O N E Writing 11
Los Angeles, 09/20/96
Absolutely at a loss about what to expect, I sat in my chair, facing Your presence. The day before, I had answered with 'yes', Your out-of-the-blue question whether I would like to go on a journey. I guessed it would be one on my spiritual level, not a physical one, but I wasn't sure. This occurred at the time I was finishing Wriitng 3, The Seven Names. I was wondering what I would be writing next, if anything at all. I had nothing in mind.
I felt Your closeness. This is what happened. I became aware of my two other selves. (See Writing 5). Especially the female part was distinctly there. She looked a petite brunette, alive and sharp. "Don't forget that you are also us!" they reminded me. I tried to do that. Not just intellectually but also emotionally, I don't grasp their presence at all; I can't place it.
After a while, in front of me, a white horse appeared; close, only a few steps away. I walked up to it; its face almost touched mine. I didn't feel too comfortable, but went to its side and jumped on its bare back. (Once a while, on a ranch, I've done horseback riding.) Immediately, the horse took off, first galloping, then flying. I said to myself, 'This is ridiculous. I don't appreciate Peter Pan stuff!' But my alter ego, evidently still with me, said, "Don't knock down that story. It points at a deep truth." I was extremely skeptical. Their voices insisted, however, that I had the option to indulge in this experience or end it. Reluctantly, I chose the first.
The ride ended when the horse stopped in a, what I can only call, grand setting. Yet I don't remember any details, except that everything in the huge space I was in seemed to be in front of You. You filled the whole range of my vision while at the same time the center remained of human proportions. All was light and exuded power. I slid from the horse and kneeled. You smiled and said, "See, now they are gone!" (I guessed You were talking about my two other sides.)"Here, before Me, you are one," You said. It took time to let that sink in. I tried to figure out how this affected me. I suspected this was part of the real reality as that came up so often in our communication: no separations or distances. I was able to think some about it but it still didn't register emotionally.
I was not really at ease. It felt as if I was being watched from both sides. Looking left and right, I saw glistening eyes in the half dark there. It seemed as if we were on a brightly lighted stage while a critical, or even hostile, audience followed everything I did or said. "No," You said, "You're not imagining things. That darkness out there is a part of your world. You're not ready yet to be with Me fully or without disturbances." Friendly, You explained that those entities I saw there, were my 'shadows', 'demons', 'evil spirits' or whatever I wanted to call them. They represent the Negative State in my life. I started to talk to them. (It's what I do lately when I sense the presence of negative influences. I don't argue with them but simply and firmly invite them to join me in going to the light and getting close to our common source. With so many words, I invite them to convert to the real reality, which I am so incredibly fortunate to be in touch with now, in such a direct way.) I didn't notice any reaction coming from them.
Then You said, "Look at what is behind you." I actually turned my head. Behind me, I saw a giant figure, an overpowering volume of body mass, dressed in a sort of samurai outfit, huge. Seeing him towering over me took away my breath and fear jumped up in me. But right away I addressed him and surprised myself by asking if he was 'Strong'. ('Strong' is the name of an entity that proved to be an 'imposter' during the time years ago, when I learned to get in touch with my 'spiritual advisors' as I called them then. I had forgotten all about this, but his name popped up in my mind.) More than I saw it, I felt You nodding. I took it as an encouragement to continue to confront this dark presence. I faced it and said emphatically, "I have chosen, out of my free will, to love One Holy. You, Strong, if that's your name, represent slavery, all over. You may have fooled me in the past and probably had real power over me then. If so, I allowed it. But not anymore. I now know of the true reality. In that sphere I place myself without any hesitation or reservation. And deep down, you must know that you, as a life-form, belong there also!"
I wondered whether I was supposed to do something more. I looked at You. Calmly You said, "You can be a channel through which I reveal Myself to him." It was no request, but the simple statement of a fact. I immediately saw the truth that in many ways I obscure Your light. I wanted to step aside so I could at least remove myself physically from this scene. But I was not able to move. I was stuck and felt frustrated while I tried to figure out what the options were. Then, something dawned on me. The light and the truth for this monumental entity has to come from me. It had to come as a radiation or a message from the person I am. For all practical purposes, I represent the I AM (God) right now, this moment as also in other circumstances. I have the opportunity to address this monstrous entity from the position of being aware of the true reality. So I stated to the appearance behind me, "Listen, this is where I stand, with all my frailties you know so well. The only real reality is I AM. On some level or another, you know that damn well. He/She is your life-giver also!" The figure did not respond at all, but the next moment it was gone, and so were the watching eyes.
It seemed that You and I were alone. You said, "Let me introduce you to others." A great sense of being accepted flooded me even before I became aware of a multitude of beings around me. They moved in a way that they got closer to me. I felt their attention, full of curiosity. A powerful thought pushed into my mind, 'I want to get out of the limelight; I'm not ready for this'. You said to me, "Remember the two other parts of you? You've seen their strong features. Others here see them. They see them as also you. They like you. They desire to know you in all your aspects."
Up till this moment, the crowd had remained amorphous. But now, a dwarf-sized person came up to me. I strongly rebelled against being part of a fairy tale scene like this. I really wanted to get out of it. I concluded that this didn't make any sense. (I had the suspicion that some part of my mind created these images; like it happens in dreams or guided imagery, or in the way artists get their ideas.) But a clear voice in me interrupted with, 'Let it happen! Stay with it! How will you learn otherwise?' The dwarf reached me and I felt he was trying to climb into my lap. The idea that he might touch my groin area was utterly distasteful. But he climbed higher, till I was holding him, he sitting in my arm. He took a flute from his pocket and played it. I barely heard the sound and cannot describe it. I guessed it sounded beautiful and I suppose it may correspond with the sound of Your face as Truth (Writing 5), but I had no receptor to process the music. What it noticeably did, however, was to create an atmosphere in which I, surprisingly, didn't feel guarded anymore. I felt uninhibited and capable of being physically close to anybody; capable of touching any part of anybody - if I would care to do so. And even more, that if I would do it, those being touched would be honored by it. And vice versa. Quite a change from my tightness just a while ago! I noticed there wasn't any fear left in me relating to being among so many others. I looked at You. You smiled friendly at me and said good-humoredly, "It's a different world, isn't it?"
That moment I felt sure that also in my earthly life I will be able to hold on to this proper position. At least, as well as I can. While I reflected on this, I realized that this first trip was over.
I made notes of what I could remember of this experience. I haven't looked at those notes until later, when I readied them for printing on the computer.