Trump Cuts Masterman Funding

In a move that shocked almost everyone living in Philadelphia, President Donald Trump has announced the immediate cut of funding for Philadelphia's Julia R. Masterman Laboratory and Demonstration School. In his official statement late one night on the social media platform Truth Social, Trump claimed that the school “tries too hard to be good.”

“Masterman? Terrible school. JUST TERRIBLE. It’s like they’re showing off. Straight A’s? High test scores? They’ve got nothing to prove, absolutely NOTHING,” Trump posted yesterday at 3:47 a.m. in a series of increasingly unhinged messages. “If we give so much treatment to ONE school, how is that going to affect the others? Just a mess, WE DON’T NEED THAT.”

The decision has sent shockwaves through the city, with students, parents, and faculty alike expressing confusion. “Some of my classmates aren’t even that smart,” said one baffled sixth grader, flipping through a calculus textbook. “I mean genuinely, how did they get into this school?”

White House officials have scrambled to clarify the decision. “The President believes that excellence should be spread evenly, not hoarded by a select few nerds,” the Vice President J.D. Vance stated on behalf of the President, who somehow disappeared from his office one day.

Due to these sudden cuts, Masterman Principal Gordon Laurie has announced a quick solution to this problem: renting out the entire fourth and fifth floors to a local Subway franchise. “We had to make some tough decisions,” Laurie reported in an email. “But at the end of the day, education is about adaptation. And if this means that Masterman has to make some sacrifices, then so be it.” According to Laurie, the agreement will allow the school to continue funding essential programs, though students may have to adjust to the faint smell of baked cookies and potentially day-old bread. “I really hope this doesn’t attract any more roaches,” one teacher lamented.

While many students, families, and staff have been worrying about how Masterman is going to stay afloat during these uncertain times, people should feel reassured that Masterman is devoted to doing whatever it takes to help students reach their full potential. “Maybe we could have some new alternatives for lunch?”

“Wait, are they going to charge us for the sandwiches?” asked a ninth grader.

While the future of Masterman is once again unclear, all students, faculty and staff should feel relief in knowing that the administration will always find a way to keep the school alive against all challenges, even if it's from the President of the United States.