LAST VISIT


VISITS INTO THE REAL REALITY Writing 4 PART 2

"You have been so busy taking notes that you hardly took time to look at me," G. said at the beginning of what turned out to be the last visit with him. "Maybe you should do that now. What do you see?"

I still had almost two days left of my vacation. As usual, G. was sitting quietly opposite of me. The scenery behind him was peaceful. Nothing stood out.

I looked at his pleasant open face, as always impressed by the extreme clarity of his eyes. While I looked at him, before I could react to his remark, I thought I noticed in the center of his eyes, way in the back of them, a short flickering. It was as if someone else was looking at me from there. I immediately dismissed this because it didn't feel right. So I concentrated on seeing him as I always had.

But I couldn't.

What first seemed first an unpleasant disturbance in the back of his eyes became an image of him. Actually, became him. But his appearance rapidly changed. His face crumbled; became scary. His body shrunk, looked awkward, ugly. The color of his robe turned into a dark brown and became wrinkled and ragged. This took place within the framework of his eyes while I kept looking at him.

It was awful.

He hissed something like, "Did I fool you, eh? You really thought it was me?" Then his body that had turned black moved backwards through a tunnel of light that was narrowing at the end. Somehow it seemed that his 'original' eyes were still the stage on which this was happening. He became smaller and smaller, was pulled back by some force he seemed to resist. He struggled to free himself; it evidently happened against his will. As long as I could still see it, his face was distorted while he kept screaming at me with what sounded like vulgarities. I didn't get the words. I was too shocked.

While he disappeared into what seemed the back of his own eyes, which then also were gone, two large figures, twice my size, stood before me where he had been sitting. They were huge, menacing, terrifying; looked like demons or devils; in black, as those are traditionally pictured in my world. They completely blocked my view.

I had no time to monitor my fear. My mind frantically searched for an explanation for this horrific scene.

They formed a solid wall of ugly darkness by just standing there. I was aware that at any moment they could touch me as they stood only two feet away from me. They did address me in a growling voice but I was too upset to hear what they were saying. I only know their words fitted their massive lurid appearance.

I got out a, "What do you want?"

It flashed on me that if this would happen on my physical plane, I would be utterly petrified. To a point, I was now. I was aware that I couldn't breathe. I kept saying to myself that this had to lead to something, but that whatever it was, I was not going to buy in to it. Perhaps it was a projection or materialization of something evil or dark hiding in me. If this was the case and that evil flooded me now, I must have been luring myself into believing I am basically a decent and positive person. It would mean my dark side is a hundred times stronger than I thought. But whatever, I was not going to give it space or control if I could help it.

Yet I knew this was no projection of some ugly part of myself.

They still didn't move closer.

I did what I have done mentally in the past when encountering something dark or threatening. I did not engage in conversation, did not 'ask' them to go away, but told them to go. I shouted something like, "I don't want you in my space, whoever you are or whatever you want."

They bellowed out a thunderous laugh that echoed all over; so loud and dense it seemed to consist of matter.

I raised my voice and again told them to go. I stated that I believe the Gamaliel I met was real, that what he said was true, that I wanted to see him again and that they had to get out of my space.

"Who tells you we are not him?" It came in the lowest bass voice I ever heard. It was as if in the back of their mouths I saw flames; more or less as in the old days 'hells' were portrayed. Soon, not just their throat but their whole body seemed to be afire from within.

(I don't remember from my childhood pictures or stories of hellish flames or of an eternal inferno scaring me. I don't think I ever believed there was such a place. 'Hell' for me is what I know people may have to go through on earth. So I can't see that what is happening now as coming from anywhere within myself.)

They bent over; their gross looking enormous hands reaching out. I was sure they were going to grab me by my clothes at chest high, but they still did not touch me. I remember I didn't dare to resume breathing, afraid the air would smell so atrocious it would have me faint.

Loudly and slowly I repeated that I wanted them to leave and go to wherever they came from; that I was not interested; that I was perfectly happy with the words of G., and that they clearly did not represent I AM and therefore were not supposed to be in this world here in the first place.

They were gone!

Nothing took their place. I felt completely exhausted, empty.

After quite a while, the voice of I AM said, "Look behind you."

I turned around. It took me awhile to see that from the farthest left to the farthest right, shoulder to shoulder, stood an immense 'army', dressed in white, holding a bow type of thing in their hands with arrows pointing at what was now behind me. This was on my level. But above them and beneath them was a similar multitude. I think above and beneath those were still another layers filled with them.

I heard no sound. Yet they slowly moved towards me. I felt alone, lost, still in shock. I just stood there.

Then I AM - forgive me for the inadequate way of describing it - put His/Her arm around my shoulder, became one with me and said, "You cannot feel what you feel. It is beyond you. Yet it is not. Can you accept that that is all right?"

I didn't know what to answer.

The movement towards me had stopped. It was as if waves of warmth, love, purity, joy, flowed towards me. Everything was white and bright.

Wisdom was there. He sort of broke the spell of the moment when he said, "Don't worry about Gamaliel. He is all right." (So, indeed, something had happened to him!!) He continued, "What you just saw happening, let it stand as it was."

I AM was still there. The armies slowly retreated, became vague and a beautiful landscape unfolded all around me; one like I am used seeing here.

I AM said, "You can let it be, without trying to find an explanation," clearly referring to what had happened earlier. "Can you live with that?"

I told I AM I would try.