Scene 3.15 - Meat On A Stick
EST: INT. Mine - Early Afternoon.
LS: Cave.
(We see the group round a bend moving furtively and cautiously.)
POCACHICALOT
Something's coming!
TEX RANGER
(Draws his pistol.) I'm ready...
DOC BONEBRAKE
Now remember, get it between the eyes...
MARSHALL LAW
Hush now, I can hear it!
(Suddenly, the girls walk around the corner, screaming in fright at the sight of the men. The men react as well, not realizing the women for who they are until nearly firing-off their weapons. DOC BONEBRAKE raises his elephant gun like a club. RUSTY does a karate pose. The girls just stand and scream.)
TEX RANGER
Ladies! Ladies! It's just us!
SANDEE SNOW
Marshall! You gave us quite a fright!
MISTY SUMMERS
Well howdy, Rusty, I told you that lip-gloss would look good in the dark!
RUSTY
Hi, Misty.
TEX RANGER
Holy honeybees! Whatchoo girls got there?
(The women are decked-out in 1860s sexy, low-cut blouses, mini-skirts, thigh-high stockings and heels. Go-go dancers [tweakin], hippies [freakin] and beatniks [mod]. Their dyed, frosted, spiked and beaded hair-do's are vivid, even in the low light of the cave. Three of the women hold a bamboo pole, dangling a rump roast.)
COMMONWEALTH
Our new outfits, just for adventurin'. Do you like it, Tex? Do my highlights bring out my best features?
TEX RANGER
Well, mam, it's true you're a might pretty all-dolled-up like one o' them burr-less-kee dancers, but I was referrin' to that mess o' twine you got on that pole there. What's that all about?
POCACHICALOT
Hey! That looks like prime, bison rump-roast from Pocachicalot's secret smokehouse.
SUMMER RAIN
Not as secret as you think. They’re not vegetarians. We had to use something as bait.
DOC BONEBRAKE
Ladies, all gussied-up like that, what makes you think that the monster wouldn't choose to eat you instead?
SYNDEE SNOW
It’s plain as day that the monster likes beef, and who kin turn down a finely-roasted slab of pemmican?
TEX RANGER
Well, maybe you all got a point, but didja think of what you were gonna do if the monster showed-up?
AUTUMN BREEZE
That's easy. We got a net!
MARSHALL LAW
Shucks, girls, that net couldn't keep a randy racoon from a polecat in heat!
SPRING BLOSSOM
Well the bigger net was heavy-
HOLLY MEADOWS
And all scratchy...
MARSHALL LAW
Well, it don't make no difference no how, cuz we ain' gonna go traipsin' around tryin' to catch it no more.
COMMONWEALTH
Whatcha mean, Daddy?
MARSHALL LAW
We got nitroglycerin and dynamite. We're gonna blow the cave up and seal the varmit in.
SUMMER RAIN
Blow up the cave!?!?!
(Summer looks to POCACHICALOT, wide-eyed.)
TEX RANGER
Yeah, it's the only way we can be sure it won't git out again.
SYNDEE SNOW
Sounds a little inhumane, Sheriff.
SANDEE SNOW
Can'tcha jus' shoot it between the eyes or somethin'?
DOC BONEBRAKE
That's what I said! Between the eyes!
MARSHALL LAW
Now hold on there. Nobody's gonna be doin' no shootin' nuthin' between nuthin'. We're gonna climb back up outta this well and chuck some dynamite down here and that's that. Look at you girls. You're plumb-crazy to be comin' down here all hopped-up with some false bravado carryin' meat on a stick. Whatja think the monster's gonna do when he sees that?
TEX RANGER
Yeah, that's real cute. I outta get a picture of this. You ladies stay just like that. Don't move, and hold that stick up like you were. Come on, smile, ladies!
AUTUMN BREEZE
You think he's mocking us, Summer?
SUMMER RAIN
I know he is.
COMMONWEALTH
Well, I think catchin' the monster is a whole lot smarter than blowin' up a whole cave hopin' that it's inside when you do it.
MARSHALL LAW
I got Doc's expert testimony that the beast is nocturnal, so that means she is in this cave right now, sleepin'. Right Doc?
DOC BONEBRAKE
Well, nothing's certain, but-
TEX RANGER
Okay, hold it girls.
HOLLY MEADOWS
I'm not going to cater to this.
SPRING BLOSSOM
Me either.
TEX RANGER
No, ladies, come on! This is great. Just hold the stick up there for another second. I promise it won't take but a moment.
COMMONWEALTH
You think we were foolish to use bait.
TEX RANGER
Nah, I don't, I swear.
POCACHICALOT
Well I do. That's fifteen pounds of prime meat, gone to waste.
TEX RANGER
Hold still and smile!
MARSHALL LAW
That's the most fool idea I ever did see. Tryin' to catch a monster with meat on a stick. Ha ha! What didja think, it was gonna jus' come up and-
(Suddenly, a large beast appears behind the women, standing on its hind legs. It grabs the roast. The women scream. Tex snaps a photo as the beast savagely roars at the men, holding the roast casually in its paws. The women quickly react, screaming and helping one another away from the beast. Before MARSHALL LAW can adjust his eyes to see in the dark well enough for a shot, POCACHICALOT leaps upon the beast, swinging his tomahawk wildly, possibly hitting it in the shoulder. The beast grabs the tomahawk.)
POCACHICALOT
Care-bear-barney-rubble!
(The beast suddenly cries out in pain, roars and scampers away into the darkness, howling and carrying both tomahawk and roast.)
TEX RANGER
What in the name of all that's holy was that?
POCACHICALOT
I told you, Smokey-on-anabolix, totem creature of the bear god. Should we follow it?
MARSHALL LAW
Nah, let's get movin'. The sooner we get this well sealed-up with dynamite the better.
POCACHICALOT
Pocachicalot now without both tomahawks. Hope Pocachicalot find good stone to replace.
MARSHALL LAW
We’ll gitcha fixed-up right-as-rain soon as we git back into town. But we gotta git back to the nitroglycerin ‘fore it gets too hot-
COMMONWEALTH
You left a case of nitroglycerin outside? Unattended?
MARSHALL LAW
More like... acupple o' cases. They's deep in the cave entrance where no light can git to 'em a-tall.
TEX RANGER
Well, Sheriff, we were kinda tired of luggin' all them bottles ourselves, so I wouldn' 'zactly say they were deep inside the entrance.
MARSHALL LAW
Well, son, how far into the cave did y'all go?
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