Scene 8.11 - Surprise Encounters
EST: INT. Captain's Quarters, July 3rd, 1815, Late Afternoon
(LARRY has wound down and gotten quite comfortable. MORGAN, looking like an over-worked chief, pours through LARRY'S log book as the two are drinking some two-year-old Cuban Rum and are smoking some elusive Cannabis Unobtainibis [Cuban Rum is one thing, and kegs of rum are as common as bananas, but MORGAN had to bring out the good stuff -- just couldn't risk LARRY recognizing his own smoke.] Both men are gloriously drunk. There is a large chest nearby with an EVIDENCE tag on it.)
MORGAN
And I done put the notice out in every port this side of Liberia, and yet I ain't seen hide-nor-hair of any pirate come to claim it!
(They laugh.)
LARRY
That's- That's simply wonderful! Very crafty -- don't seek the Jolie Rouge, seek her treasure...
MORGAN
I knew they'd ditch it sooner or later... Luck was on my side...
LARRY
That is so cool! You got their treasure chest! A treasure chest of secret maps! That's so cool! I bet they're spitting mad at you! They must be sweating toads in frustration! (Pause.) You're really saying that every treasure map of theirs is in that box?
MORGAN
Aye. Of course, no one will claim it, even if they weren't a pirate I'd wanna hang, supposedly because they say it's cursed...
LARRY
P'shaw! You haven't opened it yet?
MORGAN
It may be poisoned with something. It was gonna get opened for a minute when we first found it, but now they're analyzing sand on the bottom of the chest -- something that someone said looked like white powder. "Sand!" A rookie got spooked and had to get the red-tape moving. I'm tempted; but you know, regulations are regulations for a reason. (Blazes another hand-rolled blunt as if one wasn't more than plenty for two old wannabe-hippies-gone-conservative. Refills drinks.) We have some science-folk doing lab tests on the "sand" to determine its safety. (Beat.) This log book, you've had quite a history with this ship... but I see a curious entry here...
LARRY
Eh? Huh? I keep perfect records; it must be a mis- let's see which- (He moves, MORGAN moves.) exactly which entry are you speaking of...
(MORGAN shows, but does not relinquish the log book. The blunt burns idly in LARRY'S hand.)
MORGAN
This one here, after the former captain, this guy Greenback died, it says some feller named Monty Bizkit was acting captain...
LARRY
Monty -- yes, yes, for like a day... My subsequent entry on the next voyage shows I was made captain after that...
(Reaches over to point and MORGAN looks up at him and places his hands across the log book, watching LARRY'S reactions.)
MORGAN
Uh, yeah, that's the odd thing... I see a later entry that Greenback died of syph, and you took command, but what happened to this Monty fellow? The clap? No log entry: By all appearances, to a reasonable person, it looks like nothing short of mutiny...
(MORGAN whips-out a small spiral notebook from his buttoned shirt pocket and picks up his quill.)
LARRY
Mutiny? (Laughs:) Oh no, Monty just- he just decided, decided he didn't want to be captain anymore, so naturally I took over his-
MORGAN
(Jotting down in notebook.) Just decided, decided he didn't want to be... Well, sir, there needed to be something in here to state that -- If that was the case, he really needed to make the entry himself...if that was the case...
(LARRY passes the blunt, a little concerned and a bit overly-nervous in his manner. He talks fast and is emphatically animated.)
LARRY
He can't, uh, he's dead. Drowned. He's long gone. He kinda ran afoul with the law and drowned somewhere off the coast of-
MORGAN
(Writing:) Kinda ran afoul... Well, sir that's quite unfortunate; dead men tell no tales. (Sips. Tokes, passes.) Really, sir, you needed to make an entry in here to explain that before assuming command of the vessel-
LARRY
I can easily write the explanation in...
(MORGAN moves the log book away from LARRY and looks at him coldly.)
MORGAN
Don't you dare try to cook these books in front of me! I could have you fined and shut your operation down just for suggesting-
LARRY
I- I'm not saying to... falsify anything... the man drowned escaping police custody, I identified his body -- January 15th, 1799 -- it's on record; he drowned, check it out! (Pause.) I'm only trying to help. (Passes blunt, MORGAN accepts.) It wasn't mutiny, I swear.
MORGAN
I would hope not, or I'd have to arrest you! (Pause, tokes. Eases off, smiles.) Look, you've been very cooperative and you seem like a nice chap, so let's see if I can fix this for you. I got a feller below-deck who is a records specialist. We'll find out what we can on this Bizkit fellow, and if he's drowned like you say, we'll let the matter completely rest. (LARRY relaxes.) Our birds can make it to the Miami Precinct in ten minutes. We'll get this cleared up and we'll make an entry; all legal like. We'll fix this, okay?
LARRY
I want to be above-board, sir -- Please don't fine or heavens... impound me; I have nothing to hide and the ship is legally mine...
(Pours him another drink. Passes the blunt to LARRY.)
MORGAN
Relax. Look, there's gonna be no impounding while I'm chief. You seem like an honest guy. I'll be back in a few minutes and it will all be straightened-out and you can be on your way. I'll be right back. Help yourself to the rum and blaze another blunt if I take too long. I'm locking you in only for your safety, it's procedure when there's a violent criminal aboard. You're being cooperative, sir -- please sit tight.
(Takes log book. Goes out, closes door. Locks it. Off:)
MORGAN V.O. (Cont'd)
Agent Jones! Allow no one in my cabin! I'll be back within thirty minutes!
JONES V.O.
(Off:) Yessir!
MS: LARRY, toking, drinking, eyeing the treasure chest
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. Alberta's Bedroom, Beau Monde
(MOE is lying face-up in boxers over some used sheets. A sheet-covered figure is lying next to him, facing away. Throughout his little rant, he lazily strokes the sheet where the hips are and occasionally combs his fingers through the long hair of the head of his lover.)
MOE
It might be another year before we can meet like this again. I would divorce her if we were married, but it's far worse than that -- with Alberta between us, I have to be very careful -- I'm wondering if this could even go on like this...
(No reaction. The near-sleeping, slow breathing figure under the sheets moves a little, as if listening, but not agreeing.)
MOE (Cont'd)
I know I said you could come in Alberta's room, the back entrance, privacy --- I could explain it better if -- but we shouldn't meet here anymore, we still could be discovered here! Too risky! I have servants who simply cannot keep to themselves -- and Misty is due back in two days, three if we're lucky. I don't see an alternative but to break it off... (No reaction.) I mean, we can never meet at your house; your servants are worse than mine and your spouse is the most suspicious and devious person alive. (No reaction.) It was so much easier, before... what are we doing now that is so different than when we were young and carefree?
MS: MOE and SECRET LOVER
(WINNIE turns, without glasses, with false teeth, no shirt, pierced nipples on a muscular chest -- leans on his hand and smiles.)
MUSIC: Psychological-thriller drama sound
WINNIE
We're fighting old age.
MOE
(Pours two mimosas.) And reputation.
WINNIE
It's the same game, only different rules. When we were boys, we had an inheritance to worry about, positions to keep, appearances... None of that matters these days. We could go off together, just you and I. No one would think anything of it...
MOE
It would make headlines. Let's not fool ourselves. (Passes drink.) We should have made a break for it when we were fifteen.
WINNIE
(Sips.) You were fifteen, I was nearly twenty, and engaged.
MOE
Now you're married to the greatest homophobe on the planet.
WINNIE
Nah, she's really not. It was really society back then -- she might have understood; I mean, her father was as gay as they come.
MOE
Yes, I know. That love letter from Noriega to your father-in-law, the one you said outed us; it could have ruined it for us...
WINNIE
He only implicated me. All he really did was ask the old coot to come-out by reminding him that even his son-in-law was a fairy.
MOE
It wasn't obvious; it still isn't. How did he know? What tipped him off? You don't even walk with a swish. You sure don't act gay. Not any more than I do, anyway.
WINNIE
I think that they both talk too much and had speculated correctly. I couldn't risk having Wanda know, or anyone in town -- no one!
MOE
I know where you're coming from. My father said his flintlock was his solution for "The gay man problem." We're together in this.
WINNIE
Fate brought us together at the DeVargos birthday ball -- we've invested much; surely there's a way we can make this work...
MOE
I don't know. I've thought of it long and hard -- I lost a best friend and alienated another just to keep our secret, we've done very, very bad things -- so don't try to make it seem like I'm throwing in the towel, but this can't go on like this; it can't. We'll get caught.
WINNIE
I'd run away with you if I could. Being with you is all I want anymore.
MOE
Win, I feel the same way, I really do... But if we continue... If Misty and Alberta hadn't gone this weekend, I'd still be-
WINNIE
Don't talk of that, Montgomery. We have this time, that is enough until the holidays.
MOE
I always see you when I can.
WINNIE
I know.
(They move in for a kiss, but MOE turns, overcome, shaking his head.)
MOE
We were lucky this time.
WINNIE
Quite fortunate. This L-G-C guy is in concert in SoBe, your girls are away. (Points to large sketch poster of a masked MONTY singing in concert with a slew of cowbell. Underneath is written a venue announcement for SoBe July, 4, 1815.) It's given me a break from Adele's constant prattling about the man, his mask, his tattoos and every piece of trivia about this fellow -- and all those damn cowbells! More and more cowbells! We really should thank his cow for giving us this unexpected opportunity to be together.
MOE
Oh- I gotta milk the cow... (Gets a J from the nightstand. Beat.) If we meet again, we'll have to wait until after Labor Day to do it.
(Lights the joint. Toasts. Yes, I'm well aware that Labor Day was a 20th-Century creation. Still, History is written by the winners...)
WINNIE
Fine, fine. Be happy we're together now; don't fret about the future. (Puts on glasses and sips his mimosa.) A toast, to L-G-C!
(They drink and are about to kiss and then-)
WINNIE (Cont'd)
Say, Montague -- look at that -- even in that mask, doesn't that L-G-C guy kinda look like your friend? He have a brother?
MOE
Which friend? No one I know has a broth-
(Long pause.)
MOE (Cont'd)
No. No... It can't be him.
(The sketched poster looks very photo-realistic. Speaking of History, ever consider that probability mandates that, on more than one occasion, a sketch artist has been mugged?)
WINNIE
We never did find him.
MOE
He's been gone fifteen years!
WINNIE
Maybe he's been in hiding -- it would explain the mask. I mean, "Lord General Casino" is obviously an assumed name.
MOE
Just a stage name. Hiding? He's famous! No. It's just a sketch resembling... (Looks at poster closely.) No... It can't be him! Why would he-
WINNIE
If you were sent away to rot to death in a booby hatch and then you escaped, what would you do? What would you really do?
MOE
Not wait fifteen years!
WINNIE
Maybe he never had an opportunity, we don't know where he's been -- he never arrived at the sanitarium, we know that much-
MOE
It can't be him! He would-
WINNIE
If it is him, then surely he knows about us... And we know where this guy's gonna be tomorrow night. We could both know for sure...
MOE
You mean find out in person?
WINNIE
Absolutely! We must know! If it is him, he'll want us dead, we'll need to stay a step ahead of him... he doesn't know we know.
MOE
It can't be Monty!
WINNIE
Maybe not, but we need to be sure. He could wreck everything we've worked so hard to-
MOE
It's over two hundred miles away, even with currents... Even if we left tonight, we couldn't get there in time-
WINNIE
Not by boat. We could rent a balloon tomorrow morning and be there in ten hours if the wind is on our side.
MOE
Finding and renting a balloon might take a day or more in itself, even for me.
WINNIE
Not for me though. My bailiff belongs to a balloonist club. They're flying tomorrow for some air-parade. We could charter a flight.
MOE
Why are we waiting? I'll make the bed. Get dressed.
WINNIE
Get dressed. Get undressed, get dressed. You're such a romantic, Mortimer.
MOE
We don't have time for romance. I still have to feed the dogs and milk the cow -- I've sent the servants away for the weekend.
WINNIE
I'll feed the dogs, you milk the cow, you're better at that than me anyway.
MOE
What's that supposed to mean?
WINNIE
Nothing. (Approaches, gets close.) I was just trying to be a little romantic... (Palms MOE'S chest.) You were great last night.
MOE
So were you.
(They move in for a kiss. A dog barks and a cow in the distance moos. They chuckle instead.)
MOE (Cont'd)
I think that's our cue. Plus, you got your don't-kiss-the-wife teeth in. Was goin' to mention it last night, but you didn't want to kiss.
(They smirk at each other. Beat. They finish their drinks and begin to get dressed.)
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. Wanda's Greenhouse
(SADIE enters with EMERALD on her hip; a soft teething ring for the tot's lateral incisors on hand. A soft anarchy symbol.)
WANDA
And yes, my little bush, don't you like the water now, yes you do! Oh yes, yes you do!
SADIE
You the lady of the house?
(WANDA is tending a flowering example of Leucadendron cryptocephalum [Concealed Conebush] in a rocky flower-pot of unusual shape. She jolts upward, nearly spilling her water pitcher.)
WANDA
Oh my goodness! You startled me! My butler is still in the house... he told you I was out here?
SADIE
No. I heard you singing in here earlier. You have a nice voice. Anyway, I didn't come to see your butler, I came to see you.
WANDA
Yes? Who are you?
SADIE
I'm Dr. Sadie Ratchett-Conn, Chief Of Medicine at The Hell's Island Sanitarium and Rehabilitation Center on an unremarkable island off the coast of Brazil. But that's not important -- the island's been sold to my baby's daddy and I don't need to work anymore anyway. I'm not here on official busi-
WANDA
Okay... What can I do for you, Dr. Conn? What is the nature of this unexpected visit?
SADIE
Just came by to verify some facts for a good friend of mine -- please answer me just a few questions and I'll be on my way.
WANDA
Facts? Questions? Questions about what? What's this about?
SADIE
Your butler, Wentworth, you say? Is he alone in the house? Your husband is away, I presume?
WANDA
I didn't say. And yes, he's alone and my husband is away at a business meeting or something... Really, if this has something to do with testifying at one of his court proceedings, he will be back in a few days.
SADIE
Oh, no, this has everything to do with you. You're who I want ta talk to.
WANDA
(Stops what she was doing and looks at her impatiently.) Okay, Dr. Conn?
SADIE
Only one question out of curiosity, really: When are you planning to tell your daughter that your husband is not her father?
WANDA
Wh- what?
SADIE
Look, I could care less, but the red hair on her head is as ginger as her dad's; her real dad's hair; the guy who is at the stream doing your laundry; sniffing your undies as we speak. When were ya gonna tell Adele an' what exactly were you goin' to tell her?
WANDA
I- I really don't think you-
SADIE
Oh, can it, facts are facts. She's gonna find out anyway, so I was wondering how you were planning on explaining it to her so I can kinda soften the blow...
WANDA
(Points hand-held gardening spade toward her like a weapon.) I think you need to leave, now.
SADIE
Okay. Never gonna tell her, huh? Suit yourself, can't say I didn't try. See you later, lady.
WANDA
Wait! (SADIE stops.) Who are you, what do you want?
SADIE
I'm a friend of a friend. You want to be miserable living with a man who doesn't love you and have your daughter resent you, be my guest.
WANDA
It was an arranged marriage... (Pause.) I don't want to lie to my daughter, I love her. She's all I really have. I've hurt her...
SADIE
Lies hurt, but sometimes the truth can heal those wounds. Be honest to yourself. Wouldn't you like to know more and wouldn't you like to be with your butler and your daughter in this house instead of living a half-life with the loser you're shacked-up with?
WANDA
(Sobbing, choking up.) You- You're a very mean person. You come here to ruin my- my only merciful kindness, destroy my only...
SADIE
Don't cry, I come in peace. Lady, I mean you no harm. If you want better things to happen, just say the word. You and Adele and her father can live here together and you can tell her yourself in your own way.
WANDA
I would want that to happen, but it could never happen; not really.
SADIE
Leave that to me... have some faith.
WANDA
(Puts down spade, overwhelmed like a trapped animal.) Who are you and why are you doing this to me? Every day I pray I was rid of Winston, or that he would take a long trip somewhere -- but it never happens... and Wally-
SADIE
It's okay...
SADIE
I hired him as our butler and Winston never even noticed that he was the very same man who worked as his guard for three years! Winston cares about nothing but himself. Wally cares about everything, me, Adele -- he's a very caring man!
SADIE
(Sparks blunt, passes.) When did you meet? You and Wally, I mean...
WANDA
(Tokes.) A year after I was married. Winston was a different man after our marriage -- it was like everything he did for me was part of an act and once we were wed, he stopped acting like he cared about anything, especially me. But then I met Wally. He made a very nice comment to me when I was visiting Winston for lunch. It was my 19th birthday... I was so young and naive and so much prettier then...
SADIE
(Tokes.) You're still very pretty now. Go on...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. Outside door of Winnie's office.
(Flashback, WINNIE'S office as Chief Federal Prosecutor. MAN CLEAN-SHAVEN WITHOUT HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE OR SOUL PATCH stands rigidly and officially outside of the door; yet reacts. WANDA is inside the office, speaking to WINNIE.)
WANDA V.O.
Please, just today. It's my birthday-
WINNIE V.O.
(Didn't hear; interrupts:) Wanda, if you wanted to have lunch with me today of all days, you should have told me this morning and I would have told you I have a report and an audit to the Imperial Office Of Homeland Security And Native Relations tomorrow and it's going to take all of my day and most of my evening to get my case prepared - maybe we can picnic on Tuesday, next week, when this is all over-
WANDA V.O.
Just take a short break, outside, it's beautiful- I've found a secret little waterfall four blocks away that I know you haven't seen yet!
WINNIE V.O.
I don't have time! (Pause.) I'm very busy. At this rate, I may have time for take-out late tonight -- probably not, considering the time you've made me waste already...
WANDA V.O.
I made us homemade lasagna, my mother's recipe. It's still warm and-
WINNIE V.O.
I'm not hungry, just very busy! Wanda, understand. If you want to have more of those pretty dresses you like to wear, you have to respect that I have to work to make the money to-
WANDA V.O.
It's all right; I'll eat alone. Again.
WINNIE V.O.
Don't be so selfish and unreasonable, Wanda! The world doesn't revolve around you; stop being so childish -- you show up unannounced to my work out of the blue and expect me to simply drop everything just because you want to eat with me? I'm sure the Bailiff of Judge Waite would just love to hear I was unprepared for my case because I couldn't resist my wife's lasagna.
WANDA V.O.
(Softer, yet firm and clearly heard:) Forget that I even bothered...
WINNIE V.O.
(As WANDA enters the hall, we see a blurry WINNIE seated at a pile of papers on a desk buried underneath somewhere raising a hand and waving before going back to work...) It's okay! Nice to see you, too! Have a great day shopping on your picnic! I'll see you tonight! We'll talk about me coming along next time... maybe Tuesday if it doesn't rain!
(Slam! WANDA pants, standing there on the other side of the cold wooden door, huffing back tears while cradling a cute picnic basket and small blue-and-white blanket... She's pimpin' it in an Irish linen, blue-and-white, variegated-weave dress in the retro style of 1754. She even has a white bow set in hair with a nape flip-up style. She has youthful features pure as Piper Laurie's.)
WALLY
(Unsure:) Sure smells delicious from here, mam. I'm sure he's missing out.
(She looks to him, sniffs and strides to a retro-deco hand-winch elevator made of walnut and oak. She pushes the button and we hear chains rattle and gears move. WALLY, watching the backside of stride looks back forward as she turns back to him.)
WALLY (Cont'd)
Right, pardon my impudence, Miss. (Pause.) And happy birthday, Ms. Winnebego.
WANDA
You- you heard?
WALLY
Yes, yes, Mam. Between you and me, milady, I wouldn't care if it was The President I was seeing tomorrow, Judge Waite could wait until hell froze over if I had a chance to even spend five minutes to talk with an angel from heaven like you. He's either gay or he's a complete fool. (Back to standing at attention.) You deserve much better than the likes of him, if'n ya don't mind my sayin' so, he ain't good enough for you -- you deserve a prince.
(Ding! The elevator doors open and the elevator is empty. WANDA begins to step in, but pauses.)
WANDA
Would- would you like to have some cornbread for later? You must get awfully hungry having to hold up that wall like that.
WALLY
(Smiles, turns.) I guess that's why my name is Wall-ace. I'd appreciate anything you'd give me, Mam.
WANDA
Wanda, my name's Wanda. (Steps toward him, extending a dainty, elegant, gloved hand.) Your name is Wallace?
WALLY
(Walks to meet her halfway, bows.) You can call me Wally.
WANDA
That's a very nice name. Proper. Strong. (Beat.) Noble.
WALLACE
Thank you. I think the name Wanda is almost as beautiful as you are.
WANDA
Would- Would you be in trouble with my husband if you left your post for a quick bite to eat? I'd hate for all this to go to waste...
WALLACE
Not at all. I don't work afternoons. I've been off for a bit now. Honestly, I stayed here only so I could get another glimpse of you.
WANDA
You've been watching me?
WALLACE
(Blushes.) Every time you visit. I have a pretty great day; you sweetening the halls with your perfume -- you're very lovely...
WANDA
Maybe I should visit more often.
WALLACE
(Offers hand to bar the doorway, preventing the elevator doors from closing somehow and nods a 'ladies first' nod.) Mam, you said you have discovered a secret waterfall?
WANDA
(Getting in elevator:) Yes, four blocks down... it's a little off the beaten path....
WALLACE
Hmm. (Beat.) Your mother's recipe smells wonderful.
WANDA
It's one from the old country...
WALLACE
The best. Nothing better for a mouth than a taste of the old (Hey now...)-
SOUND: Elevator doors closing.
CUT TO: SADIE POV IN GREENHOUSE
SADIE
Okay, okay, I know where this is going, I know what it leads to -- I got one of my own. (On cue, an almost-crying grimacing EMERALD grabs her mother's ear and tugs.) Okay honey, I know it hurts, but the benzocaine is in the balloon and-
MS: Women and tot
WANDA
(Passes.) Benzocaine?
SADIE
If I said rum, somehow, people would be all up-in-arms about how I'm an unfit mother giving alcohol to a minor and all that and somehow it would be an end to the Universe as we know it and all that so I thought it best just to skirt the issue altogether with benzocaine...
WANDA
(As if that explained it perfectly.) Oh, okay.
SADIE
(Tokes, passes.) Whatcha say we all go see Adele so you and Wally can come clean once and for all?
WANDA
I couldn't. It would wreck her. Winston would disinherit us. (Tokes.) Wally and I would be out on the street, prostituting ourselves.
SADIE
No, no; you'll get everything anyway cuz your hubby will either be dead or financially-ruined by Bureaucrat. You listen to what your husband says way too much. It's why I never bothered to get hitched. Most men don't ever know anything worth ever really thinking about anyway. You're covered if money's what you're worried about: My friend is super rich -- like, he owns countries and things, so it really won't be a problem...
WANDA
I don't know about this... I've just met you; you could be a patient that escaped from that Sanitarium and you might be making all this up.
SADIE
Would I lie? (Beat.) We've gotta go either way. Poopie's diapers are in the balloon, and she's left another present for Momma.
WANDA
(Tokes.) Balloon?
SADIE
Yeah, a laser-powered air-craft parked on your little lawn over there, the one that looks like a chess board. We're heading to the concert in so be and we need to be there plenty early. You coming or not?
WANDA
(Passes.) I'll get Wally.
SADIE
Good.
WANDA
This- this isn't a trick? (Pause. Almost excited, beat.) Who is this friend of yours that you say owns nations?
SADIE
Alberta's father.
WANDA
What? Baron DeMoney?
SADIE
(Roaches blunt. Blazes another blunt, passes.) No. Baron DeBureaucrat... Look, I said there's more for you to know and if you want to know more we gotta catch this trade-wind way before sundown. My craft only flies in the daytime and a few hours at night with batteries. I don't want to have to swim to shore and neither do you.
WANDA
Thank you. (Tokes.) I- I really don't know what you just said, but I will get changed and Wally and I will be right out.
SADIE
Cool. So, do you still cook at home, Wanda?
WANDA
Yes, why?
SADIE
Think you could pack some applesauce? She only decided this morning that she no longer likes mashed carrots.
WANDA
(Smiles.) Sure.
SADIE
Don't tarry.
WANDA
(Leaving with blunt, almost skipping with excitement.) I shan't!
DISSOLVE TO: