Scene 7.03 - Prosperity
EST: BUSY HAVANA PORT: CHERRY MARY DOCKED; BIGGER PIRATE-SHIP OFFICE ASHORE; FLAGS YES, SAILS NO
EXT./INT. Lord Bennie's Shipyard/Misty's Bungalow - January 10th, 1799
ZOOM IN
(MONTY, MOE and LARRY stand on the carpet before LORD BENNIE, seated behind a large mahogany-colored desk that cuts a corner of an office of a building made from a very-old and very-impressive dry-docked pirate galleon, slightly off-level in two perpendicular directions, as some of the ship had been modified and remodeled to fit within the confines of five cramped, sea-side lots in a busy Havana port. The men stand in the captain's quarters, which has a large, curtained window aft, to the right of BENNIE, at an angle. The ship is Mid-Seventeenth Century, crafted during the Age Of The Buccaneer. MOE, the only true nobleman of the bunch, chooses to speak for the entire party. One thing can sure be said of our antagonist; when he tells a lie, it's a whopper.)
MOE
(Bows deeply; drops feathered hat nearly-to-ground with a swooping-arm gesture demonstrated by nobility and yoga-enthusiasts everywhere:) My Lord, there were hostile trade-winds, pirates and horrid sea monsters -- and a whole host of other scourges we bravely-weathered to ensure your precious cargo has made it safely to port. If there were any fault to be made for the delay, milord, I solely accept blame, for it was I who chose to take to shore in the Keys to save poor Androgyny from the evil Crack-head.
BENNIE
(Sparking a colossal-monster-sized blunt, his Late-Eighteenth-Century brain fully-intrigued with the unfamiliar term:) Crack-head?
(BENNIE props his foot on his mahogany-colored office desk. Slings a muddy boot over the former. Deeply tokes with a 100% Genuine Tobacco-Leaf-Wrapped Kilobyte Mind-Explosion Cuban "Mon-tee-chello-mellow" Space-Out Cha-Ching Spleef. It's the only thing genuine about him. His mahogany-colored, pine replica of the gold-enameled desk of King Charles II is no more valid as his self-claimed title of "Lord" - nor his brass-capped, "gold" tooth. Yet noblemen and peasant-alike speak to him throughout with the kindest of words, for although he certainly has no mannerisms to indicate nobility, (even at its most wretched and cruel state), he reeks of being a man who could have been a king among kings, if only the Fates and Muses of good-humor had not blessed him with a Falstaffian wit and had also conversely cursed him with being a dram shy of his fair share of luck through undertaken ventures that desperately required luck in droves. Yet, a man like BENNIE considers that his neck has yet to know the noose as fortune plenty.)
MOE
We had just cleared the long section of The Trident's Reef when the gale picked up, the wind howled the very serpents of the depths, shook the shelf and shied to shore, fearing what had been awakened below by the Greek God Zoot-Suit himself...
BENNIE
Zoot-Suit?
MOE
Yes, sire. I had entered under guise of a lowly beggar to enter the gates of Frappe.
BENNIE
Frappe? Like a Frappacino?
MOE
More like a Cappacino, a little Latte.
LARRY
I like Lattes.
MOE
Hey, shut-cha yap, I'm the one tellin' it...
MONTY
My Lord, I solely am responsible for the captain's death, I-
MOE
Monty boy, relax. I got this-
BENNIE
No! No! I wanna hear this. Go on, Monty, you said you're responsible for the captain's death... The coroner finished the autopsy this morning. Captain Greenback died from a venereal disease. Are you telling me you had something to do with that, Monty?
MONTY
(Mortified:) Sire, no!
BENNIE
(Cracks a smile. Offers blunt to MONTY for rotation. The men stand a little easier. BENNIE doesn't seem upset.) You better not, if'n you're gonna marry my favorite niece, you're not.
MOE
Your only neice. Now where was I?
BENNIE
Hold up, Money, take a few seconds to get your story straight... Now, I got no bones about Greenback being permanently under the weather, he's taken from my till too long. (Looks at Quartermaster's Supply And Reckoning Pamphlet.) It's up to the Lord above to gauge the worth of his soul, now, not me. This is the first time I've ever seen a complete shipment. He was swindling me for a hefty bit -- got ten tons a run, I reckon. Larry, this report is immaculate. Crewmen stayed within their alloted amounts, weather didn't destroy any, mold didn't putrefy any, no over-the-border-payoffs to the Wac-a-too Indians and not even one mention about a mutant-ninja, marijuana-eating rat colony aboard the vessel -- You are to be commended, Quartermaster Bling.
LARRY
Thank you, Lord, Sire. I hope this shows how I will be a better right-hand man for you than Greenback ever was-
BENNIE
Greenback was the kinda guy who would use a diamond to cut a pane of glass to break into a man's pantry instead of using that diamond to earn his own bread. My heart says poor soul but my wallet says good riddance. It's bound to give me indigestion tonight and is more-than-enough cause to conjure up a decent hangover. You were explaining the delay, Herr DeMoney...
MOE
(To MONTY:) What part was I on? The part where weez all visited da three blind bits-es with theys all-feelin' dildo, or when Eyes tamed dat Gorgon Hooker Messy-Do-Sa and 'ad her go down on dat Junkie Crack-head?
MONTY
(Humored. Genuinely interested in knowing what really happened as well:) You were talking about the Crack-head.
MOE
Right, right, so den Zoot-Suit shouted, "Release Da Crack-Head!" and den Peptol-Urine released da Crack-head by turnin' dis big-ass wheel underwater and Androgyny was all-like screaming, "No! No! I'm Still A Virgin! No! No! Pussy-Ass! Pussy-Ass! Help Me!" Pussy-Ass is da Greek name dat dey calt me -- tho I wasn't into dat Greek ting like dem Greeks and all -- jus' no dat -- and dis is all while she wuz like chained to a big-'ol rock with big-ass chains dat really suggested, to me, dat dem people of Frappe were all into dis sacrifice-a-virgin-girl-to-da-monsters-of-da-sea-kind-a-ting all along, so I had my own plan on how to end this virgin-sacrifice-to-the-man-eating-monster-thing once and fo' all. (Takes a breath.) So den I says to Messy-Do-Sah while she was all jones-in and all, I says to her, "Bits, you go down dere." And den her smug-ass gets all coy and den she says, "They's no Johns down dere I 'spose." 'N I says, "I didn't say dat. Dere's a big ol' pimp daddy down dere in heels and furz an a big fuzzy hat an he's down dere in za water and when he's all finished with you all dat's going to be left is a little stain on de mattress of da ocean flo'. He's been wackin'-off to dat mermaid tail fo' a hundred years now and his pimp hand is long and strong, and you can put-chur munny on dat. Dis ain'ah Wichita waterbed, Bits, and he ain't no helpless mark just lookin' fo' some candy. He's a devil; a water-breathin', fire-tokin', man-eatin' monster, jus' like you is. You go down dere if'n you got da nerve." And den she says, "Still trying to out-smart me, aren't you, Pussy-Ass?" She says, "You say you don't want me to go down dere but da subtle truth is that you really don't want me to go down dere!" So den she went down dere and gave her Gorgon head to de monster and den he got rock hard and den dere was'n Earthquake and it shore must-a been contagious, cuz I shore rocked Androgyny's world whilst she was all up in doze chains and all, cuz she says she got to kinda like-in it dat way and den, and den... and den we all returned safe and sound no worse for da wear and da rest is his-story. (Bows.) Da End.
BENNIE
Hmmm. Curious tale; I applaud your bravery and quick-thinking in face of such dire circumstances, nobleman. (Tokes from a second blunt.) So was this before or after you stopped-off in the Keys to visit Ire, the prison-island of our country's leader in exile? The guy who we ran out on a coke-rail last election? The dictator that no one is supposed to ever hear from again?
(Gulp!!! Busted. The men are speechless.)
MONTY
I was the one, Lord. I alone gave the order.
BENNIE
(Firm:) The prison guards could have killed you all; sunk my ship with their cannons; you clearly weren't allowed to go there.
MONTY
No sir, I was not. I take full responsibility for my decision. I alone give the order to anchor and go ashore.
BENNIE
I have this letter from the prison isle; it seems that their messenger pigeons can fly to our local constabulary faster than you can sail in fair weather back to port. The letter states that you weren't alone, Monty -- it mentions all three of you...
LARRY
I told him not to sire, I protested his action! We told him not to, didn't we, Moe?
BENNIE
Moe?
MOE
While I don't think it was a wise decision and while I did protest it; I stand by the actions of my friend, no matter how senseless.
BENNIE
Hmmm. You should be a politician, DeMoney, you walk that tightrope better than all of them put together; I'll give you a favorable benefit of a doubt... In this particular case, Monty... you were correct to do so. It's what I would have done, even back in my so-called 'pirating' days -- the way a life is valued is indifferent to time or place or circumstance, and says everything about the man who values it. Piss on parlay. Lip service. Humanity demands more. Even a scalawag like Greenback deserves Christian charity. It isn't pleasant for me to talk ill of the dead. (Tokes.) Yet I cannot help but to note that I gave the man the opportunity to seize the brass ring many times over and every time, he stole from me. (Levels blunt; about to pass...) I am thankful the Lord above has lifted this burden from my shoulders. Greenback's His problem now. (Breaks rotation. Passes to MONTY.) Monty, you're now Captain of the Cherry Mary.
LARRY
(Gets it.) I am Quartermaster and I have seniority, sire!
BENNIE
You're still Quartermaster and you still have seniority, Larry. I can't replace you. As captain, he's going to need you as much as I do. I'll give you a raise, Larry, if that will cool your jets.
LARRY
We'll discuss this later, Jacques. I'm upset right now and don't want to say something I may regret later. Adieu.
(He executes a perfect about-face and strides out the open door.)
BENNIE
He'll get over it. (Throws a small bag of gold on the desk.) The letter from the prison was friendly and respectful, and contained an official request to add their port to our shipping route with an order for five tons on our next Canadian run. (Gets up. Sparks a blunt from a box on his desk.) Celebration is in order, men. We are the new suppliers for the Keys. You made a sale, Captain Bizkit. Potentially a big sale. That's your cut -- a finder's fee -- your one-time commission. Take your imaginative friend here and find whatever ale that your Quartermaster is crying-into and go have a drink or two. Or three. You head out for the Goose Bay run next Monday morning, Captain. See me tomorrow afternoon and we'll go over the stops on the route.
MONTY
(Beaming.) Aye, aye, sir.
(They exit, we follow. MONTY makes a bee-line for MISTY'S bungalow; a few buildings away, down the avenue, across a small alley. MOE walks alongside him. MISTY rushes out and embraces MONTY in the small plaza, smothering him with kisses.)
MISTY
I heard you had returned! (Breaks close embrace for a moment.) I heard that Captain Greenback has died! (No unpleasant reaction from MONTY = no big deal, we weren't close, i.e. we won't be attending the funeral. Back to the embrace.) I am so happy you are safe! Oh, Monty! My Monty!
(Pause. MOE leans in, smug.)
MOE
(Inwardly-pocketing the thunder he's stealing:) Lord Bennie chose Monty to be the new captain of The Mary.
MISTY
(Pulls back, smiling:) Is that true? Uncle Jack made you captain?
MONTY
(Within innocence; content. Also smiling:) Yes, My Lady Misty. Soon, we can afford a wedding.
MISTY
Oh, Monty! I am so happy! Come inside, I have so much to share with you!
MONTY
I'm only stopping by for now, sweetie. Moe and I were on our way to-
MOE
I'll go talk to Larry. I see you have your hands full, mate.
(He slowly exits.)
MONTY
Thanks, Moe.
MISTY
I've cooked your favorite meal, got the hookah loaded and have the wine uncorked and ready to drink. Oh Monty, I have a feeling, tonight's going to be very, very special!
MONTY
Every night with you is special, Misty.
MISTY
Not like tonight. I've waited for you to return for so long; and now fortune has blessed us. Oh, Monty, welcome home!
FTB