F I V E Writing 11

La Paz, 09/29/1996

While I waited in my chair for what was to come, You presented me with the question why I do this, waiting for and expecting a trip like the previous ones. Friendly, You reminded me that I better be sure that I want it, because it doesn't have to happen. Specifically, You wanted me to check myself whether my main motivation is gathering material for further writing with the possibility of having it published. I did some soul-searching and told you that the thought of that regularly crosses my mind but that I dismiss it as not being the reason why I want this to continue. Anything about this is an adventure for me. I take it in, will write it down, may give it to some people to read, but that is it. I have no interests beyond that. Then, You told me You were going to show me another side of the full reality, a beautiful part. You promised that I would hear a new sound.

At a distance, I saw a white horse. It stood on its hind legs and moved around nervously. When I came closer, I saw it actually was more grayish. You asked me to take note of the gray color and also of the sky. I saw that the sky was gray also. I wondered whether anybody was holding the horse. But that evidently was not the case. I approached it carefully and managed to climb on its back and once seated, I felt safe. The horse moved slowly. I held on to its manes and felt their coarseness. We moved as in slow motion in an undulating rhythm, at a lazy pace. It was a comfortable ride. We must have lifted off, because I could see nothing under us. I became aware of other horses around us, lined up and moving in the same direction as we did. They had no riders. The distance between us stayed the same; we didn't get closer. For a long time we traveled this way. The likeness to railroad tracks struck me. They seem to get together at the horizon, but they don't.

Then suddenly, in the center of all the movement, in front of us, stood a beautiful white horse. You were seated on it. For some reason or another I could not take a close look. Well, one reason may have been that the white horse transformed before my eyes into what I took was a glorious throne. Bright light was radiating from it in all directions. I got off my horse. I saw I was among millions of people. They were shorter than me. I was shorter than normal. I noticed that my dress was sort of medieval, two layers of thin leather robes. I felt very much at ease. The atmosphere was relaxed.

When I saw close by a woman with beautiful soft shining long hair, I wanted to touch it. I took a strain of it in my hand and kissed it. She turned her head and the expression on her face held an invitation to embrace her. I heard Your voice, saying, "Yes, this is a part of making love." A man came up to me, clearly with the intention to join us on the walk. I told him, "I'm from earth, this is new to me." He laughed. "We all are! Come, we have a long walk ahead of us."

We leisurely walked, till finally we arrived at a plateau, the edge of it hanging over a valley. The valley spread out as far as I could see. There were many small overhangs. Each had about ten to twelve people on it. In the group we were heading to, one person was standing with his back to us. When we joined them, he turned around. I felt a shock, because he looked as the Jesus as traditionally pictured in my culture. "I am!", he said. "Realize that in the spirit realm I am everywhere. This is real life. Come, join the group!" He proceeded to introduce me to my two other parts that were there also. But the images of this scene sort of sputtered. I managed to say that I was promised new sounds. While I did that, I wondered whether it was my imagination or did I really hear bells, followed by soothing sounds of waves? I became very suspicious. Somehow, the sounds seemed artificial, or better, they seemed too 'normal', too earth-like. They probably were fabricated by part of my mind, I concluded. I felt terribly frustrated. Tears came up. 'I won't ever be able to understand all this. I just don't know how to stay focused,' I told myself. 'I'm not the right person to experience these esoteric things.' I didn't try anymore to listen. I realized that the only fact I truly knew and was sure of right now, was that I found myself in the center of a familiar problem: my lack of a sharp, analytical mind. (The fear that my communication with You would prove to be fake or a joke has been with me from day one that I started to meet with You personally.)

I cried for a while out of pure frustration. Nothing seemed to make sense or was being resolved. Part of me considered going back, stepping off this inner world stage and forgetting about the whole thing. I felt defeated. I tried to sweeten the ordeal by saying that I could always come back another time. So I turned around to leave. Then, there was this voice. As a wave it came from all directions. It filled all the space around as well as every corner in me. Slowly, the sound ascended, increasing to a very high pitch. Counter voices came in, picking up a melody. Other segments lowered their input. The modulations kept changing on all levels. I never heard anything like it. It was completely other-dimensional, not originating in or fitting in our sound scales here. The voices also came with the sensation of fluctuating lights. It was so awesome that I felt as in trance. All of me was transfixed.

I don't know how long it lasted. I realized at one point that I was on my journey back. The wind blew pleasantly around my head. I traveled fast. The scenery was serene and peaceful. The echo of the sounds I just heard still filled my mind. When I arrived, I saw You sitting in the chair, nodding. And grinning!