Scene 3.11 - Doc’s Analysis
EST: INT. Barbershop/Saloon/Doc’s Workshop - Early Evening.
(The women have all had deep-tissue massage, acupuncture, acupressure, manicure, pedicure, scalp massage, haircut, perm, derma-abrasion facial and leg-waxing by the illustrious and prolific TODD SWEENY. SYNDEE SNOW and SANDEE SNOW are both carried along for the ride -- fisticuffs the farthest thing from their minds, having cucumbers on their eyes and mud packs on their faces. TODD SWEENY is busy touching-up various parts of the women, who are all reclining in barber chairs in complete relaxation -- towels wrapped-around their bodies and heads, cucumbers on their eyes as the mud-packs covering their faces slowly dry. TODD SWEENY dashes from one to the other constantly, touching up a pinky nail here, putting glitter on a toenail there, rubbing the temples over there before dashing over to check activator times, etc. He's certainly in his stereotypical element.)
TODD SWEENY
He said it was how big?
AUTUMN BREEZE
That’s not true?
TODD SWEENY
Leth juth thay that you could put it in my mouth between my teeth and I could thill whithle dickthee.
(The girls laugh.)
COMMONWEALTH
Todd, what do you know about the new deputy in town?
(The girls react.)
TODD SWEENY
Cute.
HOLLY MEADOWS
Yeah, he’s dreamy.
TODD SWEENY
Straight as an arrow, though I’d love to try to bend his bow. (Laughter.) He says he has eyes for someone in town.
COMMONWEALTH
Really, who?
TODD SWEENY
He wouldn’t say, though maybe he was mum on the subject because a certain Sheriff was in the room.
(Reactions.)
SYNDEE SNOW
What’s with the Sheriff, anyway? He lied to us about there being a monster out there.
SANDEE SNOW
He lied to both o’ us.
COMMONWEALTH
All three of us. Daddy lied to me, too.
TODD SWEENY
What’s the problem honey? Is this all over what happened in the cave? After these do’s, no bat is gonna wanna even come near your hair.
SANDEE SNOW
The Sheriff doesn’t think we can handle ourselves. He’s keeping us outta the loop.
SYNDEE SNOW
He’s always giving us the desk work, never the hot calls. We want action.
COMMONWEALTH
He says he’s trying to protect me. I’m not a child anymore.
SUMMER RAIN
Big Chief Boss-Me-’Round is no better. First, I’m his Goddess Of The Rising Moon, then I’m Miss Stay At Home In Tee-Pee While Big Chief Firewater Goes Howlin’ With The Coyotes.
TODD SWEENY
Hmm. You sound a little too jaded. (Lifts up cucumber, looks in her eye.) Did someone’s monthly bill get lost in the mail?
(Reactions from the girls.)
SUMMER RAIN
How- How did you know?
(Even more reactions.)
TODD SWEENY
Oh honey, I gotta nose for these things. Maybe it’s because I’m half Jewish, half Italian and part rabbit.
(The girls laugh.)
SUMMER RAIN
He doesn’t know and I dunno if I wanna tell him; the way he’s been acting lately.
TODD SWEENY
Ooh honey, do you think he’s out hopping between the bison hides?
SUMMER RAIN
Oh, no, he’s not the cheatin’ type, but he sure gets jealous. He doesn’t let me go out and have fun anymore. If I’m gonna be laid-up for a few months to have his offspring, I wanna at least get some more fun in before I’m chained to the fire-pit.
TODD SWEENY
Yo go, girl. So is it gonna be a pink or blue papoose?
SUMMER RAIN
Too early to tell. Haven’t done the ring-test yet. Not like he's ever given me a ring to start with.
TODD SWEENY
Well, I’m no expert on men, but it sounds to me like all of you ladies need to show these men you know all how to chew bubble gum and take names at the same time.
HOLLY MEADOWS
What do you think we should do, Todd?
TODD SWEENY
Honey, if’n I was you, I would go into that cave, bats or no bats, and go after that monster myself.
SYNDEE SNOW
You think so? How? The men in town say it’s ferocious.
TODD SWEENY
Oh, you don't go listenin' to what they say, half of the locals 'round here are really from East o' Missouri and the other half wish they were. More times than not, it’s just a starving coyote or a sick bear. A few whacks with a stick between the eyes and, whalla! You’ve got a winter stole!
SANDEE SNOW
It ain’t that easy.
TODD SWEENY
Oh, of course it is, honey! You twins are as good with a gun as any two men that I’ve ever seen. I would love to see the look on their faces when you girls drag some monster’s carcass down Main Street! Why, you’d be town heroes!
COMMONWEALTH
Yeah, it would be kinda hard to top that!
SYNDEE SNOW
We sure would start gettin’ the respect we deserve, that’s fer sure.
(The women agree.)
TODD SWEENY
They’d have a parade in your honor. Maybe even a monster float!
SPRING BLOSSOM
I’ve never been in a parade.
HOLLY MEADOWS
We could even have a parade pageant! Ooh! What’s the plan?
TODD SWEENY
Well, I don’t want to step on anyone’s moccasins, but I might have a suggestion-
(The women protest his self-criticism and encourage him to be as glib as possible.)
SUMMER RAIN
Poca would go crazy if he caught me going in the caves without him. How do you think we should go about it, Todd?
TODD SWEENY
Well, if this creature lives in the Black Caves, then you have to find another way in since the men are liable to be staking-out the entrance at the Madman's Mine. Hmmmm. Didn’t I overhear the Sheriff mention that there was another way in, through a well of some sort?
SANDEE SNOW
Rusty’s Ranch. Yeah, there’s a well there. And monster tracks; I knew it!
SPRING BLOSSOM
Men, they’ll lie to us every time.
TODD SWEENY
Well, if you girls could go down that well, maybe you'd find the monster before they do.
COMMONWEALTH
I’ll get some rifles and some rope.
SANDEE SNOW
We’ll get the rifles, you get the rope.
SUMMER RAIN
You know, while we’re getting this makeover, we could use some new clothes, I bet the Native-American Emergency Relocation Fund could cover that. It is fall, after all.
NATIVE AMERICANS
(Whispered excitement:) Fall fashion!
SANDEE SNOW
The Tuesday coach just brung-in a whole mess of new clothes.
SYNDEE SNOW
We’ll get a dress fo’ Rusty too. She’s bound to feel better about us goin’ down in her well if’n’ she’s got somethin’ appropriate to wear for the okay-shun.
AUTUMN BREEZE
Sounds like fun, ladies, but we Injuns are poor. Shopping is a white woman’s luxury. I don't think the relocation fund can cover that kind of shopping spree.
COMMONWEALTH
Shoot girl, this is an expedition to ensure public safety. The county's gonna pay for it. Official business. Why, we got two deputies of the county to vouch for it all!
SYNDEE SNOW
Equipment and maintenance costs to ensure balance in the natural wildlife habitat. Jus' part of the job.
SANDEE SNOW
It’s homeland security, of sorts. You can thank the taxpayers later.
TODD SWEENY
While we’re all dipping into the public dole, can I interest any of you ladies in Dr. Abernathy’s Medicinal Miracle Sinus Remedy And Toothache Reliever?
COMMONWEALTH
What’s that?
TODD SWEENY
(Rolling a Confederate dollar bill:) Aromatherapy. Trust me, none of you ladies really want to take on the monster without having clear sinuses. I’ll give you ladies a travel pack or two, on the house. What you say after your first rinse, we’ll put in the conditioner, I’ll run over to the sheriff’s office, get your rifles, stop in on Mr. Olsen and have him let me bring the-whole-kit-and-kaboodle over here, we’ll all go to the back room, crack-open a one-pound bag of Dr. Abernathy’s finest cut, and I’ll help you all pick the colors that best compliment your new hair and nails. What’dya say?
ALL
(Ad libs abound.) Yeah! Great! Sure!
CUT TO:
(TEX RANGER, MARSHALL LAW, WHISKEY BARR and POCACHICALOT are getting tanked in the saloon. They’re the only ones in the bar. Business is slow, with all the rumors of a wild dog roaming about and all.)
WHISKEY BARR
Women.
(The men toast and slam another. WHISKEY BARR keeps the drinks flowing.)
TEX RANGER
To women.
(The men drink.)
POCACHICALOT
Pocachicalot’s squaw doesn’t love Pocachichalot no more.
TEX RANGER
What do you mean?
POCACHICALOT
Pocachicalot lied to white man when he said he went into Black Cave because of dying fish. Pocachicalot went into cave to think about why squaw doesn’t love Pocachicalot. It must be a curse.
MARSHALL LAW
What’s been the problem, Chief?
POCACHICALOT
Pocachicalot want to marry squaw, but squaw has been very distant lately, and moody. Chief thinks Summer Rain is mad at poor Pocachicalot. For what reason, Pocachicalot does not know. It worries me. (Sad face. Big frown. Introspective.) Hmmm.
WHISKEY BARR
Don’t get so riled-up, Chief. (Pours two shots, downs one.) Women are strange creatures, indeed. They don’t think like us. They’re sensible, but too unpredictable. (Repeat, more shots go round. Others drink.) You can’t second guess a woman. Women got logic all right, but it jus' ain't the same and it don't make half the money and it costs twice the tears as the same logic in the mind of a man who just wants to figger something out for the heck of it. Then again, women are always working twice as hard as us to make sure we never figger out what they seem to know only amongst themselves. Now that's what worries me.
(WHISKEY BARR repeats the shot-pouring twice. Downs one, POCACHICALOT downs one with the others. WHISKEY BARR pours another round. Toast. Pause.)
WHISKEY BARR (Cont'd)
No telling what a woman's thinking when she pretends not to be mad at you for something you have neglected to have done that any other man would have done, or something that you'd've never have thought of doing on your own without her plantin' the seeds of the fool idea in yer head in the first place. (Cheers. All drink. WHISKEY BARR shares a final shot with POCACHICALOT.) When she starts throwing things at you, start to worry. When she starts hitting you with things she throws at you, bolt for the door. Otherwise, let it go. It's probably in her plumbin’ or somethin'.
POCACHICALOT
Whiskey Barr makes much sense. Another shot of rattlesnake venom, please.
MARSHALL LAW
He’s right. Between the antics of my two deputies and then my daughter goin’ off and doing ev’ry fool thing I tell her not to do, it’s a wonder I still kin think straight atall.
TEX RANGER
You know, Sheriff, your daughter would shore be alot better off if’n she were married. Now that would be magical.
MARSHALL LAW
Yep, she needs to settle down with a young buck, but the men in town? Sheesh! (Gets it.) Say, you askin’ for her hand? She could do a lot worse than to hook up with a young photographer on a deputy’s salary. Speakin’ o’ which; you’re buyin’ the next bottle.
TEX RANGER
I’d marry her if’n she would say yes.
MARSHALL LAW
I imagine she would. You see how she lights up when you’re talking to her.
TEX RANGER
Once we take care of this monster, maybe we can figger out the details.
MARSHALL LAW
Yeah, maybe. You know, there ain’t much of a dowery, but she’s still a virgin, and that’s a mite hard to find in girls her age, nowadays. Speshelly 'round these here parts...
WHISKEY BARR
Here, here. To chastity in the heavens, until the time is right.
(The men toast, drink. TODD SWEENY walks by, shouldering two large duffel-like bags and pushing a rack of women’s clothing.)
WHISKEY BARR
Todd Sweeny! Never see too much of you anymore, what cha doin there, son?
MARSHALL LAW
Someone movin’ in or out, Todd? Need a hand there?
TODD SWEENY
Nah, I got it. Just heading back to the shop, got some big-tippin’ customers. Doc Bonebrake’s back there in his lab, askin’ after ya. Said to holler at y’all if’n I saw you. Says he’s got something he wants to show you. Sorry ta scare off ya bizniz, ol' man!
MARSHALL LAW
He must have discovered something. (Grabs hat.) See ya ‘round, Whiskey.
WHISKEY BARR
Good luck, gentlemen.
(Swigs the bottle, chases with water. Passes around for a final shot. They drink and exit. As they walk near the town square, they see a caged dog. The dog gets their attention, jumping about and whining for help.)
LUCKY
Bark! Bark!
MARSHALL LAW
What’s that all about?
POCACHICALOT
Your townsfolk must be rounding-up dogs, looking for monster.
MARSHALL LAW
Wonderful. Deputy, open that cage.
TEX RANGER
Yessir.
LUCKY
Bark! Bark!
TEX RANGER
Here boy, you’re pretty lucky we came along, or you’d be in someone’s stew by morning. Oh, you’re just a friendly ol’ puppy, aren’t you? You wanna come along and see what the Doc’s got for us?
LUCKY
Bark!
TEX RANGER
Okay, lucky dog. Lucky. I’ll call you Lucky. Lucky dog. Who knows? You might bring us some luck, after all.
(They follow the men into the laboratory.)
CUT TO:
(DOC BONEBRAKE’S laboratory is a science-fiction wonder. There are test tubes, beakers, odd machines and on a large board in the center of the room is a perfectly dissected bat, with pins and string holding the organs, which all have labels and footnotes written neatly on the board, much of it in Latin.)
DOC BONEBRAKE
Come in gentlemen!
MARSHALL LAW
(Curt:) What did you find-out, Doc?
DOC BONEBRAKE
Well, I was able to isolate and label every gland and organ in the creature’s body. It's an aliped, alright, but this is unlike any other bat I’ve ever seen, and the chances that certain traits that this bat possesses to natually occur- why it’s completely off Mendel’s chart!
POCACHICALOT
What does that mean?
DOC BONEBRAKE
Well, see those glands there? They’re designed to burn-away flesh with acidic compounds. And these claws are highly sharpened and with these mutated ears, the bat’s sonar ability must be much greater than any other bat on the planet. But these eyes! Like most bats, their eyesight is very poor and they are nocturnal, like the beast that’s killing the livestock. See these eyes? They are highly sensitive to light. That seems to explain why they were probably stunned in the cave when Tex ignited his flash powder and why they didn’t create too much movement then. But when my gun accidentally discharged, it was too much for the creatures' over-sensitive hearing and it caused them to flee the cave.
MARSHALL LAW
Do you think that the beast we’re after will also have the same strengths and weaknesses?
DOC BONEBRAKE
Well, I haven’t closely examined all the plaster castings I made last night at the well, so I don’t have an exact idea of the nature of the beast in question or what we’re up against, but I can assure you that the beast probably doesn’t like exposure to bright light or loud noise.
MARSHALL LAW
Well, who does? I think I’ll hit the depot and load-up a wagon with explosives.
POCACHICALOT
What do you plan to do?
MARSHALL LAW
Well, we could spend hours, or even days crawling around in those musty caves. You saw how it affected the girls today, and those were just the bats. If this beast is nocturnal, chances are it will be in its den in the caves in the daytime. If we cause a cave-in at the Paleface Mine entrance, and seal up Rusty’s well, that beast won’t have a way out and it will die down there and we won’t have to worry about it no more.
TEX RANGER
What do you need me to do?
MARSHALL LAW
Hitch the flatbed wagon by the saloon to your mare. Lead it with a hundred-foot rope. We’ll load the wagon at the depot and all of us will clear a path to the Madman’s Mine entrance. That nitroglycerin is tricky stuff. We gotta make sure there’s no big stones for the wagon wheels to hit on the way.
POCACHICALOT
(In drunken Sign:) Sounds okay. We go tonight? Pocachicalot plenty drunk. Need hot coffee or Pocachicalot pass-out.
MARSHALL LAW
Well, if that thing’s out there feedin’ as we speak, we need every minute before sunrise to get those supplies to the mine entrance.
DOC BONEBRAKE
(Grabs coffee pot.) I’m on it, Sheriff.
MARSHALL LAW
Don’t make it too straight-leg, don’t wanna start getting the caffeine shakes while handling them explosives.
TEX RANGER
(Lights a smoke.) Good point. We’ll take this slow. I’ll go hitch up my horse.
FTB