Scene 6.27 - Tough Talk
EST: SHI-IT-KAN
WORLD REPORT VOICE
Stand-by... warning... we have just received a coded threat from the Guild. Spice production is in serious jeopardy... Greedy Grime supplying false reports... Guild to visit Emperor in one standard day.
INT. THRONE ROOM - EMPEROR'S PALACE - NIGHT
(The Emperor sits on his throne. Behind him are his Sativa Warrior Officers. In front of him are three P-O'd Guildsmen. One holds a large electrical apparatus up to the face plate of another which translates his strange voice into English. Sure, it's subtitled, too...)
TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Emperor Sh-Boom The Fourth... You have one last chance to take matters into your own hands and bring the situation under control on Darukkus.
EMPEROR
Say wha? Yo! Step back! Who you think you talkin' to? What do you mean one last...
TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Zip it! Do not speak!... Listen!... You do not have more than this one chance. We are seriously fiend-ing here; more than you can imagine! We cannot afford another failure on your part. I represent the entire Spaced-Out Guild in this matter.... You have failed to apprehend the Mercedes heir... Porsche.
EMPEROR
What? But he was said to...
TANKED GUILDSMEN #2
(Moans like a cow:) Noooooo... he is not dead. He is not eaten by worms as you have wanted to believe to be so. No. He is not M-I-A. We see him. He is very alive and is shacking-up with a local concubine on Darukkus! He lives in the deep jungle with the Brew-men, and his mother, and also perhaps with your infamous Darukkeen rebel, Poop-a-doob!
EMPEROR
Poop-a-doob!?! Who is Poop-a-doob?
TANKED GUILDSMAN #2
Another man you have failed to stop! He is a Brew-man leader who destroys the spice, that is all we know of him. We can't see him -- we do not know who he is! He attacks from everywhere, the spice is in great danger. Emperor Sh-Boom, you must go to Topiary IV to fix this today. We are not asking, we are telling; remedy the situation or you will live-out your life in a pain amplifier!
(The Guildsmen turn and leave, almost going out the wrong way.)
EMPEROR
Who is this Porsche Mercedes to the Guild? And why do they look so darn confused?
INT. JEZEBEL'S ROOM - TREE SABRE - DAY
(JEZEBEL sits with HASHISH.)
HASHISH
Your Reverence, I don't wish to upset you, but the other women...
INT. PASSAGEWAY - TREE SABRE - DAY
(At the end of the passageway, standing alone -- staring with powerful intense red-within-red eyes -- is AH! LEAH!. She's listening mentally.)
HASHISH V.O.
...they don't like Ah! Leah! around. She frightens them. It is the strangeness, the smallness, of your daughter.
INT. JEZEBEL'S ROOM - TREE SABRE - DAY
JEZEBEL
It's the way she speaks of things, sees things...
(AH! LEAH! is listening - then exits.)
INT. PASSAGEWAY - TREE SABRE - DAY
(AH! LEAH! listens mentally.)
JEZEBEL V.O.
...beyond her years and of things no child could know -- things of the past. -- The far past.
(Pause. AH! LEAH! begins walking. She appears to be angry.)
JEZEBEL V.O. (Cont'd)
A daughter who knew at birth everything I know, like a girl who watched a late-nite, Third-Millennium-skin-flick-B-movie Marathon without any parental controls...
INT. JEZEBEL'S ROOM - TREE SABRE - DAY
HASHISH
But Your Reverence, they won't have her around them. She's freaky and talks all adult, except she isn't a little person, she's a little monster!
(AH! LEAH! enters.)
AH! LEAH!
(Screaming little adult voice:) Hashish! Would they deny me the right to use this mind? (Dances a little a la Shirley Temple:) This body?
AH! LEAH! (Cont'd)
(Using The Tongue:) Would they deny me the right to talk trash? Girl, I wanna know ya, know ya give ya, give ya jungle love oh-wee oh-wee oh!
(HASHISH'S head nearly bursts with pain and she screams as if she were dying.)
JEZEBEL
Ah! Leah! (The Tongue:) Stop! (Normal voice:) Tell me, sweetie, where'd you get such a terrible notion?
AH! LEAH!
Movies, Mommy, movies... where else?
JEZEBEL
Which movie was it? Frenzy? The Watchmen? 2001: A Space Odyssey? What movie put such a twisted thought into your head? Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch? Humanoids From The Deep? Porky's?
AH! LEAH!
Actually, I stayed-up last night watching Scanners...
JEZEBEL
Well, cool it! Do nice things, baby... Ever see Modern Problems?
AH! LEAH!
The one with tha guy who got covered in toxic slime?
JEZEBEL
That's the one, Sweet Pea...
(HASHISH'S low gutteral moans of her aftershocks of pain slowly turn to moans of pleasure. Soon she is thrashing about, screaming in ecstasy, going nuts.)
AH! LEAH!
(Wide-eyed and smiling, intent on perpetuating the woman's continuous, orgasmic response:) You're right, Mumma, this is way more fun than making her head explode...
JEZEBEL
(Smoking and smirking:) Of course it is, baby... it's the Been Lez-a-bit way...
DISSOLVE TO:
BACK TO SCENE - EMPEROR'S THRONE ROOM
EMPEROR
(Firmly:) I want sixty-nine legions of Sativa Warriors on Darukkus at once.
SATIVA OFFICER #1
Er, uh... Sixty-nine legions?... (He looks at the other officers with worry:) Well, not to say you don't know what-chore doin', my lord, but sixty-nine legions? Why, that's our entire reserves as well, Sir.
EMPEROR
This is to be genocide... the deliberate and systematic destruction of all life on Darukkus.
SATIVA OFFICER #1
Okay, Sir. Whatever you say, Sir. Genocide. Sure thing, Sir. We're right on it...
EMPEROR
Oh, go already! No one likes a kiss-ass!
SATIVA OFFICER #1
(Inner voice:) More like a smart-ass, dumb-ass! (Backing away:) Going now, Sir. I'm gone, outta-here. Exit stage left --- Exeunt -- Out through the in door-
EMPEROR
Just go, dammit!
SATIVA OFFICER #1
Yessir. Yessir. Yessir. Many thanks. Yessir. Praise the Emperor! Yessir...
FTB