Scene 8.07 - The Cabinet
EST: EXT. July 1st, 1815 - Hell's Island
(CAMPY sits in a lotus position outside of the castle, meditating. The tribal elder of the sky and his immediate family are sleeping on the ground near the basket of the tethered balloon. Awakening, they are outraged. Well, not their toddler, he's cool.)
CAMPY
Silence, sky man! By order of your king, you are assigned the position of Governorship of this isle. You will occupy this position for two years or until you are relieved, whichever comes first.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SKY
How did you bring us here? We're we given a poison? Why have you done this?
CAMPY
(Gives keys to small toddler walking around, chasing a bee.) Here are the keys to the castle -- your manor. There is food I cooked and canned myself in the cellar and a garden with all the heirloom seeds just ready to sprout out back. My recipe book is in the main pantry; follow it. I'll check on you and your family soon. There's plenty of space here, don't get cabin fever now.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SKY
You can't do this! I am the tribal elder of the sky!
CAMPY
(Readying balloon.) By order of the king, you are the governor of this island -- ruler of all who dwell here.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SKY
This island is deserted! There is no one here!
CAMPY
(Shows paper, tosses it to him.) You should have thought of that before you sent us this forged message ordering all of us out of here. I was deep in something good until you and your cronies cooked-up your crappy plan to gain leverage with our King. Maybe you need to focus on your family a little more and affairs of the state a little less. This is a great way to do that. Bonding.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SKY
This is not official! I cannot be a governor of a deserted island!
CAMPY
It's official: You are master of your household. Here's food, medicine and games. Our king appreciates your service and loyalty.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SKY
You can't leave us here! This is an outrage!
CAMPY
(Aboard, loosens tether, floats upward.) Remember, bonding... Until New Year's Day, farewell, tribal elder of the sky...
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SKY
No! Come back! Come back!
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. Cannibal Island
(POKE is in a lotus position, surrounded by hungry men, caught-up in a ceremony.)
CHIEF
Take this, and eat it! (Holding up a large shank of pork:) Dizzus my pig's bawdy witch'll be givenuptoyoo.
(One native rings a cow-bell.)
POKE
(Mystified, somber:) How did this happen? That's what I want to know...
(Tribal Elder of The Mountain awakens. His sons and immediate family follow suit, groggy.)
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
Wha-wha? What's happening? Where am I?
POKE
Shhh! They're about to eat...
CHIEF
Dizzus my pig's blood, deblood ofde newand e'erlasting covann ant twillbee shedferyoo andfo allmen. Doodis inmemree of me.
(Cow-bell.)
CHIEF
Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat!
(The natives pounce on the pork and eat ravenously. Other parish members go after the chicken legs and fish filets spread across a grand barbecue buffet table.)
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
What is this?
POKE
(Getting into rowboat where CHONGI awaits him. She's finishing off a leg of chicken and sparks a blunt.) Your king has made you the new governor here. The position doesn't pay well, yet it comes with a great benefits package: You keep your head.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
You can't do this! I refuse to remain on this island-
POKE
You will do this, and you and your family will remain here and work. We'll send message to you next week with more instructions.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
What is this? Who are these people?
POKE
Recently-converted cannibals. You'll be responsible for settling their disputes and ensuring they don't start eating people again. Easy job, if you ask me.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
(Looks at his chubby boys with their pierced man-boobs.) You have left us to be eaten?
POKE
No, no -- they'll feed you -- you just gotta be real nice to them -- learn their language, teach 'em ours. Teach them to wear masks.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
How long are we to be here?
POKE
Until you've wised up and when you and your cronies stop thinking that poisoning your king is gonna get you anywhere.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
It wasn't me. (Pause.) You know little of those matters.
POKE
I don't care. You're here for most-likely a year or two, so make the best of it. (Sets adrift.) Make your king proud.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE MOUNTAIN
This isn't over!
POKE
I think it is. Like I said, be real nice to the natives. (Lights a blunt.) Have them feed you, instead of feeding you to each other.
(Poke waves to them as CHONGI rows the boat. The family looks about them. An interested and smiling mob has gathered around the tribal elder's family and regards them with curiosity. They fake a few smiles and they politely look to one another.)
DISSOLVE TO:
(The tribal elder of the sea wakes up on a lush beach. SADIE, smoking a joint, regards him. EMERALD is practicing her forms.)
SADIE
We couldn't bring your pet jaguar. He ain't tame-enough to be around my little one, plus they don't like balloons. I set him free.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SEA
What? Where am I?
SADIE
An unremarkable island off the coast of Brazil. This is a leper colony.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SEA
A leper colony!
(He looks to the bushes. There is movement throughout the overgrowth. They are being watched.)
SADIE
Not for much longer. Master Casino in his infinite wisdom, has found a cure to their leprosy. You, my dear man, are to administer the treatment to the lepers. Just follow my instructions, here. I'm a doctor -- just ask if you have any questions.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SEA
What?
SADIE
Your king has made you governor of this island. You have two jobs. One, plant this fruit and make sure everyone eats plenty of its pulp. Two, you are to use this other plant to make a lotion like this. (Rubs some on her arm.) Then you are to rub this lotion all over all the bodies of all the lepers on the island until they don't have any more leprosy and it's all gone for good. In return, they will feed you and make sure that you don't die in your sleep. Understand?
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SEA
This- this is an outrage!
SADIE
You'll get it. (Getting into small air balloon.) Come on, Emerald, say bye-bye! I'm sure the other tribal elders feel the same as you, but it is for the best of the kingdom that you serve your king here. We'll be back in six months or so to check up on you.
TRIBAL ELDER OF THE SEA
You can't do this!
(There is a rustling in the bushes.)
SADIE
Bye-bye! Say bye-bye!
(EMERALD waves goodbye as SADIE puts her into a child-seat restraint inside the balloon's basket.)
SADIE
Now remember, theys your friends. They might look all disgusting, but theys people just like you and me, and if you're nice about it, you might find they all can be downright friendly. (Regards her blunt of Cannabis Unobtainibis. Tokes.) See you later, alligator!
(She waves and departs in a light-bulb shaped, glowing laser-powered balloon. Still, we wonder where UFO stories come from.)
FTB