Part 1



VISITS INTO THE REAL REALITY Writing 4

9. IDENTITY

Before my walk, I addressed a personal concern. Do I operate with a double standard? On one hand I keep my job in a religious setting that I respect for its positive features, while on the other hand I am spiritually far removed from the pretenses of organized religions.)

I was in the other world. I AM was with me. Or rather I was aware of Her/His presence and willingness to communicate. Vaguely, I saw Achmed. It seemed that he pushed someone in my direction, clearly with the intention that I pay attention to this person whom I had not met before. I felt a strong resistance to this. I knew why. It was because I was almost sure I knew who that person was. He was a look-alike of Jesus, as portrayed by Christianity over the ages, with beard, long hair, noble, self-assured, somewhat feminine, with a smile and hands ready to bless. I physically cringed. I don't care for that portrait, especially not here.

"But this is how you automatically see him in your mind when Jesus is mentioned, isn't it?" I AM asked.

"Yes," I said, "but it is a misleading picture, hard to shake since there is no photograph of him to correct it. I just don't believe that many stories about him are true and that he actually existed as the sweet and noble personality the standard portrayal suggests."

I was really upset and resisted looking at him. I could not imagine that this was going to be a real encounter as with the other people here. I wanted out.

He was rather close to me now and said in a friendly tone, "Do not avoid me, son."

That did it. That word, son, blew a fuse in me. I felt nauseated. Needless to say, my anxiety level went through the roof. This was the undeniable proof that all this was one big hoax. One big idiotic fabrication of my mind.

I don't know anymore what I said, but I very angrily protested. Everything suddenly felt phony, staged.

Yet Achmed and I AM did not look perturbed at all and seemed to wait for me to calm down. I started to feel numb.

I AM said that I could, but did not have to, withdraw from this; that I could take my time to let this situation develop.

The whole scene became frozen: I, I AM's presence, Achmed in the background and the Jesus figure just standing there in front of me. Controlling my aversion, I decided to, indeed, not run from it yet, or draw conclusions right away. Maybe this could result into some learning later. My panic reaction may be an overreaction.

The Jesus figure spoke and reminded me that I saw him as a human. Like I did Achmed and Wisdom. This was, he said, to accommodate me so I could get a meaningful understanding of reality; one I needed if I was going to talk or write about it back on earth.

I protested again, "But you look exactly as the caricature Christianity created!"

He came back with, "Didn't you recently think of the Buddha looking precisely as the statues people made of him?"

I said, "No! I felt as a Buddha. I did not see his image as I do yours now."

"You are right," he said, "but you saw and felt yourself as golden and utterly serene, which is a state traditionally associated with the Buddha."

For a while, nothing was said or done. I still resisted the situation but kept my mouth and, as much as I could, my thoughts shut. I felt encouragement coming from I AM. Achmed looked at us with anticipation.

After a while, the Jesus person came over to where I stood and hugged me. It was more than that. He kissed me lightly on my cheeks, my mouth, my hands, in a way that showed he really wanted to touch me. For a while he held on to me. It felt good but it did not take away my reservations. I did not really respond to his embrace.

He then stepped away from me and, again, nothing seemed to move. The thought of one of reality's elements, 'progression', popped up in my mind and that helped me to not force myself to have an opinion about all this but to just let it happen, as life is always on the move.

Finally J.C. - I call him that because I guessed he could be the 'real' one, if there is one! - said, "Why don't we trade places?"

Almost instantly that happened. But it happened much too fast for me. I didn't follow the moves. I asked if we could go back and do it again, only much slower, like in a slow motion film, so I would know what was going on.

He agreed.

It was only after he had taken some steps in my direction that I realized I was moving, too: in his direction. I knew that while we changed places that fast a moment ago, we brushed against each other. When now we passed, we definitely touched, but I do not know where. Somehow it seemed that he just might have walked through me. When I stood at the spot he had left, I had a hard time turning around and facing him. I tried a few times but just couldn't. It was as if something in me refused to let me. Yet I knew I had to face him. And I knew what the reason for the resistance was!

Finally, I did turn around.

"Whom do you see?" he asked.

I was right. Intuitively, I had been afraid that I would see the one who now indeed I faced. It was me, myself - as JC. I understood that this move of changing places signaled changing roles, changing personalities with JC.

This was to me an utterly ridiculous proposition for literally every reason in the universe. I could hardly think straight. Yet I felt a strong encouragement around me to stay with it and to accept for now this role- and place reversal.

It took much effort to let it sink in that the space of my normal self was taken up by JC, at his request. For him, it seemed a natural thing to become me. He stood there, in my body, completely relaxed, radiating friendliness. And here I stood, fully in touch with my normal earthly self, age-wise, body-wise, yet filling his place.

"How do you think you look?" he asked.

I felt totally embarrassed. I dreaded to even have the thought that very well I might look as he did a moment ago on this spot. I said so.

"But it is true," he said. "You look like me. You are like me."

I shouted, "But I am not you!" While I said it, some verses of the JC of the Bible echoed in my mind: 'You will be like Me, do greater things than Me', and 'I am the son of men'.

Here, I AM interrupted.

"Do you realize that the expression 'son of men' applies to you, too? Even if the stories you know about Jesus would be only stories, and even if how you see him here is not more than a compilation of what is believed about him, you are like him because I am him and I live through you."

I was not able to grasp this. (Apart from perhaps grandeur fantasies during my childhood, I consider myself to be down to earth, average, skeptical about my own capabilities and performance; normal, I guess; even if I am surprised about how rich my life has become lately.)

Achmed said, "You can be more assertive now. Here, I mean. You can do more than just observing what we do and how we live. You can also bless us."

That had me jump! I yelled, "I can't do that!"

It was not with spoken words, I think, but both I AM and Achmed subtly reminded me of what I have been doing already professionally when I extend positive thoughts and encouragement to people, also when I pray with them.

I had to admit that, but the idea that I would have powers or a position even remotely similar to JC was utterly alien to me. I didn't for a moment want to entertain the thought. However, I was aware that dismissing the thought was most likely based on fear of failing in this identity. It would also amount to making a fool of myself. And of the people here! If I am special, what if I do not live up to it?

"But you are special!", JC said.

He now didn't look like me anymore. And to my relief, his appearance was much less 'pious'.

I thought of my 'alter ego' here and asked, "If I become a stronger person, does it mean they grow closer to me?

The answer was, "Basically, yes! You still live on earth, but the identity you just took on has everything to do with the essence of all personalities here. Do you remember you were told that your being able to visit this Real Reality could change drastically not just your outlook, but your way of being a person? You then said you were ready and willing to experience that."

I said that I still would want that.

Everything then became vague and started to fade away.