Chapter 88: In My Heart, There Are Many Secrets You Cannot Know

An adult’s heart holds so many secrets they dare not reveal. Just a gentle approach to them brings a sense of impending storm. After all, concealment stems from the unspeakable, and even a mere brush of lips and teeth evokes a heart-stopping word – loss of control.

Ou Jinghe often dreamed in the old house. Sometimes she dreamed she was a fish, admired in the light and shadow, but with human organs growing on her body, waking up startled by the scornful gazes of people. Occasionally, she dreamed of the Buddhist niche her mother-in-law kept in Bihu Tiandi, the niche emitting a yellow glow at night, the Great Compassion Mantra like winding vines. The happiest time was dreaming of Zheng Zeyan, his face shifting between light and shadow in the darkness, surrounded by different women as the light chased him. One face was very clear, the pale and somewhat manic woman she had met in the Sichuan restaurant before.

So every time she woke up, she felt like she was paralyzed by a ghost, needing a long time to calm down.

Gao Yuan’s calls came like death knells. To be precise, to pay the back taxes, he had to first beg Ou Jinghe to transfer the ownership of the dessert shop. He was much more solicitous than before. The settlement agreement had nominally dissolved their marital relationship, but Ou Jinghe directly refused him – only when the two million had been transferred to her account would she assist in transferring the dessert shop. Gao Yuan was gentle on the phone, his voice even becoming magnetic: “Jinghe, I’ll always transfer the money to you. Let’s pay the taxes first, otherwise none of us partners will have a good New Year.”

“I don’t believe you’re the only one responsible for all that money. If you’re really in trouble, pay the bill. If you don’t have money, let your finance person handle it for you.”

“Don’t push it too far. You know I don’t have cash on hand. The Gubei house is mortgaged, and the dessert shop is the last property I can manipulate.”

“Oh, what about Bihu Tiandi?”

“That’s the house I kept for my mother, I can’t sell it.”

“Oh, no wonder.” Ou Jinghe twirled the ends of her hair around her fingers, her hair seemed to have grown quite a bit: “Putting so many Buddhas there was to perform rituals for your mother in advance, to bless her with a long life.”

Before Gao Yuan’s curses could reach her ears, Ou Jinghe hung up the phone. Her sleep quality had been poor since moving into the old house. She didn’t know if it was the poor soundproofing or being too close to the street, but she was often kept awake by everyday noises. Even a few vibrations from her phone in the morning made her feel neurotic. Perhaps she had gotten used to sleeping well in Bihu Tiandi, developing bad habits from being pampered. But it wasn’t entirely her fault; the penthouse and good mattress had indeed given her comfortable sleep. An orange grown in Huainan is an orange; there was nothing to deny.

So, of course, she couldn’t let go of those two million. Not only that, but the ten million she had promised the mistress, she also planned to renege on. Although that Cindy had Gao Yuan’s evidence, she was still several levels dumber than her, too trusting. When she called later demanding the money, Ou Jinghe’s self-inflicted injury act was incredibly lifelike, even squeezing out tears over the phone: “Sister, I haven’t gotten the money either. The settlement agreement is out, and Gao Yuan hasn’t given me a single cent. I can only wait with you. I’m so sorry...”

Anyway, she really hadn’t received the money.

Leaning against the headboard, she lazily texted Zheng Zeyan. Zheng Zeyan, who had been working overtime until late at night at the end of the year, often drove home in the early hours, parked his car, and then walked to the old house. After sleeping there for two nights, his snoring kept Ou Jinghe awake all night – he had a habit of snoring when he was too tired. She never expected Ou Jinghe to be such a light sleeper; she was reading beside him when he opened his eyes. After that, Zheng Zeyan went back to living at his own place, only coming to find Ou Jinghe after he had enough sleep. Zheng Zeyan probably hadn’t woken up yet. Ou Jinghe considered going to the dessert shop to show her face and then bringing breakfast over after Zheng Zeyan replied – his apartment had plenty of interesting rooms, and even spending a whole day together in the heat of passion wouldn’t feel like too much.

Nothing had changed in the Miaolin dessert shop. Ou Jinghe hadn’t been there for a long time, and even the motorcycle cover seemed to have a layer of dust. The laughter and cheerful voices seemed to have slowly dissipated with her entanglement with Zheng Zeyan – love and friendship were contrary. There seemed to be more customers than usual, more like they had come out of curiosity to see what the so-called “gold digger” from Day and Night looked like. Ou Jinghe subconsciously stiffened and greeted the onlookers, quickening her pace to the second floor, her heart pounding.

Maybe it was just hunger making her anxious. Ou Jinghe, who hadn’t had a proper meal in a while, hid on the third floor, opened the window, and asked the chef to make her an old-fashioned dish – Mango Pomelo Sago Cream Noodles. The inspiration for this dish came from a conversation she had with a female boss from Hong Kong. A fleeting encounter, she had been drawn in by the wall full of Ovaltine and Horlicks cans. At the time, she was tormented by a test tube infection that kept her awake at night. The female boss said, “You should break free from the constraints and create a menu that matches your personality.” And so she had this bizarre menu: spicy glutinous rice balls, mango pomelo sago noodles, each bite unforgettable.

She couldn’t measure her feelings for the dessert shop. She had run the dessert shop and bar for three years, renovating countless times. From the earliest wall full of old Shanghai items to the later use of green plants and flowers, and then changing to dazzling lights, each change was like an evolution of her soul. The courtyard was her proud façade, also a paradise for peeking at kindergarten yellow hats. The first and second floors were where she and her friends enjoyed drinks. Her high heels on the wooden stairs added to her charm, and the stories exchanged became her own unique style. The third floor, filled with purchased books, was her spiritual corner. She had once felt emptiness in this small room, but more often, this small room kept her from being lonely. Her personality was inherently richer than others, and the woman in the mirror was still beautiful. What did it matter if people in Day and Night and in reality insulted her? The coded words of slander were actually admiration. The bartender and the chef were like her best friends. When she ate with them in early 2016, the bartender confessed amidst the haze of alcohol: “Boss, it’s a pity I’m too young. If I were ten years older, I would definitely pursue you – don’t say I don’t have the courage, dating you comes at a price. But I sincerely hope you’re happy.”

Thinking of this, she sent a message: “Zheng Zeyan, what time did you work until? You’re still not awake. If you don’t reply, I’m coming to find you.”

Looking at Ou Jinghe’s persistent questions on the screen, Zheng Zeyan remained silent, not saying a word. A hand deftly snatched his phone, and he snatched it back fiercely, putting on his coat to leave. His first love was half-lying in the middle of the bed, wearing only underwear: “Talk to her, you’re here with me, why don’t you dare to say it?”

Zheng Zeyan threw the blanket at her: “Get dressed.”

“Why? Afraid of misunderstandings? I’ve always slept like this. You and I used to meet naked in hotels, don’t your new darlings know that? She’s older too, she’ll definitely understand.” She jumped up and threw herself onto Zheng Zeyan’s shoulder, hanging all her weight on him. Her underwear was getting looser and looser after she lost weight: “I really miss you, so much.”

“I won’t save you if you stage another suicide. If you’re really stressed and feel lonely, go see a doctor and have your husband come back from Japan. Don’t always look for me, I’m not your lifeline.”

Zheng Zeyan shook off her arm, grabbed his bag, opened the door, and went out. His phone kept vibrating, Ou Jinghe’s calls were like a woman chasing after him... a terrifying intuition. The elevator descended, and he felt like he was falling into hell. After several sleepless nights, his consciousness was hazy, and he only felt anxious – hunger, lack of sleep, and... fear. Returning home late at night after overtime, Zheng Zeyan wanted to take a shower and sleep as soon as possible. He saw a figure at his door, huddled in the doorway like a discarded trash bag. That figure annoyed him slightly. When did his first love get his home address? Oh, someone with her background as a social butterfly couldn’t possibly not figure out an address. When did she come over, how long had she been waiting here, when did she lose so much weight? He nudged her with his foot. Sure enough, the woman reeked of alcohol, even more like a piece of trash. Seeing Zheng Zeyan, his first love grabbed him like a drowning person grabbing a lifeline: “I took a hundred sleeping pills. Today is the last time I’ll see you.”

“You fucking...”

Carrying the woman to the hospital and registering her in the emergency room, Zheng Zeyan became his first love’s only family member outside. Her husband’s phone couldn’t be reached, and he couldn’t find her parents’ phone numbers. After paying the medical bills and arranging her admission, he had a long night of torment ahead of him. The white lights only made him wonder what had made a woman willingly degrade herself and take him as her last straw? Hopelessly stupid, yet he couldn’t help but save her. He was swamped at the office during the day, but he was grateful that the meetings were like a relentless battle, exhausting him so he could temporarily avoid thinking about the patient lying in the hospital and the lover who was still in the dark, sincerely waiting for him to return to the old house for their third night together.

Of course, he felt guilty towards Ou Jinghe. In the pantry, a colleague approached him, startling him so much that he spilled hot coffee on his sleeve. While wiping his clothes, the colleague couldn’t hide his curiosity: “Director Yan, how’s it going with your girlfriend?”

“Waiting for her to get divorced.” Since everyone knew, he might as well be open about it.

“Director Yan, you’re really something, taking on such a big burden this time. But we were really envious of you that day downstairs, a mature woman... they’re really different.”

The colleague’s words weren’t meant to be sarcastic. The chaos in the finance industry was as common knowledge as hot water burning your mouth. After wiping his sleeve, he also completed an act of self-deception. Ou Jinghe hadn’t divorced yet, so his actions didn’t count as... cheating.

Zheng Zeyan didn’t see his first love when she was discharged from the hospital. A new patient had already moved into the ward. His first love sent him a hotel address. Entering the hotel, he unsurprisingly saw newly bought lingerie. She was naked, unhurriedly fastening the clasps: “I seem to have lost weight, I’ve actually shrunk from a D to a C.”

Zheng Zeyan suppressed his anger: “So you can still live, right? I’m leaving.”

“So eager to go be with your rich woman? Isn’t she busy getting divorced? I looked up how complicated divorce is. For someone as rich as her, it probably won’t be settled for a year or two. It wouldn’t hurt to spend one more night with me.”

“Don’t always think about suicide. No one will feel sorry for you if you die, not even your husband, considering he didn’t even answer your calls.”

“Oh. He wants to divorce me and settle in Japan. I’m no different from that rich woman, isn’t she also messing around everywhere and found you?”

“Shut up, you’re different.”

“Are we? Aren’t we all using finding true love as a pretense, seeing that you’re easy to bully, knowing you like wallowing in the mud...”

Before the words finished, Zheng Zeyan’s hand had already risen, the slap echoing crisply, making the small hotel room of just over ten square meters eerily silent. His first love, wearing only underwear, stood on the carpet in a twisted and comical posture: “You hit me for another woman. The person who once chased cars and caught planes for me, now hits me for another woman...”

In his chaotic memories, Zheng Zeyan did indeed have many memories of being crazy for love. Once, during the most important event of his club, he was directing the setup at the South District Gymnasium when his first love said she had a fever. He would ignore the club leader’s displeasure and run out to buy fever patches, but when he delivered them and knocked on her dormitory door, she was too lazy to even come downstairs. At the end of the semester exams, he received a text message saying his first love was taking a flight home. He rushed to Pudong Airport, only to receive another message from her: “Oh sorry, I texted the wrong person, I’m at Hongqiao Airport...” That taxi ride from Pudong to Hongqiao cost exactly two hundred and fifty yuan. Even the night before his wedding, his first love called Zheng Zeyan and said, “This is the last time I’ll call you. I’m getting married, I just want to know if you’re doing well.” At that time, he had finally matured, but he still couldn’t help but get angry because of her. This wretched woman was still stubbornly clinging to him.

She heard his first love say, “Zheng Zeyan, this is starting and then abandoning. You still asked me out for dinner when you fell in love with someone else, you clearly can’t let me go.”

“I was wrong that time, I apologize.”

“You actually learned to apologize? Did that rich woman teach you kindness? Then I can too. From today on, we’ll be together, we’ll be kind together, okay?”

“That’s because you don’t love yourself, it has nothing to do with me. A woman like you can grab more than just me as a lifeline. The only reason you keep clinging to me is because—” Zheng Zeyan closed his eyes in despair: “Because I loved you.”

“You downloaded those little apps because you couldn’t get over loving me, Zheng Zeyan. Now I only have you.”

“I’m begging you, please don’t enter my life again.”

He closed the door and walked out, determined to leave this past behind him. Girls with a certain allure were simply precocious. Their charm wasn’t innate; it was just that in the mottled landscape of human nature, they understood the taste of infatuation earlier than others and relied on it to gain the rewards of fate. Zheng Zeyan closed his eyes in the wind. The winter rain came wave after wave. On this night of betrayal, he didn’t deserve an umbrella. Every step closer to the dessert shop was like a slow slicing. He kept comforting himself, it’s okay, as long as he didn’t mention it, no one would ever know. Even if he did say it, it was just extending a helping hand to a friend in critical condition. This was the loyalty and kindness towards friends that remained in his heart. In any case, Ou Jinghe didn’t need to know any of this.

The night was deep. The dessert shop had already closed, the courtyard door was ajar, and the lights inside glowed warmly. He gently stepped inside, wanting to give the person who left the lights on a surprise. Gao Yuan’s voice came from inside: “Forget two million, I can’t even get five million. Everyone’s scrambling for money to pay the back taxes now. The amount allocated to me is eighty million, not the total eighty million. I desperately need this money. I’ll transfer it all to you as soon as I get it back.”

Zheng Zeyan knew that the end of the year was the time for settling accounts, but the overall economic situation had been deteriorating since 2018. The financial reports were filled with frightening amounts of bad debts. Even bank loans to businesses were difficult to recover, let alone for someone like Gao Yuan who scattered his money everywhere making small loans and collecting interest. Ou Jinghe wore a dark green velvet top, shimmering in the dim light. Peeking through the crack in the door, Zheng Zeyan noticed for the first time that the green in the shadows was a dirty and ambiguous color.

“Guess what? I knew it all along. I really have to thank myself for being somewhat smart and not agreeing to let you mortgage the dessert shop. I was afraid of this day, with you doing business everywhere and not being able to recover cash from your mortgage.”

“So what do we do now? I can’t come up with the money, you’re unwilling to help me with the transfer, the settlement agreement is just a piece of paper. Are you planning to continue living with me?”

“I want your Bihu house.”

“...You really have a venomous heart. Cindy is also asking me for money. You women are all going to drive me crazy in the end.”

“Why blame me if you can’t come up with the money? Besides, you reaped what you sowed with your affairs. Take responsibility for your own actions, don’t think about implicating my ex-wife.”

“She said you promised to give her half.”

“Evidence? Agreement, recording, surveillance, show me one piece?”

There were bloodshot veins in Gao Yuan’s eyes. Since the stock price fell after the back tax issue, he seemed to have aged a lot: “The market price of Bihu Tiandi is twenty-five million. If I really give it to you, we’ll have to revise the settlement agreement, and you’ll have to compensate me five million.”

“Deal. I’ll compensate you even if I have to sell my parents’ house in Jiading.” Ou Jinghe’s laughter was one he had never heard before.

“I’ve already checked, the current market price is twenty-five million. Weren’t you just waiting for me to say that?”

Gao Yuan saw Zheng Zeyan at the door first, then suddenly smiled with a malicious glee: “You schemed so much, you’re even willing to put your closest people to death, not even letting go of your parents’ dilapidated house. Aren’t you afraid your little puppy won’t want you after he finds out?”

“I only want the house and the money. I can find another man if I lose one, and so can he. Do you understand? It was someone like you who reminded me that nothing in this world is more important than money.”

Every word was spoken firmly. Ou Jinghe triumphantly turned her head, like giving her lines a resounding final bow. When her eyes met his, Zheng Zeyan wasn’t surprised to see the same panic and fear he felt in her gaze. An adult’s heart holds so many secrets they dare not reveal. Just a gentle approach to them brings a sense of impending storm. After all, concealment stems from the unspeakable, and even a mere brush of lips and teeth evokes a heart-stopping word – loss of control.