SEPTA Bans Teenagers

Following another incident on the BSL involving a group of teenagers rampaging through the concourse, SEPTA and the City of Philadelphia have taken a drastic measure. Effective immediately, all persons under the age of 21 shall be prohibited from taking public transportation. This new policy aims to improve the experience of commuters, while ensuring a safer and quieter environment for the city’s workforce to lock-in before a grueling day. Mayor Cherelle Parker took credit for the measure, citing her “Safer, Cleaner, Greener” campaign. “This shift will ensure our buses, trains, and trolleys are as clean and safe as they can be, increasing ridership and making Philadelphia a national leader in sustainability,” she noted in a news conference.

All teachers and staff expressed unanimous enthusiasm, and are glad they can now take the train to school. “I’ve always wanted to take the subway to school, but I never felt safe,” expressed Officer Taylor. “From now on, I’ll be riding the subway to school – I’m so glad I won’t have to worry about driving.” Ms. Geiger shared a similar sentiment. “Driving to school is the worst part of my day – it literally takes me thirty minutes. Now, I feel so happy that I’ll be able to take a train, transfer to a bus, and then to the BSL before a walk of only a few blocks. It will take over two hours, but I know I’ll feel safe.” Principal Laurie, long accustomed to safe and efficient European public transport, joined the chorus. “I much prefer the tube. I’m so excited to hear Philadelphia will now be safe and clean just like what I remember from across the pond,” he commented.

Ms. Aubry, a Masterman art teacher, noted that she hopes to bring enthusiasm to the seniors by leading a project to design parking spaces. Inspired by suburban high schools, she hopes to oversee the creation of

Despite teachers displaying the most enthusiasm for SEPTA’s policy change, the senior students seem to be finding ways to make the best out of the situation.