Scene 3.20 - The Dark Side
EST: INT. Shelter - Afternoon
(VERNE is making quarters shots and downing beer between multiple bong hits from a variety of sources. There are blunts, spleefs, joints, pipes, gravity bongs and beer pyramids all around and an upside-down, empty-keg-shrine in the center of the room. SPECKLES circles behind VERNE, encouraging him.)
SPECKLES
Yes, drink! Smoke! Yes, a Red-Eye’s beer flows from the glass. The smoke flows from the bong. But beware of the dark side: bogarts, party-fouls and camping, the dark side of the buzz are they, easily they flow.
VERNE
Speaking of flow, where’s the head?
SPECKLES
What?
VERNE
The John, the Crapper, the Latrine, the W-C. (Pause.) You know, the water-closet.
SPECKLES
Why there you want to venture?
VERNE
(Captain Nemo-ish:) I guess you wouldn’t understand, would you?
SPECKLES
(Shrugs:) Hmmm?
VERNE
I gotta shake the dew off my lily.
SPECKLES
Eh?
VERNE
Bleed the lizard, drain the main vein. (Pause, points to genitals.) Take a leak.
SPECKLES
Oh! Why didn’t you say so? Hmmm? Heh-heh!
VERNE
I did. (Touches belly.) Listen, this is a pressing problem, here.
SPECKLES
A Red-Eye uses the toilet for urination, sanitation, self-grooming. Never for graffiti, dope-deals or pocket-pool.
VERNE
Never mind, I’ll find it myself.
SPECKLES
It is there, a domain of evil it is.
VERNE
With only a puppet around to keep it clean, I imagine so.
SPECKLES
Leave your weapons behind, you will not need them.
VERNE
(Stops waddling to the doorway:) What weapons? What’s in there, Verne?
SPECKLES
Only what you take with you.
VERNE
(Pulls up pants a little, weighing belly:) About three quarts, then.
(He goes in, there is a mirror, he sees himself, then a dissolve to VERNE 1 as a Talosian in the mirror, then back to VERNE. He does a double-take, rubs his eyes, shakes his head and steps to the urinal. He seems to go for a long time, then he hears light-sabre sounds. As he rocks back and forth and side to side, he realizes his stream of urine is making the sound. He plays a while, shaking off the drops, sputtering it out and when he zips up and flushes, making an explosion-of-a-Darth-Vader-mask-kind-of-sound, he finally looks down.)
VERNE (Cont'd)
(Yelling to the gods above:) No!
CU: Urinal cake in swirling water
(Engraved upon the urinal cake is a perfectly-carved image of VERNE, not big-brained. It reads around the edges: “Go With The Best!” and “The Baron's Snappy-Time Urinal Cakes” and VERNE howls to the heavens, aware there are many clones left to assimilate, and also unaware that his ship is about to be taken over.)
FTB