Scene 2.09 - Paying Respects
EST: INT. Shady Acres Funeral Home - Late Afternoon
(Family members gather around a casket to view the body of GRAMMA.)
CUT TO: Subtle, intermittent reactions from the morticians as they look to each other, hearing every word in the scene.
POLLY
They said she died peacefully in her sleep. We should be so lucky.
PAUL
We are lucky, she’s finally dead.
FAITH
(Across the room:) Mom, like, we’ve been here an hour already, can we just go? All my friends are waiting for me.
POLLY
Not until you’ve all paid her some due respect.
HOPE
Jeez, Mom, we’ve all seen her already, all right?
POLLY
You go up there and say good-bye to Gramma! It’s the least you could do!
(The teenagers go to the casket.)
PAUL
Come on, Polly.
POLLY
As meager as the trust fund is, they should remember where they got it.
PAUL
Well at least someone got something.
POLLY
(Loudly whispered:) A pittance! Playing nursemaid to her for all those years, you think she was grateful?
PAUL
Speaking of grateful, where’s Bill?
POLLY
Bill knows better.
PAUL
In all, how did you make out, Sis?
POLLY
After taxes, only ten percent! (Quiets herself.) Half of the fortune she left to the church and the rest she left to Daddy’s old lodge.
PAUL
That explains why I didn’t get a dime. I drove seven hours just to find out I wasn’t in the will at all.
POLLY
She left the mansion to the Peabodys!
PAUL
The Peabodys? Their old neighbors from Haysville?
POLLY
Yeah, the old man who digs cans out of other people's dumpsters! And that woman who talks to herself all the time, and waters those plastic plants. Can you believe it?
PAUL
She probably cut me out of the will because she knew I’d invest the money.
POLLY
No, Paul, she cut you out of the will because you came out of the closet.
PAUL
Maybe so. Daddy didn’t care; she did. If only she had died first.
POLLY
Ha! Daddy couldn’t outlive her, he put up with her the longest. He was halfway into the grave by the time I was born. Ten percent, can you believe it? It hardly covers the funeral expenses, and believe me, I cut corners. They let me rent the gravesite for just a day, canya believe it? Even with the bucks I saved there, the girls’ educational trust fund is next to nothing. They’ll be lucky if it pays their books at a community college.
PAUL
Money or not, deep down I suppose I really showed up to be sure she is really gone.
POLLY
I’m the one who stayed in Kansas, the one who had deal with her every month -- listening to her endless talking about anything and everything that meant nothing. If you thought she was crazy and senile when we were kids...
PAUL
No, when we were kids, she was just a mean old witch. (Whispers to POLLY:) I’m just glad she’s finally dead, Sis, now we all can get on with our lives.
CUT TO: At the casket, looking at GRAMMA.
REVERSE ANGLE
POV: GRAMMA
FAITH
Look at that, she’s smiling.
HOPE
Like that’s the only time I’ve ever seen her smile.
CHARITY
She looks peaceful.
FAITH
Of course she’s peaceful, she’s dead.
CHARITY
Do you think she’s in heaven?
HOPE
Are you kidding?
CHARITY
Ah, well, she did leave us some money.
FAITH
You call that money? I’ve spent more on makeup.
HOPE
Yeah, Gramma was a pain, wasn’t she?
FAITH
I’m not gonna miss her.
HOPE
Me either.
(They look at CHARITY.)
CHARITY
She was always touching me. It was too creepy.
HOPE
Yeah, like she was petting a dog.
FAITH
Or like she was feeling you up-
CHARITY
Ewwww!
FAITH
Remember how she would always act? Always talking about old stuff nobody cares about.
HOPE
Yeah, stuff that didn’t make any sense. She was always making me drive her around. Get her in her chair...
FAITH
Cleaning that smelly old house.
CHARITY
Bathing her.
FAITH
Ugh! Did you have to mention that?
CHARITY
I remember her always taking those fake teeth out.
HOPE
Ewwww! (Pause.) And she always had bad breath, too.
FAITH
No one’s gonna have to kiss her again. (Pause.) Jeez-Louise, is Mom and Uncle Paul ready yet? It’s enough we have to be at a funeral all day on Saturday. Do we have to waste all night hanging around? It reeks of death in here.
CHARITY
(Whispered:) I smell dead people. (Pause.) This sucks, I had a date.
HOPE
All my friends gypped school and went to the lake without me.
FAITH
Yeah, and the funeral’s gonna make me late for the concert Saturday, I’m probably gonna miss seeing Pandora. (Pause, leans back against casket, folds arms.) I’d rather be dead than hang out here all night.
(They look at the body. Pause. FAITH turns, backs from casket.)
CHARITY
At least we don’t have to give her a good-bye kiss.
FAITH & HOPE
(Ad libs) Ewwwww! Ugh! Gross!
CUT TO: