Scene 5.20 - Chow
EST: INT. Mess Hall -Morning.
(CHOW, standing at attention before MARY, holds a stick aloft. Upon the stick is stacked the ingredients of a spiced sheep-kabob, un-cooked. Coffee in hand, she visually inspects it. She swigs her coffee, sets it down, and picks up an empty plate. The bathhouse men enter behind her as the mess hall crew in the background wipe down tables and mop floors, having just fed three hundred women breakfast.)
MARY
No! No! No! (Turns stick and dumps ingredients onto plate.) This isn't right at all! You got it all wrong. (CHOW continues to hold the stick while MARY stacks the ingredients in the proper order.) It’s all in how you stack it -- It's fig, black olive, date, then sheep, then chili pepper, then lime, then mushroom, then pineapple, then sheep, then onion, then sun-dried tomato, then the other mushroom, then lemon, then sheep, then green olive! (The men stop approaching and listen to her.) Now get it right, or start looking for a foxhole to hide in! If the Empress and our guests are displeased in the slightest this evening because of this, I swear that what I did to the dragon Scythorax (Sith’-or-ax) will be tribute compared to what I'll do to you. (Pushes plate into her hand.) Is that understood?
CHOW
(Gulps.) Yes, Mam.
MARY
Dismissed!
(CHOW drops her arms, does an about-face and quickly marches back into the kitchen. The kitchen doors continue swinging back and forth until the end of DIM'S initial dialogue. DIM'S lines are delivered ironically as the doors are swinging open, so she is easily heard, while it is quite the contrary for MARY. One of the men clears his throat. MARY does a relaxed about-face and is obviously surprised and a little embarrassed.)
MARY (Cont'd)
My! Don't you all look so handsome! Here, sit at my table, you've missed the morning rush, but there's still plenty of food, and they're serving breakfast -- (To DIM, off:) as long as I say they are! (Turns toward the kitchen:) Dim! Five shitake-salmon steaks with three dozen quail eggs, over-easy! And I want two rice cakes per plate! These aren't prisoners of war! For dessert, they want the poppyseed-blueberry shortcake glazed with honey, topped with chipped almonds! And a bowl of the Macadamia Mix! Got it?
DIM
(Off:) Yes, Mam! Right away! What to drink, Mam?
MARY
Two pitchers of milk and honey and four gallons of freshly-squeezed fruit juice! (Pause, puts out cigarette.) Dim?
DIM
What kinds of fruit in the juice, Mam?
MARY
(To the men, one foot propped up on bench, leans in:) See what I'm dealing with, here? Do you men see why my day is filled with pointless trivia? Questions that one would think any sane person could answer, but no! They may call me a micro-manager -- nevertheless -- I'm the one held responsible if things go South. I'm the one who has to be on top of every detail of every part of every plan; or nothing would ever get done around here. (Sips coffee, to kitchen:) Give them the house blend! Mango, mint leaves, orange leaves, oranges, pineapple, banana, pomegranate, strawberry, blueberry, lime, lemon and spring water steeped in ginger! Easy on the mangos and blueberries! Got it?
DIM
Got it!
MARY
(Turns back to men. Takes sunglasses off, but holds them and uses them for gesturing.) I'm not saying I'm alone in all this. The Empress never has a free moment, and we all got jobs to do. It's just, sometimes my job can be so... unappreciated. I mean, people just don't think about being invaded everyday. In fact, freedom and national defense is hardly on anyone's mind -- except when they expect you to fight for it.
(SHE sips HER coffee, licks lips and taps chest, the men's eyes are glued to the latter. As SHE sips HER coffee, two acolytes bustle in with a small cart and serve the men their coffee and leave behind filled water glasses and fruit-juice cups, along with a snack-bowl of mixed nuts. One acolyte tops-off MARY’S coffee. MARY repeatedly dips into the snack-bowl between sips. The men watch, transfixed as SHE leans forward now and then and gravity pulls her open, V-neck jerkin away from HER chest almost enough for the men to eye a full glimpse of HER-)
MARY (Cont'd)
See, in our kingdom, we got two kinds of days. On a good day, like today, no one is seen climbing the mountain and no warning signs are sent and we all take it pretty easy around here. On a good day, I take care of things that no one else wants to do around here. Hah! And people think I don't do anything. They think I got it easy. They say that perhaps, since we've had a whole hundred good days in a row that maybe ol' Mary Jane should step down as High Priestess and Commanding General of Kron's Imperial Legion -- I ask you, where are they gonna find another virgin that can do all the traditional divinations in the temple, and find time to train soldiers to master the seventy-seven deadly forms of tactical-combat in the dojo?
(MARY sees DUC was about to say... well, something -- points to him with coffee cup, also points with finger on other hand, touches her nose and points back to him.)
MARY (Cont'd)
Right! (Shakes pointing finger casually.) Nowhere! (Points down.) That's where! So you see why I get a little upset at the notion that (Points to self.) I give up my true calling for (Points away.) someone else's idea of a less-stressful occupation, like being a shoemaker, or... (Pause. CHOW enters with a perfectly-cooked sheep-kabob.) or a cook. (Drops her hand, rests it on her sword’s hilt. Teeth clenched throughout:) Not now! Get that out of here! (Gestures with cup.) Go help Dim get breakfast! Do you see their hungry faces? (Un-clenches her teeth. Takes a controlled breath. Puts cup down. Clear:) Does it look like I'm imagining all this? (CHOW exits, quickly.) Sorry. Where was I?
DUC
(Transfixed.) Since you've had a hundred good days...
MARY
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I forgot. You can smoke in here.
FX: Slow motion
(From seemingly nowhere, SHE produces another long cigarette, much to the liking of the men. SHE steps up on the bench with the propped leg extending downward, and pauses as HER cigarette just brushes against the nearest chandelier-candle above. SHE lights the cigarette. SHE exhales as she drops to the floor and sits, straddling the bench while all the men continue sitting, facing HER. SHE swings HER leg and frees HER scabbard across the bench and sits, facing them. In one movement, SHE offers the cigarette to the man farthest to HER left and picks up HER cup on the return. SHE'S that smooth.)
LOSE FX
MARY
So you get a hundred good days, right? Then they start calling you a bureaucratic figurehead. But consider this: who do you think they look to when there's a bad day?
DUC
(Choking on the potency of the joint, passes it.) You?
MARY
(Points with index finger on hand holding coffee cup.) Eggs-zact-lee. On that one-hundred-and-first day, I'm the only name on their lips! (Leans in.) I'm not telling you this because I'm shallow, I'm saying this because tonight, they're gonna throw a party so big that I wouldn't be surprised if the Goddess herself would show up just to see what was going on. I'm sure it would be in your best interest to attend if the Empress invites you. (Pause.) Then again, sometimes, when (Illustrates quotes with bobbing fingers, leans in, lowers shades so you can see her eyes, looks around furtively, sotto:) "We're having a bad day," it might not be too wise to stick around. Sometimes, it's best to just get as far away from a bad situation as you can and run as far as you can get before it all catches up with you like death- (Louder, seeing others on the scene, address them like they were supposed to know what she was talking about-) In Spades!
(MARY finishes off the last of her now lukewarm coffee as CHOW hurriedly serves four of the plates. CHOW takes the other two from DIM, who is also holding two pitchers. One of coffee, and one of milk. DIM is no fool, however, and as soon as CHOW has lifted the two plates balancing on HER forearms, SHE rushes like the wind to refill the coffee cup of her commanding general.)
FX: Slow motion
ECU: Coffee mug hitting table
SOUND: Boom of mug hitting table.
LOSE FX
(Yes, the chick has got issues... She slams the coffee mug down, and instantly, it is being refilled by DIM.)
MARY
Well, enough about me and my problems. (Limply waving a slightly raised hand, gesturing out to the kitchen, distractedly quoting to the departing servants so they know they are finished for now.) The Goddess speaks through us all... (Abrupt:) Was the bathhouse to your liking?
DING
It was thoroughly relaxing.
MARY
Magnificent. Go on, eat! Don't let my idle conversation slow you down. The Empress will have audience with us soon, and we wouldn't want to keep her waiting.
(They eat voraciously.)
LONG
You've been very hospitable to us, Mary, and well-
HUNG
What he's saying is that we want to help you, but-
CHIN
You know we don't have any guns, Mary.
MARY
Guns?
CHIN
You know, bang, bang!
DING
Like the thing you used up on the mountain?
MARY
Oh, gun, like the gattle-eengun!
LONG
Yeah, like that. Thing is, we like it here. We don't want to leave you, but we're no good to you unarmed-
DUC
We're gonna have to go away for a while to go get another Gat'lin' gun. We just can't make those out of thin air.
MARY
Oh! Don't worry, the Goddess provides. We won't need it. I got faith it will all work out somehow. Besides, you cannot leave now.
HUNG
What do you mean?
MARY
Go on, eat. You all stopped and looked at me most strangely. (Gets their misunderstanding.) You're not prisoners here. We don't want you to leave, certainly, but if you want to leave, please do so at a time when you won't be easily captured. It's hot out there. The terror-threat-level is orange and moving to red tomorrow. Give it a few days, maybe a week. The DEA are particularly froggy, we know the signs of an imminent attack. (Looks down into cup distractedly, swishing HER black coffee.) Plus, my sentries reported that y'all built a fire atop the mountain last night.
HUNG
I did. Is there a problem, Mary?
MARY
Well, if you do want to go back home, I'd take another route. Chances are we'll see a few hundred DEA soldiers pouring out of that pass in the next day or two. I wouldn't be surprised if we see a squad up there, scouting us out from the temple sometime before nightfall.
DUC
We're sorry, Mary, we doubted before, we won't doubt again.
DING
It was my idea to start a fire. I wasn't thinking. Do you really think they'll attack?
MARY
Oh, absolutely! In droves. But we should be able to hold out for another year or so. At least until next winter, when it may snow enough to cause a landslide or enough to change their route. They've tried this before, you know, and we eventually beat them back to their hole, clueless and wondering how they dared to think that they could even approach us with their sticks and matches. You know, the key to winning a war is to never underestimate your enemy and to embrace his perspective as your own. I’ve tried to see it from their angle. I’m quite sure it’s pretty hard to beat an army of women that cannot die, so I’ll give them credit for even going there: They put up a good fight, I’ll grant that. But I’ve slain countless upon countless companies of their men and none of them are even worthy of conversation. But that was all ages ago, and killing us is no longer their goal. (Pause, introspective, heavy and uncomfortable, yet short as a brow crinkle while biting lip and looking down. She is gorgeous, perfectly beautiful, even when unperfectly perplexed. Looking at her for any amount of reasonable time makes you want to kiss her, much like a religious artifact or a cute puppy. Suddenly, abrupt:) If you want to flee, I do not blame you. In this situation, I believe it is your wisest course of action and I would do so myself were it not for my loyalty and duties to the Empress; who is completely sold on the idea that life is going to continue to be just one, long party and that no one needs to really worry about what is on the other side of that hill. But I know differently than her. I’ve gone there, I know what lies beneath and beyond. (Pause.) If you wish to escape today, if you doubt yourselves without your gattle-eengun to help you, I will send you with a guide from our library who will take you through a remote pass where you will avoid all danger and may flee unharmed. You'll be back home and you can forget all about us and be back to playing the fourth quarter of your foo-tee-ball game by tomorrow.
(She claps her hands twice.)
LONG
We told you Mary, we want to help. Gatling gun or not, we'll stay and fight, to the death, if we need to. The game can wait, right guys?
(They all slowly agree. CHOW arrives, MARY dismisses her with a wave of her hand. She is beaming. She stands. She again reverses her opinion of the oddly-shorn men with clean faces and for once, does not dwell on thinking of all manhood with total and bitter disgust. Rather:)
MARY
My heart cannot contain my joy. Come, I will take you to my armory. If you are to become soldiers in my army, you must be properly equipped. Also, if you are to have audience with the Empress, we must polish you up. Do you not wish to look your best?
(All are in better spirits and agree. They exit, some grabbing some food on the way, putting cups down near the exit, etc.)
DISSOLVE TO: