Scene 6.11 - Day Tripper
EST: INT. TUNNEL - OBSERVATION ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(CHEETO, PORSCHE and SEVERAL ARMED GUARDS enter a tunnel to a `thopter landing pad which is illuminated by a shaft of light coming from a chimney-like exit above. DR. BUD KIND and his Brew-men guards are standing next to SMARTY.)
KIND
(To SMARTY:) So, this is Cheeto the Cheesy...
SMARTY
(Sharp, like cheddar:) I hope I made myself clear. You may call him "The Duke," "Master Cheese," or "Duke: Aay-Number-One." And there is a more ancient term you might keep in mind -- "El Zipperhead."
KIND
(Inner voice:) Play out your little comedy while you can, off-worlders...
(SMARTY turns and activates a device...)
INSERT - HORNITHOPTER OPENING
(...which causes the hornithopter behind to fold open ready for flight.)
INT. TUNNEL - OBSERVATION ROOM - DARUKKEEN PALACE - DAY
(The two parties meet and are introduced.)
DUKE CHEETO
So you are Dr. Bud Kind, the Imperial Intoxicologist?
KIND
(Turning to SMARTY:) I prefer the more ancient term, Pusher... El Zipperhead.
DUKE CHEETO
(Smiles at the reference to his fraternity pledge name:) This is my son, Porsche.
PORSCHE
(Like a child who doesn't quite know subtle tact yet:) Are you a Brew-man?
KIND
I am a servant of the His Majesty the Emperor. I have served His Majesty on Darukkus long enough for my eyes to change.
PORSCHE
(Inner voice:) He's hiding something.
DUKE CHEETO
I understand we have you to thank for these smoke-collar things, Doctor.
KIND
They are Brew-men spleef-suit collars. I hope they fit well, my lord.
PORSCHE
"It's not what-cha got, it's a-what you give. It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live. They say it's a blessing, they say it's a gift, they say it's a miracle and I say that it is -- Aw, move over Rover, let Jimi take over: Lemme stand next to your fire."
(KIND'S FREMEN GUARDS, hearing this, are seized with agitation. KIND quiets them, then studies PORSCHE.)
KIND
(Inner voice:) He will greet you with holy lyrics, doncha'-know, and your gifts will be a blessing, U-betcha. (Spoken, nonchalantly:) Most of the jungle natives here are a superstitious lot. They mean no harm. With your permission, I will check the security of your suits.
(SMARTY and the guard move forward warily.)
SMARTY
(Angrily:) The Duke is to be addressed as...
(KIND comes forward and adjusts the Duke's spleef-suit, checking seals and pulling on straps. It's a neckband collar with two cords -- one long with a nose piece, one short with a mouth piece -- also, three straps and a buckle.)
KIND
Basically...
SMARTY
(Leaping forward to protect his Duke:) Sire!
DUKE CHEETO
It's all right, Smarty. We be cool. Cool, like Fonzie.
(SMARTY steps back.)
SMARTY
Yes, Sire. Cool, like Fonzie.
KIND
It's a high-efficiency filter and heat exchange system. Pulverized leaf passes through the first layer and is ignited in the second. The tar is separated as a lubricant for the resin nodes. Deep breathing and heavy chonging provides the kinetic action necessary to vaporize the plant and store the smoke's chemicals inertly. The reclaimed smoke circulates to catchpockets from which you can toke through this short tube. Should you be in the open jungle, remember to inhale through your mouth, out through the nose tubes.
(The Duke is now properly fitted. KIND places the return valve into his nose.)
KIND (Cont'd)
It's the only way to chong... Why, with a Brew-men spleef-suit in good working order, one can sustain a high for weeks, even in the deep jungle.
(He removes the noseplug.)
DUKE CHEETO
My thanks.
KIND
With your permission...
(KIND turns to PORSCHE, running his hands over the collar's slick fabric, all tucked and buckled all-cool-like, making little dread-locks from the long tubes, bunched under the buckle. The tubes don't drape, they're under the buckle -- He stands back with a puzzled expression.)
KIND
You've worn a spleef-suit before?
PORSCHE
No.
KIND
Your collar is fitted Rasta fashion. Who told you how to do that?
PORSCHE
No one. It... seemed the proper way.
KIND
That it is. (Inner voice:) U-betcha! He shall know your stoner ways as if born to them.
(KIND'S Brew-men guards are watching PORSCHE very closely now.)
SMARTY
We're wasting time, Sire.
(CHEETO, KIND, SMARTY and PORSCHE enter the hornithopter...)
FTB