Scene 5.15 - Bath-house
EST: EXT. Palace Gates
(The men are at the main gate, but they may as well be standing outside a bordello -- unsure, hesitant, anxious.)
HUNG
What, should we go up and knock?
DING
I dunno.
(The gate opens, a coy MARY JANE leans on the ornate, open gate, smiling.)
MARY
Well, look who finally decided to join us. I told you I lived in a palace.
DUC
Our apologies for doubting you. Where's Bud?
MARY
With the Empress. She will see you after breakfast, at court. Come, I'll take you to the bathhouse.
(They follow. They walk across a busy, but beautiful, courtyard, where villagers in the distance stop what they are doing and stare on and whisper. Some of the ladies giggle. Use only female cameos, of course.)
LONG
We don't have any clothes. Just our boxers.
MARY
(Head high, looking forward, leading proudly:) I can see that. (Playfully looks back, smiling:) Who told you that you were naked? I'll have clothes put out for you. (The women giggle a little. She stops.) And they may fit too tightly or too loosely in the wrong places and you may look a little feminine, but in your position, I wouldn't argue. (Continues walking, proudly:) Consider your fortune. You're the first men to have entered this palace in over three thousand years.
CHIN
Yeah, sure. (Looks at others.) Mary, I dunno about this war you're having or if we can help -- we've seem to have lost our gear.
MARY
(She stops again.) No gattle-eengun?
CHIN
It's disappeared.
MARY
How unfortunate. (Starts.) I was truly fond of that device. (Stops. Pause, fearful, turns to them:) Do you think the DEA may have acquired it?
LONG
We're not sure. Anything's possible, we're starting to get used to that.
DUC
Mary, can you explain how suddenly this palace showed up and how our clothes disappeared?
MARY
(Finds the question trivial and continues walking.) Must have been the Goddess. She moves in mysterious ways. This is the bathhouse. (Peers in.) It's empty. I'll have some clothes for you placed just inside the door. Now, I'll be waiting for you, so don't dally. After formation, I'll be having coffee there, across the way, in the mess hall with my officers. Join me.
DING
Coffee?
MARY
Why, yes.
DUC
How do you get coffee in Nepal?
HUNG
(Taps DUC'S arm with the back of his hand.) Turkish, no doubt.
MARY
You men say the craziest things. We grow the coffee bean right here. The Goddess provides. I'll have breakfast waiting for you. (Smiles.) It won't be bar-ba-coo Yak, but I'm sure it will sate even the most voracious appetite.
HUNG
We are grateful to you, Mary.
CHIN
Yes, we really appreciate your hospitality.
MARY
Thank the Goddess. Now I must go and inspect my troops. Morning muster, you know.
HUNG
We'll see you soon.
MARY
(Turns on heel, cape shimmering.) Farewell.
DING
This is crazy; it doesn’t make sense.
LONG
(Watching MARY saunter away, her hips swaying.) When we all met in the "No Girls Allowed" chat room, did our lives make sense? We've all had our problems with women and society. Chin, you were the best computer programmer in Moscow, and you got dumped for a lowly web designer. Ding, your girl left you at the alter for your minister. Duc, your mother kept you from even meeting a girl. And Hung, you got jilted for a woman; you can’t ever beat that.
HUNG
Losing a fiancee to a lesbian is way better than losing a girlfriend to a narc.
LONG
Enough said. Look, I pity my ex, I don’t hate her. She missed out. But that's not the point.
(They enter.)
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INT. Bath-house
DING
What is your point? That we should have never come to Nepal?
LONG
Not at all. Didn’t the online casino venture make sense?
CHIN
Sure it did. I programmed it. You all sure didn't complain when you got your first million in the first thirty minutes, did ya? I told you that capitalism works.
LONG
Yes, we're all thankful, but that's not what I'm talking about. What I mean, is: we came out here to get away from women and the rest of the crazy world. It's worked so far. And now, whether it makes sense or not, I've come to realize that it wasn't womanhood or politics that we were leaving behind, it was our old selves. I may have had a successful career as a helicopter mechanic, but I wasn't content. It was like we were all just asking to get screws put to us in our own separate ways. Maybe it's taken a couple of years to figure that out, but, crazy or not, don't you think our lives are better now than ever?
DUC
(He slips into his tub.) Ahhhh... much better.
HUNG
(He follows suit in another tub.) Well, the money might have had something to do with it. I've never had to go back into a mine shaft since we struck it rich.
LONG
(He steps into his tub.) No! The money has nothing to do with it. We started our hermitage to get away from women and Wall Street, but that wasn't all we got. Look at us now. We're smiling. When was the last time all of us were smiling at the same time? And where's our money, our cellular phones? We don't even have the clothes on our backs. I ask you, are you feeling content?
DING
Funny. You know, I am. I am content. I feel really okay here. It's like I don't have anywhere else to be.
CHIN
Odd. You're right. It's like, we've come home.
HUNG
I think you all got kitty-on-the-brain. You're forgetting we agreed to help these women. How much help do you think we can be without our guns? You think they won't string us up when they realize we're powerless to help them? Trust me, I know how crazy a guy can get, just look in a mirror and don’t say nothing for a real long time.
DUC
Maybe there's nothing to worry about. Things here aren't what they seem. Like how everybody speaks Polish-
LONG
Dutch.
HUNG
Swahili.
DING
German.
(They all look at CHIN.)
CHIN
(He sighs.) Russian.
DUC
Whatever. We're agreed that we all speak the same language. (He gestures.) It's December when it should be July, it is about seventy degrees outside when it should be forty-five at most, and this place is packed with hot babes. Who is to say that this DEA crew isn't just a bunch of pansies, if they exist at all?
HUNG
You're right, man. We got nothing to worry about. They're probably pussycats.
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