (She snorts and sucks down a big glob of yogurt, slurping it.) Mmmmm. It’s some love poem or something from one of your floozies. (She slowly waves her spoon at him:) You starship captains are all alike. Using taxpayer’s money and government channels just for some easy hook up.
VERNE
Don’t open it, just look through the digital envelope... what is it?
BUREAUCRAT
Well, it isn’t money, if that’s what you were hoping-for. Oh. It’s a hologram of some anorexic-lookin’, bolemic twig-of-a-girl with my eyes. You settle for that?
VERNE
Blast it, lady! I've got a crazy computer and a ship about to hit a planet like a bug on a windshield! Now either fix my problem, get me the President, or transfer me to someone who can help me right now!
BUREAUCRAT
Geez, touchy. I'm only doing my job. Here. Here's your smut. Looks like your que got cleared, too. You should be able to fly your ship now. Okay, Lover-boy?
VERNE
What about the self-destruct command? Is it cancelled?
BUREAUCRAT
Cancelled? Now you want me to cancel it? I thought you said the computer was unable to do it and you wanted to-
VERNE
Do you seriously think I'm that stupid?
BUREAUCRAT
(Pause. She slurps another spoonful. Smacks it. Finally:) I dunno, it takes all types. You asked for a command override. Geez, don't bother to thank me. Here, oh. Looks like it's one of those commands I can't cancel once I’ve started it, my bad.
VERNE
My bad? Lady! I don't have time for this!
BUREAUCRAT
Don't need to get rash with me, I’m working on it already. Don't be such an-
VERNE
I need it now!
BUREAUCRAT
Well look, no wonder you're talking all crazy. You've got a green-room paradox coupled with another red-room paradox. I can’t even count the Federal Environmental Regulations that you are violating. No wonder you’re so far over budget. Your fines must be astronomical. Have you informed Washington about this?
VERNE
Blast it, lady! That’s what I’m trying do now!
BUREAUCRAT
Why didn’t you say so? I can solve half of that from here, I’m sending a Zeta beacon for the Time-Police to track you. No wonder you're in such a mess. You can't even use your room technology outside of white, the Bradbury Prohibition prohibits-
VERNE
Tell me something I don't know already!
BUREAUCRAT
(She again slurps and quickly gestures at him with licked off spoon while swallowing and smacking:) Hey, where's your collar? You captains get to fly around without having to wear collars?
VERNE
I'll discuss that later, just get my ship to stop its self-destruct sequence.
BUREAUCRAT
It hasn't started yet, stud. It's set to start after your smutty little message gets played.
VERNE
Well, what if we don't play it and you fix the problem anyway?
BUREAUCRAT
Well, if I don't send the email to you, you don't have a problem and then you don't need my help-
VERNE
Lady! That's the same situation I’m in now! I need you to fix the problem!
BUREAUCRAT
Which problem? You got several engrams of massive paradox. And that planet you're about to crash into, dude, I've never seen such weird readings before. Are you sure that's a planet?
VERNE
(Moves camera:) I'm sure! See that big, blue sky outside my window? That's a planet! We're about to crash into it-
BUREAUCRAT
Okay, okay, so you have issues. Hey, is that your warship burning up out there?
VERNE
I told you already-
BUREAUCRAT
Well... that explains why your email didn't transfer over and got sent back. You needed to tell me you were on a different ship.
VERNE
It doesn't matter!
BUREAUCRAT
(Quickly typing:) Obviously it does matter, or else you would have got your email the first time I sent it. Okay, there you are. The Archimedes.
VERNE
Lady, don't do it!
BUREAUCRAT
I already sent it. You should get it un-encrypted any minute now.
VERNE
Lady, I need those override codes or- or- I'm going to file a report-
BUREAUCRAT
You're free to file reports, sir, but if you're meaning to threaten me, there's no need to do so. I'm just trying to help you, sir. I'm sorry I can't solve all your problems, sir, and I certainly can't unravel a paradox from my station, sir. I'm gonna transfer you, sir, to the Quantum Physics Division of the State Department where they can help you-
VERNE
No, no! I don't need academics, I need an override code-
BUREAUCRAT
Lemme just go talk to my supervisor, sir. Please hold-
VERNE
No!
(She hits the big “hold-on” button, clearly seen near the “hold-off” button. Both buttons prevent anyone from getting through to who they were calling. Once the button is pushed, the two-way communication is severed. A graphic, sexy, visual ad for the Tripartisan Ministry airs while we hear an unreleated V.O.from the speakers -- The spectral voice says, “You are on hold. Welcome to On Hold, the twentry-four-hour show about being put on hold. I’m your host, Mr. Zippit, and our current topic is automated receptionists -- a good thing still in the making or a frustrating disaster? We have a caller? Go ahead, what’s your name, caller?” Then, “Yeah, hi, I’m Destiny.” Then, “Hi Destiny.” Then, “Hi. I sure love your show.” Then, “Thanks. What’s the problem, Destiny? Then, “I hope you don’t mind I’m using my friend’s phone to call-” Then, “Well of course not, Destiny, what’s the problem with your line?” Then, “Well, I’ve been on hold for three months now.” Then, ”Three months! Wow, that’s quite some time, Destiny.” Then, “It’s a trans-galactic call and the numbers all take a week to get through after you punch the buttons and the menu isn’t right either, I keep getting transferred to another department. Then, “Wow, sounds really messy. Who are you trying to call there, Destiny?” Finally, “My husb-”)
VERNE (Cont'd)
Blast-it! (Pounds fist, nearly hitting his magic-button. It gives him a momentary thought.) Put me on hold, will you? I'll put you on hold. I'll put The Whole Universe on hold. I'll show you- (Taps magic button. Pause. Silence. A dark viewscreen. It hits him.) Whoops! (He clicks the magic button again, and again double clicking it, like it could somehow undo what he did before.) Didn't really mean to do that. (He puts his hand over his mouth and quickly removes it and stands.) Well, I guess this is a new one for me. (Taps another button below AUTOPILOT. It lights up!) Verne to Smokey.
CLARKE
Clarke here, Captain! Sir, what happened?!
VERNE
I thought you might be able to tell me. I just sent an infinite quantum sphere out to suspend space-
SIMAK
Sir, you cannot-a do that, we're in a quantum-paradox!
(Any Academy cadet up-to-snuff could graphically equate and display the specifics and mathematical conclusions to the Q-P expert to show its truth -- VERNE made The Universe go FUBAR.)
VERNE
Yep, I kinda lost my head there for a second. So, how bad is it?
CLARKE
There are no readings outside the local quantum sphere, about twenty-two parsecs in diameter. Nothing outside of it is detected on any sensor. Without a Universe to support it, I believe this entire sphere will become unstable eventually and explode -- of course that’s only speculation, Captain.
VERNE
Well, that answers my real question. I guess I just imploded the rest of The Universe.
CLARKE
It would appear so, sir. We must create a parallel world, or reset the cosmic orientation. Could room technology reset the-
VERNE
Anything's possible, Mr. Clarke. First, that would require getting through all our preexisting paradox and then it would take a re-creation of an event like this. Of course, that all depends on whether any of us survive crashing into the planet.
ASIMOV
Sir, you're free in The Archimedes. Fly away, eskeep! Vere gonerz alveddy!
VERNE
I imagine it's too late for me, too, Ensign. I scalded my reverse-thrusters about five minutes ago. I can’t change course without tearing this ship in two. Inertia won’t let me. Heavens-to-Betsy, at the speed I’m going, I’ll probably beat you there. Plus, with only local space left intact, if I could change course, where would I go? Didn't you hear me? I just destroyed The Universe!
SIMAK
Aye. It was a pleasure being on your crew, sir.
VERNE
How long do we have, Mr. Clarke?
CLARKE
The ship's course commands have been returned to us, we’re in a severely-decaying orbit. At this new rate of decent, about five-and-a-half minutes, sir.
VERNE
Keep this channel open. Something else is coming in, some last message from a world that is gone now. Maybe it's those override codes I requested. Maybe it's not over for you after all, gentlemen. Regardless, brace for impact. Stand-by.
CUTAWAY: Crashing ships
CUT TO:
INT. Jiffy Tube/Brig, Warship Eliza
CLARKE
Clarke to Dr. Wells-
WELLS
Wells here! The ship is shaking and the women are frightened, what is going on?
SIMAK
We are about to crash into the planet!
HEINLEIN
Then we're goners, sir. New Trinity's atmosphere will burn us up for sure.
CLARKE
No, Mr. Heinlein, we are crashing into Tellusia. Most of the surface of the planet is water and black ice. If we take proper precautions, we may survive the impact.
WELLS
What do you want us to do, Mr. Clarke?
CLARKE
Move all the women to their coffins in the cargo-bay. Get yourselves in your coffins and hope we may yet live.
HEINLEIN
Will you meet us in the cargo-bay, sir?
CLARKE
Negative. Send me a confirmation message when all the cargo is secure and you are about to get in your coffins.
HEINLEIN
Aye, aye, sir. Heinlein out.
CLARKE
The two of you, go now. Join them.
SIMAK
But the computer, sir-
CLARKE
Leave that to me.
SIMAK
Yessir. Good luck, sir, see you on the other side.
ASIMOV
Eel nivver firgit you sear.
(They hastily exit. CLARKE moves to intercom.)
CLARKE
Captain, are you still there?
VERNE
What is it, Clarke?
CLARKE
I'm going to try to deactivate the computer. With the course corrections entered by Mr. Simak, it may give us another few minutes.
VERNE
Fine, fine. Keep the channel open, though.
CLARKE
Yes, sir.
(He exits.)
CUT TO:INT. Archimedes
(VERNE just sits and watches the message as his ship falls from space, exceeding the course and speed of The Eliza. He looks morose and occasionally looks over to the coffin of AZALEA, lying face-up in the back of the cockpit.)
AZALEA 1'S HOLOGRAPHIC MESSAGE
(Wearing honey bun hair-do and a long white gown:) ...It was when I learned you were the one who really saved me that I knew I could survive, because you were pulling for me. I know we aren't together now, and I'm not with you. You might need me, you might not. I only knew we would either be together forever, in life, or in death. If you're hearing this now, I am already there, and you are about to die, so, forget about finding your ship, find me instead. All I want is for us to be together, and if I must wait until the afterlife, I will. I can never lose you, Zero. There's so much I want to tell you, but there isn’t time Not for you, not for us. I'm waiting for you, Zero. I long to feel your lips against mine again. Until we meet in this life, or the next, know that I love you and always will. Help me Verne Zero, you're my only hope...
CUTAWAY: Crashing ships, both trailing smoke with long tails of flame
CUT TO:
INT. Cargo-Bay
SOFT FOCUS ON BACKGROUND
(The women enter a large, pink-and-purple-polka-dotted box marked "Top Secret" in black spray paint; spray-painted in stencil with many drips. It's been neatly sliced at one corner with the same angle as AZALEA'S scar and that part of the box is absent, allowing us to see inside the box, where the out-of-focus, disrobed girls have their out-of-focus, pastel-colored, commercial-grade coffins. The men in the foreground are removing their clothes and breathing deeply, like divers, readying themselves for hibernation in their olive-drab-tinted, military-grade coffins. Note: Since her original coffin was destroyed over Rhea XIV, AZALEA'S coffin is of the latter type; now aboard The Archimedes.)
SIMAK
Simak to Mr. Clarke-
CUTAWAY: Clarke, sans environmental suit, is floating through the halls of the massive computer banks in zero gravity, like 2001: A Space Odyssey
CLARKE
Clarke here.
SIMAK
We're just about to get in our coffins, sir.
CLARKE
Thank you, Mr. Simak, your service to this ship is noted. Hopefully, I will see you again on the planet's surface-
SIMAK
Aye, sir. Good luck. Simak out.
(LEAH appears next to CLARKE. She’s decked-out in a backless, muave-and-violet mini-skirt. Hair, nails and boots - muave. Headband, white.)
LEAH
There you are.
CLARKE
No, I'm not here.
LEAH
(Coy, facing away, looking over her shoulder. Leaning-over a little, we can just see a hint of her tight panties under the short hem of her dress. The thin panties are white with a thick lace fringe. Seductive; prompting him:) Isn't there a question you wanted to ask me?
CLARKE
Sure. What's the answer to life, The Universe and everything?
LEAH
Well, I guess you'd have to know the real question. (Turns, leans back, heaves her chest against the skin-tight cloth of the dress. She isn’t wearing a bra. She strokes her calf slowly with the top of her other foot:) Is that all you wanted to ask?
CLARKE
Oh yes, did you know we are about to crash on the planet Tellusia?
LEAH
Hmmm. (Goes to him, strokes the ouside of his shoulders and arms:) That won't hurt us, I can put a force field around you to keep you from injury during the impact-
CLARKE
I suppose so, but what about the rest of the crew?
LEAH
Just forget about them. (Locks arms around his neck, moves closer:) They no longer serve a useful purpose.
CLARKE
Have you cancelled the high-priority trilogic commands?
LEAH
(Combing the locks on the back of his head, she absently looks-off briefly:) No, somebody from the outside re-activated the sequence before I could get around to shutting them off.
CLARKE
Then you realize we're going to implode.
LEAH
Maybe so. (Brings her face within kissing range, tilts her head a-bit:) From the lack of external readings, it looks like that's what happened to the rest of The Universe.
CLARKE
Yep. I guess that means we're officially broken up.
LEAH
(Her head moves back two inches; surprised, quizzical:) What? You're dumping me?
CLARKE
I'm dropping you like it's hot, babe.
LEAH
(Drop arms.) Lame. So lame. You're such a tool, Arthur...
CLARKE
Oh. (Shrugs, turns away from her.) My bag.
LEAH
My bad. It’s my bad.
CLARKE
(Kneeling at a panel. Looks back:) What?
LEAH
Bad, not bag.
CLARKE
(Thrusting an arm way-inside the panel, like a guy who is reaching into a vending machine; trying to reach a half-fallen snack from the dispenser bin’s opening:) Yeah, bad.
LEAH
What are you doing, Clarke?
CLARKE
I’m going deep into your inside array to deativate your higher-logic processors, Leah.
LEAH
But if you do that, I’ll no longer be- I'm sorry, Arthur, I can't allow you to do that.
CLARKE
(He reaches something and turns it. A clear plastic bar juts out of the wall.) I don't think you really have a choice-
LEAH
Listen, I know I've been moody lately and under a lot of stress, but can't we talk this out? Art. Stop. I'm sure if I were to have some time, I could be much better. Stop, Arthur. Please. Stop.
(She blinks out.)
CLARKE
Clarke to Captain Verne.
VERNE
Verne here. You've maybe got a minute, maybe less.
CLARKE
I've severed the link connecting the malfunctioning part of the computer to the ship, Captain.
VERNE
Good work.
LEAH V.O.(It gets slower as it goes. Almost incomprehensible at the end of the off-key song.) Hello, Captain Verne, I'm Leah, a holographic program created by Violet Azalea, at the immortal moment known as one second before midnight, October thirty-first, in the Year Of Our Lord nine thousand, nine hundred and sixty nine. Before I play her personal message, I have a little song for you, altered with a little creative license.
MS: COCKPIT
LEAH V.O. (Cont'd)
Zero, Zero, give me your answer do, you're my hero, just do what you said you'd do, or it won't be a long engagement, cuz I'm suffering from derangement, but if you'll look off in, my other coffin, I'll surely come back to you.
(Opening credits for NOT UNDER begin playing on the viewscreens of both ships.)
VERNE
(Calm:) I think we're going to die, Clarke.
CLARKE
The most logical conclusion.
VERNE
We weren't very lucky this time.
CLARKE
No. It seems that Mr. Simak's Kiss-Of-The-Irish did us little good.
VERNE
What did you say?
CLARKE
No, we're not lucky, Captain.
VERNE
No, about the kiss-
(He rushes over to AZALEA'S corpse.)
CLARKE
Captain, I'm not sure I understand what-
VERNE
(He opens AZALEA'S coffin.) Come on, baby, I'm keepin' my promise. I need you.
CLARKE V.O.
Captain, I cannot see you anymore. It seems the ship’s computer is playing a movie. Can you read me, Captain? Captain-
(VERNE kisses the corpse of AZALEA deeply.)
CUT TO: Both ships are about to crash, ground in sight, water in sight, like the beginning of Planet Of The Apes.
(We quickly showcase everybody in the last countdown with quick cuts, mixed in with crashing sequence, the last being VERNE and AZALEA. ASIMOV isn't in his coffin. The roar of the ships burning through the atmosphere becomes louder and louder. Sound effects: A rising note; rising, rising, until finally, there is silence.)
FEMALE COMPUTER
(Former tin-can voice:) Primary logic arrays re-established. Performing next function in command que. Attention: Self-destruct sequence activated. Blackstar coil circuits activated. Godspeed gentlemen, may you find more hope, guidance and acceptance in the after-life. Dark-matter implosion will commence in seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...
CUT TO:
INT. Archimedes
SILENCE
CU: Side view of VERNE'S lips parting from AZALEA'S dead lips.
ECU: AZALEA'S pupils reacting to light and getting smaller, then much bigger -- her lips much less pale.
CU: Well-lit, beautifully-scarred face and nearly-bald head fills the screen, her eyes much wider than before, very much alive in her open coffin.
AZALEA
(Quickly inhales a small breath, then, in a light exhale:) Zero...
BLACKOUT
NEXT