Confessions of Height Liar: by James Patterson

Time: 11:36 P.M.

Location: CheaterBeater Headquarters

Detainee in Question: David Dunlop

David Dunlop, who up until a few hours ago was enjoying life, carefree, was found drowning in a small puddle of his own tears and snot when our team was finally allowed into his cell to question him. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had already cried himself into unconsciousness from dehydration twice already. His crime was that serious.

For the last several months, J.R. Masterman has been working closely with CheaterBeater, the company that hired us to investigate this crime. Their goal was to create a software that would detect if students were cheating on exams, without students realizing that they were being monitored. For a test run, the school chose to apply the CB software onto the seniors’ “cap and gown form,” which simply records a student’s height and weight for their graduation attire. The results were shocking.

Never before in CheaterBeater’s 57 years of experience did they stumble upon something as hideous as what David Dunlop had done. While the system was created to detect cheating, the technology also can be used as the world’s most accurate lie detector, even monitoring the test-taker’s vitals. While Dunlop answered the Google form, his heart rate outpaced the average heart rate of a Blue-throated Hummingbird. His pupils dilated by 92%, and his keyboard’s dampness spiked by 457%, due to severe finger and palm sweat. Luckily for Dunlop, this sweat trickled down into his computer, creating an electric shock which revived him from his three consecutive heart attacks. Dunlop’s responses, quickly identified by the software as lies, are reported as follows:

For height, he wrote “6’2. Tall enough to dunk on Mr. Tannen.” For his weight, he wrote “Idk, but whatever weight would put me at one BMI higher than Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.” After taking our own measurements, we discovered that Dunlop is actually only 5’7, or “a short 5’8,” as he put it. Many who know Dunlop may be shocked by hearing the news of his blatant lies, but after digging into his personal life, it became clear to our team that this was only the least of his crimes. Much like Dunlop in the back row of any group photo, most of his double life managed to remain almost hidden—until now.

Upon searching Dunlop’s home, we discovered the usual contraband that one might expect in cases like these: Timberlands, modified to add 6 inches of height (which Dunlop claims were prescribed medically.) ElastoGel, advertised to be able to stretch your skin to make you taller, was recalled after it caused rapid hair loss and the occasional eyeball falling out of the socket (it can now only be found through illegal markets.) We even found blueprints for a contraption of funhouse style mirrors that he would wear around himself. His goal was to distort the light around his torso to make himself seem—you guessed it—taller. We began assessing the evidence at the scene, but much of it was lost in a freak inferno which burnt down Dunlop’s house. The fire was started by the ElastoGel, which combusted after being exposed to the forensic team’s UV flashlights. To learn more about Dunlop, we consulted with some of the people closest to him. We found that he was a member of the organization “Short Monarchs.” We got in contact with one of their members, Jeremy, to find out more about the organization and Dunlop’s involvement in it. Jeremy’s testimony was given as follows:

“‘Short Monarchs’ is a community organization that was founded to bring together those under average height. While we banded together to create a community that celebrates the shorter proportions that we all share, people of all heights are welcomed with open arms” (let the record show that at this point, Jeremy tried to hand me a promotional brochure). “David was one of our most involved members” (let the record show that at this point, Jermey looked sad, teetering into crestfallen). “He showed up to all of our bi-weekly meetings, ran all of our 5ks, and he was always the last one out the door on karaoke nights. There’s a lot of sadness surrounding the news that he lied about his height. First of all, we’ll have to put David’s ‘Short Monarchs’ membership on probation. This means that he can’t come to karaoke night anymore. We’re not sure for how long, but he’s liable for up to seven months. One for each inch he lied about. I only hope that with enough time, we can all get David to accept himself as the Short King that we all see him as” (let the record show that at this point, I shed a small tear and hugged it out with Jeremy. He, my team and I then got a few pints of ice cream out of the freezer and watched Frozen 2 together).

Shocked? To your core? You should be. Due to the already abhorrent nature of Dunlop’s treacheatrey, CheaterBeater has decided to refrain from revealing any more information that my team extracted from Dunlop during our interrogation (nor will they disclose the methods that they authorized us to use). Let this be a message to all those reading: body positivity is a difficult subject. It is normal to feel insecure in your own skin. But we at CheaterBeater headquarters believe that beauty is not a standard. Nearly everyone on this earth has a completely unique body, and beauty exists in them all.

Except Dunlop.