Scene 5.05 - Yak On The Barbie
EST: INT. Dining Hall -Sundown.
(MARY has a voracious appetite and is enjoying her barbecued Yak. The men can’t keep their eyes off of her.)
DUC
Well, she ain’t a vegetarian.
MARY
I must say, Duc, this bar-ba-coo Yak is delicious.
HUNG
Try a sheep-ka-bob, My own recipe. It’s all in how you stack it.
(She takes it and picks the pieces off and swallows them, barely taking time to chew.)
CHIN
(Pushes a bowl her way.) Don’t forget my bamboo-shoot pudding.
LONG
Only eat that if you want to get the shoots.
(The men laugh.)
DING
That seems to be funny in any language.
DUC
Speaking of-which, Mary, can you explain why we all suddenly understand each other?
MARY
(Between bites, she still seems famished, as if she could eat fifty times her weight.) The Goddess must favor you. Mmmmm! When a person is favored by the Goddess, nothing is impossible. Illusions, deceptions and things that separate people all disappear. Mmmmm. Another sheep-kabob, please.
BUD
What about your people, Mary? My friends don’t believe what you told me about there being no men in your village.
MARY
Well, there used to be men, but they left us and took our children away. Now, they’re the DEA.
HUNG
DEA?
MARY
Descendents of our own tribe, just over those mountain peaks to the West. They want our secrets. May I have another glass of wine? (Three men attempt to serve her at once. HUNG prevails and gives her a full glass.) They plunder our mountain crops and defile our sacred mountain temples every chance they get.
DING
Why would they take your children?
MARY
They wish to know our secrets of youth. They believed taking our children would somehow reveal the Goddess’ powers. Hah! The secret isn’t even a secret. You begin to grow old when you stop thinking as if you were as one who was young. Every child knows that.
DUC
I don’t understand.
MARY
These sheep-ka-bobs are the most! I must make some for the Empress.
BUD
You seem pretty calm about the fact that someone has abducted your child.
MARY
Not my child, children of the others in my tribe. It’s old news, anyway. It all took place thousands of years ago. And me, well, I've never had any children. (She smiles.) I’m still a virgin.
(Silence. The men stare blankly. BUD spits out his wine, choking on it. CHIN slaps his back. The other men have similar reactions and all goes quiet for a second.)
HUNG
(Wide-eyed, food falling from his hand:) Ahhhh...
MARY
(Fondles her hilt.) As High Priestess for the Imperial Temple of The Virgin and champion for the Empress, I have other duties. Mastering warfare leaves little time to care for offspring.
BUD
I’m blown-away by this. They took your kids? Where did they take them?
MARY
To their encampment, where they could be watched. But the Goddess is no fool. They lived normal lives and no secrets were revealed. They lived, died and were buried without ever betraying the Goddess.
DING
So you’re saying that this was some time ago.
MARY
Oh yes, quite a few thousand years ago, to be sure. That's when the problems with the DEA began. No one’s had a child since. Or tried, for that matter.
DUC
How do your people survive?
MARY
We pray to the Goddess and hope for the best.
DUC
No, I mean, without men, how do you make it?
MARY
We were saddened when our men betrayed us. Some of our women wept for decades. (Like a good general, taps water glass to the table and ironically, it's instantly filled with water by men who are memorizing every pore on her face. She gulps it down, wipes her mouth with her sleeve. She sets the glass down again, and again, it is refilled.) After some time and careful thought, we grew accustomed to living in sisterhood and finally accepted it. It’s worked ever since.
DUC
I think your references to time might be a little off. Like, how many moons ago was this?
MARY
Oh, countless. The DEA have been after our secrets for many eons. We battle the descendents of former opponents who seemed like boys only a few moments before, and still, they all keep trying to unlock what was never locked, what can never be locked.
HUNG
Well, I’m confused. Perhaps we could understand better if we spoke to your Empress. You say you’re a couple of days’ travel over that mountain range?
MARY
Hah! One day’s travel. I know all the secret passes to our kingdom.
(The men look at each other.)
BUD
Well, we’ve all decided to help you, Mary Jane. We’ll go back with you to your village and try to end this little war you’ve been having.
MARY
Oh. (Pause.) I am honored that you offer your assistance in fighting the DEA, for they are formidable. Your blindness to their threat either demonstrates your bravery or shows your foolishness, and in either case, truly, I am honored. However, I must decline. I am not going back to my village.
CHIN
What? Why?
MARY
I have a sorceress to find. A warrior who is ridden by a bleeding dragon. She must be near here. Carmella has never been wrong.
DUC
Dragon?
HUNG
You’ve seen dragons?
MARY
Why, yes, lots of them. Most are very friendly, and so smart! Although I had to slay a really nasty one about three thousand years ago.
DING
Three thousand years? Wha- how old did you say you were?
MARY
I didn’t. (She smiles.) Oh Ding, you shouldn’t ask a woman her age. (Coy, flirtatious:) If you must know, I just tipped the scales at fifteen-thousand years.
LONG
Huh-uh. I think you added a couple-ah zeroes there. Chick, you’re more like fifteen. You don’t need to exaggerate with us, don’t worry, it’s not like we’re gonna card you or anything.
MARY
Hmm-ph. I never exaggerate. I say what I mean. (To LONG:) Thank you, though, I’ll take that as a compliment.
HUNG
(Socks LONG’S arm:) Playa.
BUD
Hey, if anybody’s gonna hit-that, it’s gonna be me.
DING
Yeah right, cuz you found her.
(MARY finally puts the food down.)
BUD
I did find her -- in the hot tub.
MARY
Excuse me? (How strange...) Are you all talking about me like I’m not here?
(The men quickly change the subject. Her nearly-empty wine glass is filled.)
MARY (Cont’d)
Sure, I’ll have another glass. Not quite the vintage of the Goddess, but certainly refreshing.
BUD
Mary, we all moved here together two years ago. If there was a woman within fifty miles of us, we would have known. I’m not saying your oracle was wrong, but maybe you didn’t understand her right. All I do know is you could look around these parts for years and you’d have more luck finding a dragon than finding a woman.
(The men agree.)
MARY
That may be so. I didn't hear it directly from her.
HUNG
There you go. Consider the source.
LONG
Yeah, maybe something got lost in translation.
MARY
Oh no! The Goddess is truth, if I have misunderstood her- (She chokes-up.) then I am on the wrong path and I have failed her!
(She starts to cry and the men instantly react, comforting her.)
BUD
Hey! Hey! It’s gonna be alright! The Goddess isn’t displeased with you. You haven’t failed. You’re doing good! Look how you got all of us all weepy-eyed and ready to go kick some DEA butt for you. Don’t you think your oracle saw that coming? You haven’t failed your Goddess, you’re not off the path, you’re just ... at a crossroad in your journey. (The men agree --yeah, yeah, a crossroad.) You’re doing your Goddess right. She’s probably up there in heaven right now, saying “You go, girl!”
MARY
Really?
BUD
Babe, you know it. She thinks you’re the bomb. You’re her number-one priestess, right?
MARY
(Hesitantly:) Yes.
BUD
Right! She’s got your back, girl. And just think of how happy your Empress will be when you’ve brought home six smart guys with guns to help you kick some DEA tail and win the war. Perhaps the oracle saw that, too, and just couldn’t explain it very easily.
MARY
(Composes herself:) Do you think that’s what it is?
BUD
(He moves closer.) It’s gotta be! (Others agree.) We’ll walk up right to your palace gates and tell your Empress that she’s got nothing to worry about no more. We got boxes of guns and ammo buried all over this place! Ain’t no DEA gonna bother you girls ever again, right guys?
(Sure of themselves, they whole heartedly agree. MARY feels better, excited at the prospect of victory. BUD is inches away from her face, closing in for the kill.)
MARY
Yes, I believe you. (She stands up and breaks away, full of energy. BUD has his eyes closed and is all puckered-up. He is thrown-back by her chair moving from the table.) We must pack immediately. We haven’t a moment to lose.
LONG
Sit down, relax, have another glass of wine, we’ll easily be ready by daybreak-
MARY
No! We must travel by night, and cover our tracks. The DEA cannot know the secret passes to my home. What they have forgotten and what little has been passed down to their sons is all they must ever know of the Goddess. We must leave within the hour.
(Pause.)
BUD
Well, you all heard the lady. Let’s get cracking.
(They shuffle to pack. MARY smiles at BUD.)
MARY
I want to thank you for what you and your friends are doing. You are all very brave.
BUD
Don’t sweat it. It’s nothing, really. We’re glad to help a lady in distress. Besides, we got a Gatling Gun.
MARY
What’s a gattle-eengun?
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