A Timely Solution for a Time-Related Solution

According to a recent census of Masterman’s senior class, only 7 of 109 students actively enjoy working on homework assigned over weekends. In search of a solution to this persistent problem, we have consulted Dr. Etnius Onnefort-Chen, former Professor of Therapeutic Environmental Acclimatization and Related Sciences at the University of Allentown. Dr. Onnefort-Chen is acclaimed for his contributions to the field of human resources and has published several successful articles, including “Effective Methods of Eliminating Unnecessary Employee Demands”, “Workplace Exercises for the Extension of Productivity”, and “A Systematic Breakdown of Uncommon yet Authoritative Persuasion Pathways”. 

As Dr. Onnefort-Chen sees it, the vital component of any long-term solution to weekend homework is to eradicate the problem at its root. He argues that abolishing the weekend is a critical starting point to relieving Masterman students from this headache, stating that “Without the mental fortitude required to conquer their deeply-rooted addiction to weekends, these students will continue to struggle in their uphill battle over the termination of weekend homework.”

The professor has designed a new look for the academic year, beginning on September 15th, transitioning into a two-month break starting December 15th, and culminating in a second semester ending May 15th. Regarding absences from religious holidays and family emergencies, Dr. Onnefort-Chen suggests that each student’s family must contact the school individually. Any days a student misses will be added back to the end of the academic year.

To bolster the plan’s effectiveness, Dr. Onnefort-Chen envisions commencing with the proselytization of staff and students to forget about the concept of weekends sometime after initial implementation. The following step entails removing the existing names of days of the week, instead replacing them with simple numbers. After one academic year passes from the plan’s start date, the idea of the week will be gradually phased out of the Masterman community. 

Parents and guardians are encouraged to support students during this readjustment to the new system. In already difficult times, filled to the brim with weekend homework, adapting to a completely overhauled school calendar can prove extremely challenging.

As we concluded our consulting session, Dr. Onnefort-Chen offered his blessings to students afflicted with weekend homework, highlighting its role as a leading cause of stress, depression, and anxiety within other departments of the University of Allentown not fortunate enough to have been graced by the professor and his sage counsel. He is amused and mildly baffled by the prospect that students could conceivably enjoy weekend homework, but applauds them.