Scene 8.10 - Monty's Dream
EST: EXT. The Jolie Rouge -- July 3rd, 1815 - Late Afternoon
(The Jolie Rouge is made to look like a police boat, bearing san-sarif, white-lettered SWAT on its black sail. A tethered Zeppelin looms over The Cherry Mary.)
MUSIC: Homage to SWAT theme
LS: A man in black fatigues repels down a rope from the Zeppelin, musket across his back. The laser-powered Zeppelin hovers over the boat, passengers and crew all on deck, amazed at the technology displayed above.
MS: Deck of The Cherry Mary
CAMPY
(Whuzzzzup - Thud! Official:) Who is in command of this vessel?
LARRY
I am. Who are you, sir?
CAMPY
(Flashes badge from under a black, tactical Velcro flap:) Special Agent Kong, of the SoBe Waterway Action Team -- we're pirate hunters, sir.
LARRY
(Impressed:) Pirate hunters? Oh! Welcome aboard! I'm Larry Bling, captain of this ship. We're delighted to have you aboard!
CAMPY
We're searching for a very dangerous outfit of pirates -- have you encountered any other craft on your voyage here?
LARRY
Oh, no, we haven't... but we still might! They strike anytime, anywhere -- they're very crafty pirates; careful; never too desperate...
CAMPY
(Official, factual, looks at his play-book.) We're sorry to take up your time, but our protocol mandates that we must be thorough; we will need to search your ship for stowaways or evidence of piracy aboard -- you may be under coercion-
LARRY
Yes, I understand completely, feel free to search where you please. Hemlock! Unlock the cabins; help this man do his job!
CAMPY
We appreciate your cooperation, sir. This should only take a few minutes of your time.
(CAMPY whistles and a team of pirates, dressed as law enforcement officers, hop aboard the craft as the police boat, resplendent with reflective blue and red windmills, pulls alongside. The men give each other tactical hands signs and go-to.)
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Cabin one, clear!
CAMPY
It's just a formality, you understand, we do not wish to inconvenience you or your passengers-
LARRY
Oh, it's nothing to them, they were gettin' bored anyway. And me, I like anybody who's hunting those nasty pirates... a scourge...
MUGGS V.O.
(Through tube sticking out of the deck.) Lower deck, clear!
LEFTY V.O.
Cargo deck, clear!
LARRY
You have a marvelous ship... Are you heading to port, lads? To South Beach?
CAMPY
As a matter of fact, we are.
LARRY
We would be honored to have you as an escort.
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Ship is secure, sir. No pirates aboard.
CAMPY
(Making official notations.) Cargo?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Two tons of indica, sir.
CAMPY
Not bad... Good, all looks to be in order. You are free to carry on sir, I'll speak to command about escorting you to port; it's likely they will agree. The safety of merchants like yourself and your passengers is precisely why we are here.
LARRY
We pack light for these local trips, but have plenty to share with you and your men if you'd like to stay aboard for a spell. I have a fleet of hemp-shipping vessels, I operate out of Havana: I own this boat and many others. (Beat.) Say, Agent Kong, these pirates have been hittin' nearly every ship I've got and I bet over a glass of brandy I can tell you more about them and what to look for-
CAMPY
(Adjusts tinted bullet-proof visor -- we can only see his eyes within.) You'd have to talk with the chief about that, he's aboard our craft. He'll give you an official tour. I'm sure he'd love to hear anything you know about those scumbags. They're a true menace.
LARRY
Absolutely. Sir, let me be your Godsend. I have recorded every instance they have struck and exactly where and when and how-
CAMPY
Sounds like it could be very helpful information. Agent Brown! (A man rushes up and comes to attention and salutes. CAMPY returns it.) This gentleman will be coming aboard our craft; tell navigation to keep along side this vessel. ("Agent Brown" nods and salutes again and departs.) Please, sir, bring all the resources you have aboard, along with a copy of the ship's log. We need to make an entry that your ship has been cleared. For security reasons, each tour-group must be limited to four persons.
LARRY
I'm certainly up for a tour -- you have a beautiful craft. Exceptional! Is she fast?
CAMPY
The fastest. All paid for by you, the taxpayer. You will like the tour. However, I will also have to ask that anyone who is coming aboard, to do so unarmed. We're transferring a dangerous prisoner; our jail is occupied -- we can't risk anyone dropping their-
LARRY
(Hands-off a small flintlock to a deck-hand.) I understand. Jeckel -- go get my log book and my pirate casebook. Anyone want to take a tour of the police boat with me?
(No one seems interested.)
CAMPY
Heh! Perhaps it's best then. Our prisoner is notorious. Lord General Casino is a very dangerous man. Shall we go, sir?
(The girls look to one another. They're the only ones who caught the reference. People go back to what they were doing before.)
ADELE
Excuse me, Mister Agent Man? Did you say Lord General Casino?
CAMPY
Yes, he's got a concert in Bryant Fairgrounds tomorrow night, and we're bringing him over from-
(Immediately, the young girls are completely-freaking-out and are excited beyond measure and rush to the side of the boat.)
ALL YOUNG GIRLS
(Ad libs:) L-G-C! L-G-C! Elgeecee! Omigod! Omigod! I'm like so freaking out! Is this real!? Oh my god! Aaaahhhh!!!
MISTY
What? What? Who is L-G-C?
VERONICA
(As if she's given an oral report in class on it before:) Ms. Milk-toes like Lord General Casino Cass to his friends and L-G-C to his many intimate friends and lovers is like the all-time-greatest musical artist in modern history and has won five Grammy awards for his Cowbell Series, Uncut and went quadruple platinum with his latest run of his Cowbell Remixes. (Breath.) He is the most awesomest singer in the Universe and is really nice to little animals because he donates money to charity and should be the next President of The United States. The world needs more good looking men like Lord General Casino to rock our country!
(Her friends applaud. It sounds just as good upon repeating.)
HAYLEY
Larry, looks like you got three girls who wanna go with you.
LARRY
(Happy:) Well, all right then! (They board.) Go see your little rock-and-roll, boy-band delinquent in the pokey. (Trails off. I don't think the girls stuck around to hear all of that, so, abruptly:) Agent Kong -- May I get a look at the bridge of your vessel?
(CAMPY awaits the log book to be brought and remains aboard The Cherry Mary.)
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Come, sir -- I'll introduce you to our chief.
(They go upstairs toward the bridge, MUGGS leads the girls below deck.)
MUGGS
This way, ladies. Have you eaten yet? It's his supper time. We have plenty...
VERONICA
I can't eat -- I'm so excited I think I'm going to pee myself...
ADELE
Oh, me too! I'm going to faint!
ALBERTA
If he looks me in the eye, I think I'll just die on the spot!
(More crazy, excited ad-libs from the groupies.)
PEDESTAL DOWN THROUGH FLOOR
INT. Monty's lab
(MONTY is sleeping on the cell floor, in the midst of a vivid dream.)
DREAM DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ZIGGURAT
(All members of the cast are present, in masks. Court is in session, TERFER is the judge, CAMPY is the prosecutor, CHONGI is the defense. WINNIE, LARRY and MOE are on trial and are not wearing masks, only exaggerated makeup, in the style of Primus in their video of "Wynona's Big Brown Beaver" or Max Headroom or something like that. Everyone looks much like they did when MONTY last saw them, just aged superficially and over-the-top, circus-style [over-the-big-top] with granny glasses or ear-horns or canes or overly-gray hair or even kinder, gentler wrinkles that just don't measure-up to the hardness of reality. Everyone is melodramatic. MONTY is dressed in white and gleams. He looks quite untarnished, like Frankie Avalon in Grease.)
TERFER
Mr. Prosecutor-
CAMPY
In my final statement to the jury, let me simply recap: Despicable Moe was so jealous of Master Monty's Mojo that he and Atrocious Larry persuaded Wicked Winston to lock up an innocent man for umpteen years. Umpteen years! How are we ever going to get those years back? We cannot. How can poor Monty, victim, human -- how can we make him whole again? I ask you, members of the jury, after all this man has suffered at the hands of these men, to please, give him the justice he deserves...
TERFER
Madam Defense?
CHONGI
(Closed captioned:) What is a soul made of? Can you measure it? Can you examine it directly? No, you may only glimpse at-
TERFER
Madam Defense?
CHONGI
(Closed captioned:) Don't tell me you can't hear me either, Judge. Is the whole world deaf to my words?
POKE
I'm not, my sweet.
(CHONGI smiles.)
TERFER
Try nodding. Do they plead guilty? No? Okay, not guilty? Right. Okay so far. Does the defense have anything to add?
POKE
Your honor, I speak Silentese...
TERFER
Yes, please translate, Master Poke.. Bailiff, swear him in -- and as an officer of the court, Master Poke, you are bound by laws far greater than those guarding against perjury -- you are to repeat only what she says exactly as she says it, except audibly -- understand?
POKE
Of course, your honor, my respect for this court and for finding the truth would not allow me to do otherwise...
TERFER
Yeah, yeah, yeah... Final argument from the defense?
CHONGI
(Captioned:) When these three men conspired against Mr. Bizkit, it was only boys being boys, it unfortunately, got out of hand...
POKE
You see, your honor, it was all like this: They did not come to bury Monty, but to praise him...
CHONGI
(Captioned, pacing:) The weight of these men's misdeeds could be attributable to childhood mischief, they did not fully realize the extent of their actions, the consequences of their prank, they are guilty of being childish and of submitting a false police report, no more -- they did not understand the adult nature of their crime nor the results of a minor infraction that unfortunately blossomed into an overblown charge of felony false imprisonment and attempted murder...
POKE
Forgive them, Judge, for they know not what they do...
CHONGI
(Once was okay to let slide. Captioned, cross:) That's not what I said at all, stop playing around, Poke...
POKE
The defense rests, your honor.
(Sour look from CHONGI. POKE doesn't seem to winning any favors from her in dreamland.)
TERFER
Well jury, you've heard all the evidence. File out!
(They file out and file back inside immediately from the other side of the pews. Kinda like Communion.)
TERFER (Cont'd)
Has the jury reached a verdict?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
We have, your honor.
TERFER
Well?
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Ladies and gentlemen of the court: In the matter of Winston Winnebego, Larry Bling and Moe DeMoney -- equally-charged on two counts of first-degree murder, one count of conspiracy to commit murder, one count of conspiracy to commit treason, one count of kidnapping, one count of false imprisonment, six counts of forgery, five counts of money laundering, four prank calls, three French kisses with two underage doves and for shooting a partridge in a pear tree -- We, the jury, find the defendants guilty on all counts.
(Victory! Mixed courtroom reactions. MONTY is radiant and glowing -- fists in the air like a boxing champ.)
MONTY
(Heavenly light shining down upon him.) Finally! Justice!
SOUND: Tapping of judge's gavel, dramatic change in set, lights, costumes.
(The defendants are sobbing in stripey jail attire, wearing chains and manacles and five o'clock shadows. They look pitiful.)
TERFER
Winston Winnebego, for the crimes stated, I sentence you to be whipped with angel-hair pasta!
WINNIE
(Under spotlight:) No! Not angel-hair pasta! I hate the texture of angel-hair pasta!
(Big guards drag him away, kicking and throwing a temper tantrum as a woven, noodle noose is thrown about his neck.)
MONTY
(Pulling-in motion with fist and elbow:) Yes!
TERFER
Larry Bling, you have disgraced this court with your smell long enough. You are to be bathed daily for the next umpteen years with lilac soap!
(Two shirtless giants of sadistic flesh with dark circles painted around their eyes in the style of lummox executioners come at the man.)
LARRY
No! I hate the smell of lilacs! Noooooooooo!
(They laugh and exit with a howling, struggling LARRY carried away into a smoky green light down an endless hallway...)
MONTY
(Mimes listening to the stands, pointing to beyond the outfield, getting a stance, winding up the bat and sending it out of the ballpark and using his non-bat-holding hand to visor his eyes as he watches the ball fly into orbit.) Yes! Oh yes! Revenge is so sweet! (Ends pantomime with a salute.) Sigh-yon-are'-ah, sucka!
MS: MOE, afraid
MOE
(On knees, pleading -- harsh light upon him:) Please your honor, have mercy!
MONTY
(Enthralled, appalled:) Did I get any mercy?
(Agitated grumblings and sentiment from the crowd. The peanut gallery seems to agree with Monty. CLACK-CLACK-CLACK!)
TERFER
(Tap.) Quiet in the court! Moe DeMoney, you've betrayed your best friend, stole his fine-ass woman in the prime of her youth, made him count sixty-nine-thousand-six-hundred-and-ninety-six stones thirty-eight point nine times and now you want mercy?
MOE
(Gulp!) Yes, your honor!
TERFER
What say you, citizens? Shall I grant this man mercy?
ALL
(Thumbs down all around:) No!
(Tap, tap, tap with gavel. Uses it to gesture.)
TERFER
The people have spoken, you'll get no mercy from me, save a swift noogie... I sentence you to immediate noogie by mojo -- Lord General, will you do the honors? It is only fitting that you deliver the noogie in the most painful way possible.
MONTY
Oh yes, your honor, it would be my pleasure... (Exercising pinky fingers of both hands, limbering up... Gearing up for super-duper-Kung-Fu-knock-out-noogie-strike to be unleashed on a pleading MOE. Surprisingly, even to himself, sings:) This is for all the lonely people...
OUT-OF-DREAM DISSOLVE: Wavy, echo-sounding, distant and hazy...
TERFER
Lord General Casino, what? Lord General Casino?
CUT TO: Cell
MS: MONTY poked in the ribs by toilet brush from outside his cell by MUGGS.
MUGGS
Lord General Casino?
MONTY
Na-huh? Yes, officer, what is it? Have we arrived at South Beach yet?
MUGGS
Not yet, sir, there are some fans right outside who would like to meet you.
MONTY
Fans, huh? I should be sleeping-off this hangover, yet I won't disappoint a fan. (Hits his wake-n-bake pipe.) Okay, bring them in.
(MUGGS does so with little ceremony. The girls are freaked out, slowly approaching, almost ready to collapse.)
GIRLS
Oh my God! Oh my God! It's him! It's him! Is this real? Oh my God!
MONTY
Would you ladies like to come in here and join me for dinner? I would love the company...
(They scream and keep each other from letting their legs turn to jelly and eventually get inside the open cell.)
MONTY
Naw, sit closer girls. You can touch me -- Come on, pinch me, I'm real enough.
VERONICA
(In awe:) I am like your biggest fan and you are so awesome and I know all your songs and I have two cowbells in my bedroom.
ADELE
(About as aroused and excited as she can be without doing anything:) I got four cowbells! Two in my hope chest!
ALBERTA
(Near tears, a waking dream; the fantasy comes alive:) I sleep with mine under my pillow!
MONTY
(Amused:) What if I said they're only keeping me under house arrest until the concert, and what would you say if I said I would like all three of you to join me onstage tomorrow to sing back-up for a song or two and to maybe join me backstage afterward for a private after-party?
(They completely freak-out. This goes on for many moments while MONTY and MUGGS exchange glances, signs and shrugs.)
VERONICA
(Enraptured:) I love you. I will do anything you want.
ADELE
(Overcome:) I love you more. You can do anything you want to me -- Anything!
ALBERTA
I- I dream of... singing a duet with you... (Excited to tears now.) I love you the most; I do, I do... Take me!
(They all take pause. MONTY, the only one who even has a clue about anything that's essentially important, innately-senses the wrongness of such an idea and shivers it away, not caring if the enraptured girls mis-read his body language or not.)
MS: MONTY'S grimace to camera...
MONTY
Ah, naw, that's not what I was gettin' to, ladies -- I'm gonna give you girls much more than that.
GIRLS
What? Give us what?
MONTY
Insight. Answers. Meet me in the green room, backstage, at midnight, after the concert, and I'll tell you all I know about things.
ALBERTA
All of us?
MONTY
Yes.
VERONICA
But if you're a prisoner, how will you-?
MUGGS
Ladies -- sir.
(They take the covered dishes. Tofu salad.)
MONTY
It's cool. Eat up, no one said jail food was great, but mine is better than most -- it's all vegan, though. Thanks, officer.
MUGGS
(Smirking, winking:) No problemo, L-G-C.
(Exits.)
ADELE
(As if in a dream not wanting to wake up and not wanting to admit it is only a dream:) Yeah... How will you escape to see us?
MONTY
(Light:) Ah, they got me all caged-up over a little contraband I scored in Afghanistan and one of my roadies tried to sneak some through Panama. I took the blame; he's one of my boys. No biggie, I got lawyers, I've already beaten it, the jury just don't know it yet. As an upstanding morally-conscious citizen, I've been released on my own recognizance, yet I figure a free ride from the cops through pirate-infested waters would be a safe bet. I can really get out of this cage any time I want -- they know I'm cool.
ADELE
(Eureka!) We have plenty of time while V's step-dad is busy on deck -- you want us to get naked for you?
ALBERTA
(Starts to take off her top.) Oh yeah!
VERONICA
(Beginning to unbutton a very button-filled blouse:) We can go native like Chongi does...
MONTY
Wh- Wait! Wh- What little tramps you are! Come on! You only know me by reputation. Tabloids only say so much... For all you know, I could be a really perverted, old sicko-creep who only wants to do really weird and disgusting things to all three of you...
EXCITED GIRLS
(All look to each other, then MONTY, smiling:) Okay!
MONTY
I think you're missing the point. I got a lot to share with you , and I do want you to adopt my people's customs, but we're gonna do this the right way. I want each of you to write on your napkin your favorite creature, mythical or otherwise, and give it to me.
ADELE
Mine's a-
MONTY
(Hands them cool little cowbell-eraser-tipped pencils. Surely leftovers from a tour filled with shameless marketing promotions.) Write it down, don't tell each other, and I mean it. And don't just write down my name, I want your favorite creature that isn't me. (All three girls scribble-out what they were writing.) Give me your napkins when you're through. Eat, ladies. (They write on their cotton napkins and give them to him and begin to pick at their food a leaf at a time. Pause.) You're creepin' me out... If I gave you all a fatherly kiss, would that get you all to chill with all them wide-eyed, star-struck, spread-eagled looks I'm gettin' from y'all?
ALL
(Half-spoken, smiling and submissive nods abound.) Uh-huh!
(He kisses ADELE softly and quickly. He tries to kiss ALBERTA on the forehead, but she ain't having that and puckers up and closes her eyes. He pecks her. He tries to do the same to VERONICA but she tries to French-kiss him and he breaks away.)
MONTY
Hey, no tongue! I'm a family man.
VERONICA
I want some mo' o' that!
ADELE
Can we please, please see your face, El Gee Cee?
MONTY
Uh, no...
VERONICA
You know better, he don't show his face to-
MONTY
I'll only show my face to everyone only after my wife gets to see my face.
ALBERTA
(Crushed:) You're married?
MONTY
(Pause, smile.) Why, yes I am.
ADELE
(Nearly heartbroken.) To who?
MONTY
A girl who wouldn't like me to say her name aloud. (Beat.) You didn't like the salad. You girls want some home-made cookies?
(They mumble agreement. He signals to MUGGS who stands at the door, unnoticed by the girls.)
MONTY
Come on, girls, you know you like cookies. (Throws two arms around the trio.) Hey, just cuz I'm married doesn't mean I haven't been separated for a long while and it doesn't mean I can't hang out with some cute, doe-eyed girls who I think are all very pretty -- don't we all have a hot date at midnight tonight?
(That kinda cheered them up.)
VERONICA
I doubt we'll even get away. My step-dad is super-strict and keeps us closely watched. We need constant supervision, he says.
MONTY
Can anyone else be your guardian to supervise you? One that isn't super-strict?
VERONICA
My mom's here. She let's me do what I want most of the time if she's in a good mood.
MONTY
Can you come to the after-party with your mother then?
VERONICA
I want to! Maybe, probably not though. She's really not the partying type. I think she must have grown up in a convent.
MONTY
You'd be surprised. Ask her.
ALBERTA
If her mom goes, mine will want to come too. Then we won't have any fun. My mom's such a downer, she's never had any fun-
MONTY
Nonsense. I told all three of you, it will be a perfect night for all of us -- especially with your mom and your mom there. Trust me.
(They don't feel too enthused. MUGGS comes in with little chocolate-covered fudge cakes with frosting. Deluxe hash brownies.)
MONTY (Cont'd)
Okay, over dessert I'll sing you a few songs I wrote and right off, I'll teach you one where you can do back up vocals with me for tomorrow's show and if it will make you girls feel better, I'll take my shirt off.
(Now they're excited. He reveals his many scars from his days on Hell's Island. Yeah, he's totally buff -- Russell-Crowe-in-his-prime buff.)
ALBERTA
(Pointing to his burns on his forearms, knowing what they are from the magazine stories, but not the story behind the story:) Your Shower-Lynn markings, we know what they mean, but what are they actually from? How did you get them?
MONTY
(Rolling a joint, warming up the bell.) Rough sex. Eat.
ADELE
You're gonna make us get fat.
MONTY
The more of you to love, my dear.
(They giggle. He breaks out the cowbell, sparks the j and goes to town. Chocolate-covered, napkin-less mouths smile in awe...)
MONTY (Cont'd)
(In the style of Three Dog Night:) You know I'm a hardcore stoner, and so is Master Poke, I don't ever hear a single word that Chongi says but I'll help her toke her smoke, you know she gets some mighty-dope smoke, singin' pot to the world, for all the boys and girls now, pot to the eagles in the high-blue sky, pot to you and I...
PEDESTAL UP TO: