Scene 5.03 - Rub-A-Dub-Dub
EST: Nepalese Temple - Day.
CU: BUD’S BACK
(BUD GREEN is scrubbing his back with a custom, bamboo back scrubber. He is taking a very sudsy bath, although the water is clear and continually-fed from an underground mineral spring with the excess flowing-out-of twelve ornate fountains at the edge of the large basin. His dragon tattoo across his back moves as he sings.)
ZOOM OUT
BUD
Oh yes, I like the ladies, like the girl at Miss O’Grady’s, a beauty of the eighties, an’ tho her doggy's got the rabies, I still love her baaaaabies -
(He sinks below the waterline. MARY JANE comes up for air on the other end, gasping for breath, nude, holding her scabbard. BUD bobs up and stops singing.)
MARY
(Stands.) What? Who are you?
BUD
Whoa! They said this temple was haunted, but-
MARY
(Draws sword without a second breath.) Where did you come from, what man dares to defile this place? (Moves to him; all the suds seem to cover the right places, like a soap Bikini. As any good warrior does, MARY JANE bathes with her sword and scabbard. She brandishes it, pointing it at his throat.) Explain! (Props a foot on the side of the basin next to his head, leans in.) What happened here? Who are you?
BUD
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Easy, lady, easy! I was just stopping off here to take a bath. I’m not here to fight, just to take a bath!
MARY
How did you get in here without my knowing? You snuck up on me and destroyed the temple! Look at it! It is in ruins!
BUD
No, no no! I was just passing through. I haven’t done anything to this temple. I just ran some bath water. I- I- I just wanted some suds! See! Suds! (Shows her.) Suds! A bubble-bath!
MARY
Perhaps I have changed somehow. This holy basin, the mystic spring -
BUD
Yeah, holy, holy, holy basin, all is cool now, now whatcha say you put the sword down and we can just get clean in here, okay? So Lady, can you just lower that big knife you got there? (Points to gun, then down the trail.) See, my gun is out of reach, Lady? Listen, I got friends down the hill that's gonna come lookin' for me.
MARY
(Doesn’t give a second glance to the pistol.) The Dragonback Mountains, they look different somehow. I must investigate. I need footwear.
BUD
(To no one in particular, perhaps the cosmos:) Out here in the middle of nowhere, no one around, in a hot tub, all alone, I just think about touching it just one time and this is what I get. (Choked-up with fear:) Some paranoid, naked chick on some bad-acid trip, (wincing, maybe he’s gonna cry:) gonna give me a Columbian-necktie just to steal my shoes.
(I’m sure that’s about as bad as it gets.)
MARY
No, no! There’s The Snowy Falls. Explain this trickery! Why is this place different? Where are my things?
CU: BUD with sword near jugular vein.
(Then again...)
BUD
Easy! Boots are right over there by my pack. Easy! You’re in Nepal, okay? You know, the Himalayas? You gotta remember crossing those foothills. You know that much, right? I mean, what, are you an American, too? I mean we all talk crazy sometimes and maybe eat the wrong berry now and then, but you’re speaking English, and crazy-talk in English makes more sense than normal-talk in a language I don’t understand. But Lady, what I do understand is that blade is really close to my neck, so maybe you can see I ain’t gonna hurt you so maybe you don’t want to hurt me? Lady?
CU: MARY’S FACE
MARY
(Casually leans the sword against her raised leg, pulls ribbon from scabbard, puts hair in a ponytail.) I was sent here. The Goddess has brought me here to fulfill the oracle’s prophecy. Perhaps this is a test.
CU: BUD
BUD
Sure. Sounds reasonable enough. Sent by your Goddess, sure. That’s along the lines of what I'm thinking, too. And uh, by the way, those suds have been rolling down your... sword for a-while now, and I can’t help but notice that cute, little heart-shaped birthmark right next to your - (She grabs his tunic from the side of the basin, accidentally-slaps him with the wet part of it as she throws it over her head.) Sure, you can wear that. Looks good on you.
MARY
I’m looking for a powerful sorceress. A warrior with supernatural powers. Have you seen such a woman?
BUD
(Pause, did he hear right?) No, can’t say I have. You’re the first woman I’ve talked to since my girlfriend back in the States ran off with that (Shouts back as if his former-fiancee could somehow hear him over the next mountain range:) loser bartender!
MARY
Very well, peasant, I believe you. The simple gape of your slack jaw and the dim light in your eye explain it all. And your childish speech makes it obvious. You know nothing. (Turns.) I will follow this road and look for her elsewhere.
BUD
(Introspective:) Of course, there were plenty of women at the airports, but I wanted a longer relationship than one between departures.
MARY
Now it is you who speaks with a crazy tongue. Maybe it’s a birth defect. As dim-witted as you appear to be, you pack your gear well. (Throws to the ground clothing items that BUD will hastily don later in the scene.) Prepared. Organized. Efficient. Like a soldier. I've heard of imbeciles that can excel in one task, while failing in all others. Hmm. (To BUD:) Can you fight, dim-witted one?
(Grabs a cord from BUD’S pack, fashions a belt, rifles through his pack while he watches her.)
BUD
Then there was that old lady that traded the Yaks last year because her husband had three bunions, and of course, it’s considered bad luck around here to walk on (Holds up three fingers to himself, caught up in his own yammering.) -- three bunions, so instead, his wife visited us. Imagine us, a bunch of guys vowed to celibacy, who haven’t seen anything short of whiskers for a year, and here comes this sexy ol’ gramma tryin’ to pawn off some underfed cattle. Go figure. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a vow I think I could break with the right person, if she had a good personality -- You know what they say, "You ain’t had a lady, until she’s hit eighty." (Although SHE hears it, MARY isn’t in the slightest concerned with BUD’S dialog and just shoots a look back out of annoyance, if anything.) -- And I might o’ hit that, cuz I had the chance you know, plus, I saw her checking me out, too. But since she was married and all, and whirlwind affairs don’t last long, and since she was half-a-century-older-than me; those bones get pretty brittle at that age, and I could have broken a pelvis or two at that point, I'd thought better of it and-
MARY
(Abruptly and flatly:) This conversation is pointless.
(Dries blade across his pack, sheaths it in HER lacquered, waterproof scabbard and while doing so, BUD can’t help but notice HER bending over, he glances downward to HIS lap in the water, quickly leans forward a little but MARY doesn’t notice. As SHE jumps from the edge of basin to near BUD’S pack, SHE visually inspects the outer pockets while BUD visually inspects her. SHE looks better than good, SHE'S a dungeon-master’s dream girl.)
BUD
(Not standing-up in the basin, scuttles to his robe --walks, squatting, holding the rim of the basin:) Maybe so, but hey, hey, why don’t we talk a little? I don’t get much conversation around here, people don’t speak much English.
MARY
(She stops.) That strange word again: English. What's that?
BUD
English? It’s the language we’re speaking -- don’t you know? You know, like American? Did a missionary come through here and teach it to you or something?
MARY
You speak Foolishness. I speak with the voice of the Goddess. Truth has only one language.
POV: behind BUD, facing MARY
BUD
(Gets up and steps out, furtively grabbing the robe near him, and quickly puts it on, neither the dragon tattoo or evidence of his arousal in MARY'S sight.) That’s funny, that’s what they say about love.
MARY
(Puts on a pair of BUD’S boots.) You mentioned friends, they're not related, are they? (Cocks head, looks at his slack jaw, serious and compassionate:) Is your idiocy a family trait?
BUD
Like I said, help yourself, I got another pair of boots in, the very bottom, of my pack. (Suddenly reacts to MARY handling his weapon.) Oh-
MARY
(Casually picks up gun with one hand, mildly curious at finding sunglasses with her other hand. The gun is pointed right at him. She steps in.) This is pretty, what does this do? (BUD puts both hands forward in protest, sees her interest in the shades, pantomimes putting on glasses, MARY JANE casually throws gun aside, BUD reacts, it doesn’t go off, imitates BUD’S motion and sees a tinted world.) Oh wow!
BUD
Keep ‘em, they look good on you. About my friends, see that brown speck down the mountain there? That’s the hermitage, I can show you where-
(She wears the cap backwards.)
MARY
I am looking for a special woman.
BUD
Aren’t we all?
MARY
A woman who is ridden by a dragon.
BUD
(Pictures the thought as he turns the cap around on her head; bill forward.) I think you mean it the other way around, doncha?
MARY
I mean what I say.
BUD
Either way, you’ll have a tough time finding who you’re looking for, but I’m sure the guys at the hermitage might know. Women are scarce around these parts, and besides, everybody knows there’s no such thing as dragons.
MARY
Hah! You squawk like a blind shepherd. Dragons are everywhere. (Proud:) Why, I’ve even slain one myself.
(Unconsciously reaches for her dragon’s tooth necklace, she is reminded it is absent, left back; before...)
BUD
(Follows her, looks around for hidden cameras and microphones.) Okay, I’ll bite. Who are you, really? Did the guys put you up to this to freak me out? Most have cost a pretty penny to get you out here. Is there a hidden camera? You an actress?
MARY
(Courtesy bow, unsheathes sword, presents arms:) I am General Mary Jane, from the Empire of Kron, Commander of The Imperial Elite, High Priestess Of The One Divine Goddess Of The Universe and Primary Consort to the Oracle Of The Virgin. (Sheaths sword and bows like a man.) My palace lies ten miles across that mountain range -- I think. (Turns, re-orients.) Things look very strange here; especially you. I’ve never seen a birth-defect encompass an entire body before. Does it hurt? (No answer, pulls and ties boot-laces.) I must find this dragon woman so she may save my people from darkness.
BUD
What a coincidence. Sounds like we’re two peas in a pod. My name’s Bud Green and I’m from the United States of America, over ten thousand miles over (points) that mountain range. (She doesn’t look up.) I’m returning to the hermitage after a long pilgrimage to renew my vows of celibacy-
MARY
(Shaking head, relaxed, casual, ready to go.) Who you are and why you are here does not concern me. You really are of no importance to me- (Clasps left hand on his shoulder, out of patronizing comraderie and pity:) However, Bud Green, you did give me something to wear, for which, in time, I will give you just compensation. (Playfully shakes his shoulder.) For now, be thankful you still have your head, for the Goddess does not take kindly to trespassers, even ones with miraculous charms. (Boops his nose, smiles. Takes-sunglasses-off and looks at them.) I like this, and I wish to keep it. Name your price, for I am no vagabond nor highway ruffian. (Looks through them without putting them on.) I like this because it darkens the sun and allows me to see better across the snow. The local band of Yeti and their pack of white wolves shan’t steal from our gardens, graineries or pens THIS season, I’ll tell you that! (Socks his arm. Puts them back on, pinches his shoulder affectionately, almost like a massage.) Name your price, I shall have the Empress compensate you richly when I return home.
BUD
(Starts getting dressed. It just felt too good to be real.) Consider those to be yours, for free. (Breaks away slowly, crosses to pack.) I got them at a convenience store in Pakistan, and wouldn’t you know it, there was an American behind the counter! (She doesn’t get it.) Keep them. A gift from me. Besides, they make you look cool.
MARY
Cool?
BUD
You know, like fly.
MARY
Fly?
BUD
Radical.
MARY
What?
BUD
Foxy.
MARY
So it is a birth defect. (Quickly points, factually, nods some as she looks away, very sure of herself.) I've seen this very same behavior in our two-headed livestock.
(Turns.)
BUD
Hey! Fah-getta-boud-it, they look really good on you.
MARY
Who does?
BUD
Those.
MARY
This?
BUD
Those. They’re a pair. Like socks.
MARY
What is socks?
BUD
What are socks.
MARY
What?
BUD
Forget everything I’ve said, your English is good enough for me, forget I said anything.
MARY
I’d like to do that. (Pause.) How can that be done?
BUD
(Blankly:) How can what be done?
MARY
How can I make myself forget everything you said? Should I chant or something?
BUD
Ha. You’re serious.
MARY
Haaalaaaam aaaaaalaaaam haaaaaluuuuum oooooohhhhhhmmmmmm.
BUD
Tell you what, I’ll teach you a road song we can sing together, and I bet it’s got a lot of words that you don’t know.
MARY
Really? What a neat way to learn something! A march! You must teach me this song...
BUD
(Fishes out last boot and shoulders pack.) Okay. I’m going that way, I could travel with you.
MARY
Very well. But keep up! I do not shorten my steps for children, the elderly or the lame.
BUD
Lame? (Dons pack, rushes to her, skipping, putting on last boot.) Who’s she calling lame? (Retrieves his pistol, catches up with her.) Okay, the preface of this song kinda starts out like, “Bud, your rocket-thrusted warhead, is bound for my velvety, polyester air-lock...”
(As they walk, it begins to lightly snow, he ties off the final boot.)
MARY
How strange. What’s a rocket-thrusted warhead?
BUD
Like a smile, from far away.
MARY
Oh! What’s a palley ezder airlock?
BUD
Okay, forget about polyester, the song doesn’t need it as long as you sing everything else in a real, slow, breathy voice.
MARY
Oh. Oh, I see! Like the march: “A strong breath is a strong step,” that’s one of my favorites! You wanna learn some of my cadences? I know thousands of them! “A horse kills a horse of course, of course-”
BUD
Perhaps after we get through this first song. Velvety air-lock...
MARY
(In step.) Velvety, air-lock. What’s an air-lock again?
BUD
Like the petals of a pink, dew-covered flower...
MARY
Oh, okay... Well, if that’s what it means, may I just say flower? I’m still stuck on that smile part, you know, the rocket-thrusted warhead part.
BUD
Perfectly fine by me.
(Drops pack momentarily. Gives her a spare coat. Dons one himself.)
MARY
Shall we sing it together?
BUD
It’s a duet; I’ll just fill in with the other verses...
MARY
Terrific... Bud, your rocket-thrusted warhead, is bound for my velvety flower...
(Subtly, on the summit of the cliff above them, two unobtrusive, ominous, shadowy figures in dark robes loom overhead, watching the pair walk down the snowy trail. The figures move away as the shot fades, making the eye notice them for the first time.)
FTB