Scene 4.17 - The Tallywacker
INT. Palladium/Secret Lab - Night.
POV: USC looking toward the house
(We obviously missed the good stuff, because all the women are in their final place. Unfortunately, a palm tree, a beach ball, paper-mache set pieces and other crap just happen to obscure every bare butt onstage. The bare-shouldered women are facing away from the camera and all lift their arms and a leg up high for the finale. Fireworks explode as American patriotic music plays as Old Glory is projected onto the scrim. Don’t ask what’s holding all the sparklers.)
ZOOM OUT --THROUGH SCRIM
ALL WOMEN ONSTAGE
And that's why we all live free!
(After the long, sustained "free" we cut away briefly over the next few lines, then the grand drape closes for a few beats; then curtain call. The women don robes during the cutaway from the booth; we see them tying their belts, ready to take a final bow.)
CUTAWAY
HEINLEIN
Now that was the finest, black, colored, Negro body I've ever seen in my whole life!
WELLS
I'll say! As a doctor, I see naked butts all day, but nothing will ever top that!
ASIMOV
Zey are ze most beautiful women in ze verled!
SIMAK
Aye, all them lassies looked divine in their birthday suits now!
CLARKE
I know what I want for my birthday!
SLAAG
It makes all my missions to the Phantom World seem pointless. Who'd wanna leave that?
HEINLEIN
Isaac, where are you going?
ASIMOV
I'm going to git zair autographs!
HEINLEIN
They'll be at the cast party; you can get 'em then.
ASIMOV
Nyet. I vas late for ze truffles, but I'm not going to miss meeting zem ip cliss!
HEINLEIN
Isaac, you already know them!
ASIMOV
Not like diss, I see zem in a complitly diffirint light now.
WELLS
He's got a point, there. I thought I had wild fantasies, but reality tops them all!
HEINLEIN
All right, Isaac, lead on. Maybe we can steal a kiss or something.
CLARKE
I should go, too. You might need some command guidance.
SIMAK
Aye, looks like they're gonna storm the stage. I should go and protect them lassies.
SLAAG
Good thinking, maybe I'll tag along. Hold the fort, old chap. (Pause.) Bye, Baron.
THE BARON
Later.
WELLS
(To AZALEA:) Zale, are you coming with us?
AZALEA
(Looking at THE BARON whispering sweet-nothings into RONNIE'S ear, RONNIE laughs.) Hmmph. Yeah. It sure beats being cooped up in this stuffy, old opera box. See ya!
THE BARON
Yes, yes, it was a pleasure. We'll catch up with you all back at the ranch, thanks. The convoy is out back, they'll take you... uh, yeah... Now where were we?
RONNIE
I was telling you about how to play Seven Minutes In Heaven.
THE BARON
Yes, that time-closet thing. It sounds really intruiging.
RONNIE
I dunno if I can make one, tho. I haven't had much practice.
THE BARON
Well, if you can't, back at the mansion, I got a secret room we could explore.
RONNIE
A secret room? Oooh! What's in it?
THE BARON
The stuff dreams are made of.
(They kiss.)
DISSOLVE TO:
(VERNE is underneath the cube, like he's working on a car. His legs are sticking out, his jacket is off and his sleeves are rolled up and he's got grease marks here and there. LEAH stands near a big swatzika-laden toolchest with "Der Quantum Toolchest" written on it. There's a lot of clanking and ratchet-winding going on down under.)
VERNE
Leah, could you please hand me that spanner? No, no, the green one. Also, could you look through the middle drawer of his toolbox and see if The Baron's got a tally-uh, a tip-wee?
LEAH
A what?
VERNE
You know, a tip-wee, a T-W. (Pause, cranes neck:) A tachyon pulse wave extractor.
LEAH
Okay, sure. A tacky wave thing. Gotcha. What's it look like?
VERNE
Um, let's see. (Suddenly, a drip on his forehead.) It's about eight inches long, cylindrical and rests on a base of two spheres and has a knob on the end of it.
LEAH
(Holds up a painted dildo; aluminum foil and metal pins cover its top; it sways as she firmly grasps it near its base:) You mean this rubbery-thing that looks like a penis?
VERNE
Uh, yeah, I suppose it does. I guess that's why guys just call it the tally-wacker.
LEAH
(Crouches down, hands it to VERNE:) Well, why didn't you say so?
VERNE
(Uses end of loosened tie to slow the small, sporadic drip:) You know, well, uh, it's a man-thing, one of those guy things that guys occassionally- I didn't want to upset you.
LEAH
If it's called a tally-wacker, call it a tally-wacker. Just because I don't desire the feeling of a penis inside me doesn't mean I'm afraid of them or anything.
VERNE
(As he's ramming the dildo in and out of some unseen hole above him, the drip worsens.) Of course not, I was just trying to show you a little courtesy, that's all.
LEAH
Save it, fly-boy.
VERNE
Okay, I won't pepper my talk with euphemisms. (Points to modified pliers, near other dolled-up household tools, laid out nearby:) Hand me the nipple-twisters, will ya?
LEAH
This thing? Yikes! I bet that would hurt! Now what's this all gonna do again?
VERNE
Well, I'm reversing the polarity- do you know how the color spectrum stacks in a Q-F?
LEAH
What? You're talking rubbish now.
VERNE
Well, a quantum field is like a prism; a rainbow of sorts. Except at the end of the rainbow, there isn't a leprechaun, or a pot of gold -- just a very finite possibility.
LEAH
(Hands him a rag, he moves out of the sporadic drip's path.) What kind of possibility?
VERNE
Well, that's just it. It depends on which part of the prism you're using. If it's white, it's pure energy and you can examine all the other colors but you can't really do anything. If it's black, it's Oblivion, and you sure-as-Helsinki ain't coming back. If it's violet, like Violet, (Taps tank above.) you're in flux and free. If it's red, like I'm fixing on this thing, you can fly, terraform planets or even do some brain surgery from another dimension.
LEAH
You mean the operation on Azalea took place in another dimension?
VERNE
Technically, yes. Ow! (Clank; some bolt got stripped, and something else is dripping fluid. He chucks the tallywacker and clamps the dripping tube with the nipple-twisters. He absently points:) Hand me the gaping, bearded clam, will you?
LEAH
Gaping bearded- This thing?
VERNE
That's the one.
LEAH
(Like a bear trap covered in steel wool:) My my my! What's this thing really called?
VERNE
It's a sonic transducer metabolized to resonate with tachyon-pulse irregularities.
LEAH
Sorry I asked. So, why is The Baron so hip on the blue room? What's its possibility?
VERNE
Well, that's the trick. Re-aligning the comatose is one thing, the conscious, that's something else. The blue room slows time even more than the green room does, but that's not the only way it's used. It borrows qualities of other rooms; merges them.
LEAH
Okay, I'm confused now.
VERNE
Well, there's a little rhyme they taught some people in college, but it doesn't rhyme anymore, since I invented the red room and changed all their secondary equations. Just know, with a maroon room, we can get out of here safely and back to our future reality.
LEAH
You invented the red room? Yeah, right, come on, it was like invented, like, like forever-ago...
VERNE
Yeah, about a few years ago or so, give or take a millennia. I was so naive then; the top-dogs stole my patent. Copied it right from my own drawings; changed the shape of the doorknob, and called it theirs. Hospitals pay through the nose for one, you think I ever see a dime from any of it? Like the light bulb, radio, personal computers -- the less-than-studious all think someone else was the inventor than the actual inven- I mean, I sure-as-hellbore know I made it first, and so does anyone who cares; that's something, right?
LEAH
I guess so. So if you're this big inventor, how come you're not famous or anything?
VERNE
Do you know who really invented the blue room?
LEAH
No.
VERNE
Reverend Kilgore Trout on July 4th, 4376. A genius among the geniuses. He must have felt pretty alone back then. After the big party wound down and he took a dirt nap, no one cared who he was either; I mean, my name's on an official digital microfiche; that's it.
LEAH
Oh yeah? What plate?
VERNE
Protocols and Advanced Theorems for Quantum Applications, it's a college text-plate.
LEAH
(Leans in, absently squashing her breasts with her biceps by resting her clasped hands between her knees as she sits on her heels while kneeling on the floor. Her facial expressions are sincere:) Well, I guess that's pretty cool. Must be pretty dry reading, tho.
VERNE
Oh! Very. Less-exciting than the details surrounding the red room’s inception. Ow! Could you please hand me a couple-a thunder-thighs? Yeah, those electric-looking leg-things there.
LEAH
So what was going on when you invented this thing? Why'd you make it look so scary?
VERNE
(Takes thunder thighs.) Thanks. It's always been kinda scary and creepy. I've always looked at it like it was more mysterious than scary. It ventures into the true unknown. I actually invented a new, separate doorway that provided modification, not the device itself.
LEAH
Oh. Okay, but that was kinda important, too, wasn't it?
VERNE
I'll say! Before the red room, quantum generators could only sort out defects in our D-N-A and maybe find mines in a minefield sometimes or conjure a few holograms that could be slightly... tangible. Nothing like what I got it doing for us now. (Pause.) Apparently, The Baron is up to something too. I see some old dimensional calibrations, like back in the early days of space flight. Loaded with Zeta... Occasionally some wizard scientist would discover an equation that would wager trans-spatial travel instantaneously and try it.
LEAH
I know, I know, Testi! Trans-Spatial Travel Instantaneously; I got an "A" in Physics, ya know.
VERNE
Yeah, yeah, the old way. But the red room changed everything. Everything. Before, they kinda had to guess, like as if they didn't know pi from the number three. Testi was a program that rounded-off numbers and kinda worked wonders now and then, and the dogs conquered The Universe with it, but we got the short end of the stick and all of the paradox; plus, there’s only one way back -- from Zeta. I wonder what's become of the-
LEAH
(Doesn't interrupt, VERNE trailed off:) Of the what?
VERNE
All our tinkering with other dimensions, the Phantom World and Earth's history is bound to make things go crazy. Not just here, also back at home.
LEAH
Let's not talk about home. So how'd you invent this- modification of this thing?
VERNE
It's a long story, forget I even brought it up.
LEAH
No, fill me in, it might gimme a clue to knowin' what you're doing down there.
VERNE
You're really interested?
LEAH
(Leans in, quick, smooth:) I'm wet with wonder.
(VERNE pauses, licks his lips. He slides out a little, cheating to LEAH. He lights a joint for her.)
VERNE
Well, it all started when I was on The U-triple-S Roanoke, see?
LEAH
The Roanoke? Hey! Hey! Yeah! Yeah! I know that! I know it from Old World History class. Wow! You're like so, so ancient! So hey- Did it truly get lost? Didja get all weird? Did the crew really all go totally psycho and-
VERNE
(Tokes for a while, stalling. Passes, dashes underneath, out of sight.) UmmmmmmmmmHm, it was an ill-fated journey that landed us up mostly-lost in an asteroid field, then way, way too close to an event horizon. Luckily, I figured out the red-room equation just in time.
LEAH
Come on... You escaped the event-horizon of a black hole? Whoa! (Playfully sheepish, "suddenly" noticing how the top button of her blouse "accidentally" came undone earlier, "only now" sees how the top of her lacy bra reveals FAR too much to a randy, hormone-raged pervert like VERNE, and unbuttons the one below it for good measure:) Hey, I'm on to you... Yashittinmeenow. It's getting pretty deep in here, Mr. Man -- all this for a little peep show?
VERNE
(Oblivious.) So far, I'm the only one who's ever managed to do it like I did. At least, I think I am anyway.
LEAH
Okay. (Hits deeply, lungs greatly expanding.) Let's say I buy all this marlarky you're sayin', cuz I really, really like spooky stories and we've got lotsa time to kill here, alone... with you, in this cellar... all alone. (Slowly exhales. VERNE hasn't poked his head out once. Abrupt:) What really happened, Verne?
VERNE
(Clank! Pause, measured:) Wha- What do you mean?
LEAH
On The Roanoke, what really happened? Psychics say it became a ghost-ship; talk radio says that all your brains got modified by alien visitors with crooked anal probes and your buttholes got bored-out in the same way the Egyptians used to suck out people's brains. (Beat.) Hey! Ever see that movie called Roanoke Rediscovered? Wow... When they found it all drifting in the middle of nowhere and only that one girl survived -- like I couldn't sleep good for weeks! Everyone aboard got so hacked-apart!
VERNE
I know about it. (Looks out, tokes, sees her blouse nearly unbuttoned completely, tilts his head unconsciously to get a better view, tokes again, and again, and slowly passes -- finally looks her in the eye, seeing she is still smiling despite his staring and notices that she is more interested in what he is telling her than the joint getting passed to her:) Yeah, they got all the facts messed-up and they had the lamest actor play me and they didn't do the hacking-up scenes any justice at all. And what was there to rediscover, anyway, except all the usual T-N-A and every profane expletive that ever marred a holy word? That's movies for you; you think they gave me any money for that, either?
LEAH
(Tokes.) I doubt it, it was the biggest flop of the year. (Passes.) Hey, but I kinda liked it. It was real scary!
VERNE
(Tokes.) Maybe so, but who ends a movie with a bunch of phantasms going through a time-portal?
(Beat. Maybe two. VERNE sighs, passes and goes back to work.)
VERNE (Cont'd)
Well, of course that's not really what went down, and since I am the sole survivor of that little absconce into the Almighty's acrimonious abyss, my version still remains the only official account of just what really happened to The Roanoke, and it stands. They ain't never coming back; none of them. I say that with complete confidence.
LEAH
Yeah, I thought that time-portal ending was pretty far-fetched.
VERNE
Yeah, so did I. Of course, I always figured time-travel was impossible then. Go figure.
LEAH
Man, I paid money to see that movie. I hate stupid endings. So which guy was based on you?
VERNE
(Pops head out, takes hit from joint after successfully delivering:) Uh, I'm obviously the one that lived?
LEAH
No, I mean they had Donnie Diamond play Captain Abraxas, the hero, and that wasn't you, you're not the hero type anyway. Ooooh, were you the pervert who drilled the little peep hole in the girls' shower?
VERNE
You kidding me? That was Bali-wood cooking up controversy. Women? If there would have been women aboard, do you really think any of us would have gotten cabin-fever like we did and send the ship spiraling headlong into a sure-fire, time-space-distorted demise like we did?
LEAH
No, I would hope you wouldn't!
VERNE
Well, be relieved to know I wasn't the one who made that masterful course-correction. I was... kinda on ice... (Long pause.) I was just an ensign then. Captain Abraxas and Lieutenant Chuellueye (VERNE says Chew'-ee-lou”-ee, although it is truly pronounced CHEW-EL'-YEW"-LIE) knew what went down- Chewy and I knew who was to blame, what was to blame for the mess. I... I didn't get really get woke up until after it was too late and some other wackos needed some new blood to take a "fresh look" at tackling the problem.
LEAH
So what was your job?
VERNE
(Fine-tuning the master adjustment.) I was the Chief Medical Assistant.
LEAH
You were a nurse?
VERNE
No, I was a doctor. There's a difference. I need that sperm-burper. Yeah, that.
LEAH
So you were the doctor in the movie? The one who scooped that guy's eyes out with a-
VERNE
No. No. I was his surgical assistant, the one who "supposedly" got electrocuted and burned to death in an open, oxygen-free airlock. Thanks, now please hand me the guzzler. Yep.
LEAH
Oh! I know who you were! The one who screamed like a dying mouse! That part was so funny!
VERNE
Idiots. In space, no one can hear you scream. There's no sound in space; it's quiet; really quiet.
LEAH
You were the clumsy one, I remember; hey! That guy playing you got killed in the very first scene!
VERNE
I know. I told you; they didn't wanna pay me a dime. (Back to work:) Greedy bastards.
LEAH
You really made a time machine?
(VERNE gingerly taps the echoing, reverberating, aquarium-looking box. VIOLET starts floating around in the air, like a fish in the water, untethered by physical laws.)
VERNE
You're lookin' at it. When I formulated my hypothesis and wrote out the equation, I knew it could kinda-sorta mess with time in a weird way, but truly, I never really pondered-
LEAH
Can we go back in time before this all started? Before my head got cut in half?
VERNE
Well, actually we can, since it's the future from now. Of course, I have no idea what would really happen, but if you all are on a quantum-conductor-plate the next time the generator is used, you should re-assimilate painlessly and seamlessly into Violet.
LEAH
And I would be one person, back in the future?
VERNE
Yes. This would all be like... a hazy dream. And even a crazy future would seem normal to you.
LEAH
Can we go to when you got us all shot-up in that little war you said you started?
VERNE
I didn't really start it, I just kinda-sorta finished it. Gunboat diplomacy of sorts.
LEAH
Whatever. Can we undo any of this if we stop me from getting hit by the laser beam?
VERNE
I doubt it. We conform to the time we are in, and it seems that the farther from the moment of initial departure that we travel, the more radical the difference in our personas, and our paradox. It's safest to go back to the exact time and place of your operation, where I could contain the quantum sphere, and we'd go back to being us, maybe.
LEAH
Can't you look ahead and find out? I remember the fortune teller at the state fair had a yellow, crystal ball that said I would live many lives. I guess she was right.
VERNE
She had a chee-pee version of a yellow-room. It's a gimmick; they're not reliable.
LEAH
You mean that old lady lied to me about finding true love in another world?
VERNE
No... but they only tell you the stuff you wanna hear. Looking into a yellow-room is a biased, theoretical interprtetation at best. If it really was a way to predict the future, then why don't meteorologists use them? Their forecasts are almost always totally wrong; they can use all the help they can get. The best a yellow room can do is show if you are on a slightly-promising path or a total dead end.
LEAH
Well, can't we do that and see if we made the right choice and if we did it right?
VERNE
No, the time of the battle is out of the question, it's remote and messy. Bad news all around.
LEAH
But we could see it, right? See what's in the future from there; maybe go there?
VERNE
You can glimpse the future in a yellow room, and I suppose since we are in the past, we could even jump forward to the time of the battle, but the orange spectrum would prevent us from doing anything. We'd just make a brown room and probably land up back in the Phantom World. Canya hand me two milk bags and give me a dab of ball batter?
(LEAH hands VERNE two red-nippled, round, flesh-colored bags of silicon. She squirts a dram of a white, sticky substance from a phallic, mustard dispenser with "Der Ball Batter" written on it onto a fuzzy spatula that looks more like a toy than a tool.)
LEAH
You scientists; I think you all need to get out more.
VERNE
That's what I thought; that's why I got my pilot's license and joined the military.
LEAH
How long have you been in?
VERNE
Oh, a lil' over a few years or so, give or take a couple of centuries. They want me to buck for Admiral, but I'm thinking of retiring. I like open space, not cubicles. Plus, I'm just not the butt-kissing type.
(VIOLET happens to be sitting right above VERNE'S face, away from the camera. VIOLET’S butt is squarely over him, sinking down to rest. LEAH sees this; he doesn't and she gives us a Nemo-ey look.)
LEAH
Is that so? Didn’t I hear Zack say that you’re the President’s top field advisor, acting in a Space Theatre or something?
VERNE
Senior Field Advisor of The Galactic Military Command of The Northern Spacial Theatre. I like “Captain” better -- easier to say. The President's been hounding me to take a desk-job, but that's just because she wants me around her so she can keep me muzzled on her leash. I ain't down with that. If she finds out my pilot's license has been officially revoked for fifty-seven years -- and even that was a hack job -- it would give her the excuse she's looking for so she could keep me on her short chain. I ain't down with being less than me.
LEAH
Me neither. So, without our collars, we'll probably be hunted down if we go back.
VERNE
I was thinking that too, but it seems the original paradox has somehow been removed.
LEAH
What are you talking about? You mean the operation or the terraformation?
VERNE
Ow! The two-backed beast in the bottom drawer of the toolbox, please. I gotta drill.
LEAH
What's this original paradox you're talking about? Here.
VERNE
Thank you. Well, I was about to resort to using a black room and calling it quits when I realized that my last batch of clones didn't have collars. Didn't even know what they were.
LEAH
Which means?
VERNE
It means that somehow, humans are in charge in the future, kinda like it is now, here. It gives me hope.
LEAH
What about the dogs?
VERNE
It's strange. Maybe it's like it is in this time. Maybe dogs are really our pets.
LEAH
Dogs being the pets? Humans running the world? That's pretty odd. Far-fetched.
VERNE
Not any more far-fetched than what those movie studios say happened on The Roanoke.
LEAH
But dogs are our moral guidance. Who else could be the Pope? A man? Hmmph!
VERNE
I know dogs are perhaps, spiritually superior, but if you think about it, we're the ones doing all the work anyway. Maybe letting humans run things won't be so bad, after all.
CU: LEAH
LEAH
What about us? What about human breeding? The breeding problem? Who's there to tell us who to mate with? When to clone?
CU: VERNE
VERNE
(A tender, long gaze, then:) Maybe nature's in charge; maybe she has been all along... Okay, one more thing, and this baby might just work for us. I gotta tighten-up this induction coil. Canya hand me the tuna taco -- that clamp; the one for the greasy tube steak?
MS: LEAH
(LEAH just looks sourly at the camera, like an aspiring porn star who had patiently-slaved all morning on hands-and-knees for one, grand, star-launching facial -- only to have most of the milky wad land inside her ear and dribble away like a slimy, 1980s dangle-earring. VERNE'S certainly gone over the top. Way over the top -- for once. Light segue music.)
CUT TO: