Scene 4.20 - My Science Project
INT. Oblivion
FADE IN
(It's some time later, perhaps a long while later... It's perhaps a little darker, or perhaps not. The men have completely overhauled the quantum-generator and have salvaged it into various projects. They don't appear any older, but it's obvious that much time has passed in their minds, evidenced by the various projects each man has undertaken to while-away the countless eons of non-time. The projects are made from the elements in the room, but no power sources or cables are seen. VERNE’S project is a massive coin shape, upright on its side, covered liberally with a large, muted, stop-sign-red cloth, about fifty-feet wide in diameter, covered completely. CLARKE’S project is a ten-foot column covered in a muted, primary-blue cloth. HEINLEIN’S project is a ten-foot cube covered in a mustard-yellow cloth. WELLS’ project is in the shape of a Lazy-Boy recliner and is covered with a dusty-white dropcloth, similar to a large sheet. SIMAK’S project is a twelve-foot column with a conical steeple covered with a muted, lime-green cloth. The various projects are lit by unseen Fresnels. Gobos scatter light in other places in random, yet interesting patterns about the acting area. Shadows abound and the men are constantly lit from odd angles, which change as they move about.)
VERNE V.O.
Captain's Personal Log, I-D key, Bova One. Using deception as his prime tactic, The Baron has successfully jumped into the future and has trapped most of my crew here, in the infamous quantum black room. For us, there's no passage of time, no real space to explore. Fearing that the overwhelming madness of the situation may drive my crew to the brink of insanity, I've given them a little wager, offering a week's furlough to anyone who can devise a method for us to overcome our limitless boredom and exhausted patience. We've dismantled the non-operational quantum-generator and have all salvaged what we could, and it seems the deadline has finally arrived, and my men seem very anxious to see what little science projects the others have created to alleviate our never-ending well-spring of mental duress.
(There are five projects in the room, all shrouded with solid-color sheets. Three of the men are leisurely lounging on make-shift furniture constructed from elements seen in the former scene’s wine cellar. The three men are playing twenty questions. CLARKE and VERNE are still working underneath their respective shrouds, and the clanking and hammering suggest they are the last to finish their projects. Eventually, VERNE pops out from underneath, and upon hearing VERNE'S voice, CLARKE emerges as well.)
WELLS
I spy with my little eye something that begins with an O.
HEINLEIN
Is it big?
WELLS
Is it ever.
SIMAK
Is it black and white?
WELLS
Yep.
HEINLEIN
That's easy, it's Oblivion.
WELLS
You got it. Your turn.
VERNE
(Clank! From under shroud:) Ow! Son of a-
HEINLEIN
I spy with my little eye something that begins with an M.
WELLS
Is it bigger than a bread-box?
HEINLEIN
Infinitely.
SIMAK
Is it technocolor now?
HEINLEIN
Negative, but if you stare at it long-enough, you might think you see colors.
WELLS
Hmmm. Is it devoid of real space and time?
HEINLEIN
Yeppers.
SIMAK
Aye, does it bring-about paranoia and the mental-bends when someone's gotten too deep an’ all up inside her now?
HEINLEIN
Rumor has it that it does -- why you askin’?
WELLS
Is is soft as silk?
HEINLEIN
Never.
WELLS
Hard then?
HEINLEIN
Hard as diamonds.
SIMAK
Aye, I thinks I know. You're thinking of More Oblivion.
HEINLEIN
You got it.
VERNE
Well gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for; the time's finally come. Gather 'round; now it's been at least a few days since we started this little contest-
CLARKE
Forty-two days, seven hours and-
VERNE
The important thing is that I asked all of you to think outside of the box about how we can avoid getting cabin-fever while existing in this non-dimensional vacuum... immortally, whether we like it or not... (Clears throat.) It's kept our hands busy and our minds off of falling victim to... (Muttered:) Kubrick's Closet Conundrum.
SIMAK
Aye, the Devil's Dementia, now.
VERNE
Perhaps we're lucky there isn't any "now" to really ponder -- Who wants to be first in this? Hmmm, apparently there's more to this than meets the eye. Wanna show me what you got under there, Rob?
HEINLEIN
I’d love to, Captain.
VERNE
Great. (Claps hands and rubs them together, Mr. Miyagi-style, excited:) Lessee, whatcha got?
(A cloth covers a box. When it's unveiled, there's nothing there but a ten-foot-square-by-one-foot platform, floating ten feet in the air.)
HEINLEIN
(Unveiling it:) I call it Aladdin's Elevator.
VERNE
(Walking under it, astonished:) You've managed to create a suspension-field around a fixed object? Here? Why, I'm simply amazed!
HEINLEIN
It can hold all of us, and creates a permeable-yet-waterproof inpenetrable quantum-sphere and it negates the effects of gravity, inertia and quantum-wind while in the Q-S-I-2. Plus, it's space-worthy!
CLARKE
Fascinating. The applications of this device are innumerable. May I take it for a spin?
HEINLEIN
Sure, if ya want. Anybody can fly it, once you’re in. It's powered by the buzz alone.
WELLS
So all you have to do is sit on it?
HEINLEIN
Sit, stand, whatever. (Magically-lowers it to chest level.) Just think of where you want to go, and whoosh! You're there!
VERNE
(Measured:) Of course you mean what direction you want to go.
HEINLEIN
Yeah, I stand corrected. Which way you wanna go; sorry. It can't take us home, guys.
CLARKE
(Studiously examining the hull:) Mr. Heinlein, a question.
HEINLEIN
Shoot.
CLARKE
Have you tested the mechanism?
HEINLEIN
Remember when I was gone that day- well, remember when I was gone a while back and I said I was exploring the surrounding terrain?
WELLS
Yeah, you said you got lost. Well, did you find anything? Evidence of anything else?
HEINLEIN
(Measured. It’s the only time we ever see HEINLEIN tell a lie. He was ordered to. He slowly blinks. VERNE catches it, since HEINLEIN eyed VERNE before he decided to blink. SIMAK is looking away.) No. (Now, truthfully, as to the rest of Oblivion:) There's nothing out there, a flat illusion of a horizon, a black floor, a white sky, everything we've all seen for ourselves already. Nothing new or different. (Wondering if perhaps he is crazy and that maybe he wasn’t lying -- maybe it was all a hallucination in his head. Guilt weighs heavily on HEINLEIN, the crew sympathizes, seeing it as the true effects of Oblivion weighing upon him. Only one way for him to know. He’s got to talk to VERNE alone.) I suppose a transport platform was pretty stupid since we got nowhere to go.
(Ad-lib protests. The men think the device is da bomb. They whole-heartedly support HEINLEIN’S creative endeavor. [Don’t hold your breath on finding out what’s really out there in Oblivion anytime soon. The only hint you’re gonna get is that VERNE knows what’s out there already and knows HEINLEIN is lying -- but why? VERNE doesn't ever learn why.])
SIMAK
Aye, don’t-a sell yourself short now. It’s tried and true. It’s quite a triumph of engineering now, laddie.
VERNE
Whatchoo got there Smokey that's got you all leaning up against it like it's nothing special? Cute. It's got the shape of a little rocketship. Is that what it is?
SIMAK
You must-a been surprised every Christmas morning, Captain, cuza you're no good at guessing. That's notta what it is at all. (Unveils it. Two, twelve-foot trees of marajuana sit intertwined inside a well-lit, transparent cylinder. SIMAK opens the casing and picks a few of the dried, fallen buds below the marajuana trees. He packs one into his pipe:) Aye, getting all this cabin-fever now has gotten me all jones'n dontcha-know, so I thought I'd rig-up a little hydroponic greenhouse now.
(The men are all about it, and rush to the buds like children rushing to candy from a broken pinata.)
VERNE
Two female trees! This one's Simoleon Spice! And Blue-Velvet! Now that's awesome, Smokey. You may not win the science fair for solving our problem, but you get the 4-H blue-ribbon for coming up with some good brain-numbing dank to get us through these long, sleepless hours.
HEINLEIN
You should have shown us this first. Aladdin's Elevator could have waited. Mind if I twist one with summa this?
SIMAK
(Producing super-sized, conical phatty rolled with a whole package of rolling papers.) I'm-a already ahead of you, lad.
(So begins the great chong-out that continues to the end of the scene. Other joints are twisted, and bowls are loaded.)
WELLS
What do you got there, Clarke?
CLARKE
Oh, just a little supercomputer that can calculate probabilities and play some chess.
VERNE
You're too humble. Let's see it already.
(It's RONNIE in the robot outfit from Metropolis, like a little C-3PO with breasts. She was in a cylindrical box, so we didn't see the shape of her until the unveiling. She clanks out and walks to them awkwardly, making odd, robotic noises the entire time.)
SIMAK
Great Scotty!
HEINLEIN
It's, it's-
WELLS
Oh, you've done it now! You made a fem-bot! We'll be fighting over her for weeks!
VERNE
I- I'm amazed at the engineering of it, how is it powered? Does she use the buzz?
CLARKE
I initially thought to trip a phantasmic relay, but a closed-circuit allows it to-
(It stops moving. We hear something whirring inside, like fan blades striking a fork as the fan cord gets pulled from the wall socket. Reverse and replay again like in The Stepford Wives when that one robot-chick knifed herself.)
ROBOT
Uh, hello, I'm terribly sorry, I didn't mean to intrude, no, don't get up-
WELLS
What's wrong with her, Clarke?
CLARKE
There's still a few bugs to work-out. I found that with no real woman to compare her to, my memory of the actual specifics of a woman's anatomy is rather... muddy. Between the computer's memnomic conduits and its locomotive processors, I've had trouble with-
(It sparks, pops. Smoke like the kind from burning wires emits from its metal shoulders.)
VERNE
Looks like she's getting a little hot under the collar, Clarke.
CLARKE
Oh no, not again; I thought I had fixed that. Perhaps engram compression will remedy-
(One more spark and pop and she falls apart, limbs detaching, head rolling to CLARKE.)
ROBOT
Storm-troopers, here? We're in danger, I must tell the others. Oh no, I've been shot!
SIMAK
Oy vey!
ROBOT
Does not compute. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error.
(She repeats the message to ad-infinitum nauseaum.)
CLARKE
Back to the drawing board. (Picks up head, throws it, we hear it bounce to the horizon, caught by inertia with no friction to slow it down. The voice fades away.) I suppose this means I'm disqualified now.
VERNE
On the contrary. (Passes joint to him.) Admirable attempt at easing our minds. Playing a chess-game shaped like a woman might have been just what we all needed to get our minds off of the fact that- Well, anyway, it was a noble effort, Clarke.
CLARKE
Perhaps I can try again. Tomorrow's another day. (Deep hit; looks over to next shroud.) What have you built, Doctor?
(As WELLS continues to verify VERNE'S fears with a plausible description of what VERNE suspects it to be, VERNE also dreads that he may be good at guessing Christmas presents after all. He isn't feeling too good all of a sudden, and takes a deep breath.)
WELLS
Well, this old dog can't learn new tricks, but he can fetch some good, old-fashioned, home-spun remedies from the quantum-cupboard. I may not have invented anything new like the lieutenant, or tempered anything organic like our chief engineer, but it works a few-shades-better than Clarke's old chess-game! Simply, it's this country doctor's number-one prescription for beatin’ those black-room blues; a full-scale, neural-interactive, sensory-enhancing decompression-chamber! Behold: A dream machine!
(Like a dentist's chair with two neon waffle irons on the head-rest. Reference: Star Trek: Dagger Of The Mind.)
CLARKE
Quite a marvel, Doctor! Does it also have a manual programming function?
WELLS
Of course!
SIMAK
Oh, I could-a use a few days in that, now! You got lassies programmed in there, too?
WELLS
If you can imagine her, she'll be real as you want her to be. And if you wanna get real-nasty, go for it. (Pats and caresses it.) There shore ain't no confounded, parental controls on this baby!
HEINLEIN
(For once, begins removing his gun belt:) I haven't shot a game of pool in months, haven't been fly-fishing for even longer. And it's been so long since I've been with a woman... Can two people use it at once?
VERNE
Nobody's going to use it.
WELLS
Wha? What do you mean, Julie?
VERNE
I have an issue with this device, and I'll nip it in the bud right now. These things are fun to play with when we need to jump in a lake or if we want to fly a kite, but when you're caught in deep, chronic psychosis, they can be detrimental to your goal.
WELLS
But if the goal is sanity, how can this be detrimental? I've been a surgeon for decades and a psychiatrist for much longer than that, Julie. I know this thing works. Decompression chambers have helped patients confront everything from arachniphobia to nail-biting. (Pauses, looks at VERNE, perplexed. VERNE intently listens, patiently-allowing WELLS to have his say.) I don't understand why a fellow doctor doesn't agree with me on this. You, of all people, you should know the merits of this device. It’s as healthy as... it's tried and true.
VERNE
Too tried and too true, I'm afraid. It works in laboratories and at tourist resorts, but I'm sorry to say it didn't pass the litmus-test of deep space. (Clacks his lighter shut, passes a newly-lit joint, trying to be 100% clear:) It can be detrimental because you can set the crystal to work the other way, to torture people. When you've got cabin-fever and you could really use a device like this to get back into your right mind, unfortunately, you're more apt to use it to get back at the person who did the smallest, innocuous thing that somehow personally set you off. You know, Doc, all them years ago, when I told you about The Roanoke, back at that Tiki joint on the Nightingale -- I may have glossed over a few details -- at the onset of the fever, the dream machines were the first things to get jettisoned -- way before they started chucking-out random crew members just to watch them explode and laugh about how their bodies stretch like linguine while falling into the star -- Yeah, it would have been real nice if they had just dismantled them and burned-out the crystals; because the same madman who can set a ship's coordinates straight for an event horizon can just as easily retrieve a few jettisoned brain-toilets and reprogram them to- Well, let's just say, Doc, I really appreciate the good intentions, and I know it won't make me very popular around here for a while, but as commanding officer, I'm ordering you to ensure that I never have to see this thing operate. (Slightly nods “no” while staring at WELLS intently.) Ever.
WELLS
I remember your story, Julie, I've kept it to myself -- I'm torching the crystal now -- only one we had other than the one you used for your project. (We hear it pop, followed by a sound like a fuse or a light bulb shattering.) I'm sorry, Julie, I didn't remember you mentioning any decompression chairs when you told me what happened.
VERNE
Maybe I didn't. Either way, I'm sorry, too, Doc; I feel like I just blew-out your birthday candles.
WELLS
No big deal, it's cool; not like I invented anything new anyway, I was just perfecting it.
SIMAK
It was marvelous work, Doctor; I'm impressed. You're one-of-a-kind; perhaps you did perfect it.
CLARKE
And just what have you been perfecting, Captain?
VERNE
Oh, no. Nah, forget about me, I don't need the R-N-R. Plus, it's not really ready yet.
CLARKE
Oh no! That excuse won't fly. You gave us a deadline for this exercise and we all have followed it to the letter, even to the undoing of my favorite chess-partner.
(As if on cue, the robot head bounces-in from the opposite direction it was thrown, since they're non-dimensional beings in a one-dimensional world. The head is still repeating its error message. CLARKE catches it like a pro and chucks it off again into another direction, as if he's playing catch with himself.)
VERNE
I promised furlough for the winner, and I can’t decide between you so I’m gonna give all of you a week off, starting now.
SIMAK
Aw, don't-a be a spoil-sport now. Show us what you got, sir!
VERNE
I was foolish to think- No, I can't. I won't. It would come across as a sick joke.
WELLS
Oh, what is it, Julie?
VERNE
I was wrong, you'll think I was being cruel; I really wasn't; I'm just too overly-optimistic sometimes -- what was I thinking?
HEINLEIN
Come on, Captain, show us!
VERNE
Oh, okay. I don't want to give you hope, because there ain't any, but maybe you can see the humor in this and laugh about it later. We can roast marshmallows around it or something.
SIMAK
Captain, quit ye stallin’ and get to the revealin’!
CU: VERNE
VERNE
(Unexcited, he limply pulls the sheet:) Viola. My poor attempt at creating a para-dimensional, buzz-powered, multi-directional, subspatial, matter-morphing gateway.
ECU: Without moving his head, an unexited, embarassed and uncomfortable Nemo eyeballs-it and sighs.
MUSIC UP
MULTI-DISSOLVE MONTAGE - Parody Stargate (television series) open
ECU: Glimpses of the portal
(A portal like one from Stargate is seen, and music similar to the Stargate theme is heard. Instead of heiroglyphics, we see a peace symbol, an anarchy symbol, symbols for marajuana and booze. Furthermore, there are gaming symbols: heart, club, diamond, spade. Also, there are two punctuation marks --! and ? and other common symbols; finally, an EXIT sign written at the top of the wheel, between two framing brackets.)
CLARKE
Astonishing.
SIMAK
I'm, I'm speechless, sir.
WELLS
You said it.
HEINLEIN
It's... amazing.
VERNE
It's scientifically-described as a time-tesseract, and I've nick-named it the Hitch-Hiker's Short-Cut because it cuts corners like there ain't a road. (He spins the symbol-laden, inner wheel and it silently goes around nearly-frictionless like the money wheel seen on The Price Is Right. It was set for the marajuana symbol, but the question mark eventually ends-up being between the brackets and under the EXIT sign positioned at high-noon.) I've added a few special modifications, and I dunno, I'm thinking of just calling it the Night Stalker, because once you're through, if you get through, it actually follows you to your final quantum-destination.
CLARKE
Perhaps I won't miss my chess-partner after all. Does this mean you've made an exit, Captain? A vestibule leading to the outside world?
VERNE
Well, it can't send us anywhere we wanna go, only where others should have gone.
SIMAK
Anyplace at-all would be better than here now!
VERNE
Yeah. I was trying to get it to follow The Baron to the time and place he went to, but the equations are all-jumbled and I've never managed enough power of the buzz to even get this thing to warm-up properly. It was a flight of fancy from the first.
(VERNE picks up the sheet to re-cover the portal, when-)
WELLS
Now hold on, Julie! You're putting the glue-factory before the horse. Don't you think we outta try this thing out before you start packing it up with newspaper and mothballs? Let’s give her a try!
SIMAK
Aye, your induction coil is revolutionary, Captain; I can tell you've streamlined the whole kit-and-kaboodle, now. Who’d-a-ever thought to curve the parallel field-generators all-on themselves now. Aye, pi now. Captain, whether she works or no, this is one fine piece of quantum-engineering! I couldn't-a get a whole team of recruits to even come-a close to making anything like this now! She's a beauty, sir!
VERNE
But the amount of power it requires is, well, astronomical; and well, it’s no news that we're in short-supply.
CLARKE
Perhaps not, Captain. You've been giving the four of us extensive Red-Eye warrior training for nearly seven weeks’ time, perhaps it's time to see if that training has paid off.
SIMAK
(Red glow:) Aye.
VERNE
Forget it, it takes too much power. I've just got to scrape-up some plutonium...
HEINLEIN
(Red glow:) We've been training every day and you've taught us well; we can do it.
VERNE
Any attempt made by us to power this device would be a useless gesture, no matter what Red-Eye abilities you've mastered. This device is now the biggest piece of junk in The Universe, I suggest we scrap it.
WELLS
(Red glow:) Don't be too ashamed of this technological trump-card you have constructed, the ability to conquer Oblivion is quite possible with the power of the buzz.
VERNE
Don't try to encourage me with your sorcerer's ways, Doc, my sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped me conjure-up the power needed to make this thing work, or has given me clarivoyance-enough to find the location of The Baron-
WELLS
We can find him, Julie, we can make it work-
(WELLS' neck constricts as he loosens his collar. Is this violence? Signs point to yes...)
VERNE
(Moody, no glow, just a hand gesture:) I find your abundance of faith disturbing.
CLARKE
(Red glow:) Enough of this! Verne, release him!
VERNE
As you wish.
(WELLS suddenly exhales and gets a deep breath, shaken.)
SIMAK
Aye, maybe with all five of us can get this thing going, sir.
VERNE
(Turns, finds a place to sit.) You guys can try, I'll just sit here and watch.
HEINLEIN
Sir, your contribution might be just what we need to open the portal. We need you.
VERNE
You don't need me.
WELLS
Confound it, Julie! I don't care if you're chock-full of the doldrums! Snap out of it, get off your lazy butt, hit this joint and help us get this party started or I'll-
VERNE
You'll what, Doctor?
WELLS
Well, I won't ever tell you what really happened to the strawberries.
VERNE
(Hot:) You know what happened to the strawberries?
WELLS
(Is VERNE gonna throw a punch? Quickly, surprised with how well the tactic worked:) No, but I sure got you up, now, didn't I?
VERNE
I still ain't gonna help you all fight this windmill. For me, this crusade is over.
SIMAK
You hafta help us now, sir!
VERNE
Give me one good reason why I should?
SIMAK
We can free ourselves, sir! Every second we stay in here, we just get-a more crazier!
VERNE
Not good enough. I'm certain of failure, and admission to hope shows I've completely lost it. You guys try it, but count me out. You'll all see that I'm the sanest one here, (Gestures to the dream machine.) I don’t need a stinkin’ de-com brain-toilet to tell me that I’m fully sane...
CLARKE
Not quite, sir.
VERNE
Care to elaborate on that ubiquitous observation, Clarke?
CLARKE
Permission to speak freely, sir.
VERNE
(Purses lips.) Granted.
CLARKE
Your recent violence against the doctor; your incessant verbal attacks toward him. Had I not interjected, you would have rationalized your violence into being a sane act. I have noticed over the weeks that this behavior is becoming more frequent. You have been moody, unresponsive and increasingly-violent over the last few weeks, and outside of our group-meditation sessions, I have not seen you do anything to relax or comfort yourself from this abysmal, maddening world. We do not blame you for what has brought us here, and blaming yourself will only drive you deeper into Kubrick's Conundrum.
VERNE
Kubrick's Conundrum! You think I've gone stir-crazy, Clarke, is that what you think?
CLARKE
I do not believe you are completely sane, sir. However, I am not a psychiatrist.
VERNE
Well, of course you're not, Clarke, so until that day, I think you should stop projecting your paranoia onto your commanding officer and keep your conspiracy theories to yourself. I think you had also better stop eye-balling me, too. If you've had enough time on your hands to analyze the behavior of a superior officer and question his sanity, I think you either desperately need some R-N-R or you need a serious reality check to see who really is in charge here. Am I understood?
CLARKE
I was merely making an observation, sir. Forget I said anything.
VERNE
Oh no! Have it out! If there's a big, sinister plan that the mean, evil Captain Verne's got cooked up, let's hear it! I don't need you all whispering behind my back.
CLARKE
Let us suppose that there are certain aspects of a person that can prevent insanity. The Baron has sufficient qualities to contain many mental maladies that you both inherently possess. Let us suppose The Baron may have taken a key aspect, one that would keep a certain insanity in check. Your increased violence against the doctor is possibly the manifest action of your latent desire to, in fact, kill him.
VERNE
Kill the doctor? Are you mad?
CLARKE
The question is, are you? A question best answered by a physician, a psychiatrist. As we both agree, I am no psychiatrist. It is impossible for me to question your command on grounds of insanity unless I produce an endorsed, medical statement to back up the charge.
VERNE
I get it; it's not that you really think I'm after the doctor, it's that you're really after my chair. You want to take command, you've wanted it all along, haven't you?
CLARKE
As I just said before, it is your sanity that is in question here. If you were to submit to an examination by the doctor, I'm sure we would all feel confident that-
VERNE
I'm not going to do anything of the sort just to placate your whimsical attempt at a coup-de-etat, Clarke. Those tests are subjective anyway, it is no proof that I am not fit for command, and until I hear different from Doc, last I checked, I ain't bonkers.
SIMAK
Aye, why would he be going and making us an exit-portal if'n he was plannin' on murdering the doctor now? I donna wanna interrupt your little logical discussion and all, but this just sounds too strange for me, Mr. Clarke. The captain's sane as day!
VERNE
I appreciate your vote of confidence, Smokey. Rob?
HEINLEIN
You ain't done nothing crazy that I've seen. Nothing we all haven't done, anyway.
VERNE
Doc?
WELLS
Normally I'd dismiss Clarke's hypothesis because I know you, Julie. But when he starts talking about me getting murdered like I'm gone already... Let's just say the jury's-out, Julie, in the name of my own sense of preservation, I'm staying objective.
CLARKE
Of course, there is a logical way we could find out, for sure.
VERNE
Oh yeah? What's that?
CLARKE
Perhaps Mr. Simak was right. If you were actually making a time-portal for our escape, then logic proves that my argument is pointless. However, if your science project was just a sham, a facade to give us the illusion that you haven't calculated a precise order of events to draw us away from suspicion that you plan to kill each of us off, one by one-
VERNE
This is getting outrageous. I love you guys. I wasn't being violent with Doc, I was just being... playful. I used the buzz to give him... a noogie, that's all.
WELLS
I wouldn't call it a noogie; it's more like a painful swirlie.
VERNE
Whatever. Look, the time-portal's real.
CLARKE
Perhaps a latent part of you wants to believe that and is afraid to confront-
VERNE
(Laughs:) All right, no more head games, or everybody in here gets a lobotomy.
(No one else is laughing. There aren't any crickets in Oblivion, or we'd hear them.)
SILENCE
VERNE (Cont'd)
I was joking, fellas. Look, Clarke, I'm not gonna say that I can get it to work, but if I show that it's truly a time-portal, will you abandon this notion that I've gone nuts?
CLARKE
Absolutely.
(The men gather behind VERNE as he steps up and his aura seems to get the thing to sputter; like a car with a lame battery.)
WELLS
Gee, Clarke, you almost had me half-convinced that he had a screw-loose.
HEINLEIN
I'll say. Didja have to resort to extremes?
CLARKE
I had to. Unless his command was as stake, he would have dismissed me outright.
SIMAK
Aye, but murder! The captain’s the last person that I know who would ever wanna kill a man in cold blood, now.
WELLS
We know we know that, but he doesn't know we know that.
HEINLEIN
The reverse psychology seems to be working. He's got the thing warming up.
WELLS
Well, let's get cracking and help him!
(The four step up and add their buzz aura to the mix. They start passing a joint.)
WELLS (Cont'd)
Well, what do you know! Turns out the captain's sane as ever!
VERNE
(Smiling:) I'm glad I could win you over.
SIMAK
I don't believe it! I mean, I do believe it! It's working!
HEINLEIN
Look! What is it?
(A watery, red aura fills the area of the gate's circle, they touch it.)
VERNE
Well gentlemen, who wants to be the first man in history to walk out of Oblivion?
CLARKE
Let us all go together. Let's load-up the platform with supplies and go together.
WELLS
Yeah, wherever we go, whenever we go, we'll be a team.
(They begin gathering supplies, to include buds and more buds. They load them on Aladdin's Elevator.)
SIMAK
Aye, too bad Ensign Asimov isn't here to share this moment with us.
VERNE
If Asimov were here, I don't think we'd have been successful.
WELLS
Not to mention I'd be the first to vote to leave him behind. He turned on us!
HEINLEIN
Yeah, it ticks me off. Last time I cover for him, tell you that. When we were in the Rhea system, Isaac was the one who left the pantry hatch open, he was raiding the mess hall for a midnight snack.
VERNE
Like the last pieces of a puzzle falling in place. (Pause. Quick:) Why didn't you tell me this?
HEINLEIN
I was on watch. I caught him in the rec-room in his pee-jays, playing video games. Isaac said he just wanted some ice-cream. He was crying, Captain. He thought you were gonna push him out of an airlock for being up after lights-out.
VERNE
That isn't too far from the truth. Should-a questioned him more; his alabi was shaky.
HEINLEIN
Anyway, I didn't know he'd left the freezer-door open. I let him go back to his quarters and told him to go to bed. I didn't think it was such big deal.
(The robot's head is heard in the distance. The sound amplifies throughout the haggle-man’s lecture as he and the others load buds and equipment onto the platform. HEINLEIN nods; becoming somewhat wiser on the matter.)
VERNE
Not a big deal. Like trading fifteen-hundred heirloom seeds of Simoleon Spice to the Neconomicons for watered-down Ellisonium wasn't such a big deal. A deal we shouldn't have had been on the losing end of. That is, if I would have had the thirty cases of fresh strawberries like my inventory and manifest report reflected. Why, we’d have gone-through Rhean customs like nobody’s-business. I’d even made all the pay-offs in the right places, but of course, that was money wasted, favors granted for nothing, all because it’s not such a big deal to get stopped at customs and left to explain to a very angry Captain Balboa, who I might add was not on the payroll -- but that’s not such a big deal; you’re having to explain to him and his platoon just why you’re smuggling quantum-cannons to the Rebel Axis Armada in exchange for Ellisonium and twenty-two tons of Yog Soggoth, yielding only three-thousand viable, female seeds at that! No, it’s not such a big deal at all to have to suddenly learn that you will either forfeit all your cargo and face prison-time or blast your way out of the customs inspection station of the Rhean Captial City of New Martinique and face their armed, federation fighter-vessels only one half second after you clear their sky, no, it’s not such a big deal at all. I was wrong to let him slide. Do you realize, Lieutenant, that his little raid on our pantry started a planetary war and led to the decapitation of a concubine? In fact, it seems Isaac's responsible for every event leading-up to this dismal quandary. If Asimov thinks the bump on his head is the worst he's gonna get, he's got another thing coming. He'd better dig a hole and jump in it!
SIMAK
Will we see him on the other side, sir?
VERNE
One way or another, you can count on it.
CLARKE
(Catches head, chucks it onto the platform, it's muffled.) What of The Baron?
VERNE
What of him?
CLARKE
First in first out. He'll have been there for weeks, maybe months, perhaps years.
VERNE
That head-start will be his undoing.
WELLS
What do you mean Julie?
VERNE
I mean we will be changed physically when we get to the other side. We'll be better; closer to the time, the people.
SIMAK
Aye, you mean altered? Like how it was when we arrived at that Nazi camp, sir?
VERNE
Precisely. Physically, we'll be altered immediately. The latent persona of the time will flood us with phantasmic memories and slowly become the dominant, mental process.
HEINLEIN
If we don't keep ourselves in check, we're liable to conform to our personas and forget who we really are. This would seem like a dream, or maybe a bad acid-trip.
WELLS
But we can control it!
HEINLEIN
Like how you kept control of your ancient bigotry? Am I still colored, Doctor?
WELLS
I stand corrected. Rob's right. We've got ancestors there, wherever we're going. Those ancestors were taught to think and act differently. We can't have latent engrams of bigotry, greed and malice override our true, compassionate selves!
VERNE
Doc, I'm putting you to task to ensure that doesn't happen. If we start acting funny, or we're doing something no sane person would do, call it to question immediately.
WELLS
Yes sir.
CLARKE
We've managed to load Mr. Heinlein's creation with the remnants of the other projects.
SIMAK
(Pats hydroponic tube:) Aye, we donna wanna be going anywhere without our stash, now!
(The robot's head gets knocked over a little, and we hear it loudly again.)
VERNE
Is there a way you can get that thing to shut up?
(CLARKE deactivates the robot's error-filled head.)
CLARKE
We're ready to depart, shall we board, gentlemen?
SIMAK
All-aboard! Next stop, anywhere but here now! Keep your feet in, laddies. (Lights a joint from his perpetually-lit pipe.) I'm Cliff, and I'll be your steward for this here voyage. Drinks are to be served, and this will be a smoking flight.
(They climb aboard. The joint isn't the biggest, yet makes a good show with what's been seen.)
HEINLEIN
It's tuned to your mind, your aura, sir. I thought you should be the one to drive it through.
WELLS
We're ready, Julie.
VERNE
Make it so, heading 4, mark 20, warp factor infinity, steady as she goes.
(VERNE sparks it like a pro. The platform moves slowly into the portal.)
FTB