F I F T E E N Writing 11
Los Angeles, 11/13/1996
Sitting down in my chair at home, after my vacation, I immediately felt Your presence. I wanted to re-establish the fact that I do want to love You with all my heart and mind and actions as an absolute priority. You reminded me that every step I do in that direction will be challenged. Any moment, the possibility is there of losing sight of You and thus losing contact with the Real Reality. I know how true that is.
You then asked me to come to You. In my mind, I did. You asked, "What do you see?" I saw that everything around me was of glass or crystal. Vertical lines were in it. It had a blue and green shine to it. I was invited to walk into it. I did, and was now closed in by it. "Can you move?", You asked. Yes, I could. Easily. I could breathe, gesture with my hands, walk. I reported that when I pictured myself from a distance, it was very scary, as if I was encased in a coffin of glass. But that actually being in it seemed OK. You said to look at myself. I saw that my body also looked as if it was of glass, like the whole environment I was in. Still, I could distinguish myself. "Take a closer look at your body," You invited me. When I did that I had a strong feeling that this looking was like a cleansing act. Slowly checking from my feet up, I saw that everything was transparent. But, again, I very clearly was separate, different, than my surrounding; like glass and air are different, though both are transparent. Even my inside, when I focused on it, my intestines, heart, bones and brains, were of a clear, see-through material. I looked around. Behind me all was like glass. Before me was the darkness of a deep, deep blue color. I walked in that direction. I had images of a coast line, a beach I know, with sand and a series of open caves. I walked into one. It was dark, but I could see the walls clearly. I wondered about that contradiction, dark and light at the same time. One of the walls became like a door. Going through the opening, I entered a huge, crystal palace type of hall. Wide, royal steps spread out in front of me. All was glass. And all seemed to make music. I looked around if I could see You in some particular form. But You said, "I am in all of this. Also in what you call the material part. You heard how it 'sings' because of that."
I remained transparent. You asked, "What about your dress?" It confused me. I'm sure I was dressed, but I couldn't see it. You laughed. "Others will see you in colors and outfits on their level. The same way you will see others clothed," You explained. I had the impression that dancing was going on. I think You came with me when I descended the stairs. I was conscious of the choice I had, to go either to the right or to the left. I sensed that You wanted to go to the right. You stopped, and reminded me that I had to make my own choices. I realized that I wouldn't mind going to the left but without any more thinking about it, I walked to the right. In the hall there, indeed, pairs were dancing. But their facial expressions and overall looks were like that of wooden toy soldiers, stiff. Their dominant colors were a deep blue and green. The dancers didn't pay any attention to me standing there. I didn't feel comfortable. After watching the scene for a while, I wanted to get out of there. You suggested that I could just step back and return to from where I came.
I left the palace type of place and faced the ocean. The hue was light blue. I walked to the water and noticed that I could walk on it. You were still with me but said that You were going to leave me alone now. You added that I could go wherever I wanted. Suddenly, I felt that I rose up high into the air. I was flying again and realized I indeed could go to any place on our planet. I thought about which places to visit: Bangkok, Sri Lanka, Lombok, Tasmania. I then flew over those places, taking in how they looked as if I was staying and walking in them. Then I sailed over Japan, parts of Russia, the poles and Peru.
Without warning, the 'sightseeing' ended and I was back in my chair. You were there. You let me know that the woodenness and dark colors I experienced in the ballroom had to do with me not having been honest in my choosing. "Only in complete freedom is the fullness of light and lightness," You said.
I reflected on this. Today was the first 'journey' after my return from vacation. But yesterday I had taken my place in the chair, waiting for a 'trip' that didn't happen. I was sleepy then and gave up after a while. My mind kept being side-tracked. I now connect that 'incident, - it never happened before - with what You just said, that it all has to come from my personal decision making. My participation in this, on whatever level it takes place, has to come from my free choice. I must dare to make myself available. It has to be my desire to open up to the Real Reality to which I only contribute in a positive way when I make my own decisions. No leaning on others is necessary, not even on You!