Breaking: Escalators to be Installed at Masterman, School District Announces
Mariacristina Calcagno (9-1) & Cyrus Fisher (9-2)
A vision of Masterman's stairwell with escalators instead of staircases.
Photo courtesy of Mariacristina Calcagno (9-1)
Over your years at the Julia Reynolds Masterman Laboratory and Demonstration School, you may recall eagerly looking at your newly-released schedule and pondering with disheartened dreadful despair, “Ugh. How will I survive the expedition from Room 101 to 502?” or, “Why is my locker in the basement and my advisory on the 30th floor?” Well, lock that memory away, because it will never be an issue again. Today, the School District of Philadelphia (SDP) announced that escalators will be installed this coming summer (sorry, seniors). The program, which applies to schools with at least 29 floors and holding over 800 students, is perfect for Masterman (whose building reaches 30 floors and currently has a population of 14,000+ pupils and staff).
Several renowned medical societies note that heavy backpacks lead to uncomfortable symptoms, such as inimical mental stress over getting to class on time; acute fatigue due to physical stress; compulsive eyebrow hair loss; hip dislocation; pinky and big toe paralysis; excruciating, ring finger, eyelid, and jaw pain; calcium and phosphorus decrease in the body; and, concerning during the pandemic, a higher vulnerability in contracting the Coronavirus Disease 2019.
Several Masterman high school students have repeatedly reported cases of such symptoms. Arp Egeeo (10-3) notes, “As a musician, the unpredictable finger pain resulting from the stair-stress is causing me unbelievable setbacks while playing.” Sockra Tees (9-4) reflects, “Recently, my toe has been in enormous pain. It hurts just to walk, and my friend just went eyebrowless last week.”
But there are more worries. For example, Sue Doe Saiyence (11-2) is worried about detrimental disturbances to the electromagnetic field of Masterman, a magnet school.
“My step-uncle’s step-aunt studies the energetic-electromagnetic-algebraic-nautical-
astrological-quantum auras of stair-substitute technology in schools constructed in the 1930s, and he told me that the escalators will emit radiation which is, like, bad for your brain and stuff.” Ray Deum (10-1) also shares radiation concerns. “My great-grandma was Marie Curie so this problem is quite personal to me. Radiation is so normalized these days, and it’s irresponsible of the SDP to promote that.” However, this concern has been posed to the most revered escalator corporations and, though they acknowledge the severity of the issue, they claim those cases only occur in 0.000000001% of people. Another troubled student is Kay Nein, whose dog died on an escalator in 1904. This dilemma has been counteracted since no dogs will be permitted to ride the escalators. When reviewing the information, the SDP denied safety risks, weighed the pros and cons, and currently plans to proceed with the installation. The administration has also promised therapy to those affected by escalator trauma.
Before the 2022-2023 school year, there are a few things to keep in mind:
There will be no drinking and eating on the escalators to prevent the destruction of the technology.
Current stairwells one and four will become the escalators going up the building; stairwells two and three will bring students downstairs.
During a fire drill, escalators will move backward to aid in building evacuation.
No pets are allowed on the escalators. Please be mindful not to let any stray animals into escalator stairwells.
No sitting on elevators; sitting on moving steps looks unflattering.
Escalator support groups will be available every period in room 609 Tuesdays and Thursdays, and room 2209 Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
This news is predicted to change the school and students in every way you can imagine. The SDP hopes everyone is excited about the transformation, which will make our district proudly the first-ever in the world to install escalators in a school over one story.