Scene 7.14 - The Beginning Of A Very Long Ending
EST: INT. U.S.S.S. Roanoke Within The Event Horizon Of Dark-Star-IX-September-6699
(VERNE is maddeningly attempting to rouse VERNE CLONE as lights blink on and off and the whole ship is off-kilter to the horizon line of the frame; various shots of screaming, air-slapping and jumping up and down in frustration.)
VERNE
Wake up! Damn it! Wake up! Wake up!
(CAMEO TWENTY-THREE opens an eye and looks toward the clone -- hearing VERNE hauntingly speak from another dimension -- a dimension also plummeting into the massive celestial body.)
COMPUTER
Warning! Ship will lose structural integrity in seven minutes, Mark!
VERNE
Wake up! Live, dammit!
CAMEO TWENTY-THREE
Ju- Julian... Send the clone to the bla... thirty-four grey... send the clone... us... use maroon... Uh, hi- Aaaack. Computer, protocol nine ten thir... t-t-t-teen.
(He dies.)
COMPUTER
Voiceprint recognized. Protocol order nine one zero one three is engaged, Lieutenant. You are the highest ranking officer aboard and are now the acting captain, sir. ("Flatline." Pause.) Sir, as your life signs have dropped below tolerance levels for independent brain activity, you may not assume command under current protocol; therefore, command must be passed to the next ranking officer. Ensign Sickle, please report for command.
VERNE
(Is it madness or frustration or both?) I'm heeere! Wake up! Wake up!
COMPUTER
Captain Sickle, as I am unable to communicate with you in your current mind-state, regulations mandate that I may do what is necessary to ensure you are able to report to duty, please stand by for imminent disruption. I will temporarily interrupt power to all decompression chambers in five... four... three... two... one... mark.
(Most likely the most redundant and unnecessary program subroutine verbage in the history of computer programming. A rogue REM statement. I mean, the only person who was able to hear this tree fall in the forest was VERNE, who the computer doesn't even recognize as a sentient being in existence. Milk the arousal of the cloned lad as he is awakened.)
VERNE CLONE
Chewy?
VERNE
He's dead, man, he's dead.
VERNE CLONE
Have I gone mad? Who is that?
COMPUTER
I am the Apollyon 20point12, I was programmed under the-
VERNE CLONE
Computer, hibernate protocol niner.
(Everyone knows that one -- "Hibernate protocol niner" is a kind way for an officer to serve a subordinate a can of Will-You-Please-For-The-Love-Of-God-Shut-The-Hell-Up. It's used by officers everywhere and it's perhaps best used in this instance.)
COMPUTER
Degaussing all terminals, shutting down all non-essential generators and going to sleep in five, four, three, two, one-
(Click.)
VERNE
I know you can hear me.
VERNE CLONE
Yes- Am I crazy? Did it make me crazy? What are you?
VERNE
I'm a friend. I can help. Can you walk?
VERNE CLONE
(Heaves a breath, sees Chewy, lifeless, looking at him, eyes open.) Gimme a second.
VERNE
We don't have a second.
VERNE CLONE
(Gets to the floor and low-crawls.) Where do you need me to be?
VERNE
Can you make it to the generator?
VERNE CLONE
It's in the next room. Yeah. Are you a voice in my head?
VERNE
No.
VERNE CLONE
Are you a ghost?
VERNE
Not yet.
VERNE CLONE
Do you know the way home?
VERNE
I certainly do.
VERNE CLONE
We're here. What's the setting?
VERNE
Pi against maroon, plus red.
VERNE CLONE
What can I use for red?
VERNE
What else? Zero.
VERNE CLONE
Of course. To divide by zero -- the impossible.
VERNE
Now, subset grey thirty four.
VERNE CLONE
Why? The ship can protect me-
VERNE
Type that in and activate the subroutine and then I'll tell you the final number to the equation.
VERNE CLONE
Why that? What does it do?
VERNE
Do it!
VERNE CLONE
Who are you?
VERNE
I am you. You're a clone.
VERNE CLONE
I don't feel like a clone, but if you are the original-
VERNE
Yes, we must reassimilate. Grey Thirty-four.
VERNE CLONE
Yes. Assimilation. That's the right thing to do. Yes. One again. Grey thirty-four. Activating.
(A familiar rising note, a pop, and suddenly -- nothing apparently happens.)
VERNE CLONE (Cont'd)
(Sees VERNE, standing above, looking down, smiling -- healthy and well-groomed:) What happened?
VERNE
(Suddenly moving, completely ignoring VERNE CLONE as he sets the final equation into the Roanoke's quantum generator's control panel.) I can't see you anymore, but I hear you, yet you need to listen. I had to do it this way -- Chewy was right -- if I tried reassimilation now, there was a great chance that you would have been pulled in with me instead of you pulling me out -- so I had to switch our relative positions in space to be sure I- I had to do it this way- it's the only way we can get out-
VERNE CLONE
(Afraid. Feeling its draw:) Out of where? Out of where?
VERNE
(Distantly polite, I suppose, speaking to the tree falling in the forest:) This car's going up, yours is going down. Sorry, you're on the Ghost Ship Roanoke -- you're unfortunately on your way to Oblivion.
VERNE CLONE
(Takes a swing and it goes through VERNE, unnoticed.) You killed me - you bastard!
VERNE
Not really! (Looking into sighting monitor:) There's a chance I can reclaim you down the road -- I have to get away from this star first.
VERNE CLONE
You bastard, I'll kill you! You! Aaasaaaaaaghhh! I completely trusted you! You're me! Why?! Why?!
VERNE
You know, Chewy said you're the evil in me. Perhaps it would be best to leave you there. But then again, I should be thankful; I think your red wave take on the theory is gonna save us... I mean, save me.
VERNE CLONE
I'll kill you!
VERNE
You won't kill me, you can't kill me - you're a part of me.
VERNE CLONE
You son of a bastard, I'll get you, one way or another you will pay for this one -- I will find you -- I will find a way out-
VERNE
There's no way out, brother, just pray that I decide to come back for you later to try to pry you out-
VERNE CLONE
I'll see you again even if I have to drag you to hell myself and you better pray that on that day-
VERNE
Peace, bro.
(Taps a magic button and VERNE CLONE vanishes. The ship begins to shake and rock with turbulence. VERNE jumps across the room with its intermittent artificial gravity and looks out a large porthole, hugging the wall. The ship begins to lift. Moments pass. Nothing, nothing. Suddenly: Light. Bright, beautiful light. More turbulence. VERNE is thrown across the room as the ship rocks. A console nearby sparks and pops and a puff of smoke later, a crackle-sounding static sounding buzz emits from the panel. VERNE touches a button and twists a dial and suddenly we hear:)
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
-Planets. Come in, Roanoke. Can anyone respond?
VERNE
(Smiling, relieved:) Roanoke here! United States Space Ship Roanoke, Acting Captain Sickle -- who is this?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
Captain Kimbo of the United Federation Of- er, The U-S-S-S Plymouth. We've brought a whole convoy of smiling faces and wagging tails to greet you and welcome you home. Please, allow me to welcome you aboard my vessel and offer you and your crew medical aid and hospitality.
VERNE
Boy, am I relieved to hear from you! What's your twenty?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
We're right off your bow! Can't you see us on your T-T-M?
VERNE
T-T-M?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
Trajectoscopic telemetry monitor?
VERNE
Nothing but life support working here -- sometimes the argra sputters out -- what star system are we in?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
Uh- well, you -- that's -- we're the Terran Fleet, Commander. You're twenty-thousand miles from Earth!
VERNE
Earth? I made it!?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
Yes, you made it! Of course you made it! Welcome home! We're sending a boarding party with medical personnel and engineers to tow you in -- how many E-suits do we need to send?
VERNE
What's an E-suit?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
A fancy Lav-suit -- my apologies; some of us forget just how long you've been gone.
VERNE
Wha -- How long have I been gone?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
You'll be debriefed once aboard our ship. We cannot scan your interior or board you; your shields are still fielded at full intensity. How many crew members are on board?
VERNE
Just one -- me. Taking down the shields now; tell your crew they can board safely...
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
You're the sole survivor?
VERNE
Unfortunately so. I'm in the communications ward, sub-level-
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
Sublevel seven, adjacent to the operations room and the escape pods. Your ship's interior is quite known to us, Acting Captain. We're excited that someone aboard is, in fact, alive -- and we cannot wait to meet you in person.
VERNE
Uh, it's a mess here, we haven't been keeping house -- Should I meet your emissaries somewhere else on the ship? I'm moving to the main hall of the ward -- Oh! I see your ship! Is that you?
(There is a large, sleek and very futuristic-looking cruiser out the familiar window of the room. VERNE closes CAMEO TWENTY-THREE'S eyes, still staring at the empty de-com chair.)
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
Yes, that is us. Stay where you are. Our team should be there any second -- we're going to try to see you through your porthole -- it's like being a part of History -- brother, you're about to be the most famous pup in the system. There's a lot of important V-I-Ps on Earth who will want to talk to you- news of finding you is reaching them now as we speak-
(Swish! A pair of dogs walk in on their hind legs, wearing spacesuits and carrying an E-suit fabricated to accommodate anything from a toy poodle to a bull mastiff, but even Billy Barty would have had trouble donning that one. Blood is everywhere. Gasp!)
CAMEO THIRTY-ONE V.O.
He's a human! Oh!
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
You're- a human?
(Another Canine Master Of The Obvious.)
VERNE
Yeah, what's going on here? What's this? What's this all about? Who in Holly's Hammock are you?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
This is... unexpected -- YOU are Dr. Julian Tiberius Oberon Rodham Sickle? Chief Medical Assistant?
VERNE
...And Acting Captain, don't forget that... time in grade means everything to a government paycheck...
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
You're not Dr. Sickle's... pet?
VERNE
Pet?!? No! What the hell is this? A gag?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
Standby, Ensign Sickle. We're relaying this news to higher command.
VERNE
News? What's going on?
(A high pitched whistle sounds in the helmets of the two dogs and they scurry-out from where they came in a hurry, leaving the fallen-in-the-forest E-suit behind.)
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
Dr. Sickle, please, allow me to explain.
VERNE
Yes, please! I sure wish someone would...
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
Laws protecting humans may have been more barbaric in your day. (Explaining:) In this time period, humans are cared for and not left in kennels to be tested upon in laboratories, nor abandoned over black holes. We have a diplomatic team aboard who has been ordered to escort you aboard the Plymouth. We're contacting the Secretary Of The Coalition For Human Affairs to see where they want you once you leave us from here.
VERNE
Want me? Are you guys aliens or something? Did Earth get invaded or something?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
We think that since you're a part of living history, you'll probably get a museum gig with lots of bonuses with little or no work-camp duty.
VERNE
Work-camp duty? What-the-f-
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
We're sending another team over -- a human team. They'll examine you and get you aboard okay.
VERNE
Lemme-see-if-I-got-this-right: I'm floating over Earth in the far future in an alternate reality where dogs rule the galaxy but it's not so bad for us because, after all, dogs are man's best friend so am I hitting the nail dead-on or am I somewhat mistaken here?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
Yes, for the most part, except that man is a dog's best friend, not the other way around like you say.
VERNE
How come I have a feeling that although I just escaped a black hole I am really not out of the woods yet?
(Two space-suited humans enter.)
CAMEO NINE
They wasn't lyin'! He IS human! Hey brother, how'd you git to runnin' this ship all by yo' bad-azzef?
CAMEO SIX-POINT-ONE
Look! He doesn't have to wear a collar!
CAMEO NINE
Where's your collar, cuz?
VERNE
My collar?
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
Yes, for your safety, all humans must wear a collar at all times-
CAMEO NINE
Hibernation Protocol Niner, Captain -- this is a human affair. History slides don't lie -- we're right. The Roanoke is one of ours. He'll get his collar soon enough...
(VERNE smirks; surely he can't have been gone too long if these guys are using the old "niner" saying...)
CAMEO THIRTY V.O.
My apologies, and our warmest wishes toward celebrating your fellow Sapien find -- we'll see you aboard soon for debriefing. Captain Kimbo out.
(Click. Removes helmet -- shocking beauty. Like RONNIE in her origins, yet less melodramatic, the helmet's speaker emitted a manly voice prior to its removal. The other smiling babe follows suit. Both women wear chrome conditioning collars.)
CAMEO NINE
(Smiles:) Welcome home.
CAMEO SIX-POINT-ONE
Hello.
VERNE
Hello! Who are you?
CAMEO SIX-POINT-ONE
The welcoming committee. (Starts unbuckling and unzipping suit.) Welcome home.
VERNE
If you don't mind my sayin' -- you ladies sure are a sight for sore eyes.
CAMEO NINE
Come, Acting Captain...
CAMEO SIX-POINT-ONE
Welcome to the future.
CAMEO NINE
Get your gear and come with us.
VERNE
(Pushes a button and a small rucksack appears near him. Excited:) Anything you say ladies; it sure beats spending another second on this accursed heap of moldy scrap.
CAMEO SIX-POINT-ONE
Also- Mr. Speckle...
VERNE
Sickle...
CAMEO SIX-POINT-ONE
(Casual, but direct:) We here to ask for something from you -- for the good of our specie, of course.
VERNE
Of course. What is it?
CAMEO NINE
(TO CAMEO SIX-POINT-ONE:) Fern, we agreed that we wouldn't ask until we're with Sister Veronica, back aboard the-
CAMEO SIX-POINT-ONE
Gladiola -- Sister, it's just too important of an issue, I think we need to ask him now, before we leave this ship; we can't afford to take any chances -- you know how the dogs are once they-
VERNE
What is it?
CAMEO SIX-POINT-ONE
We're nuns-
VERNE
(He knew it was too good to be true.) Nuns?
CAMEO NINE
We're on a mission for the Church Of Human Growth. Our faith doesn't allow us to believe that meeting you is an accident.
CAMEO SIX-POINT-ONE
Even so, your return was unexpected. By everyone. It's going to be a media circus when you get back. We represent two orders of a unifying human faith that share many of the same goals of the human religions of your time. Everyone on Earth is gonna have a hundred questions, and all of your fellow humans will only want to ask only one thing from you, a very important thing; perhaps a step toward stopping the demise of our noble specie. Our faith seeks to preserve our human heritage; and perhaps because our goals are the loftiest and providence is favoring the two of us on our mission, we are luckily allowed to ask you first.
(She looks to her sister of the faith and the other hottie nods back.)
VERNE
(A last visage of innocence from our beloved protagonist:) Oh yeah? What do you want to ask me?
(They remove their space suits. They're sporting bikinis. As good as it gets. They smile and pose a little. VERNE stares blankly.)
CAMEO SIX-POINT-ONE
(They lick their lips as they look him over:) We cannot ask those already dead, but you, our new hope-
VERNE
Ladies-
BOTH NUNS
(Hugging close; wide-eyed smiling:) Can we have summa ya D-N-A? PRETTY-PLEEZ???
(The Birth Of Nemo.)
CAMPY SEGUE MUSIC
FTB
RUN END CREDITS CHAPTER SEVEN