Scene 1.18 - And That’s The Way It Is
EST: INT. Newsroom - Evening.
FADE IN
KEY: Shot of Big Ben across London cityscape on mural. A news desk.
(A recording of JOHN GREENE is playing on the studio monitor.)
JOHN GREENE
...And the recent destruction of the factory near Han-Qi-Taon has caused Narvis-Segille to back-out of a plan to expand it's operations there. With global union negotiations making little headway, the strike carries on through the United States’ Labor Day holiday, marking the third week of negotiations between the pharmaceutical giant and organized, American laborers. In an unrelated story, Narvis-Segille concludes negotiations today concerning a settlement of a class-action suit against the company for gross negligence, for distributing the now infamous Lot 69 of Femiphren D. American authorities issued a recall for the tainted lot of menstrual-relief medicine after five-hundred, thirty-nine reported cases of women spanning the globe experienced severe, unforseen side-effects previously unassociated with the drug. The tainted lot never reached the shores of Great Britain, and no British subject has reported any untoward side effects from the pharmeceutical.
(A canned, yet unplanned insert, delivered perfectly by the master of improvisation, The Roller...)
STEPHEN ATKINS
Yes, John, I’ve also been informed that as a precaution, The Ministry Of Health and The World Health Organization, in cooperation with Narvis-Segille, have issued a full recall for all bottles of Femiphren-D, specifically-seeking any pills manufactured between June and August of this year. (Aside) Sorry mates, we gotta put up with the you-know-what a little bit more this month. (Laughter, the show is winding down.) The lot is stamped P-H-L-L-O-P-H-N #69, -- aw, gosh! Now why can’t them Yanks just put a zed in there and call it a day? (Laughter.) -- although British authorities warn that any bottle of Femiphren-D should be considered tainted and ask anyone with a bottle of Femiphren-D to deliver it to a policeman -- oh, we know what they’ll do with it! (Laughter.) -- or to bring it here to the television station -- (Laughter. He reacts, giving a Benny Hill look to the camera. He gets serious and friendly...) but what’s important, people is that doctors and officials both warn our women not to ingest the pill under any circumstances. So seriously, ladies, please don’t, or... (looks left and right while smiling) The... (to camera) Roller’s gonna come... rolling on ya!
STUDIO AUDIENCE
(With STEPHEN ATKINS:) Rolling on ya!
CUT TO: Studio
(His happy talk and informal, personable approach is the most favored aspect of the news show and is why people write to the station every week -- to either praise him or love him or loathe him. Mostly the most former. He’s Morton Downey meets the B-B-C. All we know is that he’s got mucho macho personality, and knows perfect timing in his ad-libs. Everyone likes his sincere laugh and the large, studio audience of Londoners applaud and give him a standing ovation at the conclusion of his every broadcast. They prematurely do so now as he gets up and strolls away from his desk. Applause. He gets up and switches microphones with assistance.)
STEPHEN ATKINS (Cont’d)
Now you ladies and gents ‘ave a good night now, and before I say goodnight to ol’ Ben- ([Big Ben, pictured in the studio window] Aside, chuckling, informal toward two proper and attractive elderly ladies in the studio front row, smiling from ear to ear, both equally charmed by British television news’ equivalent of having Elvis in the building.) Oh, speaking of those pills, it looks like you two have had enough! (The pretty and proper old ladies laugh and cover their mouths modestly.) That’s right, you ol’ biddies, no blue-beauties or pink-ladies with the tea and crumpets now. Eh, ‘ow’d get those seats there? I’m pawning them backstage with a mate of mine for ten quid a head! (Laughter. Of course, we don’t get it. What’s a crumpet? What's a quid?) What, is this a special section for the hopelessly ancient? (Less laughter.) Between the two of you, I bet you ladies can remember building Stonehenge, eh? (More laughter. Kisses their hands.) All in fun ladies, all in fun -- come back to my dressing room and meet my friend, Fun -- oh yeah, we’ll show you that we like you silver foxes plenty. (Different laughter. He kisses up one lady's arm. He’s no spring chicken either. Laughter, pause.) Oy! I say, what’s that that’s got my floor director all gone with the gizzard? He’s beside himself, waving his arms!
CUTAWAY: Floor Director
STEPHEN ATKINS (Cont’d)
(Cool about it:) Whoops! Fancy that. The show’s not over yet. (Laughter.) Seems ol’ John wasn’t done talking about ‘is pills now... (More laughter. He winces:) Sorry, John, ol’ bloke, are you still talking over there?
CUTAWAY: A still frame of JOHN GREENE on the monitor frozen mid-sentence-
(Laughter.)
CUT TO: Ext. Grip and grins, B-roll, factory shots from the previous story on Han-Qi-Taon edited differently, a few shots not seen before interspersed. It, being pre-recorded, gets a few additional laughs.
JOHN GREENE (Cont’d)
In what I-B-S-legal-correspondant Casey Hardcourt described as a double-whammy, Narvis-Segille settled an American class-action suit filed by the Ladies Of The Madonna, consisting of nine women who claimed they had ingested the tainted drug within minutes of one another at the same location. The plaintiffs assert that the drug, now under investigation by the United States Food and Drug Administration, caused behavioral modification and violence in the women, who were together for a birthday celebration; one that resulted in a row that caused minor injuries. The five-hundred-million-dollar suit was settled for a record twenty-five million dollars, the highest settlement from an American pharmaceutical company to-date. Lawyers for Narvis-Segille have refused to comment.
CUTAWAY: Audio and video of young lawyers descending steps in front of old lawyers and even older men behind them. The girls, descending the stairs, are shrouded by reporters.
NAT SOUND
STEPHEN ATKINS V.O.
Oy, there’s a surprise, eh?
(More studio laughter.)
JOHN GREENE V.O.
(Pause:) Lawyers for the Ladies Of The Madonna say they are happy with the settlement and that the young women simply would like to return to a life of normalcy and devote their energies toward philanthropy. (Pause.) For I-B-S, I’m John Greene.
STEPHEN ATKINS
(Long smiling pause. Laughter at his expression. Light, almost chuckling, to camera:) I’m sure glad I gave up a night with Minerva and Hera for that. (One guy in the studio thinks he gets it, a few other laugh because they’ve learned his timing and considers his pauses to be cues for laughter, so it gets a few laughs but it whizzes by the heads of the rest of the crowd, to include the plants in the audience. Then, a lady gets a previous joke. He does a crazy reaction to the laughing woman’s strange cackle and gets an outburst of laughter from others that gets the ball rolling again. At ease:) For a million pounds, I’d start a row at me own birthday party. (Light laughs.) Where’s the pill for that, eh? (Chuckles and smiles that sound.) Rollin’ for I-B-S news, I'm Stephen Atkins, your buddy, The Roller -- be sure to catch the morning-edition with my good friend Robert Handel at eight A-M Greenwich tomorrow. God save the queen, and good-night. (Looks at Big Ben:) Good-night Ben, cheery-o!
ZOOM OUT
MS: Studio: STEPHEN ATKINS walking among the studio audience.
QUICK NEWS CREDITS
DISSOLVE TO: I-B-S logo with news bump.
FTB
RUN END CREDITS VOLUME ONE, CHAPTER ONE