Scene 6.09 - Mystique: Sweet Nancy’s Pantry
EXT. Infinity Island, Dwarf-Planet Tellusia
(WELLS is sunning-himself on a tropical beach in paradise, napping. His eyes are closed and he is wearing an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and has a sea-shell necklace gracing his tanned and gray-hair-peppered chest. He is splayed in the sand and a large beach hat and sunglasses add to his wardrobe. The GUARDIAN OF INFINITY looms just behind, unnoticed by WELLS until it finally speaks in a booming, echo-ey voice, startling WELLS to a great degree.)
GUARDIAN
Time has resumed, all is as it was. Many such voyages are possible, use me as your gateway to other worlds, to other times.
(WELLS almost loses his soft-wicker sun hat as every limb except his left arm [keeping the hat on and skull inside his scalp] attempted to jump out of his skin.)
WELLS
Yay-zoose Kris-toose, you nearly gave me a heart-attack! Damn, bro! Don’t sneak up on me like that!
GUARDIAN
I did not sneak up on you, I merely brought you back; to the place of all beginnings, all endings...
WELLS
Yeah. Figures. A second ago I was at a real happenin' party in the Twenty-First Century, now I’m back with the talking Viewmaster... Hey Guardian, what happened to the party?
GUARDIAN
That is... what was.
WELLS
Well, can I go back to it?
GUARDIAN
I don’t know, can you?
WELLS
May I?
GUARDIAN
Fageddaboudit. Be here, be now.
WELLS
Here? Now?
GUARDIAN
You have returned to the moment after you left before. All is as it was.
WELLS
I’m back on Tellusia? How is that possible?
GUARDIAN
You, alone, have been time-tethered. I’ve brought you back to the place of origin, unharmed, and no worse for the wear.
WELLS
You call this no worse for the wear? Why’dja pull me out when I was having a good time? Why didn’t ya pull me out when I was stuck in Oblivion or when I really needed a rescue? I was really hitting it off with that Amazonian chick with the derby and the heavy mascara... Hey, while I’m on the subject... If I’m here, what happened to everybody else? Where’s all the women at?
GUARDIAN
They have ventured into... what will be.
WELLS
Say what?
GUARDIAN
Behold!
(Again, we get a nice little show on the face of the skyscraper. We see new glimpses [shot angles] of Demetridon.)
WELLS
Hey Guardian, I’m gonna get a crick in my neck craning it like this. You’re shorter, but you’re still like fifty-feet tall; Can you letter-box it?
(The GUARDIAN OF INFINITY morphs into a horizontal shape.)
WELLS (Cont’d)
Yeah, yeah, like that. Now that’s what I call wide-screen. Yeah, baby. Now that’s some serious H-D. Hey, you got any nachos?
GUARDIAN
Take your hunger and work it; I’m a time-portal, not a snack-machine.
WELLS
Hey, just asking. Hey, is that? Hey, are you running this movie backwards or something?
GUARDIAN
One must see the events of the past in order to-
WELLS
Yeah, yeah... Bore me to... Hey, pause that! (It doesn't pause.) That’s the- That’s The U.S.S.S. Nightingale, I’d know her anywhere. Hey Guardian, what is this all about?
GUARDIAN
Observe, and learn...
WELLS
Learn what? I didn’t learn anything the first time I was there! Except maybe who had S-T-D’s and who didn’t! Believe me, Guardian, that’s a real sucky time of my life; I don’t wanna go there... Things were not so good back then -- I worked the clinic’s pharmacy -- boring crap and a bureaucratic nightmare of the most-insidious-
GUARDIAN
Oh, can it! Now shut-up and watch, this is important!
WELLS
Important? Important for who?
GUARDIAN
The future of your human race is at stake, so take a chill-pill.
WELLS
Future- Human race- Hey, what is this?
GUARDIAN
Oh, drop-in, turn-off and tune-out already!
WELLS
Hmmm. (Pause. Finds a monster joint in his shirt pocket.) Hey Guardian, mind if I blaze one of these up?
GUARDIAN
Please do. Anything to get you to stop asking asinine questions.
WELLS
Cool. (Sparks it. It’s tasty. Reflects:) Asinine?
GUARDIAN
Oh, now I’ve got to rewind it, you missed the whole intro.
(The video of various shots of The U.S.S.S. Nightingale suddenly-goes-static, then blue-screen, then in white at the top left corner ...)
CG: [] STOP
CG: <<REW
GUARDIAN (Cont'd)
(Then it all appears mirrored as before and the GUARDIAN’S voice sounds like it is talking away from a microphone or a telephone; as if speaking to someone else.) No, he’s a- no, just go back-
WELLS
Hey Guardian, what’s up? What’s going on in there? You freaking out?
GUARDIAN
Uh, no, now I know I promised the same thing last- no, this is important; you, you can talk to him next time-
WELLS
Hey Guardian, you got someone else in there with you? What’s up wit dat?
GUARDIAN
Well, uh, yes, well, my... neice is here.
WELLS
Your neice? Whoa! So you got a family and all? What, is she a little condo or something?
GUARDIAN
Uh... yes and no. Technically, we’re both discorporated beings living in a celestial plane of inter-dimensional existence with other immortal entities, so gender and physical relations are more... attitudes than realities... We are our own beginning, and our own ending... I’m afraid you wouldn’t understand.
WELLS
Uh-huh; yeah, yeah. Uh, no. Stop being such a rude host, Guardian! What’s this neice of yours got to say about it? Come on, bring her on out here! How often do you get visitors, much less country doctors, that are all time-tethered and all and just happen to drop in and stop by to chat with you incessantly about whatever problems you got and who else is around to watch your lame movies, huh? Yo! Introduce me already!
(From the screen of quicksilver static comes a silver-morphed, Liquid Television-and-Terminator 3-looking chrome shape of a nude woman, strikingly-like RONNIE in feminine-jock-babe-ness, yet shorter and more-frail in stature.)
NANCY
(Trying the traditional human greeting, hoping for a good reaction:) Hello!
WELLS
Ha! Well, hello! (Whistles, adjusts. Even her hair is chrome!) Hey-hey, call me Herbie, babe! Come on over and have a seat with me... Oooh, turn around, lemme get a good look at you!
(I guess it was the right thing to say... She shows-off her body for him, lightly giggling. Unfortunately, we don’t get such a good look.)
GUARDIAN
Don’t let her fool you; she’s only trying to get your attention. Nancy’s a typical teenager. I’m watching her all Summer while her parents are at a Cosmology Convention. You’d think she’d be happy with seeing my excavations on Betelguese IV, but no, it’s the planetary ice-ring skating rinks, the video arcades on Haffenefron VII, all to see boys. Forego the great mysteries to search for something as predictible and obtuse as an acne-prone, pubescent man-child. She’s sixteen-thousand-years old and full-of-all-the-wrong hormones. (Small pause, sees her posing for WELLS:) Nancy! Put on some clothes and show a little modesty... or its back-inside you go!
NANCY
Mumma in’ Pa let me runna-rown nekkid alla-time...
GUARDIAN
Well your mother and father aren’t here right now, are they? While you’re staying with your Uncle Mycroft, you follow my rules. I want you wearing clothes when the human animals are around.
NANCY
(Keeps posing, sticking naked butt out in the direction of WELLS’ face.) But the human ah-men-all don’t seem to mind. Do you, human?
WELLS
Why, no! I’m a doctor, I’ve seen it all before. We amminals, er, animals are quite accustomed to the sight of-
NANCY
See Uncle? He don’t mind none.
WELLS
(Memorizing every chrome pore and every sterling blade of peach-fuzz:) Yeah Uncle, I don’t mind none.
GUARDIAN
Nancy. One...
NANCY
But there ain’t even nobody-else even around!
GUARDIAN
Two...
NANCY
Oh, all-right.
(NANCY morphs a white string bikini and her skin takes on a fleshy, deeply-tanned color with a sheen of suntan oil and light, silverly, glitter lotion. She appears much like RONNIE, except her eyes are ice-blue-white under her do-me-blue eyeshadow and her long, straight, braided hair is true platinum with sparkles of silver-and-white highlights tightly-wound into platinum wire and silver-beads in random places, giving her hair an overall dread-lock appearance. With two five-star, silver barettes, she truly appears celestial. One could say she is a cross between Bo Derek from "10" and Donna Douglas from The Beverly Hillbillies. On the other hand, or with the other hand, rather, one could also say she is a cross between Jeanette Littledove and Nina Hartley from... various obscure, yet-repeatedly-watched vignettes. Still, it's probably best just to say she's a cross between Daphne from the original Scooby Doo, Where Are You? and Holly from the original Land Of The Lost, except a bit more-developed. That about sums-it-up. She's hotter than hot. Her body is deeply-tanned and pierced in many places with silver ball-studs, to include her tongue, which gives her a sexy lisp -- faintly-detectable from across her hillbilly drawl. She lashes a long, white, see-thru wrap of flismy gauze around her waist, draping-it-into the sand and across WELLS’ lap ever-so-briefly.
ELS: Group observed from afar
(If you're wondering what a naked, chrome alien from a future dimension is doing in this Good-Girl book at all, please read my treatise: Morons of Makeup: Who On Alderon Decided To Give Nose And Forehead Ridges and Extra Breasts As Costume Suggestions To The Few If Not Abysmally-Few Single Cosplay Girls Who Ever Bothered To Attend A Nerd-Filled Game-Playing Sci-Fi Convention In Lieu Of A Touchy-Feely Pot-Smoking Lesbian-Wiccan Ren-Faire? [For the sake of future conventions and the hope of "Little Klingons" ever being brought into a future world, let's get back on the stick, costumers -- Science Fiction needs less fish organs plastered across a face, many, many less bear-trap vaginas, more miniskirts hiked to mondo levels and many, many, many more exhibitionistic characters like NANCY.])
GUARDIAN
That’s better. Now where was I?
WELLS
You were explaining how my brief time stationed on The Nightingale somehow has something to do with the future of the human race.
GUARDIAN
Oh, yes, yes, of course... I just have to cue it up again...
NANCY
Hey Herbie, can I have a hit o’ that?
WELLS
Why sure, Babe, sit closer, I don’t bite. Here Honey, you finish this one while I twist another...
(Seems WELLS' Bermuda shorts have quantum cargo pockets. He retrieves a sack and some papers.)
NANCY
Cool. Mind if I watch this movie with you?
GUARDIAN
It’s not a movie... it’s what was.
WELLS
Yeah, yeah, sure. (To NANCY:) So is it Babe, or Goddess?
NANCY
(Giggles:) My name’s Nancy.
WELLS
That’s a beautiful name... Nancy. Like music. Nan-see. As pretty as you are, Nan-see.
NANCY
Ohh, sweet. (Pause.) Ya know, I think you’re kinda nice-looking, too.
GUARDIAN
Can I continue?
NANCY
I don’t know Uncle Mycroft, can you?
GUARDIAN
May I continue?
WELLS
Your name’s Mycroft?
GUARDIAN
You got a problem with that, Herbert?
WELLS
Nah, nah, you just look more like...
GUARDIAN
Like?
WELLS
(Licking paper:) Like a... Wall-ee, or Cliff, or maybe, Ridge...
GUARDIAN
I’ll let my mother know how you feel next time I see her... Is there anything else before I continue? Anyone need to go on a bathroom break or anything?
WELLS
Nah, we’re fine.
GUARDIAN
You sure? No one in those poopy and pus-filled bodies needs to go number-two? No? So... I have your attention now?
WELLS
Well, I guess I could use a drink, man. (Pockets the rolled joint with his stash.) Canya hook a brother up? I got cotton-mouth out the yam-yam...
NANCY
Sounds bad, Herbie. I kin make us drinks tho. (Suddenly and mysteriously produces a tray cradling a bartender‘s mixing vase, two glasses, two straws, a thermos, and a pitcher of ice.) You like a Macedonian Coconut Flip?
WELLS
I-uh. Yeah! What’s that?
NANCY
It’s like lemonade at first then its like a mint-julep with a hint of raspberry and olive-oil. (Pours into shaker, goes to it.) Oh, and lots and lotsa coconuts in it. (He's checking out her coconuts.) You like Pina Coladas?
WELLS
Love ‘em.
NANCY
(Produces two cold, multi-layered drinks with unbrellas and fruit on the rim and all.) They’re like that ‘cept there’s a little black cherry after-taste with the pineapple and there’s one heck of a kick at the end; gets me all giggly and light-headed and all. Here, try it...
WELLS
Mmmmm!
NANCY
You like?
WELLS
Yes! Good!
NANCY
Plenty more where they come from...
WELLS
Yum. Plenty more of this too!
(He showcases the rolled joint and produces a lighter from his bulging, front pocket. The bulging, front pocket in his shirt, that is.)
GUARDIAN
Alrighty, then. Is everyone ready now?
NANCY
Sure, Uncle Mycroft, show us your movie.
GUARDIAN
Like I said, it’s not a movie, it’s what was.
WELLS
Whatever. Hey, Nancy, you want a foot massage?
NANCY
Ooooh yeah. (Eases back, feet on WELLS' lap:) I’m all yours, Herbie.
GUARDIAN
(Sighs:) All right, all right. Pay attention. It begins on the United States Space Ship Nightingale...
WELLS
I should tell you Nancy, I was stationed there; I know what happens. This is where I met the Captain of the ship I'm stationed on now -- he continually got me in trouble -- and this movie doesn’t have a very happy ending.
NANCY
Then we’ll just have to make one for ourselves. Cotton candy?
(She produces a pink, fluffy, sticky cone of the stuff on a whim; picks at it.)
WELLS
Kinda sticky. How about some massage oil? Can you call up summa that?
(She chucks the cotton candy aside, produces a bottle of "Peter Piper’s Coconut-Flavored Love Lube." A beach umbrella appears behind the couple, opening fully and providing shade.)
WELLS (Cont’d)
(Leaning back into the shade, chucks hat, begins massage:) Now you’re talking. Relax, Sweetie.
NANCY
(Lays on a large teal-and-pink-coral-colored beach towel, hands him a large blue one:) I’m all yours, Herbie. All yours.
(GUARDIAN does the equivilent of clearing his throat. New Trinity slowly begins to eclipse the sun, making the Tellusian sky prismatic and spectacular.)
WELLS
You must be a bachelor, Mycroft.
GUARDIAN
What makes you say that?
NANCY
(Aside:) He is.
(An image of WELLS suddenly-appears on the screen, apparently somewhere aboard The Nightingale, many years before. WELLS approaches a yeoman; played by CAMEO 20, wearing a military uniform. WELLS cautiously looks to the left, and then to the right. The yeoman does the same. Pause. Suddenly they lip-lock and it looks like they’re skipping first base and trying to get past short-stop before anyone notices. Sappy, daytime-drama music plays.)
GUARDIAN
Behold. This is you, years upon years ago.
NANCY
Wow! You sure got some moves!
WELLS
Her? The Commandant's Daughter? Sweetness, that ain't the half of it.
NANCY
Oooh, I bet not. Wow, you were pretty cute back then when you had all your hair... (He stops massaging.) Oh, but not really as nice-lookin’ as you are now, tho- You’re so much more mature and better-looking now... Plus, if you were that experienced back then... (He goes at it again, grinding into her heel from both sides:) Oh yeah, right there, oh! My heels hurt so bad... But that feels so good!
WELLS
I’m just getting started...
(The couple on the screen are going at it, near short-stop, leading off to third. On both the screen and also in a nearby grove of Tellusian palms, a shadowy-figure looms in the distance, unseen by the frolicking pair. The pair on the screen dart into a closet. The figure down the hall approaches; a brassiere flies outward, as does a mini-skirt. As the dark figure approaches, WELLS' arm, holding a pair of red panties, prevents a female hand from retrieving them, as they're out of reach. WELLS limply drops the panties into the hallway. We see the dark figure bend over to pick them up just as the closet door slams closed. A man's face, obscured by the sniffing of the panties returns to the shot. VERNE chuckles and walks on by the camera. We only can see his smiling eyes behind his red, lace mask. A Pervo-Nemo.)
CUT TO: WELLS AND NANCY
NANCY
Ah, yeah! If this is all foreplay, Herbie, I can’t wait to get to...
GUARDIAN
Nancy, I’m not telling your mom I simply watched you spend your summer vacation getting knocked-up by a human. Cut it out.
NANCY
Oh, you’re no fun, he’s just massaging my feet.
GUARDIAN
I know better. One minute it’s a foot massage; the next, afterglow.
NANCY
Afterglow? (To WELLS, excited at the sound of it:) What’s afterglow?
CUT TO: