I want to stress that these 'Journeys' happened 'out of the blue'. I never gave any thought to or had any personal interest in something like it. Much of what I observed and heard on these 'Journeys' is obviously of a symbolic or mythological nature. Yet there is an element of reality, too. It provided insight into a dimension I up till then had only read about, (Swedenborg, Francuck and others; see 'Epilogue). A few years later, other 'journeys/visits' followed. On this Website they are reported in Writing 4, 'Visits into the Real Reality'. These experiences in another dimension confirm that an other world does exist; even when actually accessing it can only happen on our spiritual level. It also confirms all I could write down in the other Writings about my direct contact with the 'I AM'.
The here described Visits sure brought down quite a few barriers in the way I experience being a human being here.
Pieter Noomen, Th.Drs
Los Angeles, 2007, edited for www. 20018 Email: email@example.com Copyright © P.N. 2018
O N E
Los Angeles, 09/20/96
Absolutely at a loss about what to expect, I sat in my chair, facing Your presence. The day before I had answered with 'yes' Your out-of-the-blue question whether I would like to go on a journey. I guessed it would be one on my spiritual level, not a physical one, but I wasn't sure. This occurred at the time I was finishing Writing 3, The Seven Names. I was wondering what I would be writing next, if anything at all. I had nothing in mind.
I felt Your closeness. This is what happened. I became aware of my two other selves. (See Writing 5). Especially the female part was very distinctly there. She looked a petite brunette, alive and sharp. "Don't forget that you are also us!" they reminded me. I tried to do that. Not just intellectually but also emotionally, Still. I don't grasp their presence at all; I can't place the fact that there is another 'me'.
After a while, in front of me, a white horse appeared; it stood close, only a few steps away. I walked up to it; its face almost touched mine. I didn't feel too comfortable but went to its side and jumped on its bare back. (Once a while, on a ranch, I've done horseback riding.) Immediately, the horse took off, first galloping, then flying. I said to myself, 'This is ridiculous. I don't appreciate Peter Pan stuff!' But my alter ego, evidently still with me, said, "Don't knock down that story. It points at a deep truth." I was extremely skeptical. Their voices insisted, however, that I had the option to indulge in this experience or end it. Reluctantly, I chose the first.
The ride ended when the horse stopped in a, what I can only call, grand setting. Yet I don't remember any details, except that everything in the huge space I was in seemed to be in front of You. You filled the whole range of my vision while at the same time the center remained of human proportions. All was light and exuded power. I slid from the horse and knelt. I don't know why. You smiled and said, "See, now they are gone!" (I guessed You were talking about my two other sides). "Here, before Me, you are one," You said. It took time to let that sink in. I tried to figure out how this affected me. I suspected this was part of the full reality as that came up so often in our communication: no separations or distances. I was able to think some about it but it still didn't register emotionally.
I was not really at ease. It felt as if I was being watched from both sides. Looking left and right I saw glistening eyes in the half dark there. It seemed as if we were on a brightly lighted stage while a critical, or even hostile, audience followed everything I did or said. "No," You said, "You're not imagining things. That darkness out there is a part of your world. You're not ready yet to be with Me fully without disturbances." Friendly, You explained that those entities I saw there were my 'shadows', 'demons', 'evil spirits' or whatever I wanted to call them. They represent the Negative State in my life. I started to talk to them. (It's what I do lately when I sense the presence of negative influences. I don't argue with them but simply and firmly invite them to join me in going to the light and getting close to our common source. With so many words I invite them to convert to the real reality, which I am so incredibly fortunate to be in touch with now in such a direct way.) I didn't notice any reaction coming from them.
Then You said, "Look at what is behind you." I actually turned my head. Behind me, I saw a giant figure, an overpowering volume of body mass, dressed in a sort of samurai outfit, huge. Seeing him towering over me took away my breath and fear jumped up in me. But right away I did address him and surprised myself by asking if he was 'Strong'. ('Strong' is the name of an entity that proved to be an 'impostor' during the time years ago, when I learned to get in touch with my 'spiritual advisers' as I called them then. I had forgotten all about this, but his name popped up in my mind.) More than I saw it, I felt You nodding. I took it as an encouragement to continue to confront this dark presence. I faced it and said emphatically, "I have chosen, out of my free will, to love One Holy. You, Strong, if that's your name, represent slavery, all over. You may have fooled me in the past and probably had real power over me then. If so, I allowed it. But not anymore. I now know of the true reality. In that sphere I place myself without any hesitation or reservation. And deep down you must know that you, as any life-form, belong there also!"
I wondered whether I was supposed to do something more. I looked at You. Calmly You said, "You can be a channel through which I reveal Myself to him." It was no request but the simple statement of a fact. I immediately saw the truth that in many ways I obscure Your light. I wanted to step aside so I could at least remove myself physically from this scene. But I was not able to move. I was stuck and felt frustrated while I tried to figure out what the options were. Then something dawned on me. The love and the truth for this monumental entity has to come from me. It had to come as a radiation or a message from the person I am. For all practical purposes I represent the I AM (God) right now, this moment but also in other circumstances. I have the opportunity to address this monstrous entity from the position of being aware of the true reality. So I addressed the huge appearance: "Listen, this is where I stand, with all my frailties you know so well. Yet the only real reality is I AM. On some level or another you know damn well that He/She is your life-giver also!" The figure did not respond at all but the next moment it was gone, and so were the watching eyes.
It seemed that You and I were alone. You said, "Let me introduce you to others". A great sense of being accepted flooded me even before I became aware of a crowd of beings around me. They moved in a way that they got closer to me. I felt their attention, full of curiosity. A powerful thought pushed itself into my mind, 'I want to get out of the limelight; I am not ready for this'. You said to me, "Remember the two other parts of you? You've seen their strong features. Others here see them. They see them as also being you. They like you. They desire to know you in all your aspects."
Up till this moment, the crowd had remained amorphous. But now, a dwarf-sized person came up to me. I strongly rebelled against being part of a fairy tale scene like this. I really wanted to get out of it. I concluded that this didn't make any sense. (I had the suspicion that some part of my mind created these images; like it happens in dreams or guided imagery, or in the way artists get their ideas.) But a clear voice in me interrupted with, 'Let it happen! Stay with it! How will you learn otherwise?' The dwarf reached me and I felt he was trying to climb into my lap. The idea that he might touch my groin area was utterly distasteful. But he climbed higher, till I was holding him, he sitting in my arm. He took a flute from his pocket and played it. I barely heard the sound and cannot describe it. I guessed it sounded beautiful and I suppose it may correspond with the sound of Your face as Truth (Writing 5), but I had no receptor to process the music. What it noticeably did, however, was to create an atmosphere in which I, surprisingly, didn't feel guarded anymore. I felt uninhibited and capable of being physically close to anybody; capable of touching any part of anybody - if I would care to do so. And even more that if I would do it, those being touched would be honored by it. And vice versa. Quite a change from my tightness just a while ago! I noticed there wasn't any fear left in me relating to being among so many others. I looked at You. You smiled friendly at me and said, evidently in good spirits, "It's a different world, isn't it?"
That moment I felt sure that also in my earthly life I will be able to hold on to this healthy position. At least, as well as I can. While I reflected on this, I realized that this first trip was over.
(I made notes of what I could remember of this experience, then, and of the later 'journeys'. I did't look at those notes until later, when I readied them for printing on the computer.)
T W O
Los Angeles, 09/21/1996
For a long time I sat in the chair, just waiting. I said the 'prayer', the affirmation I lately use. (See Home page.) You did confirm, "Yes, if you want, a trip is in store for you." You reminded me of yesterday's journey in which for a while I was not only aware of my other parts but also experienced the integration of the me here and the me who is them. You also suggested to remember that I addressed in a personal way the negative entities I encountered.
Without any introduction, a horse was waiting. Its face was so close to me that if I wanted, I could probably smell and feel its hot breath. The moment I mounted it, it took off vertically. I saw the earth under me getting smaller and smaller. You kept talking to me. "Observe the distance while you rise higher and higher," You said. "You now hear Me as clearly as when you are at home in your chair. I am always close to you and to anybody and anything that is in existence. It's the way reality is. Realize that you cannot go anywhere where this is not so." Then You asked me to look around and tell what I saw. I did. The skies above me were dark. Well, it wasn't so much dark as it was a complete emptiness I looked up to.
The horse stopped. I prepared to jump off. But I saw no ground to stand on. "You're afraid?" You asked, smiling. I heard myself saying bravely but not very convincingly, "How could I be. This isn't a normal world. Plus, You being here with me should take care of fear." So, trying not to think about what might happen, I got off the horse. I didn't feel the ground and realized then that I didn't have a physical body. Yet I was very much aware of myself. My mental functions worked normally as far as I knew. I felt as being one dense bundle of consciousness; whatever that is. While considering this, suddenly all around me throughout the empty space a white world seemed to materialize. It consisted of millions of people. But as sudden as it came, the phenomenon disappeared. The horse also was gone.
I started walking. In no particular direction. For a long time. Effortless. I had no understanding at all about what this meant. Then you said, "This is you, as manifestation of Me. Tell Me, do you feel burdened, bored or impatient?" I answered in the negative and told You that the strongest emotion I felt had to do with me having nothing to relate to or to do, and that on earth I would get jittery in this kind of situation. You told me that You wanted me to get a sense of complete fullness and freedom; that nothing 'had' to be done or even thought.
After a while You asked, "What is it you would like to know more about?" I took time to think about this. Then, I started to verbalize my inner dialogue. I said, "I would like insight in how I relate to these two other parts of me. How does it work? But no, that information can wait because later, when I die, the question will be answered automatically I guess. What I'm more concerned about are all those falsities floating in my mind. I'm so far from being clear-minded. But, perhaps, spotting that 'dirt' and trying to remove it is an ongoing process. And then there's that issue You repeatedly mentioned, that my weak point is in the area of 'being' love. When with You or when being by myself I seem all right. But what while I'm with others? I wished I knew to overcome my love-deficiency then. Also, prosaically, there's my struggle to keep my blood sugar in check, being a diabetic. Wouldn't it be nice to have full control over it? Yet on the other hand, there's nothing particularly urgent about that situation."
So I didn't come up with something specific. I told You so. Your presence remained comforting and friendly. It always comes with the sensation of a completeness in which I am included.
You told me that You would leave me alone for a while. I commented, "That reminds me of what I sometimes tell myself before going to sleep, that while I'm 'gone' during the night, I would like to be 're-wired' and heal in ways I cannot do by myself consciously." You laughed when You said, "More than you think is going on outside the range of your awareness!"
I sort of retreated into myself, but instead of becoming reflective, what I expected, things became confusing. I heard a multitude of voices and related them to the first component of life, the oneness of all things as reality's truth (Writing 5). But wasn't then the sound coming from trumpets? The voices seemed to push towards the center of my active listening but after a while they faded. As so often in a situation like this I immediately became alarmed. 'Isn't this all fake? Simply a product of my imagination? What I earlier learned about Your colors and sounds, am I supposed to know them by heart?' I resisted going back in time to remember my earlier experiences. I became very critical of this whole scene. Then, I heard the sounds of a flute. Someone played a very accommodating and pleasantly simple melody. I took time to listen. "Yes," You said, "This is like the music of the gnome yesterday."
You continued, "What about love?" Without thinking I promptly answered, "Then I have to be factual." I mentioned that the distance between this place and being recently involved in a relationship seemed enormous. You said, "You can go there anyway! As manifestation of Me you can do it." I thought of my friend. Instantly, it seemed we were together. Somehow, I saw how much You are present in that person. I tried to express it but could not find the right words. My partner said, "I know you don't like things about me, but I may have things against you. Still, we both are God's creatures." Spontaneously we embraced. It was a beautiful moment, warm; it had something glorious to it. "This is reality," You said to us. "This is the 'normal' norm for expressing love. Both of you are from love, even while you may be overwhelmed and often overpowered by difficulties and conflicting interests like all people on earth. Loving never changes; it's always an option."
From the chair opposite of me, a white glow radiated. It reached me as in an embrace. I knew I would not be able to describe this properly. You told me that it was the love You are that filled me; and that You are present in the same way amidst, in, and with all people if we let You. There are no exceptions. You pointed out that this concluded this journey. I thought of the horse but You said it was not necessary to transport me back, since what I experience on these 'journeys' is happening in the realm of the real reality, in the Positive State, where distances are immaterial. Even if it doesn't seem that way, being there is more real and natural than the familiar here and there, then and now, how to and when, my earthly existence has me facing.
T H R E E
Los Angeles, 09/22/1996
(I slept badly last night and wondered why. A socially prominent lady I knew died that night and a colleague told me this morning he witnessed that in his dream. It upset him greatly. I was not particularly close to her, so had no strong reaction. Also, this morning, I was told that a few days ago a widely known clergyman of almost saintly caliber had passed on.)
I had hesitated to sit down because the time I had available for a new experience was limited. But in view of not feeling that great, I wanted this special time with You. You confirmed that You knew about my hesitation and the reasons for it. You said that You were willing to allow another 'journey' for me. (For the umpteenth time, I had to remind myself that it is always I who has the confusion or difficulty. It is never You!)
I felt relaxed now and could open up myself for whatever was going to happen. I had no expectations or any parameter on any level.
My other self, the male part, appeared. He walked up to me. I had to re-focus my eyes as he came within two feet from me. Without words I asked him about my female other part. He simply said, "She'll come." I think I saw her vaguely behind him. Then he moved even closer and 'stepped' into me. I don't know how to say it otherwise; I heard his voice now within me. He confirmed that was correct and that he would stay there for now. I frantically searched for any special physical or mental sensation. Did I feel any 'fuller'? But no, nothing seemed changed except that I felt pleasantly satisfied. Knowing him 'within me' felt comfortable. Then I saw my female part approaching. She didn't look petite and dark-haired as she did two days ago. She was blond and feisty. Without saying much she also 'stepped' into me. I joked with them that it must get crowded up there. I mentioned to them the events of the day. I told them the thought has crossed my mind whether I should follow in that clergyman's footsteps. There was no reaction. I turned to You. I saw You beaming with pleasure. You looked so 'mighty'.
You explained to me that this new situation is a real one. You stressed that 'they' are me, however impossible it is for me to grasp this. You said, "All that you see you perceive by earthly human means. The same with what you hear and imagine when you communicate with Me and with them. It has to be this way since your being on earth doesn't allow for any other methods for those in My world to get through to you." Then You gently urged me to realize that these experiences I'm involved in now are part of my getting used to the fact that my person is a manifestation, an expression of You. You concluded with, "This is the new situation for you to which you can accommodate yourself, it you want!"
I realized that today's and the other day's trip was not much of a journey. But somehow they were.
F O U R
La Paz, 09/28/1996
(On vacation, in my hotel room, I put out two chairs for 'us'. I don't know why negative events flashed through my mind: muggings, AIDS threat, surgery, finances and neighbor problems. Yet I also was aware of my lifelong deep sense within me that the worst would not happen to me.)
I asked if it was appropriate for the journeys to continue while I was on vacation. You let me know that one was waiting for me and that it would be a bad one. "Hold on to your seat!" You said.
Immediately I saw a reddish horse, wild looking. But after I mounted it I felt comfortable. It seemed there were many other horses around us. Mine took off as a meteor. I knew You were still close by. You confirmed that and said, "I am as a voice in you. I am the one through whom all exists, remember! Therefore you can always sense Me as being close."
The trip was long. Eventually I saw a red tinted horizon. Coming closer, I observed dark clouds caused by fumes from a fire, like a heavy smog hanging over a city. We went straight into the clouds. You warned me that I would hardly be able to hear You. The air got thicker and thicker. 'This must smell awful,' I thought. Deliberately I tried not to inhale through my nose. I had no difficulty with that. The journey seemed to last for days. I didn't experience hunger or thirst, I noticed. Suddenly, the horse was gone from under me. I fell. It seemed for hours. It numbed me. I went through layers of grayness first and then everything became black. Finally, I landed in what looked as a huge cave and I found myself in the midst of, millions it seemed, people.
In the semi-dark, I first could only distinguish pieces of bodies, all looking pale. Then I saw that many had red spots and open sores and wounds. The stench was incredible. I didn't smell this directly; it registered through my mouth. Nobody paid any attention to others. The space was filled with a constant groaning. The floor undulated slightly. It felt like slimy rock. I moved around. Stepped over bodies. There was movement but in no particular direction. I gave up walking. By the sparse light I looked at myself. It was awful: nothing was normal anymore; blood was all over, cuts everywhere; all my body parts were swollen. But I felt no pain. I put my hands to my face. It felt covered with bumps and holes. Just as what I could see in the others.
Then, some light came in on the left. Huge waves of water washed over us. I had a short vision of an enormous dragon-type monster spewing water as with an immense hose. Again, this seemed to last for hours. I hardly could get any air in. I was rolling in the waves until I landed on a heap of bodies in the darkness. I didn't talk to You at all, busy as I was to survive. I did not panic and didn't seem to have time to even feel scared. I was completely engaged in what was happening. I had no choice than to take it dead seriously. The tiny bit of 'free' energy left to me went to observing what was going on. But it gave me no time to feel or reflect.
Then, a hatch opened beneath me. With others I fell a few feet into a tunnel with a low ceiling. It wasn't possible to stand, so we had to crawl. We all crawled in one direction. My hands plunged into excrement that covered the floor. I couldn't avoid it. I had to move through it. I blocked out the implications of this horror for my body and mind. I felt fright rising in me. (I knew this also had to do with a phobia I have since boyhood for narrow passages in which I can get stuck.) My thinking became panicky. I lost all perspective of time. Finally, a hug space opened up in front of us. Facing us was an enormous, our whole horizon filling, statue-like but also moving and constantly-changing-color monstrous face. Between it and us was a chasm filled with an infernal red-hot fire. Over it, on our side, hung a wide precipice. I saw that on all sides bodies kept falling over the edge into the fire. I knew that my turn was coming. When I came close to the edge I saw a net hanging between the precipice and the furnace. All bodies had fallen into that net. I did. I didn't see anybody falling into the fire.
We then were somehow shepherded onto a passageway to a stage. It felt as if the air around was scorching me yet at the same time my skin turned icy cold. I stood in a line of people that slowly moved forward. A sort of voice said, "Say 'A'." I automatically did so. All did. I wondered about non-English speaking people. I guessed they probably reacted the same way I did because it was not really a word from a language I heard but more a sound that triggered something in my brain and had me respond. Then the same type of command came, "Say 'B'." Again, I did. This went on and on. Actually, it didn't stop. I kept responding to it. Vaguely, something in me reminded me that I didn't have to obey the command.
We moved towards the big monstrosity I had seen at the other side of the abyss. It consisted of millions of cells, or holes, like little caves or a honeycomb. In each one of them a person fitted. I don't know if I stepped into one by myself or was shoved in. The moment I was in one of the cubicles, a gate locked behind me. I was told to say 'C'. Doing this caused the outside of my cell to flash a light. I realized that now I was part of that hideous face. I was one of its on and off flickering lights. I looked at my body. Just below my elbow I saw a tube stuck in my arm with lines attached. I tried to see the rest of my body, especially my feet, but they were not there. None of the other parts I saw either. 'I'm not a body anymore,' I realized. 'I'm just a spirit. 'But then I noticed the tubes again. That didn't fit the picture of having no body.
I wanted to give up, feeling passive and resigned. I thought of masochistic ideation. There was a vaguely sexual undertone in this being nothing but a non-entity. Was this my destiny? Would this go on forever? My earthly life seemed far away. I wondered what was more real, this here or that out there. I recognized that I now functioned in the evil state. I was a part of it. I contributed to it and seemed to fit in nicely. I then thought of You! What do You know about the existence of this world? Were You in it? Did You get in as deep as I do now? And then, in case You did, how did You get out of it? I wondered whether You heard me. Your voice sounded 'thin', when You said, "I took out the tube." After I heard this I decided to try if I could do that. I started to pull all my thinking together in order to believe that pulling the tube could be also a possibility for me. With all my concentration and willpower I focused on lifting up my hand. Evidently I still had one! It felt as in a dream when you can't move. Yet with an all-out effort I was finally able to get my arm close enough to my free hand to pull out the tube.
It was a very desperate and exhausting act. It resulted in an immediate sensation of disappearing, of going up into nothingness. I mumbled that several times, 'Now I'm nothing anymore. Now I'm nothing.' Except for this awareness of not existing anymore that also seemed to weaken fast, all else was gone. I've no idea how long it lasted. At one point, I heard some slight explosions, three or four, there where my head had been. Then, a somewhat stronger one. It snapped me back into my 'normal' life because I was sitting in the hotel room chair.
Friendly You looked at me. You must have noticed my bewilderment when spontaneously I asked You to hug me. You invited me to come over to You. Physically, I stayed in my chair but the rest of me went to You and embraced You. I felt so comforted. We didn't talk anymore. I knew that first I had to write down this terrifying experience.
F I V E
La Paz, 09/29/1996
While I waited in my chair for what was to come, You presented me with the question why I do this, waiting for and expecting a trip like the previous ones. Friendly, You reminded me that I better be sure that I want it, because it doesn't have to happen. Specifically, You wanted me to check myself whether my main motivation is gathering material for further writing, with the possibility of having it published. I did some soul-searching and told you that the thought of that regularly crosses my mind but that I dismiss it as not being the reason why I want this to continue. Anything about this is an adventure for me. I take it in, will write it down, may give it to some people to read, but that is it. I have no interests beyond that. Then, You told me You were going to show me another side of the full reality, a beautiful part. You promised that I would hear a new sound.
At a distance, I saw a white horse. It stood on its hind legs and moved around nervously. When I came closer, I saw it actually was more grayish. You asked me to take note of the gray color and also of the sky. I saw that the sky was gray also. I wondered whether anybody was holding the horse. But that evidently was not the case. I approached it carefully and managed to climb on its back and once seated I felt safe. The horse moved slowly. I held on to its manes and felt their coarseness. We moved as in slow motion in an undulating rhythm,at a lazy pace. It was a comfortable ride. We must have lifted off, because I could see nothing under us. I became aware of other horses around us, lined up and moving in the same direction as we did. They had no riders. The distance between us stayed the same; we didn't get closer. For a long time we traveled this way. The likeness to railroad tracks struck me. They seem to get together at the horizon but they don't.
Then suddenly, in the center of all the movement, in front of us, stood a beautiful white horse. You were seated on it. For some reason or another I could not take a close look. Well, one reason may have been that the white horse transformed before my eyes into what I took was a glorious throne. Bright light was radiating from it in all directions. I got off my horse. I saw I was among countless people. They were shorter than me. I was shorter than normal. I noticed that my dress was sort of medieval, two layers of thin leather robes. I felt very much at ease. The atmosphere was relaxed.
When I saw close by a woman with beautiful soft shining long hair I wanted to touch it. I took a strain of it in my hand and kissed it. She turned her head and the expression on her face held an invitation to embrace her. I heard Your voice, saying, "Yes, this is a part of making love." A man came up to me, clearly with the intention to join us on the walk. I told him, "I'm from earth, this is new to me." He laughed. "We all are! Come, we have a long walk ahead of us."
We leisurely walked, till finally we arrived at a plateau, the edge of it hanging over a valley. The valley spread out as far as I could see. There were many small overhangs. Each had about ten to twelve people on it. In the group we were heading to, one person was standing with his back to us. When we joined them, he turned around. I felt a shock, because he looked as the Jesus as traditionally pictured in my culture. "I am!", he said. "Realize that in the spirit realm I am everywhere. This is real life. Come, join the group!" He proceeded to introduce me to my two other parts that were there also. But the images of this scene sort of sputtered. I managed to say that I was promised new sounds. While I did that, I wondered whether it was my imagination or did I really hear bells, followed by soothing sounds of waves? I became very suspicious. Somehow, the sounds seemed artificial, or better, they seemed too 'normal', too earth-like. They probably were fabricated by part of my mind, I concluded. I felt terribly frustrated. Tears came up. 'I won't ever be able to understand all this, I just don't know how to stay focused,' I told myself. 'I'm not the right person to experience these esoteric things.' I didn't try anymore to listen and I realized that the only fact I truly knew and was sure of right now, was that I found myself in the center of a familiar problem: my lack of a sharp, analytical mind. (The fear that my communication with You would prove to be fake or a joke has been with me from day one that I started to meet with You personally.)
I cried for a while out of pure frustration. Nothing seemed to make sense or was being resolved. Part of me considered going back, stepping off this inner world stage and forgetting about the whole thing. I felt defeated. I tried to sweeten the ordeal by saying that I could always come back another time. So I turned around to leave. Then, there was this voice. As a wave it came from all directions. It filled all the space around as well as every corner in me. Slowly, the sound ascended, increasing to a very high pitch. Counter voices came in, picking up a melody. Other segments lowered their input. The modulations kept changing on all levels. I never heard anything like it. It was completely other-dimensional, not originating in or fitting in our sound scales here. The voices also came with the sensation of fluctuating lights. It was so awesome that I felt as in trance. All of me was transfixed.
I don't know how long it lasted. I realized at one point that I was on my journey back. The wind blew pleasantly around my head. I traveled fast. The scenery was serene and peaceful. The echo of the sounds I just heard still filled my mind. When I arrived, I saw You sitting in the chair, nodding. And grinning!
S I X
La Paz, 09/30/1996
I felt somewhat pressured by time. But more than that, the unpleasant experience I had yesterday in the middle of the journey that made me cry was very much on my mind. Doubt filled me about the realness of, and my sincerity in, engaging in these 'spiritual' adventures. The sounds I experienced seemed authentically other-worldly but something about the 'trip' kept disturbing me on a deep level.
You were there. As always so friendly. You kept silent for a long time. Then, again, you put the choice before me. I don't have to do this visiting with You. It's completely up to me to continue or not. In all honesty I answered, "I want to continue because this direct involvement with You comes first in my life. I think I really mean this; as much as the entity I am can be sincere." You then let me know that the upcoming journey would be quite different and would cause me to wonder.
I waited patiently. An image of water came up, a vast body of it, like an ocean. I was in it and was sinking. Your voice came, "Yes, you are sinking but let yourself go. Do not worry about your breathing." I saw and felt myself going deeper into the water. Around me it got dark. In passing, I saw chunks of coral and sharp rock formations; they got bigger and bigger. It looked like what underwater films show. The thought of having to land on the knife-like rocks scared me. Your voice seemed intended to calm me, "You have thick rubber soles; you won't get hurt."
I passed an area that glowed with some blue light. I thought I would go there. But instead, I sank deeper and deeper. The thought of inducing hypnosis crossed my mind; people being told to go deeper and deeper into trance. But in every respect, I was aware of what was happening and observed it fully 'awake'.
Then, again, there was some blue light. You said, "Let's go there." I felt Your presence going with me. The color of the water became lighter and I saw at the bottom white sand. The water around me turned into gentle waves. Emerging from them I noticed that they broke at the entrance of a cave. The air was clear and cool. There was a stream, an underground river. I wanted to let the current carry me but you suggested to go in the other direction. I tried to swim against the tide but couldn't. I felt that You got hold of me and pulled me up so that I as it were stood on the water. At that moment I realized I, indeed, could walk on it! The places I walked through on the stream all looked like caves. They had different colors. I noticed deep green, red, brown, yellow, violet. I worried about not remembering the colors because they seemed significant. You reacted with, "When you write this down, those readers who have insight will realize it when you make mistakes. Others won't notice."
It was a long walk. Then the light became blue again. When I sat down, I realized that I was tired. You said, "This was your trip. You relied on Me. You accepted My presence as familiar. You didn't fear drowning. You were free to walk on water, weren't you? Nothing negative disturbed you."
I started thinking about how to get home. You laughed and demonstratively turned around. Behind You, all that was in the range of my vision first looked as a solid huge wall; but then it started to split. Slowly, the two sides parted. "Now, this you recognize from the Moses story, do you?", You teased. "Look at it!" It was almost too majestic to watch. Two sky- high walls of water formed. I walked in between them. When I looked behind me, I saw that they seemed to come together again. Looking in front of me, I found myself on the beach I visit daily during my vacations here.
S E V E N
La Paz, 10/01/1996
I was in a 'neutral' mood. Nothing special was on my mind. I just waited till something would happen. I noticed that my thoughts in a free-floating way went to an issue that regularly crosses my mind. Of course I know that I have a personal involvement in this writing. But what about people that operate in different worlds than I do and won't relate to experiences like these in any way? I thought of particular people who for some reason or another had crossed my mind this morning - 'street' people, an ambitious stockbroker, teenagers. Could the dimension I am in touch with and my ability to visit with You function similarly in their life as it does in mine? And what about the practical relevance of all this?
A bird appeared. Enormous in size, big like a jumbo jet. I was asked to notice its color. It looked off-white with some brown spots in it. From closer up, I saw the impression of brown came from golden streaks. Its appearance was intimidating. Walking around it, its beak looked like two huge pillars. Touching its chest, it felt like coarse feathers. The legs were massive too. I had no idea how to get on this animal. But then, its left wing stretched all out and touched the ground. I climbed on it, walked to the neck area and seated myself between the wings. I held on to the feathers when gently the bird took off. The wings were bigger than those of a plane. But I was sitting securely on what felt like goose down. Actually, it was really comfortable. Almost not noticeably we rose. The wings moved slowly in a steady cadence, all the way.
It was a long trip. I enjoyed it because it felt safe and the pace was so leisurely. The skies turned a bit darker blue. I could not see what was below me because of the bird's wide body. Then, we slowed down. I felt the legs being stretched for landing like the landing gear of an airplane. With a soft bump we came to a halt. I saw that all around, though very far away, were mountain tops, lower than the height we were on. Clouds covered them partially. I saw glaciers and snow. However, I didn't feel any cold. The wing spread out again, clearly an invitation for me to descend from it. Standing up, I thought I saw a man waiting below, talking to some other people. When I reached the ground, which was a sort of plateau, indeed, a man approached to welcome me. He was dressed in a white robe. Thoughts of gurus, hermits, monks of the Himalayas, went through my head. He stretched out both his hands towards me. His face was, I thought, what you expect a wise man to have. But it kept changing! When I thought of Gandhi, he looked like him. When I thought of Jesus, or Moses, or Buddha, as we depict them traditionally, I saw the faces of those. I gathered that he must be the prototype of a sage. He must have read my mind because he commented that what I experienced was normal. He said that his face would adjust to the focus of my mind. He added, "And yes!, those mountains over there are the Himalayas. As you see, we're far above them."
I don't know why all of a sudden I had this seemingly inappropriate concern but I asked him anyway, whether I would get hungry or thirsty. "No," he said, "your earthly body is still in your chair; that one needs food." "You don't?", I asked. He answered, "Not in your sense of eating. I am a human manifestation for your sake." I asked what his name was. He responded, "I am Wisdom. I was asked to meet with you and to speak with you about all those questions you have, like those a while ago, about the stockbroker and the teenagers and those in poverty." I sort of objected, "Why can't I speak with I Am Him-/Herself like I always do? Well, at least up till now, that is!" He said, "The I AM, or God, Allah, the Lord Jesus Christ, Brahma, whatever name you want to use, relates to all of us. You have your personal relationship with Her/Him. As far as I am concerned you can talk with me, if you want, about questions you have in regard to the workings of things, people in the, for you, so other dimension."
I asked him about the people I thought I saw with him a while ago. He told me that they were there, pointing to the side. I saw a group of four or five people, nodding friendly to me. "They are my specialists, for when you ask difficult questions!" he laughed. He added, "No, I don't know everything. And besides that, they want to learn from you! For instance, the questions I saw you having are very important. The whole and only reason for the existence of the Negative State is to explore the 'impossible'. Since you are willing to ask from your position in the midst of it, we learn, too!"
The thought was somewhat disturbing to me that he didn't know everything. He must have read my mind because he said, "I do have wisdom. I'm not un-wise. I know much. But what I don't know is for me not a limit but an exciting challenge. Truth and insight always grow. Yet what I don't have, don't relate to and don't harbor, in contrast to you, are lies, falsities or half-truths. Those I cannot deal with. So, come up with your questions."
My first question was about where we were. Clearly not on earth itself. But why the Himalayas? In his answer he calmly taught me things. For instance, that wisdom, as exponent of the truth, is actually there as a radiating and radiated reality. It's not just a quality or certain color of things. 'Things' are expressions and creations of the truth. Wisdom makes them visible and operable. The plateau on which we stood is what we humans could call, a parallel reality. It's part of the real, unpolluted reality while planet earth as I know it is as it were the 'end of the line' of the phenomenon earth. Our earth has no radiation or parallel reality going out from it. Where we stood now was as close as the other dimensions of the phenomenon 'earth' can get to our planet without getting affected in a negative way. The high mountains below provide therefore, not just symbolically, the least contaminated plane to meet. He added that I didn't have to go physically to high mountaintops in order to be closer to this spot which, he repeated, is the next to last external layer of earth. In my spirit I can at any time come to a place like this here in order to bring up questions I have about the true facts of life. I was brought to this place so that I can get used to the idea that outside the world as I know it, the other dimensions are concrete and really there!
Wisdom's presence felt comfortable. He seemed so honest and he talked in a simple way. My attention span was short, as always. I couldn't think of specific questions, partly because everything becomes a question when I'm exposed to this kind of world!
I asked if I could hug him. "Of course!", he said friendly. I did. It felt so good to have this physical contact. I noticed that where our bodies touched, his felt as a regular human being. He disengaged, held me at arm's length, laughed and teased me, "Not bad for a person who says he doesn't need hugs because he didn't grow up with that custom!" I don't know how he knew that. But it triggered a question I had; one that I even had considered as a possible topic for an article I could write. So I asked, "What exactly does it mean, Allah, God or the I Am hugging me? I feel He/She does but it is very different from what we just did." He happily said, "We have a saying among us that the One Holy is as a fuzzy teddy bear!" I immediately panicked and cried out, "Stop!" All my alarms went off. Animals like bears are supposed to be creations of the Negative State and teddy bears are a recent, mass-produced product. The saying may sound cute but it doesn't help me to gain insight in celestial features. Hundreds of protests rose up in me. I felt physically in pain.
He took it seriously and while he addressed the issue I calmed down. He said, "I appreciate you being so alert. Let me say a few things. Bears as you know them belong to the animal world you are familiar with. As you know, the Negative State experimented with animals. Many new species evolved from their doings. But don't give them the credit for the variety of animal life. The beauty you pick up in nature doesn't come from their pseudo-creations and inventions but is a remnant of what in the Positive State is the normal fullness of all things and beings. Including animal-types of creatures. Also, keep in mind that I have to relate to you in earthly terms and with words fitting into your frame of reference; otherwise you couldn't even hear me. True reality needs to be translated into images and a language you can perceive, right?
I allowed myself to be convinced. Or was I? I know how clever impostors are. I think I asked some more questions but even while writing this down right after it happened, I can't remember them all. I only know I asked about how to leave. He didn't even have to tell me because the bird was there, waiting. Now, its color was light green. Again, the left wing provided a stairway. When looking at the 'specialists' while I was leaving, I noticed that one seemed to wear glasses. I commented on it. Wisdom repeated, "Don't forget we want to make you feel comfortable by having things look familiar. Our appearance here is only for this occasion, for now, for meeting with you. They respect you and you're in their love. Do know that I am specifically sent to assist you. I'll see you!"
The journey back was easy. It seemed very short. When I landed and was back in my chair, the bird disappeared as on a film in fast forward, right before my eyes. You were there. You told me that besides what the other trips would teach me I could use my contact with this man Wisdom to talk and ask questions.
(On my evening walk after I was back from the week vacation in L.P., even before I was focusing on my visiting with You, the question came overwhelmingly at me, 'Are you really serious about dedicating yourself to Me?' This was not asked with an undertone of doubt or criticism. It was an invitation for me to search my soul to the most thorough extent. Again, the thought of the devout, honest, his wisdom sharing clergyman who recently died flashed through my mind. I answered the question in the affirmative, stating that being honest with You is my absolute priority. But for days afterwards I kept asking myself whether perhaps I had reservations, fears or sneaky ulterior motives with my desire to have this closeness to You take first place in my life. Finally, I told You simply that as far as I am aware of myself, and as far as I am capable of expressing what I see as true in myself, I truly want to be aligned with You.)
E I G H T
Delft (The Netherlands), 10/31/1996
(I'm visiting my place of birth, a well preserved old city. Even as a boy I loved the place. The weather was dark, windy, rainy, gloomy, cold; typical for the fall in this area. I sat in my hotel room, ready for resuming the journeys; (if they would continue, that is.) I was relaxed and wondered what I would see first. A pink horse came to mind, then a brown one. I noticed that I could switch colors like switching TV stations. I was aware of Your presence as well as of my two other parts. You asked where I wanted to go. I answered that I would like to leave that completely open as I have done all the other times. But I added that there was a question on my mind relating to being in this particular city. Was there any significance to having such a lifelong deep affection for this town. It puzzles me why I feel so connected with it. It's the place where the famous Vermeer painted, his contemporary Van Leeuwenhoek discovered the 'alien' micro-world visible through the microscopes he developed, and where the scientist and later in his life mystic Swedenborg had his conversion experience. "Does this mean anything in regard to my relationship with You?" I asked. You didn't answer the question but said instead, "Come, go with Us."
I suddenly felt old, compared with these two other parts of me. I told them so. They said, "We understand, since you know yourself only from pictures or mirrors!" I laughed and said emphatically, "Right, and in those I'm a sixty six years old man on planet earth!" They invited me to add to this what I recently had learned about myself. And to keep attaching that information to my self-concept as my realest reality. They happily said, "You are us, too!"
We walked on a smooth and soft surface. Everything felt comfortable. We came to a waterfall. I undressed and stood under it. It was refreshing and it also seemed to reshape me somehow, outside and inside, from the feet upwards. I was conscious that I was thoroughly cleansed by this clear water. I felt no embarrassment from being naked in their presence, though I was fully aware of the fact. They told me that we would go to the city where I once found myself for a very short moment and that they would introduce me to some of their (our!) 'social' life.
The first person I recognized after arriving, was the wise man in white whom I met on my last journey a few weeks ago. I asked him the question, "How do you relate to God?" He put it this way, "You can see me as a 'thinking' manifestation of I AM. Like you are a particular manifestation and everything else in its way is, I had no difficulty accepting this. He then proceeded to tell me that my fondness for my birth place could be a trick to enslave me into some external addiction or preference. Anything can serve the purpose of getting us humans hooked and so fit into the Negative State. Now, is my being here accidental? He pointed out that the word 'accidental' is not correct. When my parents conceived me, a green light was given for the entity I am to voluntarily attach to that fetus while leaving full existence behind. When that happened I became subjected to all the limitations of my now localized spot in time, place, body and history on earth.
He said that, of course, I am free to enjoy this city or anything else I've affection for. I can let the city connect me with its history. The churches, towers, canals, and the prettiness of it speak a language that somehow may have picked up the sense of the real reality and given it form, in spite of the all-over brokenness on our isolated planet. Everything on earth can manifest something of transcending quality and let some of creation's full nature shine through. Anything positive can be a correspondence or correlation to pure beauty and harmony.
(I realized that this town, for me, comes through with an abundance of 'transcending' moments. I guess the great majority of today's citizens only experience some of this on the level of local sports clubs' successes and the like, if at all. Perhaps it doesn't make a difference. Life's essence as love and genuineness can inspire any activity of mind and body, collectively and individually. It can show in the products of people of the past that now endure the ages. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude that so much of this, the mystery of my home town included, has come my way. As celestial teasers, I could say now. All living is indeed a form of making love; it's getting involved and playing with others, things and forms and so creating something real that corresponds to eternity.)
I looked at the man Wisdom. He was there, but much vaguer now. I realized that his insights stimulated my coming out of my closets of non-wisdom and not caring much about the full truth. Wisdom is the truth in living form. Reality exists because You are it. For all and forever. I don't remember if I saw or talked to others there; yet I felt very satisfied.
I was in the hotel room again. You were there. I told you how thankful I was and how close to You I felt. You then said, for me out of the blue, that my ailment (diabetes) was healed. Instantly, I was all doubt again. I'm not ready to take this at face value. Did this remark really come from You? And why? I don't want to deal with with this now, but I don't for a moment believe what You said. So if next week I still am not 'healed' will that mean You lied? I know I chickened out when I told You that, for the time being, I was going to interpret it as meaning, being healed 'in principle'.
N I N E
I mentioned that yesterday You stated that my illness would heal. Was that really You saying it or was it a trick of the Negative State? After confirming that it was You, You said, "It's your wish to be healed, right? Well, that wish is fulfilled. In your longing for it is the reality. You, as you are here, are whole. You seeing Me the way you do is the ultimate to achieve for someone living on earth." While You spoke flashed in my mind an image of a vertical, round, shining, steel rod, one foot in diameter. I immediately interpreted this as being the symbol that I was in 'cold' control of this whole setting and conversation. It meant that I was in an ironclad way in the service of, and used by, the Negative State! It showed me I have the power to take all this, to take You!, as mushy compared with the un-scratchable steel I am as my earthly person. I can decide to declare all this meeting and speaking with You to be ridiculous and in that sense I can bar You from operating in my space.
My reaction to my own thinking was spontaneous. I cried that I didn't want to go that route. If it's true that the cold and steely power of the Negative State possesses me, then I still don't accept it as doom. I want that force, the evil-connected and in evil participating part of me, to see You as I do now; even if it seems 'iffy' and not provable. II feel hopelessly small. I didn't know what more to say or think, so I threw this out as my final word.
I felt better after saying it; I felt lighthearted and almost happy. I sensed that my other parts were close; were in fact within me. I saw a brownish dust- or tumbleweed ball coming my way. I wanted to get out of its way but they said that I could step in it when it was close enough. I did. I still could breathe and I smelled nothing special. It seemed to keep moving with me in it. Then the air became clear. I looked back and saw behind me a pleasant yellow glow. They said, "You will go to the city again where you were before." This happened. They asked, "How do you feel?'' I said that I felt relaxed and very much at home, like I had felt this very morning when I walked through two towns close to here I never visited before. Just walking through a city seems to give me great satisfaction. I evidently don't have to engage in a particular activity in order to feel connected. They said they would have me meet someone.
I had a sense of walking into a huge Arabian style villa. It had patios, vistas and many open spaces, several floors high, all white and almost transparent. They said, "This is our home. We have to live somewhere!" I asked, "Does everybody live this luxuriously?" Amused, they simply answered, "Of course!" Vaguely, I saw a few elegantly dressed women walking around. Then some more. I was strongly aware of the possibility of being close and intimate with them, engaging in a mutually rewarding and happy experience. I just knew that touching and uniting could be done harmoniously, by the free will of whoever wanted to be involved. Nothing complicated, in other words.
After I let that sink in, I wondered about food here. Right away, on a big plate, an arrangement of foods was brought in. It looked appetizing although I didn't recognize any of it. I was urged to taste it. I did and it set me aflame in an extremely pleasant way. They invited me to tell them how I felt. I related to them that, emotionally, I right now felt completely disconnected from my earthly self. I was with them, and that was it.
They then brought me to a room where meetings were held. Many white-robed men sat there. In a casual way they acknowledged my presence and made me feel welcome. I sensed they wouldn't put me on the spot by asking questions. Still I wondered how, eventually, I could be of service to them. They let me know that they would give me insight in how to cope with that duality of being from earth and still being able to visit these dwellings here. They mentioned as an aside, seemingly without giving it any importance, that they also lived on earth.
What transpired after that I mostly forgot. I do remember I received insight about the city I'm in, my town of birth. The place, I was given to understand, is a correspondence. It expresses, indicates, represents, symbolizes, and relates to, a particular stream of energy that got its form in what on earth we call a town. Every place on earth, and elsewhere for that matter, has that function. "You will be able at one point," I heard someone telling me, "to see the particular stream of energy, the purpose, reason and spiritual history of this city; how it became what it is, also with you in it. In a minute way, you participate in this materializing flow. You didn't create it, obviously, but your affinity to it is related to, is based on and originates in your search for the true reality. Because of your closeness and openness to the multi-dimensional aspects of what exists, your emotional and intuitive sensitivity is hyper-alert. It transcends the earthly time factor for you. You can, as it were, 'drink' the past or the future and feel fulfilled. You understand?" Weirdly enough, on some level, I did.
The wise man Wisdom was there again. Had he been speaking? He came close. He put his hand on my shoulder and we walked and talked. Then we stood still and sat down. He grasped my shoulders and I saw him looking at me. I asked him to take a close look at me while we were sitting and tell me how I looked. He did. He said that how I look fluctuates. When I am deeper and fuller into the truth, I am young, also physically and vibrant, spontaneous, full of fun, glowing.
When he mentioned my body, I became aware that it became restless. I asked him if it was time to break up for today and how I should initiate that. He answered, "You don't have to end it. Be in a journey all the time!" So I just went to the desk and wrote these notes.
T E N
Although I planned to go to a concert in a few hours, I did not want to miss the opportunity of being with You for the purpose of a possible journey. While waiting in my chair, the issue of projection was again on my mind. I keep being concerned that all this 'journeying' and all the writing I've been doing lately is expression of some, mainly hidden, desire or need in me. You, as You did before, affirmed that our human ability to project can be used for reaching, touching and actively connecting with the Real Reality. So using its techniques in a technical sense is helpful and promising. It's actually the only way for me to create a 'working' relationship with Your world. Yet the real issue is, You let me know, to check from where the desire to activate my projective potential comes and what its motivation and intention is. In other words, what do I want to achieve? If the personal choice to find You comes from an honest seeking of the truth for its own sake and from the remnants of real love for You in me, then I don't need to be concerned about which mental tools are used to communicate with You and the other realms. You added that from the Positive State's perspective all earthly humans' efforts to reach out are pathetically inadequate. The only aspect that nevertheless makes it a genuine occurrence is the purity of intention. And that, You stressed, originates on the spiritual level within us. We could say that we have to dare to enter our inner sanctuary. When we do it this provides not only access to the source of the full truth of life but also to a personal encounter with the I AM. It will let us know we are 'at home' in life.
I asked You why I didn't have this discussion with the man Wisdom. You didn't answer. I wondered if You hesitated to do so. Did my question irritate You? I'm so aware of my clumsiness in spiritual matters.
Suddenly, I was in the house I visited on yesterday's journey. I looked at the walls and columns. They impressed me as very elegant and at the same time so sturdy. You told me that nothing, even on the level of matter, was 'set in stone'. Everything that is brought into existence is done so by spiritual means. It originates in the most internal realm of life. This doesn't mean that just a thought automatically produces a structure. Every aspect is carefully considered and calculated, willed, in other words. The result of this preparation makes any product reliable, functional and appreciated. After its use nothing is 'thrown out'. Nothing crumbles either. "Like so much does in your cities," You remarked. "Changes are normal and desired; they happen in order to 'update' splendor. Readjustments take place because fresh situations arise. 'The best possible' is the motivation for a continuous process of improving, experimenting as well as intensely enjoying all the beauty. "So," You concluded with a big smile, "that keeps all that's in the universe busy!"
Again, I realized that it's only in Your presence that I really learn. I must set aside time for visiting with You if I don't want to get stuck in my own and other people's guesses. Our external life here, comfortable, familiar and normal as it may feel while we're a part of it, is indeed light years removed from the real, true, spirit-inspired and lasting state of affairs.
I notice that some experiences, like this one today, hardly can be called a 'journey'. But I'm not going to worry about it. At this stage I'm still approaching this as I did the first time. I've no idea where it leads to, how long it will go on or what to expect. I just, consciously and by free will, make myself available. I observe what happens and then write it down.
E L E V E N
I was aware of my two other sides being present while I reflected on some negative issues. One is that I remember well that in the past I often failed to be honest and direct with people, even with good friends. In general, I felt regret for my inhibitions in matters of closeness to people. I also was annoyed that I didn't control my disability better.
The two brought up our trip to the purifying waterfall some days ago. They mentioned that they themselves go through 'cleanings'. Those serve as moments for refreshing their minds and also as impulses for renewal and as a never failing source of getting re-energized. They asked me whether I wanted to go with them to You. We went.
Before You, I brought up the concerns about my failures and hang-ups. You let me know that I would be offered an opportunity to learn more about lovemaking if I wanted. I gladly accepted!
I was led to a stream and was invited to take off my clothes. The situation was not unlike the setting of an open air spa. I dived in the water and emerging from it on the other side, I found laying there for me a lightweight white bathrobe. While I put it on my other sides teased me, "Don't hide your body now! You are beautiful like everybody else here!" I saw a dark eyed woman sitting on a rock in the middle of the path I was taking. She looked sexy and I felt attracted to her. It seemed the most natural thing when we embraced. It was the way we hug on earth. Her body was typically human. Then, a man, of whom I had been vaguely aware earlier, came closer. He complimented me for being attracted to his lady friend. He told me that I was welcome to come with them and join their lovemaking. He said that You would be present too.
I felt comfortable with them but they didn't volunteer anything about how to go from there. Yet for the first time in my life it dawned upon me that there is something like perfect lovemaking. I took time to get this in focus. Then I told them and said, "I would like to experience love without any distracting thoughts, so that on all levels it is one pure and fulfilling act of uniting." Without any sign of impatience or criticism they still seemed to wait for more to come from me. I thought for a while. Then it came to me that lovemaking never occurs without a context, without an expectation or without creating something new as a mutual experience or even creating new life. It's never, to say it in a negative way, an empty gesture. They seemed to read my mind because they nodded when I thought that. I said, "Well, what I would like to come from our making love is proof that lovemaking is worthwhile even while on earth it's so short-lived and partial."
Suddenly I found myself sitting on a bench in a spacious spa, part of a luxurious 'thousand-and-one-nights' type of palace. I noticed I was an attractive woman. On the other side of the over-sized marble bathtub with shiny mosaics a handsome man was sitting on a bench. He was, like me, dressed in a silken gown. He stood up and came over to me. We embraced and walked off. Now, my observation point was behind us. I saw that both our backsides were covered by one silken white robe. I sensed that we merged in a grand, utterly pleasurable way. It was not as intercourse on earth. It lasted longer and there was no discomfort whatsoever. The word 'merger' seems most appropriate. We experienced each other as well as ourselves. At least I did.
My mind went to the contextual element of lovemaking as I had been so aware of a moment ago. And then, before us, stood a youngster, looking bright and happy. For a very short moment he seemed an infant, but then, clearly, he was an about ten-years-old child. Excitedly he looked up to us. He thanked us for having him come into being and said that he wanted to learn from us about life. We took him to a house in which there were many people. They were very enthusiastic about our lovemaking and about our now having this child.
Of course, I had millions of questions popping up about the mechanics of this. After all, on earth I'm a man. But now I was a woman; a mother! I was told the child was the result of, first, the desire to know real love and then, of wanting proof of love's completeness. The spark that made what ripened in me as thought and become a life-form came directly from You. I realized that whatever the mechanics were, the process of birthing and what goes on before had been without any pain or discomfort; it was nothing compared with what giving birth is on earth. The silken robe I had seen on myself and my partner hid from my eyes the 'delivery'. I was told this was because I couldn't have grasped a thing of it with my earthly brains and, therefore, it would have become a disturbing factor in this beautiful event.
After this, I got some glimpses of what I would call futuristic, ultra-modern computer-type equipment that would be used for the education of the child. But my attention was also directed to my own head in which all the necessary systems were located for direct, clear, 'telepathic' communication, albeit grossly disturbed. It now is so clear to me that real lovemaking, merging and truly uniting is more than superior compared with the extremely fragmented way we as humans know this, and that creating something new is the most natural as well as most awesomely empowering involvement in the flow of life.
The visit ended with the three of us, joined by many others, being embraced by You. All of us moved together as in an extremely gracious slow dance.
Then, I was in the chair again, alone with You. Although still filled with the beauty of what I just went through, and sort of out of breath, I mentioned the three concerns I had expressed earlier in regard to my behavior here. I said I would make them into issues to work on. Hopefully I can improve somewhat. I also realized that the whole scene that lasted seemingly only less than an hour according to mu watch, had had a timelessness to it. Wow!
T W E L V E
I had a question on my mind about the way I relate to people. Especially in regard to doing this writing and gaining so much insight while I am only minimally involved in imparting with any of it. With friends, family and in my work I act and socialize like before. It vaguely concerns me that I see no 'market' on the horizon for sharing the great things I experience.
I felt relaxed, though. No images came. So, in a free-floating way I let thoughts come. I realized that the part in me that has been structured and conditioned to do so will use any excuse, opportunity, rationalization and what have you, to keep me away from getting closer to You. I'm so relieved and grateful that I know what to do in case the negative presences in me act up. I learned that telling them to back off is effective.
I saw before me a wide plain. Was the surface ice or sand? Looking down, I noticed it was sand. I started walking. I passed some dry bushes and some heaps of rusting steel. At one point, I noticed that I wasn't walking anymore but that I was flying, horizontally, slowly, comfortably. By stretching out my arms I could steer myself. I stayed about six feet above the ground. I crossed the plane. At the end of it were low hills. Crossing those, I saw that on the other side, higher up, were meadows and green mountain areas as I saw in Ecuador and Peru. Further down were ice-capped mountain ranges. I kept flying in their direction and eventually I flew over them. I went through clouds and light fog. Coming out of that, a huge beach spread out in front of me, ending in the water of what looked like an ocean.
While I was flying I had tried to figure out where my energy to do so came from. I observed that I didn't have to put out any effort. I just moved very comfortably. I landed in the water where it was about half a foot deep. At first I didn't see anything but water. But then, gradually, everything around me began to take shape. It looked as a city of glass. I saw towers, roads, villas. Many people were strolling around. I remembered my thought a while ago about how I fit in with other people, especially in regard of what I have to offer. Did I feel comfortable here? Yes, I did. But at the same time, I clearly was an outsider. A friendly looking man came up to me and offered to bring me to a place where I could learn about myself. I wondered about my wet feet and told him so. He said to look at my feet. I did, and saw that they were like glass. Where they touched the crystal floor the sensation was different than when walking on earth, yet not unpleasant at all. When we passed an entrance with shining pillars of clear glass on each side, I touched one of them. My companion remarked that their color could change according to the use they served. They could become opaque, for instance, if a desire for privacy would arise.
He brought me to a sort of hall with many people, men and women. They were clothed in robe-like dresses of very light, almost transparent material. I didn't take in any details. Several persons chatted with us. They said to me, "We know you just came from earth." But they didn't ask me questions about it and I didn't ask anything either. With some of them we got involved in making love. It happened by a merging that is very different from just physically connecting. While engaging in it, our space, including our bodies and minds, became one for a moment. It felt as a prolonged ride on the wave of a climax, immensely fulfilling.
I told my companion about the questions on my mind. He responded with, "Come, I'll bring you to your friend Wisdom, the one you saw before." We went outside and there he was. I had the impression that he just materialized. My companion sort of retreated to the background. I reminded Wisdom that as far as I understood it, he would teach me and answer questions relating to my still being on earth. He did talk but it sounded all very vague and I couldn't keep my mind on it. I told him that what I heard him say sounded the way 'new age' people on earth talk or write. He laughed and said, "First of all, don't forget that you come from problems, from crises, from complications. Any part of you, as such, has that nature. For us here that's not so. Here is the Real Reality. The answers to your questions therefore, in order to have them make sense to you, I have to make them fit into your frame of reference. I am not limited in my understanding as you are. That's one reason why I can easily talk over your head. Please, keep reminding yourself that my answers come from the truth. And full truth is lost in your world and in your head. Much, therefore, of what you consider to be not concrete and helpful comes across that way because your very situation is a lie: your brain functions are meant to confuse and to keep you away from the real facts. It's the way you are fabricated."
It was perfectly clear to me what he meant. I can't say it was helpful. I remain this earthly human being whether I like it or not. "Now," he continued, "secondly, where you come in as an active participant is there where you willingly let go of your familiar boundaries; when you take your observations here seriously and when you let the past be the past; which, by the way, is the essence of what you call 'forgiving'. So don't worry about not understanding. Insight happens when with trust you rely on what you see here, on what you hear from me and others and above all on what you experience when meeting with the I AM personally. These 'activities' will help you to get transformed in your thinking and attitudes as much as is possible while being in your earthly body. Every time you make this choice it puts you firmly in the right direction." At this point I asked him for more information in regard to my writing things down. Basically, I wanted to know what good it does, or will do. He responded with saying that it was the third thing he wanted to mention. "You're only responsible for what you do. Don't aim at having effect, or seeing results." I asked, "Isn't there more to this?" He laughed, "Much, much, more!" I said, "For now, can you tell me one more thing?" He did. "Remember that you're unique. Don't compare yourself with anybody else, let alone copy someone. Don't bend in anybody's direction. That way, you reflect the Most High, by daring to be the special person you are. Of course, that rule applies to everything and everybody."
He said it all in such a friendly way. I asked if making love to or with him would be appropriate, in view of the fact that he was my teacher. He spread out his arms for me and I embraced him. Again, there was a timeless moment in which I experienced something as a complete, total orgasm in my whole body and in all of my mind. Afterwards, without me having any of the negative 'after' feelings that often accompany human lovemaking, he explained that I couldn't yet grasp the actual coupling we did since I'm only wired to be aware of the workings of the mutilate human sex organs and behaviors. He added that, at least, I now have some sense of what the open-ended scope of making love is.
He offered to walk with me to see me off. I was in the water again. Almost automatically I started flying again. It felt completely natural. However, after only a few feet, I flew through some kind of dimension barrier and left the other world behind.
T H I R T E E N
(Although this journey occurred several years earlier than the one I described in Writing 4 ( in the chapter 'children'), there is such a remarkable similarity to the two visits that I think I can safely delete it here.)
F O U R T E E N
After sitting down, I immediately found myself in a sandy area. I started undressing. For some reason or another I stamped the ground with my feet, lifting up my knees high. Some low bushes were around. I spent quite some time there. At one point I looked behind me and saw that an ocean was there. The sandy place was a beach. I noticed that the stack of my clothes was gone. I began to walk to the row of dunes in front of me. While doing that I became aware that above them, looking transparent, were enormous structures of beautiful buildings, layer upon layer, tremendously high and wide and deep. There were arches, sky-ways and balconies. I looked behind me. Also there, over the ocean, all space was filed with glittering, bright shining, 'celestial' (whatever that means) buildings. I walked towards them and entered one of the broad walkways. I did feel awkward, being in the nude. As at other times, many people were walking there. As far as I could see all in groups or pairs and talking to each other. One couple noticed me. "You look lost!," the man said friendly. "Don't worry. We know you just came from earth." "How do you know?" I asked. He answered, "We see many dark spots in you. But we also see that you're communicating with our world. Come, go with us!" I looked at my feet. Again, they were transparent and they pleasantly connected with the marble floor. He said, "Let my wife comfort you." She was a beautiful woman. She put her arm around me. She was naked too. "We know that you see us in earthly forms," she said, "our real bodies you can't grasp yet. But enjoy our love as much as you can."
I told her about the experience I'd had that morning that someone came on to me. Excitedly she exclaimed, "See, that's it! All is meant to react out of love, to be available, to become shared beauty. Having it happen on earth is most times a downer because for hundreds of reasons it cannot be fully 'consummated'. So it causes pain in you and dissatisfaction. Here, desire never disappoints. You've been writing it yourself, haven't you, that in 'heaven' relating to each other starts with what on earth is the highest achievable pitch of fulfilled desire?" (I have long ceased to be surprised that the ones I meet are able to read my mind and history.) She added, "Making love is the source from which all else flows. Here we are!"
They moved a sort of curtain out of the way and we entered a light and spacious patio. Wherever I looked, it radiated comfortableness, warmth and beauty. The man said, "You two engage while I prepare some food." We did. As with the others before, it seemed a timeless moment with great waves of satisfaction flooding me; the oneness with the other filled whatever I could contain. When the man came in, his joy and warmth engulfed us both. He explained to me, "Yes, we are 'married'. We both want to be a couple. Our love is so deep that we enjoy sharing it with others. We never feel excluded because we aren't. Nothing is secretive like on earth. Here, taste!" He must know I couldn't really do that because I don't have the taste buds for whatever their food is. But I did put some of what he offered in my mouth. It, again, filled me with a glow. He observed me and teased, "Now you've a taste of the fullness of sex, of food and of company! When you go back you will be longing for this and it could make you critical of what life there has to offer. Yet it also enables you to better recognize the tiny authentic and pure elements in the way human beings and nature connect. You'll have to struggle through the gross imperfections you're still exposed to. But the 'not yet' aspect of your situation may thrill you, too. And, of course, you now know the way to here."
I asked him what work he did. He answered that he was a teacher. I asked her. She said that her name was Sara, Sarai, and that she worked on the construction of buildings. She had me take a close look at one of the many columns in the house and showed me segments that were of what I would call glass. "We make those," she said, "not with tools like on earth. When we have approved on a design we can with our mind ask certain pieces of matter to become the form and shape we desire." When she pointed at a beautiful round tile, I wondered where the ingredients for it came from, so I asked, "Where did you find material for this? You have to go far?" She smiled, "When you arrived, you were standing on sand, didn't you? That wasn't far from here, was it? The secret is that we don't deal with distances like you know them or with something that has to be overcome. All we need is right here, although in another dimension, in another layer of reality, however you want to call it. We enter that realm when we want to and then have the material for use and functioning here."
I asked for his name. "Efraim," he said. Suspicion in me rose instantly! Why again a biblical name? He reacted with, "It's another thing you don't grasp. For us, names are not a sequence of letters with a certain sound, meant to distinguish one thing or person from another. Consider names to be the coordinates of our position, defining where we are in space as well as in each moment of manifestation." This goes over my head.
I felt ready to go home and told them so. They brought me to the beach. I first thought that I would go back the same way as I came. But then the realization hit me that perhaps there is no repeat of anything; that sameness doesn't exist but that it is an earthly illusion. I walked into the water after they had waved me farewell. Everything started to look grayish. Looking at myself I saw I was still naked and very human. My mood was upbeat and with pleasure I plunged in the water and swam. It was a long, long swim but it felt so good. I didn't feel tired at all. The air was foggy. Finally, I reached a wall as in a swimming pool. I climbed out of the water. A friendly elderly lady pointed at a dressing room. "Room 21. Your clothes are in there," she said. They were. I dressed and walked back to my hotel where I was sitting in the chair."
F I F T E E N
Los Angeles, 11/13/1996
Sitting down in my chair at home after my vacation, I immediately felt Your presence. I wanted to re-establish the fact that I do want to love You with all my heart and mind and actions as an absolute priority. You reminded me that every step I do in that direction will be challenged. Any moment the possibility is there of losing sight of You and thus losing contact with the Real Reality. I know how true that is.
You then asked me to come to You. In my mind, I did. You asked, "What do you see?" I saw that everything around me was of glass or crystal. Vertical lines were in it. It had a blue and green shine to it. I was invited to walk into it. I did and was now closed in by it. "Can you move?", You asked. Yes, I could. Easily. I could breathe, gesture with my hands, walk. I reported that when I pictured myself from a distance, it was very scary, as if I was encased in a coffin of glass. But that actually being in it seemed OK. You said to look at myself. I saw that my body also looked as if it was of glass, like the whole environment I was in. Still, I could distinguish myself. "Take a closer look at your body," You invited me. When I did that I had a strong feeling that this looking was like a cleansing act. Slowly checking from my feet up, I saw that everything was transparent. But, again, I very clearly was separate and different than my surrounding; like glass and air are different, though both are transparent. Even my inside, when I focused on it, my intestines, heart, bones and brains, were of a clear, see-through material. I looked around. Behind me all was like glass. Before me was the darkness of a deep, deep blue color. I walked in that direction. I had images of a coast line, a beach I know, with sand and a series of open caves. I walked into one. It was dark, but I could see the walls clearly. I wondered about that contradiction, dark and light at the same time. One of the walls became like a door. Going through the opening, I entered a huge, crystal palace type of hall. Wide, royal steps spread out in front of me. All was glass. And all seemed to make music. I looked around if I could see You in some particular form. But You said, "I am in all of this. Also in what you call the material part. You heard how it 'sings' because of that."
I remained transparent. You asked, "What about your dress?" It confused me. I'm sure I was dressed but I couldn't see it. You laughed. "Others will see you in colors and outfits on their level. The same way you will see others clothed," You explained. I had the impression that dancing was going on. I think You came with me when I descended the stairs. I was conscious of the choice I had, to go either to the right or to the left. I sensed that You wanted to go to the right. You stopped and reminded me that I had to make my own choices. I realized that I wouldn't mind going to the left but without any more thinking about it I walked to the right. In the hall there, indeed, pairs were dancing. But their facial expressions and overall looks were like that of wooden toy soldiers, stiff. Their dominant colors were a deep blue and green. The dancers didn't pay any attention to me standing there. I didn't feel comfortable. After watching the scene for a while I wanted to get out of there. You suggested that I could just step back and return to from where I came.
I left the palace type of place and faced the ocean. The hue was light blue. I walked to the water and noticed that I could walk on it. You were still with me but said that You were going to leave me alone now. You added that I could go wherever I wanted. Suddenly, I felt that I rose up high into the air. I was flying again and realized I indeed could go to any place on our planet. I thought about which places to visit: Bangkok, Sri Lanka, Lombok, Tasmania, places I've seen. I flew over those places, taking in how they looked as if I was staying and walking in them. Then, I sailed over Japan, parts of Russia, the poles and Peru.
Without warning, the 'sightseeing' ended and I was back in my chair. You were there. You let me know that the woodenness and dark colors I experienced in the ballroom had to do with me not having been honest in my choosing. "Only in complete freedom is the fullness of light and lightness," You said.
I reflected on this. Today was the first 'journey' after my return from vacation. But yesterday I had taken my place in the chair, waiting for a 'trip' that didn't happen. I was sleepy then and gave up after a while. My mind kept being side-tracked. I now connect that 'incident' - it never happened before - with what You just said, that it all has to come from my personal decision making. My participation in this, on whatever level it takes place, has to come from my free choice. I must dare to make myself available. It has to be my desire to open up to the Real Reality to which I only contribute in a positive way when I make my own decisions. No leaning on others is necessary, not even on You!
S I X T E E N
Los Angeles, 11/14/1996
Sitting in my chair, I was thinking about other people who may have similar experiences as I do; who also go through these kinds of spiritual 'journeys'. It so happened that a client today told about her moments of psychic insights. You asked me whether I was surprised about that and let me know that, of course, each person has access to Your reality if they want. You questioned me with, "You think it takes away from your being special, having this closeness to Me, while others may even be more involved in it?" Thinking about this I don't believe that's so. Naturally, these experiences are very special to me but my happiness of seeing the truth of everything as relating to You is too powerful to cause serious comparisons with, or even curiosity about, other people's spiritual paths. It doesn't seem to invalidate the uniqueness of my 'journeys' when I realize that other people had or have theirs.
I heard You say that these journeys were coming to an end. I commented that I didn't keep track of how many I made already. I took notes right after they happened but I never read those. The number of trips would be about fifteen, I guessed.
You reminded me of how comforting it feels when I come to You. You asked, "What would happen if I just stayed where I was?" I was puzzled, not knowing what that meant. Then, not really planning it, I saw myself standing up. In a whisk, I felt myself going straight up in the air, leaving my body behind. I saw it getting smaller and smaller while I moved fast upwards. But also I myself, my non-physical, observing part felt as becoming smaller and smaller while ascending. To the point that I seemed reduced to nothing. Except that I still had the ability to be aware of myself. I thought of the Buddhist concept of 'nothingness'. However, I was aware of the void.
For quite some time, I stayed in this state. No movement, no nothing. "Where am I?", I heard Your voice ask. I experienced You all around, everywhere, without images or particular thoughts. Except that vaguely the word 'tohu wabohu', the void of the biblical Genesis story, echoed somewhere. Then, I saw chunks of what looked like rocks coming floating in from the left. They moved silently to the right. From closer up I could see they were mummified corpses. One was my body, all wrapped up. I stayed with my attention with it for a while, realizing that nothing really mattered of what that body represented.
You asked me what I would like to do now. Did I want to go back? Did I want to stay like this? After thinking about it I simply answered that I would like to move on, whatever that would entail. Suddenly, in a rolling movement, all the emptiness around me changed into bright shining, white and yellow colored masses of happy, chatting and moving entities. I was in the midst of them. 'Is this how I am when truly united with my two heavenly parts?', I thought. I wanted to tell the people that I was from earth but when I did I perceived something as a frown coming from them. One of them said, "We don't deal with that here anymore. Here is only harmony.
I didn't know what to do. I felt very sleepy, heavy, and sensed I was drifting out of this scene. Observing that, I realized it must be caused by some resistance in me or by negative entities moving in on me. As always when I think that the latter is happening, I invited them to consider joining me here or to prepare themselves for changing. It cleared my mind some. Then I considered the possibility that perhaps this was my last journey: that there would be no end to this one. Or, I thought, maybe this one doesn't end now, today, but will continue tomorrow. I left it at that, and when I was back in the chair I had the sense that indeed, the journey was not over.
S I X T E E N (continued )
It was the first time that I had some idea of what could happen in the situation of sitting and waiting for a 'journey'. In the chair opposite of me, I 'saw' the fullness of Your seven faces.
"You could go to where you left off yesterday," You suggested. I did and immediately I saw again the masses of moving white and yellow creatures. Actually, I didn't watch them, since I was in the midst of them. Now I noticed that their color was not yellow but that they all had a golden shine. I was invited to look at myself. I, too, was shining all over. Still, while looking at the others I felt pressure inside as if an image, a certain way of approaching this scene, wanted to come through, wanted to come into my awareness. When I paid attention to this need, the heads of the entities around me suddenly seemed bloated and then started to look like skulls. I instantly realized this was a distortion. And I knew where the disturbance came from. I recognized it as a desperate last effort of entities of the Negative State trying to confuse me. I firmly told them to cut it out. Indeed, the scene became normal again.
I turned to people around me and asked if they could shed some light on this. I explained that, coming from earth, I wanted to learn how to fit in and how to properly fill my time. In a friendly way they let me know that nobody was in a hurry or felt that they had to do things. Let alone that they would have expectations of me. Some put their arms around my shoulders. Others joined us. And that's the way it stayed. You told me that no more journeys would come now. "This," You said, "is your reality. No use trying to understand more. Why trying to grasp what you can't? You now are able to experience a slice of goodness and harmony."
I asked about what to do in the meantime while I'm still living on earth, which evidently I do. I tried to answer that question myself with a statement. I told You, "I want to be honest and loving. I like to live openly with what I experience with and from You." The thought of the rich young man asking Jesus what to do, flashed through my mind. I have been exposed to religious and other types of wisdom's. I'm rich in those. Yet I want to leave those behind and live with this what I personally learn and have learned in Your presence.
I asked, "Following up on all this, does it mean I should give priority to finalizing writing down what I experienced?" You said that this, too, is completely up to me.
ONE - TWO - THREE - FOUR - FIVE - SIX - SEVEN - EIGHT
NINE - TEN - ELEVEN - TWELVE - THIRTEEN - FOURTEEN - FIFTEEN - SIXTEEN