Scene 8.16 - Grand Summary
EST: EXT. Roxanopolis, Catacomb Cave Entrance - July 5th, 1815 - Early Morning
(The group awakens in the catacombs. All are masked, bound and gagged. MORGAN: Peacock. CAMPY: Ape. TERFER: Dragon. SADIE: Hawk. EMERALD: Bee. MISTY: Butterfly. ALBERTA: Panda. VERONICA: Parrot. ADELE: Starfish. WANDA: Kitten. LARRY: Zebra. MOE: Pig. WINNIE: Jackass. HAYLEY: Fox. WALLY: Chameleon. MONTY: Skull. MUGGS: Dragonfly. ONE-EYED PETE: Unicorn. LUCKY: Frog. FIRST MATE FREEMAN: Lion. He paces before them, gleeful.)
MONTY
(All except EMERALD were nerve-pinched by MONTY. EMERALD happily rides and comments from a back-pack papoose that MONTY wears throughout.) There now! You all should be awakening. We're in Roxanopolis now. I gave you all a Mystic Shower-Lynn Neck Pinch and put you all out for the voyage here. I imagine you will all continue to be paralyzed for at least another ten minutes. Plus, while I was imprisoned, I devised four thousand six-hundred and fifty-one new knots, are all impossible to untie while bound, a fact which many of you are quickly realizing. Hahahahahaha! Today is my day! Today! I get my justice!
MISTY
(Trying to speak:) Mmmm-awnt-
MONTY
No dear, don't try to speak, let me tell you how this went down. Forgive me for goosing you, Baby, but I had to do this my way.
(All grunt as all are alert and jerk their heads to look as each person is named while tied like they're wearing straight-jackets.)
MONTY (Cont'd)
Manuel Noriega and Fidel Castro weren't just sharing a tyranny, they were sharing fluids. Noriega, a gay activist, while planning his escape, attempted to persuade his lover Fidel to come out of the closet via a letter secretly sent through me under the pretext it was an innocent Mother's Day card. Unfortunately, unknown to me, it was addressed to Winston's father-in-law, Wanda's dad. May I call you Wanda?
(WANDA, paralyzed-and-drooling-yet-attentive, nods yes.)
MONTY (Cont'd)
Which subsequently had two other young lovers, namely Moe and Winston, scurrying around trying to silence me, thinking I knew something or even gave a rat's ass about anyone else's affairs all while I was trying to shack-up with my wife, Misty.
SADIE
(Only slightly slurred:) Rat's ass?
MONTY
I've digested every part of their anatomy, Sadie, I can say rat's ass with full confidence in any context, to include when I forcibly have the floor... allow me to continue...
MISTY
Huthy wee nah calway dee!
MONTY
Shh! Shh! Don't try to speak, darling. The effects will wear off in a few minutes and we'll celebrate the executions over a blunt-
(The crowd reacts.)
MONTY (Cont'd)
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was sent to Hell's Island, Larry screwed over Uncle Jack while Misty screwed Moe-
MISTY
Way dath nut thou haspeen awall.
MONTY
What do you mean, that's not how it happened at all?
MOE
Yeth whtha meen nut hoowit hip end etoll?
MISTY
Ifwa slie sis-
DRUNKEN FLASHBACK
(Everyone talks slurred, dreamy. MOE staggers into his bedroom, drunk and happy. He falls onto the bed. MISTY enters after.)
MOE
(Singing:) And he called all the queens and he called all the queens and he couldn't-
MISTY
You're drunk. I'm going home.
MOE
No, no stay. I'm so alone.
MISTY
So am I, now that Monty's gone. Thanks for taking me to the ball, Moe. It lightened my spirits. I should call a carriage...
MOE
No, no... I could be your Monty, I could-
(He passes out.)
MISTY
Moe?
(No reaction. She lightly slaps him.)
MISTY (Cont'd)
Moe?
(She takes off his shoes. She pauses. Old-school lamp over head. Idea...)
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MOE'S bedroom, the next morning.
(Moe awakens. MISTY is making sounds as if she is vomiting into the bathroom toilet.)
MOE
Hello? Who's there?
MISTY
(Running water, mouthwash gargling, spit.) It's me.
MOE
Misty?
MISTY
(Enters, looking radiant; wearing only a slip.) Oh, you were quite the animal last night.
MOE
I was?
MISTY
Yes, I felt- that bond, our bond, and you took control. You practically forced yourself on me.
MOE
I did?
MISTY
So verile! I don't know, being a virgin until last night, but I gotta feeling...
MOE
You do?
MISTY
I dunno, a woman knows these things... we'll see how the month plays out... I'll keep you posted...
MOE
You will?
MISTY
Yeah, I will. (Throws on her clothes, sans corset.) Hey, I gotta go, I gotta meet Uncle Jack about some lending certificates... Hey animal, you know anything about that stuff?
MOE
Well yeah, lending certificates are when a seller needs additional funds to expand-
MISTY
Great, you'll help him? Awesome! I told him you were really smart! (Pecks him on the cheek.) Gotta run, see you tonight, tiger!
MOE
Tonight?
MISTY
Yeah, we gotta talk about that other thing too, tho I'm really not late -- yet. Check with ya tonight, Moe!
CUT TO:
INT. Catacombs.
MISTY (Cont'd)
(Slurred:) A girl has gotta do what a girl has gotta do.
MONTY
Well, even if you had, I would have under- well, it's not like Sadie and I are strangers to-
SADIE
Bureaucrat!
MONTY
You can talk?
SADIE
Mostly. I developed an immunity from most nerve-pinches during my studies at the University, plus, I am a Shower-Lynn master. And these knots? Child's play. You were a sailor? I don't know what you were doing in your cell all that time but it wans't tying anything novel or difficult. Emerald tangles Momma's hair more than you tangled this rope. (She is completely free. Goes to free others.) You should have stuck to counting rocks, Bureaucrat.
CAMPY
(Frees himself.) True that, Master. Mistress Sadie ain't lyin'. Won't let you lash the boat to the dock anymore...
MONTY
W' Y'all chill!?! This is my moment! (Beat.) Since everything is known by everybody, we might as well get the party started.
SADIE
Party?
MONTY
(Produces three wax dolls.) Yeah, the executions. Wrath, Vengeance and Grudge. We're all gonna start again on a clean slate.
MISTY
(Goes to him. Direct:) Sounds fun, once I'm done kicking your ass for doing that to me! You could have killed me!
MONTY
No, no, I wouldn't have kill-
(The crowd seems to agree with MISTY and rises in tempo and volume until MORGAN interrupts.)
MORGAN
You might be killing us now! How long we pirates been on shore?
PIRATES
Yeah!
MONTY
Look, I'm close to a cure, you still have several hours-
MORGAN
You'll never find a cure-
MONTY
I cured the lepers! I'll cure you too!
MORGAN
You didn't cure any lepers! I ain't seen no lepers!
SHYLOCK
Well, I was a leper, and he cured me.
(All look. A bikini-clad babe enters arm-in-arm with a tilted-crown wearin' OLAF.)
SADIE
Olaf!
OLAF
Hi Ms. Sadie! I got me a new girlfriend! Isn't she pretty?
SHYLOCK
Fiancee, Olaf, fiancee. Well, heavy-toker, don't you recognize me?
MONTY
You were on the leper island?
CHONGI
(Captioned:) It's Shylock, dumb-ass.
MONTY
What'd she say?
SHYLOCK
I'm Shylock, don't you remember me?
MONTY
Oh, well, yeah, I didn't -- well, you were all bundled up then...
SHYLOCK
Yeah, I guess I was. I want to thank you for curing us. We can live healthy again.
SADIE
Yeah... so what you doin' with Olaf?
SHYLOCK
I came to Roxanopolis to thank you and instead I met Olaf, and he looked so... he looked so regal! Oh, Olaf, he's the smartest man in the world. His mind; I'm in love. The big brawny muscle is one thing, but his mind...
SADIE
His mind?
OLAF
I got to reading some of them engineering books down in these catacombs and started to make sense of some of the pictures they drew. I mean, there was nothing to do here while you all went off to play and I was left here to be the King.
TERFER
I didn't leave you in charge as King, Olaf, I said you you could govern your own house. What have you done to my kingdom?
OLAF
Oh, nothing much, just a few little changes...
TERFER
Changes?
OLAF
Re-inventin' things...
TERFER
What?!?
MORGAN
I think we're losing focus, people, we're talking about my curse. (Beat.) Just because Monty might have cured the leper colony doesn't mean he has a clue about the curse.
MONTY
Oh, I got a clue, I got a clue all right-
MORGAN
Oh yeah? What is it?
MONTY
I know what it is-
MORGAN
Oh yeah? What?
MONTY
It's a- It's-
BENNIE
It's a foot fungus.
(All turn to a wolf-masked BENNIE and and owl-masked POKE, standing toward the cave entrance, the outside barely seen.)
MISTY
Uncle Jack!
CHONGI
Dad!
(All react.)
MONTY
She spoke!
BENNIE
Doctors say it's a psychological thing; unless she feels a familial bond, she feels too alienated to speak; her throat seizes up.
CHONGI
([CANDY, Amazonian secretary of JYNX, in fastest voice possible, almost Valley-esque:]) I don't have any real control over it but the thing is the psychologists all said it stemmed from my development in early childhood and the abandonment I felt when losing my father to a life of piracy and my mother to a mudslide; it's purely psychological so there's no way to take a pill for it so I've been hoping I'd find a husband so I could open up and share my-
BENNIE
It's good, baby, it's good. Hush, now. Once you get her started, she won't stop unless you feed her key hypnotic phrases...
POKE
I think you might need to teach me some of those phrases, Pops...
BENNIE
All in good time.
MORGAN
So Blackjack -- you sayin' that our pirate's curse is just an extreme case of Athlete's Foot?
BENNIE
Something like that. You all wear flip-flops in the shower? (Only MONTY and POKE and EMERALD seem to recognize the significance of the question.) Low-salt diet, four foot-baths a day for a week and a pumice scrub every night and every morning. Soak them in lye for a half hour on two of those days and you'll be cured and right as rain again.
(PIRATES feel much better about it.)
MONTY
Now that everyone has been reunited and everything has been explained and cured and all, we need to burn these effigies and get this party started. (Produces three absolutely huge blunts twisted into one massive spleef.) Anyone got a match?
(Lighters and matches and a thousand points of light appear.)
MONTY (Cont'd)
Now that's what I call service! (Leans in, singing:) Come on baby, light my fire...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. Throne Room
MUSIC: Hip-Hop Folk Dance Beat
(Everyone is socializing and is dancing, drinking, smoking and happy. The pirates have their feet bandaged from a recent pumice-scrub and lye-soak and are dancing gingerly. MONTY, POKE and CHONGI provide the music and blunts are still being rolled and passed about. It's a big-ass party and the whole group is groovin'.)
THE KOWBELL KINGZ
(In the fashion of Sly and The Family Stone...) Yeah!
CHONGI
Get up and toke from the blunt! Get on up and toke from Monty's bluntstick!
ALL
Toke from the Bluntstick! Toke from the bluntstick!
MONTY
Hey Poke!
POKE
What?
MONTY
All we need is some cowbell, for people who only need a beat, I'm gonna add some more cowbell and make it easy to move your feet-
POKE
Addin' a little more cowbell, to motivate the sit-down folks-
CHONGI
You might like to hear my cowbell still playing "96 Tokes" -- You might like to hear the cowbells ringin'-
POKE and MONTY
Be ringin' on the throne, yeah!
CAMPY
(From off:) Chongi and Poke got a message they're sayin':
CHONGI AND POKE
All the squares, go home!
ALL
Toke from the bluntstick! Toke from the Bluntstick!
ROLL ACTING CREDITS as cowbell beat continues, played by MUGGS, LUCKY and ONE-EYED PETE.
MUGGS
What's our role in this?
ONE-EYED PETE
Not much, just back-up rhythm section.
LUCKY
What's that mean?
ONE EYED-PETE
It mean this is our fifteen seconds of fame-
MUGGS
But it's not even fifteen seconds lo-
PAN TO:
MOE
Oh, you've got your other teeth in!
WINNIE
Yes, my love.
MOE
Oh, Win, what white teeth you have!
WINNIE
The better to kiss you with-
(Moves in to kiss him.)
PAN TO:
SADIE
Oh Terfer! I am the happiest woman in the world!
MISTY
(Dancing with MONTY:) Oh, I wouldn't say that!
SADIE
Well, you gotta point there...
MISTY
And so much more...
PAN TO:
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Can't you just give me some digits or something?
ALBERTA
Look I said I'd dance with you, but how do I know you're not a crazy stalker or something? Plus, I got my girlfriends to think of-
VERONICA
Can we cut in?
ADELE
Yeah, don't be such a floor hog!
FIRST MATE FREEMAN
Sure, I can dance with all you ladies...
PAN TO:
DRESSED-TO-THE-NINES WANDA
Oh Wally, this is so romantic! Just like when we were young!
CLEAN-SHAVEN, DAPPER WALLY
(Dips her:) We're still young, my sweet...
PAN TO:
HAYLEY
I missed you terribly.
MORGAN
And I missed you.
HAYLEY
Don't hold bad feelings against Larry, he's a good man-
MORGAN
I don't, he's actually kinda likable. What's our fool son got him doin'?
PAN TO:
(CAMPY is teaching LARRY to breakdance. CAMPY spins on his head and his backside.)
LARRY
Like this?
CAMPY
Needs work, Uncle Lair...
(Picks up LARRY from floor as LARRY tries to put some vertebrae back into place.)
PAN TO:
POKE
This is the best night of my life, hearing your sweet, sweet voice, my dove.
CHONGI
Yeah, did I really ever tell you about that time I was kicked out of my hick tribe and was all alone on that one island and it was really dark and there was this old hammock I used to sleep in that kinda got ratty with age and I used for a mosquito net, like that would ever work, but then I went down to the lagoon and saw this old rowboat and it was kinda silly you know, me all by myself and this old rowboat all rotted out like my dirty old hammock-
POKE
(Pleading over CHONGI:) Honest Jack! Jack!
BENNIE
(Over CHONGI:) She's all yours now... 'Fraid you're on your own, Slow-Poke...
PAN TO:
SHYLOCK
Olaf! I'm so glad I came to visit!
OLAF
Visit? You're not staying here?
SHYLOCK
Oh no! I love my little home island, maybe you could come see me, be my husband there.
OLAF
I would like that.
SHYLOCK
Maybe you could do to my island what you did to this one...
MONTY
(Dancing nearby:) What did he do to this one?
TERFER
(Also dancing nearby:) Yeah...
EMERALD
(From papoose:) Yeah...
OLAF
Just a few changes, nuthin' much, jus' out of them book things you got stored down there. Just like the pictures showed. You don't know?
MONTY
I was too busy walking through walls to really notice anything different. What didja do? Maybe we should check it out, Terfer.
TERFER
We'll scope it in the morning. I mean, how bad can it really be?
ZOOM OUT
(We pass through the wall of the throne room to a neon-filled strip of decadence and electricity. The nightlife is hoppin' and resembles a modern downtown area of a large city. Las Vegas comes to mind with a neon ziggarat, holograms and floodlights throughout.)
FTB