Scene 5.03 - Revenge Of The Nerds
INT. 13th Floor Penthouse, Leah's Luxury Suites, A Moment Later
(It's a moment later. The men have begun to look around the apartment. VERNE just keeps stoicly looking out the window. Newcomers to Hollywood should only be greeted with the finest of cameos. After all, isn't everyone pretty for fifteen frames?)
HEINLEIN
(Bouncing his butt on a bed:) Wow! This place is big! There's at least five bedrooms in here!
WELLS
(Opens refrigerator, grabs snacks, veggies and ice, enough for everyone:) And a kitchen!
SIMAK
(Making drinks:) Aye, and a wet-bar now!
CLARKE
(At television:) Interesting. This appears to be a communication device of some sort.
VERNE
Well, at least our schwag got through with us intact. Aladdin's Elevator is now Aladdin's Area-Rug, and all our high-tech stuff now looks like a bunch of medieval audio-visual... crap. (This is when he puts two and two together.) And us, well... maybe it's what we get for messing with our fate. Well, at least one thing is tried-and-true throughout the ages.
(VERNE lights a blunt. He immediately passes it and turns and looks out the large window again, seeing his own reflection in the glass. He begins fondling his pistol's hand-grip.)
HEINLEIN
(Looks in mirror:) I don't understand it, Mr. Clarke, why are we in these ludicrous outfits?
CLARKE
Humans of the Late-Second-Millenium were known to lean toward the outrageous in fashion.
SIMAK
Aye, with all the repression and tyranny and misinformation going around, it's really no wonder at all. It musta been the only way they could express themselves now.
WELLS
Freedom of expression, I've read about that in U-S History. Maybe we're entertainers. I have a musical instrument, even though I doh-no how to play it. And what's with all these bells?
(VERNE draws his revolver, no one notices. He checks to see if it's loaded; it is.)
CLARKE
It could explain why we are so diverse, perhaps we've become ethnic diplomats from other lands.
MUSIC: OMINUS, SERIOUS
(VERNE spins the revolver's chamber, puts it to his head. Mood music, like in Lethal Weapon.)
HEINLEIN
But we're in the Twentieth Century! They're cave-men! This don't make no sense, who are we?
(Also a la Lethal Weapon, VERNE tries under the chin, no, in the mouth, that's the sure place. "Don't nibble on the barrel...")
SIMAK
Aye, just who are we now? Why is he in hottie-pants, and Doctor, you're wearing tights now!
(VERNE pulls the hammer back, bites the barrel, looks up, closes eyes. We see his teeth.)
CLARKE
Well, at least it's obvious who the captain is, at least we are certain of that much.
VERNE
(Slowly opens eyes, slowly pulls the gun from his mouth, turns, perhaps it's false hope, soft:) Wha- What?
CLARKE
Well, it's obvious. You're the Lone Avenger, the legendary, masked ranger of the Wild West.
(VERNE pushes his hat up with his gun barrel, the gun still held in both of his hands. He drops his forehead to the barrel, as if resting his head on it. His brim of his hat touches the window as he leans on it a bit. He's drained, sweaty, like the parent of a lost child who was suddenly found again. After a long pause, he uncocks and holsters his pistol and takes a deep breath, finally able to speak.)
MS: VERNE
VERNE
(Clearly moaning:) Oh! Now that's a relief... I thought we'd become The Village People...
(Give it a few beats, I'm in tears. WELLS serves snacks, hits and passes the blunt to SIMAK.)
MUSIC: Heavy mood music ends with lively, disco beat
WELLS
Yes, I see it now. You're the masked man, and Smokey's your trusted, one-quarter-Native-American, one-quarter Amerasian, one-quarter Mexican-American, one-quarter Scottish scout-
SIMAK
Aye, you mean I'm-
WELLS
That's right: Pronto, chief medicine-man for the hidden, lost Indica tribe.
SIMAK
If that were-a so, I would-a have me never-ending medicine-bag of stash, now. (Finds it, it's loaded with huge buds, produces one rolled all Injun-like:) Oh, wha? Well, what'd'ya know!
HEINLEIN
Well hey, don't waste no time, spark it up!
VERNE
If I somehow really have become the Lone Avenger, legend has it that I could shoot the pistol from another man's hand. (Hands revolver to CLARKE.) Point this gun at me, Clarke, I wanna try an experiment.
CLARKE
(Holding it like it's a snake or an alien device or something:) Sir?
VERNE
Point that thing at me, but don't shoot. (Looks off, massages his invisible five-o'clock shadow:) I can't remember if he was supposed to be the fastest draw or not.
CLARKE
Err, okay, sir.
(CLARKE points the gun, VERNE draws and shoots quickly and gracefully. Unfortunately, his aim ain't as good as the speed of his draw, and he shoots an oil painting of Gainsborough's Blue Boy square between the eyes. The painting's an appropriation, a replica, a copy. [We would hope so.])
ECU: Smoking bullet hole
ZOOM OUT
WHIP PAN TO VERNE
VERNE
Well, apparently I haven't yet acquired all of the Lone Avenger's skills.
CUT TO:
MS: CLARKE and painting
(It missed CLARKE'S head by inches.)
CLARKE
Apparently not.
(CLARKE, examining the painting, sticks an index finger into the hole from the other side and wiggles it. He turns and looks back at VERNE, tosses his pistol back to him. There are a few thumps from the floor. The men look down, pause, look at each other and dismiss it since they have no idea where it came from, what caused it or why the noise occured in the first place.)
VERNE
Smokey, see if you can chuck that tomahawk with any accuracy.
SIMAK
Aye, whatcha want me to be-a aimin' for?
VERNE
Doctor-
WELLS
If you think I'm going to put an apple on my head so he can throw an axe at me, I'll use that free-spin now.
VERNE
(Beat.) Your what?
WELLS
My "get out of jail free" card. My carte-blanche to ensure no one does anything too crazy.
VERNE
No, Doctor, I'm still sane, I think. I just wanna see that guitar-looking thing you got there.
WELLS
Oh, why didn't you say so? Here, have it, I sure doh-no how to play it. Want the bells, too?
VERNE
(Bravely holds it with an outstreched arm:) No, no, this is fine. Okay, Smokey, letter-fly.
(Bull’s-eye! The instrument shatters into many small pieces, he chucks-it to near the phone.)
CLARKE
Is there a point to all this destruction, sir?
VERNE
Rob, come here. You're supposed to be some kind of super-hero, right?
HEINLEIN
Yeah. Huh. That's funny.
VERNE
What's funny?
HEINLEIN
A moment ago, I didn't know who I was. Now I know! I'm the hero to the underprivleged and champion of justice in the dark, crime-ridden streets of Haarlem. I'm The Hazy Crazy Ghettoman!
CLARKE
(Raises eyebrow:) The Hazy Crazy Ghettoman? Yes, somehow I know about you. Aren't you supposed to be invincible with biceps-of-bedrock and abs-of-steel? A set of magic brass-knuckles that allows you to beat the truth out of the bad guys?
HEINLEIN
Yes. They’re called my lie-detectors. Yeah, and I think I can defy the Earth's gravity as well.
VERNE
We'll test that theory when we're on the ground floor. Whether The Hazy Crazy Ghettoman or not, no jumping from the balcony, Lieutenant; that's an order.
HEINLEIN
Aye, sir.
VERNE
Abs-of-steel, huh? (Was pacing, turns, fist to chin, thumb to jawline, index finger tapping lips, elbow resting in other hand; stops:) Okay, Rob, I'm gonna hit you in the center of your stomach, but not too hard cuz I don't want to break my knuckles.
HEINLEIN
(Puts fists on hips in Superman pose, confident:) Gimme your best shot, sir.
(VERNE does, hitting him a few inches below the oval-encircled, black 420 enblazoned on his chest. HEINLEIN doubles over, VERNE catches him, helps him sit. Takes joint from CLARKE and hands it to the security officer, as if it will provide the needed, medicinal comfort.)
VERNE
Sorry, Lieutenant; I had to know; this might help; apparently you're not at a hundred percent.
HEINLEIN
(Lightly exhales, passes it back, the wind is knocked out of him:) No sir, I guess I ain't.
VERNE
(Taking joint, begins the Big Bogart. Stands directly under the smoke detector, not realizing that his mondo hits of future dank are sure to set-off the sensitive alarm.) I've got a theory, gentlemen, hear me out. Nature is presenting an opportunity. Across all of life's little anomalies we have learned this; we are who we say we are. Perhaps we are presented a choice, to accept these identities as our own and live up to the call of the paladin and defend justice and smite evil, as surely we must to stop The Baron and his mob of misguided minions-
WELLS
(Just trying to get the joint, but VERNE thinks WELLS is signaling to hit it so VERNE hits it again and continues, not passing the joint.) Julie, that's all well and good, but-
VERNE
Or the choice to cast aside these personas and take-on The Baron with our old personas, our old, weak, personas. Men who are but shadows of us today. (He even gestures with it! Does he think it's a baton?) Men who never escaped a billion-year prison cell, men who never discovered abstract examples of our evolution in a place so remote that it boggles the mind-
CLARKE
(His turn, VERNE gets another hit this way:) Yes, Tellusian life is very interesting, but-
VERNE
Men who, heretofore, had never dreamed that time-travel was possible, and now we have done it twice! (Tokes:) And perhaps again... and again!
(He's sure hitting it again and again. He swaps hands as he sees the men reaching for it.)
SIMAK
(HEINLEIN shrugs to him, he doesn't bother to approach VERNE to even attempt to retrieve it.) Aye sir, but did we-a take-a the tents with us when we were-a camping so?
VERNE
(Double-hits it, puts up finger, like wait, wait, there's more... No one says anything because they think he's gonna pass it, but alas!) I, for one, choose to continue becoming the man this world is molding me to be, and if it means leaving the old Jules T. R. Verne behind, so be it!
(The smoke alarm goes off. Saved by the bell. As VERNE ducks slightly, turns around, still ducking, straightens-up and walks slowly toward it, VERNE tries to touch it, move it, pound on it with his fist, then strikes it with the butt of his trusty six-shooter, and finally resorts to putting the remaining five rounds of golden bullets into the squawking thing's unholy, noisy innards. It shut-up on the third shot, because VERNE is getting better with his accuracy, however, out of spite, VERNE'S quick and irritated trigger finger easily finds its mark an additional two times for good measure. WELLS cooly palms the joint which VERNE finally passes old-school-style with no resistance.)
CLARKE
What was that thing? I thought my ears were going to melt!
SIMAK
Aye, with-a noise-a like-a that one, I wonder if the whole-kit-and-kaboodle ain't all-amiss; I'll look around for more o' them, Captain.
WELLS
I say it with certainty: That was the most annoying noise I've ever heard!
HEINLEIN
Why did it do that? Was it supposed to do that? Why was it in the wall?
VERNE
Beats me. It looks like some kind of grate, and you'd think some kind of sick animal was behind there from the way it sounded, but it has to be mechanical. They put that in there on purpose! Tsk-ah-wh! I'm as clueless as you are gentlemen, as to why they-
(The phone rings. Everyone immediately looks to that direction. They stare at it and slowly approach. A few more rings, then VERNE, holding the barrel of the gun, arm outstretched, slides it to the left a few inches. Not wanting to get too close, being maybe a bomb, he switches sides. It still rings, he taps it again from the other side and the receiver falls from its cradle. The irritating noise stops.)
VERNE (Cont'd)
(One breath:) What is with these people and all their noises? Do they like to hear this stuff?
WELLS
Well, Julie, they're probably lonely. You know, this might explain the origins of Bluegrass music.
CLARKE
Affirmative. Yes, a question our anthropologists have been seeking the answer to for quite some time. Perhaps our ear canals are more evolved than theirs, Captain.
VERNE
That can't be it. There's more to this... What else you got, Clarke?
CLARKE
Our problems may be due to temporal incongruities. Perhaps, as Chief Engineer Simak seems to note in his analysis of the situation, these machines are all malfunctioning due to the fact that something is... amiss.
SIMAK
Amiss? Aye, that's the word for it. Amiss. You mean-a like all-our-a time-travels and-a what-not was amiss. Aye. We've surely shucked-and-shimmeyed the sheep-shank-shuffle three-sheets-to the shifting-showers now.
HEINLEIN
Huh?
SIMAK
Aye, it's all gone to the dogs, laddies. From going to-and-fro and hither-yon-tither and helter-skelter and upsey-downsey to all-ends o' the spectrum, aye, my analysis of the situation is dire. Aye. We've got The Whole Universe all-up-inside her celestial-skivvys now, and that’s sure to have gotten the attention of the law, now. We done-
CLARKE
It’s-
SIMAK
(Not going to let CLARKE step on his line:) Aye. We done-gone and leaped before we looked, now.
CLARKE
It’s poss-
SIMAK
(With about as much kind respect as one artist can afford a fellow actor who’s saying his line before his cue:) Now, Mr. Clarke, what mayja think I was a-done talkin’ now? I ne’-’er say but-an-Aye-and-a-now er’-’ry once-in-a-while and now I gots a-plenty to say and here’s old Mr. Monologue who lectures us er’-’ry-other-minute about what time it is all-walking-over my only speech where I get to camp on my own phatty now. (Pause. Produces blunt. Milk-it.) Now, I was talkin’ about them time-cops now. They’re all that-a can ever come-a after us after all-a that hulla-balloo back on Tellusia. Now we don't need to get whisked-away to some penal colony for being lost, para-temporal misfits, no sir. (Blazes the phatty.) I say now as I've said all-along. (Hits it. Looks to the men as if it should be hauntingly-familiar to the gents who are hearing it for the first time. Hits it. We see subtle recognition in some faces. Hits it. Some look to CLARKE, relishing his faux pas. Hits and holds it in, being a little kind by breaking the silence a beat or two early:) Let's do as me granpappy says and avoid the reef altogether. Let's stay in drydock awhile, lads. As for this notion of more time-travels an' all. (Offer blunt to CLARKE, face open, spoken with over-articulated measure; obviously feeding him the correct cueline:) Now we doh-na need to go there, now.
CLARKE
(Courtesy toke:) It's possible, we were brought here by providence. The Baron knows why this time is important. Perhaps he's making a temporal bomb. (Passes it.) It seems logical.
VERNE
(Hits it deeply, as if he hasn’t had a hit all day:) Secure our stash; don't take risks. (Exhales.) Put making a Zeta counter at the top of our to-do list. (Passes it for a change.) The Baron knows this time period as well as I do; he knows that it’s the end.
WELLS
This certainly looks similar to all the Pre-Armegeddon movies I’ve seen. (Puff.) I’d sure like to get a look at their pharmacies. Pills and tablets and suppositories -- filling people up and emptying them again like they were Pez dispensers! (Puff.) One gap in the D-N-A library and- (Passes to HEINLEIN, turns head toward CLARKE -- A spark within:) Clarke! Do you think that because we're so far back in time we could maybe somehow prevent-
CLARKE
Affirmative, it could be our only opportunity to prevent humanity from the breeding-problem. Perhaps we are here for that very reason. This may quite possibly be the only chance our race has to skirt the certain, predestined fate that has loomed over us for these many eons.
HEINLEIN
Hippies be damned for what they didn’t do; I’m on board with you. (Deep toke, passes it to SIMAK, who nurses it some more.) This was the bad time. Apathy. If there's anything I can do to make the future better for the human race, I'll do it, even if it means risking the preservation of my own D-N-A code and my unique allotment on the Zetan Supreme High-
(There is a knock at the door. HEINLEIN answers it. VERNE'S back is to the door. The person knocking at the door is a characterization of the modern-day actor who is actively playing VERNE. Henceforth, I will substitute the actors' and actress' names with Actor Alpha and such. Have the actor use their full stage name when I write Actor Alpha. Example: Donald Diamond is Actor Zulu and Donnie is Zulu. Don is Z, and Mr. Zulu means Mr. Diamond. Actor-Z would be a nickname or a pet name, like Double-D. Get it? I hope so, or you’re gonna get hopelessly confused if you aren’t already. And even if you’re still 110% with me thus far, just wait, there’s more...)
ACTOR ALPHA
Hey guys, what's with all the noise?
VERNE
That's what we're asking! (Turning:) Hey, you're-
ACTOR ALPHA
Actor Alpha, yeah I know, you hated the sequel to Only The Good Die Young, I’ve heard it twenty times today. Just know I was stuck in a contract so don't blame me for it, okay? Anyway, I live downstairs -- right downstairs; I was trying to watch the end of Hush, Hush Sweet Violet and get a few laughs-in when... what do you think I heard?
VERNE
What?
ACTOR ALPHA
I heard gunshots. Coming from up-here. What gives, huh? Someone get shot? Need me to tell somebody to call someone?
VERNE
(Beat, they're all in shock:) Sorry 'bout that; I think we've gotten rid of all the noise-makers.
ACTOR ALPHA
Except for that one. Is it a video-game controller or something?
VERNE
This? No, no, it's Jessie, my pearl-handled, trusty, six-shooter, and her twin-sister, Jennie.
ACTOR ALPHA
So those are real pistols? They look antique. Mind if I look at one?
VERNE
Sure, here. (Puts arm around him, coaxes him to the couch, nods to SIMAK and SIMAK'S down with the drinkage.) Come on in, stay a while, you seem like a nice-enough guy.
ACTOR ALPHA
If you want to fire-off your gun around here, you should check the roof. Then again, if you want SWAT snipers and hostage-negotiators here in no-time-flat, just take it to the balcony or anyplace outside where they can see you, which is just about everywhere nowadays. Yeah, I like this old revolver you got here. (Dumps-out shell casings onto his lap.) Are these real gold bullets?
VERNE
(At least he understood the last part:) They're golden all right; the real McCoy.
ACTOR ALPHA
Wow. When you guys get in costume, you go all-out.
VERNE
What do you mean?
(The men are fascinated and start passing the half-smoked blunt around some more.)
ACTOR ALPHA
You know, the spirit of Halloween and all. Hey, I'm hosting a party tonight at my cool pad, you guys all look great, why don't you come on down later, make an appearance and show off your outfits?
VERNE
Well, we may have other engagements, but we appreciate the open invite. Sounds fun.
ACTOR ALPHA
And speaking of... party, uh, is that, well, it's not like I don't know what it is, but...
VERNE
Oh, the spleef? Sorry, my guys are complete bogarts.
(He snaps his fingers two times impatiently and points behind ACTOR ALPHA'S back, since VERNE has nearly got his arm around him, yet strangely, ACTOR ALPHA doesn't find it uncomfortable or weird. The crew look to one another with their own, respective Captain Nemo looks and exchange them with each other; like handshakes at the onset of a Lions’ Club meeting. VERNE never sees it.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Your guys? (To WELLS:) Hmmm. Is that why you still feather your hair? (To VERNE:) Do you all work for Leah or something?
CLARKE
Leah? Our Leah?
ACTOR ALPHA
Leah Zale, you know, the landlady? Wait-a-minute. You're chillin' in her crib, and you don't know? Are you guys supposed to be in-
VERNE
Petite, totally-fine, curly dark hair with a white stripe beauty with grace like a gazelle and a temper like a child?
ACTOR ALPHA
Yeah, that's her to a T. Does she know you're shooting guns in here? She won't like that.
CLARKE
We're not sure if she even knows we're here. We wish to contact her, but we do not know how.
ACTOR ALPHA
Well, you can always call her.
(CLARKE steps to the television set.)
CLARKE
Yes, of course. Can you instruct me on how to operate this device? Will it reveal her precise location?
ACTOR ALPHA
Ha! You're funny. I like how you keep in character. I hope you're all like this tonight; except you, masked man. Don't go shooting holes in my walls. So, are you all singers or something?
(ACTOR ALPHA chucks aside the broken guitar-thing and picks up the phone, the line still open, a patient doorman on the other end.)
ACTOR ALPHA (Cont'd)
Huh, her phone got knocked-over. Hello? Hey Carlton. No, it's me, Actor A, Apartment 12. Nah, I'm just chilling up here with some pals of Leah's. Fire alarm? No, not here. Well, tell them to go back or to get a cat out of a tree, cuz the only fire I got is cooking something I don’t want the fuzz or any fire marshall to see me smoking, you dig? Right. Must be that same computer virus that keeps setting mine off. Yeah, deactivate them both entirely. At least until tomorrow, maybe fix mine for good- Hey, while I got you on the line, Carlton, canya send four or five of the buckets of the hot wings for tonight up to thirteen right now? Yeah, up here in thirteen. Nah, charge it to me. You're a gem, Carlton, and I mean that sincerely. Caio.
CLARKE
We'd better come clean, Captain; I think we're gonna have a problem understanding these people.
VERNE
You're right, we're gonna need outside help, and this man has a face I feel I can trust.
SIMAK
Oy vey! Captain, we're-a fish out of da water now! We're outsiders! He can't-a help us, sir!
WELLS
He's a native of this place, perhaps the captain's right, he knows things we don't.
ACTOR ALPHA
What's the problem? One of you guys need a work visa or something?
VERNE
Perhaps, depending on what a wervisa is. I'm afraid we're just gonna have to trust you.
ACTOR ALPHA
It's refreshing to hear you talk of trust. I seldom hear talk in this city of real trust; outside of people talking about brushing their teeth with a director’s-
VERNE
Well, that's just it, we're not from this city. We're visitors.
ACTOR ALPHA
Your English is impeccable. You from Pakistan or something? Nah, I don't think you'll have any trouble getting a job here, you all look plenty white enough. All but you, Blackie - you ain’t got no tribal name or no B-S gangsta name like Maurice M-C Or Leroy L-U-V or D-J Rafael, do you?
HEINLEIN
(Shocked beyond belief, mouths-to-SIMAK after answer -- BLACKIE?) No.
ACTOR ALPHA
How about you, cowboy? You a Polock or anything weird? Got a last name that rhymes with Ski?
VERNE
My name is Jules Tiberius Verne The One Seventeenth. I am commander of The United States Warship Eliza and standing before you are the remants of its skeleton crew. We're from the year 9969 and we're attempting to stop an evil, rogue clone of mine from creating a Zeta-bomb in this time-period, a bomb we fear will vaporize every strain of commercial-grade marijuana on Earth, perhaps even causing its very extinction.
ACTOR ALPHA
Wow.
VERNE
Well, what do you have to say about it? Will you help us, Actor A?
ACTOR ALPHA
Sure! I can pitch-it at the party to a few friends. Loved the premise, the theme is muddy, but it's just the kind of wacked-out, stoner, sci-fi crap that teen-agers like to swallow whole! You got a treatment?
VERNE
A what?
ACTOR ALPHA
You know, a summary, what the movie's really about.
WELLS
Movie?
ACTOR ALPHA
You kin can the act, you've sold me already. I'm trust-worthy, you can show me the screenplay and I'll pass-it-off to the people I know I can trust. Who knows? They could green-light it right-off, and you might have a contract and an offer by morning if they like the gist of it.
HEINLEIN
Captain, I don't think we're all talking about the same thing here.
WELLS
There is a language barrier, and I can't make heads-nor-tails-of half-of what he says.
(A light knock at the door.)
ACTOR ALPHA
That was quick. Better tip him if we don't want summa the house specialty: Hocker Souffle.
(Pulls-out a twenty for room service. Opens door. There's more-than-enough wings. The kitchen staff must like ACTOR ALPHA, because the bus-cart's loaded with every possible condiment and dipping-sauce and veggie-chaser you can picture.)
CAMEO ONE
All right! Mr. Moneybags! I bet I can afford a car-wash now! Now if only I had a car!
(ACTOR ALPHA intervenes the thick-moist-c pronunciations by slipping CAMEO ONE another twenty.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Thanks, Cameo-1, here's a little something extra for the boys, too.
CAMEO ONE
(Snorts, swallows:) I'm truly moved at your generosity, Actor-A, you're the font of human kindness.
ACTOR ALPHA
Hmmm. Your sarcasm is underwhelming. I take it you saw The Bad Die Even Harder, didn't you?
CAMEO ONE
(Briefly gestures with dirty, floppy twenty, then pockets it later with the other.) Your tip barely covers what I wasted on popcorn just so I could get my mind-off-of what was on the screen. Dude, you're the best actor I know, but I've seen web-cam movies that had more appeal than that crap. Brother, that was the worst sequel I've ever paid to see since Waterworld, Part Two: Down The Drain. I know now why you never warned me about its release; the movie stinks! Every cook on the line has already seen it, I couldn’t tell them in time. Believe me, if you wudn’t my friend aneye dintinterveen, you’d have gotten the house specialty with every order free-of-charge. Man, how'dja ever let them talk you into doin' it?
ACTOR ALPHA
It was bound by contract, I had to. I did get an extra case of The Bad Die Even Harder lunch-boxes, tho.
CAMEO ONE
Hope you didn't have to pay for them.
ACTOR ALPHA
Nah, they're gratis. Want one? Maybe to make-up for wasting two hours?
CAMEO ONE
Three hours, I saw the Director's Cut. He should have done just that; cut-it. Maybe down to a palatable ten minutes or something.
ACTOR ALPHA
Well, either way, the offer still stands. The lunch-boxes have a secret-candy-compartment.
CAMEO ONE
No thanks, I don't have to take a lunch to work, I'm always in the kitchen between auditions. Plus, man, no offense, I want to forget about that movie.
ACTOR ALPHA
So do I.
CAMEO ONE
Truly, mah-no-to-mah-no, it was your worst one yet; and believe me, that’s saying something.
ACTOR ALPHA
The lunch boxes. I can't even give them away. Yeah, I suppose only as good as your last movie.
CAMEO ONE
Why did they replace that fine-ass co-star you had in the first one with that non-acting Botox chick with the lame boob-job who kept mouthing everyone else's lines as they said them? Wasn’t that the gal who got caught shop-lifting at Marcus Neimus?!
ACTOR ALPHA
The director was porking her, thought she had some untapped talent. Tapped too far, I guess.
CAMEO ONE
Totally. You could read that from the back row. The gal they had playing your wife in that sequel couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag even if the lines were written on the inside in Braille! Man, watching your love scene was like watching a building gettin’ demolished. Sitting-through-it was the only thing that she made hard, ya know?
ACTOR ALPHA
Ja. Try acting with her. (Claps hands.) Okay then. (Hand on hip, near wallet:) So, is there anything else I can do for you, Cam-1?
CAMEO ONE
(Folds bills, pockets them.) That about covers it, 'cept I hear you're having a party tonight.
ACTOR ALPHA
Yeah, yeah. Oh, sure, stop-on-by if you're not working. Love to see ya, as always.
CAMEO ONE
As always! I might bring a few friends if it's ai't.
ACTOR ALPHA
Sure. The more, the merrier. See you round, Cam-1.
CAMEO ONE
Later, Alpha.
ACTOR ALPHA
(Snacking from the monster cart:) All right! Go on; dig in, guys!
WELLS
Sure beats that yogurt-cultured vegan crap in the fridge! We've got canine teeth for a reason!
VERNE
(Loving the wings; they don't seem hot to him:) Do all of your friends talk to you that way?
ACTOR ALPHA
Well, honesty is the best form of flattery.
VERNE
Well, maybe Maybelline, I can honestly say you're the best-looking man I've ever seen, outside of myself, of course.
ACTOR ALPHA
Sweet, but, uh, you know I'm straight, right?
VERNE
(Hello Nemo!) Uh, yeah. Let's just say I see great qualities in you.
ACTOR ALPHA
You obviously haven't seen my latest film. Naw, Cameo-1 was being honest; it did totally blow.
VERNE
Blow?
ACTOR ALPHA
Blew, sucked, sucked-and-blew-concurrently. It even won a Golden Turkey!
VERNE
Now I'm really confused.
ACTOR ALPHA
It's behind me now, I wanna forget it. So, what do you do, Captain? It is Captain, isn't it?
VERNE
You got me. I told you, I'm a commander of a spaceship.
ACTOR ALPHA
Not much of a demand for that around here, outside of living in a cardboard-box. You got any other skills?
VERNE
I've been a practicing physician for the last seventy years.
ACTOR ALPHA
You mean seven years?
VERNE
No, seventy.
ACTOR ALPHA
Yeah, whatever, we don't use the metric system in this country -- and we water our lawns here. (Wide-eyed, talks like VERNE'S deaf, dumb, foreign, etc: Extremely clear and slightly over-enunciated, but not in-the-ear. Subtle, not even aware he's doing it:) Did you spec-ial-ize, or are you a gen-e-ral prac-ti-tion-er?
VERNE
I'm a neurosurgeon.
ACTOR ALPHA
Oh! Why didn't you say so? They don't care what country you're from; we need all the licensed surgeons we can get here. I'm sure brain-doctors do just fine, but have you considered doing plastic surgery? Docs here make-a-mint with just a little nip-tuck and the right clientele. Half of them are from India -- being foreigners won't spoil your fun. You'll make a mint, man...
VERNE
(Eyebrows up under the mask:) A whole mint? (Shrugs to crewmen. He doesn’t know either.) Wow. What's plastic surgery?
ACTOR ALPHA
Man, you really aren't from around here. I take it you haven't walked the beach lately.
VERNE
(A little hint of it, like a child who's never seen a beach for real:) There's a beach here?
HEINLEIN
Man, these are good!
WELLS
You must be rich, Actor A. If this is how you treat all your friends, you gotta be loaded!
ACTOR ALPHA
I got friends in high places. I like to splurge every now and then, plus it’s all under-written by a charity. Like them wings? Try the Calamari. They're from the appetizers that are gonna be served tonight at the party, really, no biggie. You're all coming, right? (Unanimous nods from the men indicating the affirmative.) The food, not to mention the drink and smoke's gonna be great. Leah's got the kitchen staff catering it for me.
VERNE
Leah. We... haven't seen her for a while. You say she owns this place?
ACTOR ALPHA
(Like a drawn-out “duh”) Uh, yeah, richest debutante in the world, target of every rich-bachelor and bachelorette on the planet, you think she's gonna sleep in any building that she doesn't already own?
VERNE
(Winces:) You say she's rich? How rich?
ACTOR ALPHA
You asking? How long has it been since you've seen her? Are we even talking about the same person?
WELLS
What he means is, that she was more... destitute, more non-materialistic, when we last saw her.
ACTOR ALPHA
Y'all lived in a commune, eh? Hard to imagine. Can't imagine her ever being poor, not after all her revolutionary and radical inventions. Hospitals pay out-the-butt to use her quantum red room.
(VERNE spits-up his drink; begins coughing. CLARKE pats his back.)
HEINLEIN
I gather she wasn't versed on the Bradbury Protocol, sir.
SIMAK
Aye, them concubines, they dunno know 'bout no primary directives now.
VERNE
You mentioned a beach; where are we?
ACTOR ALPHA
Hello? Ohhhh, I get it, the little problem with your screenplay...
HEINLEIN
Mind if I cut-in for some o' that bleu-cheese sauce? Yeah, these wings are hot all right.
SIMAK
Aye, does the lassie have any beer in here now? I'm-a not a-liking the taste of this tonic!
ACTOR ALPHA
Nah, but I'll run down to my cool pad and get a few cases. I got loads of imported, winter ale.
VERNE
Tell me, what other events have happened? Turn-about's-fair-play. What do you do, Actor A? For an occupation, I mean.
ACTOR ALPHA
Me? I'm a full-time actor. You've never seen any of my movies? Hmmm, one of my earlier ones is on the tube right now- (Looks at watch:) probably ending right now, not like you missed much anyway, I die at the end. The only good thing about dying at the end that it at least kept me out of the rotten sequel they made of that one. Hey lazy-butts; one of you wanna help me carry the beer?
HEINLEIN
I'm on it.
CLARKE
(Looking on top of shelves and tables for a tube.) Where's this 'tube' you are talking about?
ACTOR ALPHA
Oh yeah, Mr. Middle-Earth there. If thou elven warlock will push thy knob-shaped sceptre on thy many-mirrored-crystal-laden box, you shall see wondrous visions flash before thine eyes!
(CLARKE awkwardly turns-on the television. We never see it until ACTOR ALPHA delivers one line, and then again later, at the end. We only hear the background music, chase scene sounds, gunshots, screams, crashes, men yelling as they fall from a cliff, cattle stampede-ing, cavalry bugles sounding, farm animals, cartoon sound effects, explosions, a sports arena and finally a whining violin playing some sappy, romantic tune until reaching an orchestrated, climactic ending.)
CLARKE
Oh. It's merely a monitor... of sorts. I didn't understand a word he said, sir, I think the doctor's right about the language; we're gonna need some education in the slang of this era.
VERNE
It's chock-full of profanity and racial slurs, I'll have none of it while I'm in command.
ACTOR ALPHA
Decorum. Of course, Captain, you really are in the military, then?
VERNE
Yes, we're... on furlough. We're trying to solve one of those big-yet-trivial problems.
ACTOR ALPHA
Well, even more reason to party. Me? My biggest-yet-trivial problem right now is finding a better movie so everyone can forget about The Bad Die Even Harder. If I don't pretty soon, it might wreck my career and I might wind-up sleeping at the railyard in a boxcar with a guy named “Two-Molar Smitty” for a room-mate... Army, huh? Heck, I might not see you guys again. So, you fighting in Iraq?
VERNE
Iraq? The country?
ACTOR ALPHA
Don't tell me you're in Afghanistan!
CLARKE
We're at war with Afghanistan?
ACTOR ALPHA
Dude, are you from another planet? America's at war with everyone; like forever! You stationed in a nuclear-silo or something? You guys blow my mind. Must be quite some furlough. The whole world's hated us for decades! This is it! The big one!
CLARKE
Sir, American engagement in the Global War For Dominance didn't happen until after the hydroponic-fuel crisis toward the end of the Third Millenium. We must be farther-ahead than we thought.
ACTOR ALPHA
Oh, I get it now! You're an elite, combat-unit from the future sent back to ensure we win the war-on-terror. You're playing-out a scenario; yeah, yeah; okay I'll play along. I'm real good at playing let's pretend.
HEINLEIN
All right, let's pretend I'm going to fill-you-in-on everything that's happened from when we fought the Rheans all-the-way-up to us escaping Oblivion on a platform I invented -- while we go get the beer. Damn! Them wings are hot.
ACTOR ALPHA
It's the chipotle -- in the meat. The factory force-feeds the chickens chipotle and poblano peppers with every meal. Neat, huh?
(They exit.)
WELLS
I've made my rounds with a few quantum clones in the past, but you want to tell me just-what-in-Sam-Hill-is-going-on? That wasn't a replicant, that was your twin! What's this about, Julie?
(WELLS points at the television. ACTOR ALPHA has a trickle of blood and is dirty and roughed-up. VERNE does what any good captain would do when he needs a moment to ponder; he sparks a joint.)
ACTOR ALPHA V.O.
(Black and white, on television screen:) That the best you got? Remember when I said you and what army? Well, your army's gone now, so what else you got for me? Give me your best. You won't win, Professor Dementia, even if you put me six-feet-under, you can never stop the love I have for Violet.
VERNE
(Eureka.) We're still in a paradox, it’s the only answer. Genetic origins, maybe it explains why A-G- why all the D-N-A from Mt. Adlous was- Nah, can't be. He's my original; my great-great-great grandfather or something, or maybe it's quantum coincidence, but he's not a remnant from our accident, and with my mask, he doesn't recognize me, so we'll keep him in the dark about me and -- the problem.
WELLS
But he was identical to you! You know, outside of identical twins and cloning, that just doesn't happen in genetics.
VERNE
Like I said, we're all slipping-out of the quantum ballpark; we'll just have to stop trying to explain it to ourselves, go with the flow, and get to the bottom of who we really are.
SIMAK
A concubine done-gone and went and invented the red room now! Aye, I dunno what kind-a effect that's-a gonna have on the future, but we're in a whole soggy load of horse manure if we doh-na fix it!
CLARKE
Not to mention we are in the midst of a world war, a war that isn't supposed to happen.
VERNE
One we may lose, bringing the fall of this great nation, our only beacon of the light of home. The Baron’s insane, that's certain; it's gotta be a Zeta-bomb. I saw Zeta-wave condensers on the tarmac back in Poland; it's gotta be. Certainly, he can’t believe he belongs here. He’s here for something...
SIMAK
Aye, if-a we could-a somehow locate The Baron, we could know for sure now.
CLARKE
(Knowing more from his Money-meld than he’s letting-on:) We don't know his intentions, or if he's even made a Zeta-bomb.
WELLS
One thing's for sure, you don't choose to go to the very time-period when the free-world ended unless you're up to something nasty.
CLARKE
Either way, I think it is imperative that we locate all the others, particularly Ms. Azalea.
VERNE
Leah Zale, go figure. Applesauce! She should know better than to exploit the past; even if she don't know jack about theoretical physics and quantum-corridors, I would have hoped her moral compass would have guided her ship toward a more-enlightened port. In the names of Abraham, Martin and John, Azalea's done gone and messed up the Twentieth Century for everybody.
CLARKE
Twenty-First Century, sir. I'm being flooded with new memories now, memories of sitting around a table with the four of us, rolling dice and commenting about the tragedy of Nine-Eleven.
VERNE
Nine-Eleven. When the Twin Towers fell, huh, how do I know that? You're saying we've got a phantasmagoric memory overlay of all of us being here when that occurred? A fake history?
WELLS
The memory is phony; but will seem real; the mind's defenses and memories appear the same to-
VERNE
It's a fictional memory, of course, but it's a clue to when and where we are. The mind knows all the answers already, but our minds have minds of their own when it comes to dispensing that knowledge. We might as well be dreaming, except a part of us in reality ties it to a real event, one in this time-stream, one that's happened already; in this case, Nine-Eleven, a tragedy that puts us sometime after 2001, if these new memories prove to mirror the truth.
SIMAK
Aye, sir, we're no more than a decade or two or tree into the Turd Millenium lookin’ at the make of ‘em cars now. Aw, just look at the junk technology out there, all the waste, all the garbage!
VERNE
This isn't our time; it's not for us to judge them. People did what they thought was right. Outside of Mr. Alpha, no one other than our crew is to know what we're up to, am I clear?
WELLS
I get you, but what about our personas?
VERNE
What about them?
WELLS
Julie, we've got to combat it somehow, I'm being flooded with memories of useless trivia like the location of Aquataine and the average weekend-attendance of various Renaissance Fairs.
CLARKE
You mean, a Ren-Faire. Funny, never knew what one was, until now. It seems inherent, logical.
WELLS
Yeah, like that! And I'm also remembering tons of obsolete words that don't make any sense in this time-period, words like wench, and squire and ruffian. My Shakespeare's just too rusty.
SIMAK
Me feeling effect of time-shift, as well, Kama-Sutra.
VERNE
Kama-Sutra?
SIMAK
Yes, Kama-Sutra. (Passes fat leaf-joint:) In Indica tongue we speak it mean, busted scout.
CLARKE
Captain, the good doctor has a point. I, for instance, realize I am not merely an elf, but a half-elf mage of Durian blood from the deep, dark valleys of the Fernwood Glen of Daggermire. I'm unsure if we should remain here, sir. We may find out more about us than we want to know.
SIMAK
Aye. Me no want to keep talking like quarter-breed Injun with no good use of pronoun.
VERNE
I don't think that's the problem, Smokey, I think it's far more dire than that, more latent.
CLARKE
What do you mean, Captain?
VERNE
Hmmmm. Clarke, tell me: What's the data capacity of a computer floppy disk?
CLARKE
Well, that would depend on its size and whether its dual-density or not.
VERNE
Doc, quick, a medical question, what's the remedy for Gannymede fever?
WELLS
Easy, a cup of Wolfsbane Tea watered-down with water from a virgin spring and peppered with sprigs of belladonna, all steeped-in ox blood and buried under an oak for three full moons.
VERNE
Clarke, what's the hit-dice for a type-four demon from the nether-plains of Voss-Aragon?
CLARKE
Twenty-four if it's second edition, if it's newer, it can only be hit with a vorpal blade.
VERNE
Oh we've done it now, it's the sum of all fears!
(The men enter carrying cases of beer.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Robert's given me the update, told me your story and has got me on-board to help. You should let him do the talking more, Captain Verne, he's twice as concise and much more convincing.
HEINLEIN
Captain, what's wrong?
VERNE
Actor A, we're gonna need your help now more than ever if we're gonna survive this pickle.
ACTOR ALPHA
Sure, anything to help.
HEINLEIN
What is it, sir?
VERNE
I gotta be sure; brace yourselves; Rob, when was the only time T-H-C Ghettoman lost his powers?
HEINLEIN
Issue number two-twenty-three, when the Midnight Dumpers used toxic waste to sear the 420 suit.
VERNE
God's Blood!!! This is worse than stopping time and blowing up The Universe combined!
WELLS
What is it, Julie?
VERNE
We've reached our core personas, we're mentally as naked as jay birds! We're splayed; exposed!
ACTOR ALPHA
Sounds bad, anything I can do to help? Is that why you're wearing a mask?
VERNE
I'm not really the Lone Avenger, I got no horse named Gold Dust and I'll never be a faster shot than I am now. Don't you understand, gentlemen? It's halloween, these are our costumes and in this world, we adopted the personas of total, convention-attendin’, computer-programmin’, comic-book-collectin’, couch-loungin’, sci-fi-readin’, parental-rental-livin’, role-playin’, dragon-slayin’, cyber-suckin’, pocket-pen-protector-wearin’, girl-deflectin’, martial-arts-wannabe geeks!
(...Who farted?)
ACTOR ALPHA
Is this a bad time? Should I give you all a few minutes?
(Okay... I’m aware that it takes one to know one, so please go easy.)
VERNE
No, you're gonna stay here, we're all gonna eat and get hammered, and you're gonna teach us everything we need to know about this century's culture. We must abandon these nerd-ful ways.
ACTOR ALPHA
Culture? In this century? I could cover the entire spectrum in less than a minute.
VERNE
(Not detecting the sarcasm from ACTOR ALPHA:) Okay. Shoot.
ACTOR ALPHA
Easy. There ain't any. Terrible re-makes of mediocre movies, sequels that show in the preview any part worth watching, whiney sing-song boy-band bubblegum crap that sells a few soft drinks while promoting the next, who-wants-to-be-another-lame-fifteen-minute-nobody reality-show and over-priced fashion that’s nothing but a fabric billboard for advertisers that makes you look like you got held up at a thrift store. That's it.
SIMAK
Aye, don't-a hold back now. Tell us how you really feel.
(Now ACTOR ALPHA is doing the camping; but he's got their attention, so they're cool about it.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Nah, I could vent and tell you how every time I voted the election was rigged or how Congress blackmailed the states to raise the drinking age or how the states outlaw same-sex marriage and weed and smoking in public places or how people think that a flag-burning amendment would somehow make us more free, or how the government will tax and take your car over a joint and then charge you for storage but we're too busy in a war right now to do anything but get on with our daily lives. I'm an actor, what can I do? I gotta wear my seat belt like everybody else. Between my auditions and rehearsals, I don't have enough time to notice all the things the government is doing against the people in the name of the people. (Pause.) Also, forget anything you see on that box. You don't need spin-doctors telling you what the next in-thing is. We'll hafta try to keep this simple, easy and to the point if you're gonna somehow survive in this crazy world.
CUT TO:
(End scene of movie on television. ACTOR ALPHA, croons his last words to an unseen maiden.)
ACTOR ALPHA V.O.
(Bed-ridden:) Violet, Violet, the lights are going dim. I will always love you Violet, always.
(Sappy old audio; shot in B&W, the movie closes with a cursive Fin over black and white drape.)
2X SPEED FTB
CUT TO:
CLARKE
(Passed joint in hand, he tokes, crosses, tokes, turns-off television, passes.) What should we do?
(ACTOR ALPHA takes a big breath; a kung-fu stance, praying hands, closes eyes, meditative:)
ACTOR ALPHA
It may call for radical treatment; but I could teach you in the manner we educate other foreigners here.
HEINLEIN
That doesn’t sound too bad. Would it take long?
ACTOR ALPHA
No, not long at all; that's the neat thing about it. That is, if you're quick learners.
VERNE
Well let's get started! We're open-minded!
(ACTOR A stops breath, opens one eye, pauses the hand movement that accompanies the exhale.)
ACTOR ALPHA
I dunno, it's a little unorthodox; I would have to have your unanimous-consent to do anything to you; but no real injury, after all, even if you are foreigners, this ain't Guantanamo Bay.
WELLS
What's Guantanimo Bay?
CUT TO: