Scene 5.04 - Cool School
INT. 13th Floor Penthouse, An Hour-Or-So Later
(VERNE'S head is being pulled violently from a luxury toilet. ACTOR ALPHA is wearing a Guy Faukes mask. Guy ain't playing games. VERNE still has on his Lone Avenger mask. VERNE gasps for air.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Where are you from?
VERNE
I told you, the planet Earth, the year 99-
(Back under, back up for air.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Eeeeeeh! Wrong Answer! Where were you born, space-cadet?
VERNE
Newkirk, Oklahoma.
ACTOR ALPHA
The Midwest, huh? Lemme see... That's near... Wichita, Kansas... Who was that famous actor from around there?
VERNE
Don Johnson.
ACTOR ALPHA
Known best for?
VERNE
A Boy And His Dog, 1975. Based on a story by Harlan-
ACTOR ALPHA
No! (Dip:) No! (Moves VERNE'S head to illustrate:) Television yes, science-fiction movies no!
VERNE
Magnum P.I.
ACTOR ALPHA
You're slipping! That was Tom Selleck, the Marlboro Man, not Don Johnson!
VERNE
I mean, Miami Vice. The other tropical cop show.
ACTOR ALPHA
Right. What famous actress comes from Wichita, Kansas?
VERNE
Easy. Kirstie Alley.
ACTOR ALPHA
And what's she best known for?
VERNE
Well, her first big movie was Star Tr- (Head pulled back:) Uh, I mean, Cheers, Fat Actress!
ACTOR ALPHA
Now for even higher stakes and more prizes name me a singer who hails from the Air Capital.
VERNE
Joe Walsh.
ACTOR ALPHA
Very Good! To complete this money-round: I gotta quarter with Kansas -1861 written on the back, what picture do I see?
VERNE
A buffalo taking a crap on a wheat field.
ACTOR ALPHA
(Helping-out like a game show host:) Don't you mean the other mud-hole-dipping hooved animal?
VERNE
Oh, yes, yes, a bison; they picked the bison, I didn't like that; they should-a picked the brave.
ACTOR ALPHA
What's this about the defecating bison and picking a brave? Who's they?
VERNE
The Governor offered the three final drawings for the state quarter to the Kansas high-schools and let them choose!
ACTOR ALPHA
So naturally the students chose the worst one. Ahhhh!
VERNE
Of course! The sunflower looked kinda bland, but the Native American shooting an arrow to the stars was kinda cool! They should-a used that!
ACTOR ALPHA
Cool, huh? What do you know about cool?
VERNE
I've- I've learned much about this world's culture! From this slip of paper hidden behind a brick!
ACTOR ALPHA
You found that, huh? Yes, maybe you’ve learned something after all; you sure got the quarter-thing down. So how come you know so much about coinage?
VERNE
I'm an apprentice numismatist-
ACTOR ALPHA
No! No! (Dip to my Lou) No! You'll never bag a babe with those twenty-cent, four-letter words!
VERNE
I- I smoke pot-
ACTOR ALPHA
No, no, you blaze-up, you toke, you get high, you spark J's, you play baseball with only a bat.
VERNE
Yeah, at my pad, we smoke grass.
ACTOR ALPHA
Yes, your pad. Let's see if you got your story right. It's name-droppin' time: Tell me, I was in your hood the other day and I dropped in on a pal of mine, Dennis Hopper; so where was I?
VERNE
Uh, V, V-
ACTOR ALPHA
Yes?
VERNE
V-
ACTOR ALPHA
Spit it out!
VERNE
Santa Monica?
ACTOR ALPHA
No! (Dip, dip, dip to my Lou) Venice Beach, you ignoramus! Locale for such great movies like Falling Down, American History X and Return Of Backstreet Barney's Breakdance Boogaloo. How is anybody gonna believe the story that you come from a commune where you're shacking up with a bunch of German Nationals and wannabe porn stars if you can't even come clean about the most obvious details!?
(Throws him a towel, walks away in half-disgust.)
VERNE
It's hard for me to pretend to be someone I'm not; I'm just not an actor like you are.
ACTOR ALPHA
(Looks in mirror:) Everyone's an actor in L-A. You've just got that damn streak of honesty in you; it musta been from that upbringin' by that ol' President of yours, Peyote One...
VERNE
You mean Coyote One-
ACTOR ALPHA
She gave you a sense of moral order in The Universe; and there ain't any. People will believe anything; the more preposterous the tale, the more likely they are to believe it.
VERNE
Yes, the people will more easily fall for a great lie than they will for a small one.
ACTOR ALPHA
Look at me! A klutz, a skipper, a millionaire, a millionaire's wife, a movie star, a corn-fed Kansan and an attractive, bachelor professor all shipwreck on an unchartered isle -- and no one ever gets rescued, two men pose as women to find afforadable rental housing in New York City and no one ever gets busted, a straight man lives with two hot, single women in a California apartment and no one ever gets laid, I have sold all of these propositions...
VERNE
Well maybe we're all fools and none of it really matters.
ACTOR ALPHA
(Looks back at him:) Aye.
VERNE
Yes. You mean, through acting, there's truth in our lies and lies in our truth?
(ACTOR ALPHA sparks a joint, the first of many to follow.)
ACTOR ALPHA
You tell me, you're the actor now.
VERNE
Yes, freedom. I'm free! Free!
(VERNE raises his fists and steps out to a large balcony with an incredible view of the Pacific Ocean. It begins to softly rain. Intersperse with ACTOR ALPHA raising his hands. Then suddenly, for no apparent reason, fire is behind him, like in V Is For Vendetta. Alternate from blue rain to yellow flame awkwardly and weird like the movie does. Get quicker as both remove their masks and their triumphant howls progress into reactions to the two of them looking at each other.)
ACTOR ALPHA
Aaaaargh!
VERNE
Aaaaaagh!
ACTOR ALPHA
(Removes mask, surrounded by flames with no apparent source, but not in pain:) Aaaaargh!
VERNE
(Removes mask, bathing in rain:) Aaargh!
ACTOR ALPHA
(Yellow:) Aaagh!
VERNE
(Blue:) Aagh!
ACTOR ALPHA
Aaaaaaaagh!
VERNE
Aaaargh!
(The rain suddenly stops. The flames vanish.)
ACTOR ALPHA
You're... me!
VERNE
It's you!
ACTOR ALPHA
Hmmm. (Obviously, the newcomer from another world is the one who's got the ‘splaining to do:) Well?
VERNE
You see that I'm obviously Chinese...
ACTOR ALPHA
A fan, huh? I see why you were wearing the mask. You know, you were probably just fine looking the way you were, and that plastic surgery will catch up with you in the long run, and tho it looks pretty good now, later it won't... I keep telling 'em but they won't listen... man, you should see some of the tatts people get with my face...
VERNE
There it is again, plastic surgery, what is that?
ACTOR ALPHA
Just be you. You don't need to look like anyone-else, least of all, me. I mean, I could understand you doing this if you had an unfortunate accident as a child or something...
VERNE
Yes, yes, my unfortunate accident as a child, my head got caught in a mechanical... rice-picker, fortunately there was an American surgeon nearby, versed in this... plastic surgery...
ACTOR ALPHA
All right! All right! Put the mask back on and I'll forget you're one of those fans that spends all of his money to look just like someone infamous. I see what you mean by saying you thought I was the best-looking man in the world, and I couldn't agree more, but, you look exactly the same, I'm flattered, really, but you're you, I'm me. You keep doing what you feel is natural, but personally, I do like you better with the mask, seeing you without it kinda creeps me out.
VERNE
Very well. (Dons mask.) Your toilet-training has paid off; I've been liberated. Now, what of the others?
ACTOR ALPHA
I could be direct with you, a commander would settle for nothing less. For the rest of your crew, I had to employ more drastic measures.
VERNE
Good heavens! What is that?
(HEINLEIN comes forth out of a hot-tub chamber a la The Matrix. He's got holes on his back, and a semi-automatic pistol in his hand.)
ACTOR ALPHA
(Throws him a pair of black slacks and a shoulder-holster:) Get dressed. Welcome to the real world.
VERNE
What have you done?
ACTOR ALPHA
I've emancipated him; he's in a bigger and better world now.
VERNE
(Handing him a black T-shirt, touches his shoulder. HEINLEIN’S bald!) Are you okay, Rob?
HEINLEIN
I followed that fine, white bunny down a hole but I never saw her again, only some guy named Agent Orange and some chick named Serendipity with a bunch of holes on her back. What gives?
(VERNE looks at the little plug-ins along HEINLEIN'S spine, looks back at ACTOR ALPHA.)
VERNE
Yeah, what gives?
ACTOR ALPHA
They're ornamental. (Pops one; a suction-cup popping sound, offers shades:) Get dressed, Rio.
VERNE
(Popping the others off for HEINLEIN:) Rio?
ACTOR ALPHA
(Sparking a second joint:) With a new outfit comes a new name. His name is Rio now.
HEINLEIN
(Putting on shades and picking up black trenchcoat, looks like Morpheus.) Yes, I'm Rio.
VERNE
Well, he doesn't seem to be any worse for the wear. Where are the others?
ACTOR ALPHA
Your good doctor is in here, having some tea. Good afternoon, Doctor.
POV: WELLS in modern clothes at a tea party in a garden talking to three mature British women.
(VERNE is CAMEO TWO, HEINLEIN is CAMEO THREE, and ACTOR ALPHA is CAMEO FOUR.)
WELLS
Good afternoon, ladies.
CAMEO TWO
Ladies?
CAMEO FOUR
He thinks he's at an English tea party.
WELLS
Is there something wrong, mam?
CAMEO THREE
Why is he smiling like that?
CAMEO FOUR
A reaction to the treatment. He'll be euphoric for weeks.
CAMEO TWO
Are you all right, Doc?
WELLS
I feel great, my dear, I've never felt better.
CAMEO FOUR
Dr. Wells, why don't you pass the time and play a little hand of cribbage?
(He begins dealing imaginary cards. ACTOR ALPHA sparks another joint.)
CAMEO TWO
Again, what have you done?
CAMEO FOUR
Thousands of subliminal instructions to counteract the millions of subliminal messages in the advertisements that he's bound to encounter in this time period. If you're really from the future, someone's gotta be sane, and it means he's gotta be immune to our world's temptations.
CAMEO TWO
This latent mind-control shield you've built around his psyche; will he ever snap out of it?
CAMEO FOUR
Eventually, when he deals himself a twenty-nine, but that's a long way off.
CAMEO TWO
No kidding. You should have set him for nineteen. He's lousy at cribbage.
WELLS
Nineteen.
CAMEO TWO
See?
CAMEO FOUR
Dr. Wells, you will forevermore be impervious to the sumbliminal tricks of the mind; you will become brainwash-proof.
CAMEO THREE
Brainwash-proof? Is that even a word?
WELLS
Yes. Brainwash-proof.
CAMEO FOUR
It is now. Dr. Wells, at the count of three, you will return to us and again see us as we are.
WELLS
Would you like some tea, ladies?
CAMEO FOUR
One. Two. Three.
EST: Guest bedroom
WELLS
Well, that's sure strange, for a moment there, I thought I was at a tea party.
VERNE
Shall we move on? Where's Clarke?
ACTOR ALPHA
Clarke? Now, Clarke, he was a challenge. (Taps temple.) Strong mind. I had to control every aspect of his-
(They walk into a bedroom with CLARKE bound, his eyes wide open -- perhaps taped-open -- in front of a television loaded with static.)
DOLLY IN
ZOOM OUT
CLARKE
(Sing-song, taunting like in Poltergeist:) They're here...
VERNE
Who's here?
CLARKE
The T-V people.
ACTOR ALPHA
Now, Six-double-nine-three-two-one, are you ready to finish your treatment and join us in-
CLARKE
(Belching it out:) I... want... my... M-T-V.
ACTOR ALPHA
No, can't have any of that. (Looking in eyes, a la The Island:) You are Too-barr... Tooo-barrr.
VERNE
At the point of being redundant: What on Earth have you done?
ACTOR ALPHA
Association. He associates his ill feelings with trite garbage and ill-conceived plotlines.
VERNE
So you mean he's become a, become a-
ACTOR ALPHA
Yes, the perfect television critic. Shallow shows that make you sick really do make him sick.
CLARKE
Ah....Keer....Rah.
ACTOR ALPHA
Unfortunately, I haven't found much that hasn't made him sick. He likes re-runs of Mr. Rogers’.
(As in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. You know, Lady Elaine, speedy deliveries and the trolly. ACTOR ALPHA sparks a fourth joint.)
QUICK MUSICAL HOMAGE
VERNE
We should turn off that programming device. Too much of that can't be too good for him.
ACTOR ALPHA
He could use a few more hours of fishing and art shows, but the public-programming pledge drive and all the charity telethons should have done it long ago. Yeah, let's move on. Come along, Arthur.
CLARKE
(Removing tape, standing, trying to be helpful, like Alex DeLarge:) Was I all right, sir? Did I do well?
ACTOR ALPHA
Fine, Six-double-nine-three-two-one. Absoluetly fine.
VERNE
I agree your education is unorthodox; Actor A, but are you sure these methods are successful?
ACTOR ALPHA
Homeland Security and the School Of The Americas swear by them. With ol' Clifford, tho, I had to give it some special thought. I was thinkin' about this bomb ya'll mentioned and I gave the ramifications of this Zeta-bomb going off some ponderin' and then I wondered what really would happen to humankind if we were completely without marijuana here? After all, there's a little T-H-C everywhere. So for Clifford, I made a chamber where you can get everything except weed.
CLARKE
A smoke-deprivation chamber? Captain, those were banned by the Amnesty Guild in the sixth mill-
ACTOR ALPHA
Hey, hey, hey this ain't no year but this one and if I say I invented it, I invented it, ai't?
VERNE
(Clasps hands together:) Show us whatcha got, Actor A.
ACTOR ALPHA
(At closet door with hair dryers and a static-filled radio attached to door:) He's been cooking in there over an hour, but to him, he's been jones'n for like, over a hundred years or something. I figured that would be a great-enough time to measure the effect of smoke-deprivation on the human body.
HEINLEIN
We'd better let him out.
(Ever see Altered States? A shoe-less SIMAK jumps from the chamber, nearly on all fours.)
WELLS
Great Scott, he's de-evolved!
(VERNE hands SIMAK a lit joint. The others do as well. SIMAK goes to a corner to smoke.)
VERNE
I hope that this little lesson has confirmed your worst of fears, Mr. Alpha. For us, to scientists in our time, it's an acute reality all too close to our daily, ethical struggles with our experimentation on the human psyche. I'm a doctor and an inventor myself, but I try to consider the risks before I experiment on others, others who are depending on me to have the answers; to offer hope. Weed is necessary for our survival; a device like this could have killed him.
ECU: ACTOR ALPHA’S SHOCKED FACE
ACTOR ALPHA
(A la Dr. Frankenstein:) Yes, I left him in there too-long. I never thought- If there's hope we can bring him back-
VERNE
I've seen these conditions before. (Pets SIMAK'S head.) In time, we can reverse this in Smokey, but if a Z-bomb is created, there will be no hope for the human race. Without good, awe-inspirin’, face-relaxin’, mind-expandin’, eye-ball-floatin’, rebel-rousin’ dank we might as well act as bees in a hive, but far worse, for there won't be honey in the human nest, only sobriety.
ACTOR ALPHA
Heavens to Betsy! I never saw it, I was messing with the order of things. You're right!
CLARKE
What now, Actor A?
ACTOR ALPHA
In light of this, I would say all four of you have successfully graduated from phase one of Cool School, so we should move on to phase two.
HEINLEIN
Phase two?
(They all look to SIMAK, smoking with bare feet and hands, all joints lit with long ash-cherries. A Supreme Bogart.)
DISSOLVE TO: