Scene 8.17 - All's Well That Ends
FADE IN
SPLIT-SCREEN
CG: RUN LAST OF END CREDITS CHAPTER EIGHT
CG: RUN END CREDITS THE LAST AMERICAN MIDNITE MOVIE VOLUME ONE
MS: Hell's Island
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SKY
You can't do this! We live here!
MOE
So do we. Monty gave us half the island.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SKY
I am Governor of this island! My family and I have grown accustomed to living here, peacefully, in solace-
WINNIE
You have a funny accent, man. Look, you do what you want with your half, and we'll do as we please with ours-
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SKY
This is a family community- I will not allow you to turn this castle into a, into a -- what did you call it again?
MOE
A Turkish bathhouse.
WINNIE
And bed and breakfast!
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SKY
This is an outrage, I will petition the King!
MOE
Do what you want, I doubt it will do you good, he's made this whole island a wildlife refuge; and believe me, I'm talking wild life!
DISSOLVE TO:
MS: Former-Cannibal Island
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
What will you have, Mister?
LARRY
Two pork burgers, three fish wraps, seventeen chicken buckets and a keg of that agave juice I hear y'all got down here.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
Yes sir, it is the pride of our restaurant chain. Your number is number seventy-one. Will this be for here, or to go?
LARRY
To go, I got a whole ship of hungry pirates ready to go off and got dig fer some treasure.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
Credit or debit, sir?
LARRY
Debit. Can't stand those extra charges.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
Oh, I hear ya. Thank you for eating at Olmec-Donald's. Junior! Two fat-stacks and three cod pieces and seventeen cock buckets with a barrel of our house vinegarette!
BULLY V.O.
(Off:) Right on it, Dad!
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
Chop-Chop! These are pirates, you know... special customers!
LARRY
(Levels pistol:) If that means our food gets any special preparation-
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
Junior! Hold the special sauce!
BULLY
(Enters.) Buthdad I hava gooun' worked all up in me mouf-
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
Junior!
BULLY
(Swallows.) Right on it, Dad.
DISSOLVE TO:
MS: FORMER-LEPER ISLAND
MS: SHYLOCK and OLAF, lazing on a shore in swimwear.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SEA
Want some more wine, Shylock?
SHYLOCK
No, I will take a hit of that, tho- (Lying across OLAF as she tokes.) Oh Olaf! I'm so glad you came to visit!
OLAF
I would like to stay.
SHYLOCK
Would you?
OLAF
(Points to three young Bikini babes sunning themselves nearby.) Only if'n the girls don't mind if I do.
MONTY'S ANGELS
(Toking.) We don't mind!
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
(Running up to them, Bosley-esque:) Got a message from Monty!
VERONICA
From Monty?
ADELE
It must be important.
ALBERTA
What does it say?
FRIST MATE FREEMAN
It says, "Angels, although this is your first official mission, it may be your most dangerous mission yet -- The Louisiana Purchase opened up a whole new expanse of land for our country, and a whole new expanse of trouble. A rogue trapper and smuggler, John Pierre LaFoote is afoot, to coin a pun."
ADELE
Monty's never good with his puns...
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
He says he needs you to infiltrate LaFoote's illegal beaver-scalping camp and shut his operation down.
ALBERTA
Looks like we have a mission, angels...
DISSOLVE TO:
MS: Roxanopolis
SADIE
One hand, Terfer.
TERFER
She's too fast for one hand. She kicks hard! Ow!
SADIE
She takes after her father. We'll have ours, in due time.
TERFER
I would hope so, a strong kingdom needs a strong heir.
SADIE
Speaking of strong air, you been smokin' my Cannabis Ubiquitous?
TERFER
Nah, just the Unobtainibis, I thought the Ubiquitous was saved for special occasions...
SADIE
Yeah, it is, like for when a Shower-Lynn student goes to the next lev-
(EMERALD presents two cute Shower-Lynn dimples on her arms.)
TERFER
She wouldn't-
SADIE
I dunno, she's been progressing in her train- (Pause.) Hickeys. She gave herself little hickeys. You wanna look like Momma? So cute! All in good time, sweetie...
TERFER
Still don't explain where the weed went-
SADIE
Didn't you make brownies this morning?
TERFER
Did I? Oh yeah, I guess that was this morning, they sure were good.
SADIE
You use my stash or yours?
TERFER
Well I thought what was yours was mine and what was mine was-
SADIE
Uh-huh. Just ask next time, I'm a little touchy about my things, especially my dank.
TERFER
Okey-dokey.
SADIE
Okey-dokey!?! Where'd you pick that up? That's so provincial!
TERFER
Well there was this guy in town and he- you want me to blaze one up or what?
SADIE
I wish you would. I thought you'd never suggest it...
DISSOLVE TO:
MS: BENNIE'S MILK FARM
CHONGI
So then I told the man that I wasn't about to pay a dime over a shilling for those shoes and he thought I was some redneck from the South side of Brazil, but I was no Venezuelan virgin, I'll tell you that-
POKE
You got one of them hypnotic phrases handy?
CHONGI
Are you guys even listening to me?
BENNIE
Hush honey.
CHONGI
Yeah, right. So the guy was totally trying to talk up the shoes when I knew it wasn't real gator hide. I've seen some real gator hide in my day and if I wasn't going to wear an imitation gator blouse, like ever, I wasn't going to pay over a shilling for imitation gator shoes, like I'd wear a blouse anyway, what patriarchal culture thought up that idea?
BENNIE
Don't fret, Slow-Poke. It didn't always work on her mother either. Gin.
POKE
It's no fun playing cards with you when you have to tell me what I have.
CHONGI
Guys, guys are you listening or what? I'm gettin' to the good part-
BENNIE
Have some more lemonade.
POKE
We're listening, wife. You were talking about your shoes-
CHONGI
Not my shoes! I wasn't about to pay a dime over a shilling so I walked out of that store and went next door and what do you think I saw?
POKE
What?
CHONGI
Real gator shoes, half-off. Only two shillings -- so can I spot a bargain or what?
POKE
What did you do with them?
CHONGI
I wore them a couple a times, but they didn't go with my hounds'tooth loincloth or my checkered fig leaf so I would only wear them when sporting my more-revealing, cow-skin thong when I'd go out clubbin' but they were open-toed and modesty got the best of me so I hardly ever wore them plus they gave me little blisters on the back of my heels-
POKE
(Finishes drink, taps glass upon table:) A little stronger this time, Pops...
LOSE CG
LOSE FX: SPLIT SCREEN
DISSOLVE TO:
MS: MONTY'S BEDROOM
(MISTY rolls over in bed and pounces on MONTY, happier than ever. The sun is shining, birds are singing, nobody has to work.)
MISTY
Let's make love again.
MONTY
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
MISTY
(Lays head on his chest.) Oh Monty, this is the most perfect day, at the perfect time in the perfect place! You're simply perfect!
MONTY
As are you.
MISTY
(On top of him, close.) I'm so lucky to have you!
MONTY
(Noticing her touching his golden necklace from their wedding night.) You always will, Wife, you always will....
(They kiss.)
MUSIC UP
LOSE CG: END CREDITS CHAPTER EIGHT
LOSE CG: END CREDITS THE LAST AMERICAN MIDNITE MOVIE VOLUME ONE
FTB