SBT - 3

03. Five Years Ago

The man who had completely ensnared her during her naive and immature college years, two years of them, was a doctor of traditional Korean medicine.

He was an elite who had opened his own clinic at a young age and held the position of director of a clinic in Gangnam. He was also a client of her mother, who was a lawyer.

Of course, there was an age difference of more than ten years between them. At her young age, she thought she had been drawn to the mature charm of a man that she couldn’t find in the callow boys her age.

Looking back now, if she were to find the reason she had loved that man, it would be this: he wasn’t particularly affectionate, but he was mature, and like an older adult, he knew how to love.

It was like stepping into an adult world she had never known before and breaking a taboo. Love didn’t need a particularly special beginning. Like a drug that slowly permeated and became addictive, she had met that man and learned about love.

「Today’s the hospital dinner. It looks like it’ll end late, so go in first. I’ll call you later.」

Perhaps it was his profession, but the man had a somewhat cold and clear personality. Of course, she, who was not like that, even thought that aspect of his personality was mature. Yeon remained alone in the lecture hall after class, sending him a reply.

「Okay, Hyun-woo-ssi. Don’t worry about me.」

It was a perfect sentence directed entirely at him, down to the period.

“I knew it, what are you doing all alone in an empty lecture hall?”

“I had something to text about.”

Eun-song, her only friend who knew about her relationship, crossed her arms with a displeased look. Eun-song disapproved of her relationship. She didn’t understand why a young girl would meet such an old man, and she even cursed him, calling him a fox who seduced young girls despite his supposed education.

“That traditional medicine doctor?”

“Yeah.”

“Why, isn’t he picking you up today?”

“He must be busy with a hospital dinner.”

Grabbing my bag, I left the lecture hall and checked my schedule. That was the last of my afternoon classes, and today was Wednesday, so it was the day for the club meeting. It was also the time Eun-song, who had a crush on a senior in the club, looked forward to the most.

“But are you really okay?”

“About what?”

“You’re blinded by love right now, but if you think about it, it’s suspicious. Meeting a young girl like you at his age, okay, let’s say that’s possible. But why does he want to meet in secret?”

“My mom is also the lawyer in charge of his hospital, and like you said, there’s no real benefit to the hospital knowing he’s seeing me, so that must be it. And if it spreads around school...”

Actually, she also knew that if rumors spread around school that she was dating a doctor more than ten years older than her, the reaction wouldn’t be very positive.

Maybe she had been trying hard to ignore it. Talk of 원조 교제 (compensated dating), or that she was seeing him because he was a doctor, things that could easily be misunderstood, unpleasant situations she didn’t want to encounter. Both the young her and the adult him wouldn’t welcome it.

“Hey. Isn’t a young girlfriend like a medal or rank for guys?”

“But it’s not like we’re having an affair. There’s just a bit of an age difference compared to others.”

“Okay. Got it. I’m on your side no matter what. Just remember that.”

Still, she knew Eun-song’s heart, that she genuinely cared about her.

“Now that exams are over, I only have to think about the MT (membership training trip) for a while. I’m so excited.”

Even while walking towards the club room, Eun-song couldn’t hide her excitement.

The volunteer club. Actually, she had joined not because she liked it, but to fulfill a graduation requirement. But she felt awkward about quitting for the obvious reason that she had completed her volunteer hours, so she kept putting it off.

Cha Yi-hwan, who was quite famous in various ways on campus, was also a member of the same volunteer club. He was a senior, so he didn’t participate in club activities as often as she did, but among the seniors, there were few undergraduates who participated as diligently as he did.

The volunteer club didn’t seem to suit him at all, with the childish but seemingly serious titles that followed him, like how he had supposedly dominated the area with his fists in high school.

Rumors openly circulated that Senior Yi-hwan’s father, who was known as a wealthy man in the Gangnam area, was about to run for National Assembly, so it was behind-the-scenes work for image improvement, but nothing had been confirmed.

Eun-song, who liked Senior Yi-hwan, had declared her intention to make her move at the upcoming MT.

Her determination was resolute. For Eun-song, who asked her to help her succeed whenever she had a chance, all she could do was switch seats with her if she ended up sitting next to him at a gathering, or switch partners if they were paired up for a volunteer activity. Those were the only things.

She also felt a bit hesitant to more actively create opportunities for the two of them, as it might seem like she was meddling. As someone who had met him but wasn’t particularly close to him, it was perhaps natural. Senior Cha Yi-hwan was someone who felt difficult to approach.

That must be why Eun-song, who had a much more proactive personality than her, couldn’t easily approach him either.

“You go in first. I’ll go to the restroom and then come.”

She sent Eun-song to the club room first and went up one more flight of stairs to take a call.

“Yeah, Mom. You called? No, I think I’ll be a bit late today. Ah, no, I’m not meeting anyone. I have a club meeting today. Yeah, don’t worry about me.”

Only after hanging up did she once again realize that lying wasn’t in her nature. More than anything else, lying to her mother felt like a sharp blade piercing her conscience.

To her mother, he was a client and a business partner. After her father, who was a police officer, died in the line of duty, Yeon always felt like the subordinate 을 in front of her mother, Joo-mi, who had raised her single-handedly, supporting her in every way. Joo-mi had already opposed her decision to major in police administration.

Leaning against the stair railing, she just fiddled with the disconnected phone. Yeon ignored what she knew was this heavy and uncomfortable feeling that was urging her on. She was still young, maybe she used that as an excuse.

She roused her slumped body and went down the stairs. Her steps were unsteady, and she stumbled, when she heard a low voice from behind.

“Are you okay?”

“Ah...”

The man coming down the stairs approached her dazed form and asked again. Yeon slowly nodded her head like a worn-out battery.

Surely he hadn’t heard the call. Well, there wasn’t much to it, but she reacted sensitively to even small cracks, fearing the fragile relationship would crumble. She herself admitted it was a precarious relationship. That’s why she became even more blindly attached to that man.

“You should be careful.”

His worry and voice were somewhat bothersome and nonchalant. The man coming down the stairs was Cha Yi-hwan. They were in different departments, but he was a senior she had met when she joined the club a year ago. No, actually, he probably didn’t know her, but she had known him before that. He was a well-known figure on campus.

The man, trudging down the rest of the stairs, was touching his neck with a rather rough look.

“Ah, shit. Is it a cramp?”

He clearly muttered a curse, but the man who had fully approached her closed his mouth as if nothing had happened.

Black hair, a sleekly upturned lip line, and taut tendons visible beneath the sleeve of his t-shirt hinted at strong arm muscles. In fact, if his face were a bit more rugged, he could have passed for a street thug.

A nonchalant attitude that was hardly fitting for a volunteer club. But then again, his face was too handsome, in a way that kids often say, to just label him a gangster. It was a good thing she wasn’t the type to fall easily for a man’s looks.

“Ah, senior. Are you on your way to the club room?”

“Yeah.”

He was wearing silver-rimmed glasses today, which he didn’t often wear, and up close, she could see a scratch mark under his eye.

Eun-song’s voice, ecstatic as she talked about how Yi-hwan had supposedly dominated the streets with his fists until high school, echoed in her mind.

Eun-song liked strong people. A dependable man who could lead her with his strength and protect her no matter who came. Of course, he didn’t look like he would lose a fight, but he also didn’t seem like the type to go out of his way to protect someone.

Had he still not gotten rid of his old habits and gotten into a fight again? Curious, she unknowingly stared up at him through his glasses, and he gestured with his chin as if asking if she had something to say.

“Did you hurt yourself somewhere?”

“Yeah. Fell while drinking.”

Yeon chuckled softly at the reply.

It was an unexpected answer, but she thought it suited him. He was a very unique senior. According to rumors, no one could stand against his fists, and the students at school liked him for that.

She figured that must be the reason. What did Eun-song say? That even though his fists looked like they could smash anyone, he was actually gentle to the weak, something that girls would like. Anyway, he was unique.

“Senior, are you going to the MT?”

“Why?”

“You absolutely have to go. Because...”

She couldn’t directly mention Eun-song’s story, and her mouth was itching to. Eun-song was eagerly anticipating the MT with him.

She understood that feeling. That feeling of being in an inescapable space with someone you like for a while. The childish feeling of being happy just by looking at them, and feeling like you have the whole world just by touching them.

Her lips twitched, but she simply replied with a plain smile.

“All our club members like you, senior. Everyone will be happy if you come.”

“That’s why I don’t like it. It’s annoying. They cling.”

He looked a bit tired, as if he had overslept, and casually ruffled the back of his hair. She could understand why everyone whispered about Cha Yi-hwan being in the volunteer club – it was surprising.

It was a club that didn’t suit him at all, someone who seemed closer to fists than to service or sacrifice. But then again, he didn’t raise his voice immaturely, boast about his meager fists, or act pompous like the guys who tried to act cool.

He seemed self-willed, but there was also something mature about his eyes. It was a different kind of maturity than Hyun-woo’s. That man felt mature in his thoroughness with his work, while the senior, though he seemed frivolous, had that kind of atmosphere naturally. He was a truly peculiar person.

Feeling inexplicably awkward, she turned her head first and started walking again.

Walking in step with him, she could clearly feel how tall he was. Even standing side by side, her crown barely reached his chest.

Yeon looked down at her feet, feeling unnecessarily awkward. She had probably rushed out, as the heels of her clean sneakers were carelessly folded down. He wore jeans that seemed to boast his long legs, a t-shirt that hugged his broad shoulders, and a simple wristwatch.

At first glance, he looked plain, but he stylishly pulled off basic outfits. Of course, she guessed that eighty percent of it was thanks to his tall height and broad back, which made him stand out even from afar. She admitted that Eun-song, who had high standards, had good reason to fall for him at first sight.

She unknowingly kept glancing sideways at him until their eyes met. Ah... flustered, she looked away, and he silently mouthed, “Why?”

Like someone caught stealing, Yeon’s eyes darted around, not knowing where to settle.

“No. Um, you really have to come to the MT.”

When she opened the door to the club room, most of the members were already there.

He took a seat in one of the two empty spots first. Yeon was about to sit down but cleared her throat and signaled to Eun-song. Eun-song, who seemed to have telepathically understood her sign, naturally sat down in the spot that had been left empty for Yeon.

Yeon sat in the spot Eun-song had been in and took a drink that a member offered, and her eyes met Yi-hwan’s. The man’s eyes, unreadable, met hers, then his gaze drifted to a member who called his name.

Even while looking at Eun-song, who was winking her thanks, she couldn’t give a bright smile. Yeon felt strangely uneasy.

It was evening on the day of the MT.

A few survivors from the initial drinking party were having another round, and then the survivors from that round were having yet another. Yeon sipped her beer slowly and steadily, trying not to get drunk, and held onto her phone tightly.

Eun-song was originally a good drinker, and she had suspected it from when he said he fell while drinking, but Senior Cha Yi-hwan didn’t seem particularly sensitive to alcohol either.

Yeon, who liked alcohol but didn’t have the confidence to last as long as the two of them, had to endure by drinking as little as possible.

Cha Yi-hwan wasn’t usually a talkative person, and drinking didn’t make him loosen up either.

She had subtly hoped to see a different side of him, a drunken confession perhaps, but he didn’t cry like some people did when drunk, or say silly things like others, or even get a red face like she did. Maybe he was a more thorough person than everyone thought.

Eun-song’s eyes, completely fixed on him, were now almost blatant.

“Senior, where did you get this watch? It’s simple but really pretty.”

“I don’t know. It was a gift.”

“Can I try it on?”

“Uh, no.”

“Aw, it’s too tight. What’s the big deal about trying it on once?”

“I’m originally tight.”

“Can I call you oppa, instead of senior? I’ve decided to call the other older students oppa.”

“Oppa my ass.”

Even amidst the noisy, giggling drinking party, Eun-song’s flirtatious voice directed at him didn’t fade.

Her phone, which she had been holding onto like a lifeline, vibrated with a call. Yeon weaved through the scattered members and went outside the villa. The night air in the mountainside, where the forest was dense and secluded, was refreshing but chilly.

Rubbing her arms, she approached a car that was visible in the distance, and the headlights flickered. It was him. All she needed was the warm embrace of that man. Forgetting the cold, she ran towards him. Inside the warm car, the man she had been waiting for was there.

The faint scent of medicinal herbs that always emanated from him was now familiar. The man in the crisply ironed suit pushed up his horn-rimmed glasses and cleared the cushion on the passenger seat for her to sit.

“Sorry. I’m very late.”

“It’s alright.”

His somewhat stiff tone was also his signature. Even though it could sound realistic, she liked his unique coolness.

“I just came to see your face for a bit. You’re already drunk, aren’t you.”

“My face always gets red when I drink. My mind is clear, though.”

Sniffling, she took his hand holding the steering wheel, and he kissed her lips. Even though his lips were rough, they felt soft. Yeah, maybe it was infatuation, just like Eun-song said. Maybe liking this man was a childish impulse.

The adult world, first given to a chick that had just broken out of its shell, something like bitter chocolate that you can’t escape once you taste it. She couldn’t shake the feeling that they would become more precarious as they deepened their relationship, but she couldn’t let go either, like a poison.

Conscious of the place, Yeon broke off the kiss that was trying to deepen.

The man held her tightly in his arms, savoring the lingering feeling. The scent of medicinal herbs came from him, and a subtle, sweet fragrance of freesia lingered. It was a scent that somehow didn’t suit this man, but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t want to ruin the mood.

“Are you sure you don’t need to go back?”

“I should go. Seeing your face is enough.”

“I should probably go back in too.”

She said goodbye carefully and stepped out of the car, taking a step back. He gestured that he would call, and soon the car disappeared down the mountain road. In the distance, the taillights faded, and soon only the quiet wind and she remained, but she couldn’t go back inside for a while and stood there.

After breathing in the chilly wind to her heart’s content, she turned back, and under a tree, on a bench, sat Senior Cha Yi-hwan. She was so surprised that she involuntarily gasped. How long had he been there? He hadn’t been watching everything, had he?

Before she could calm her surprised heart, she noticed the cigarette between his fingers. So, he smoked. Somehow, Cha Yi-hwan and cigarettes seemed like a fitting combination. Even though it looked harmful to his health...

A person who suited cigarettes. That definitely wasn’t very normal. The slippers he was casually wearing also felt like a familiar combination with him.

As she approached, stepping on the dirt path, his eyes in the deep darkness became even clearer. Even though it was a dark night without moonlight, strangely, he seemed to shine brightly. His eyes, a bit more watery than usual, told of his intoxication.

He was wearing training pants and a t-shirt casually, but that also suited him quite well. An unopened can of beer, probably brought out to drink, was next to him.

“Senior, you were out here.”

As she moved closer, he gestured with his eyes to the seat next to him, as if telling her to sit. He was wearing his silver-rimmed glasses while smoking.

The bruise he said he got from falling hadn’t faded yet. A laugh almost escaped her, but she pursed her lips, seeing his furrowed brow.

Anyway, Eun-song must have fallen asleep first, as no one was visible beside him.

“That’s more affectionate than I thought.”

“Yes?”

Had she misheard? She asked him again, but only hazy smoke came from between his teeth.

Yeon sat down in the seat, holding the can of beer. Then, she fiddled with the tightly closed opening with her fingers. As she struggled with the unopened can, he stopped smoking and held out his hand.

“Give it here.”

“I can open it.”

“I know, just give it here.”

He looked displeased at the awkwardly held can and didn’t seem like he would take his eyes off it until he opened it himself. She handed over the can, still beaded with cold dew on the surface, and he opened it in one go and handed it back.

“That’s the handiwork of someone who’s drunk a lot.”

“Don’t you drink cider?”

“Ah, right. Cider comes in the same can.”

She took a sip of her beer, saying something foolish, but she still felt good. Was it because she saw that man? Or was her tension up because she had a bit to drink earlier?

“Um, can I ask you one thing?”

“What?”

“Why did you join our club, senior?”

“My old man was making a fuss about politics and stuff, so he stuck me in there.”

So the rumors were true. She hadn’t expected him to answer so honestly. He chewed on the filter as if it was nothing special.

Senior’s father, famous as a big landowner in Gangnam, was also known as a major player in the stock market. But she hesitated to bring up the story she had heard through a friend and kept her mouth shut.

After that, their conversation trailed off.

Deep in the mountains, which had completely sunk into darkness like an abyss, she brushed back her hair that was being ruffled by the gentle breeze and looked up at the sky, whose end she couldn’t see.

It had been a long time since she had such leisure. She had been 정신없이 (mindlessly) busy with exams for a while, and she had to be on edge because of her mother, who had taken on a complicated case, and she also had to worry about her ongoing first love.

There were definitely more stars than in Seoul. Gazing up at the stars like someone whose eyes were glued to the sky, she noticed the faint cigarette smoke and turned to look beside her.

“......”

The cigarette crushed at the end of his slipper had already fallen. He had been silently watching her for some time. His long, deep eyes and firmly closed lips didn’t suggest he would say anything rash.

He wasn’t usually a very talkative person, but receiving such a grateful gaze made her feel somewhat awkward. Did he not know that he looked a bit tough? Even if he was handsome, it was burdensome to have a man with strong features stare at her like that. Was he drunk too, after all?

After staring at her for a long time, his lips parted. “But,” he began, his unique low voice settling in softly.

“Don’t girls your age usually like younger guys?”

“Yes?”

What had she heard? Yeon blinked her large eyes, frozen by his straightforward voice.

“I thought the competition was tough, but it’s more like... nothing.”

“What... are you talking about?”

“Jung Yeon.”

When he called her name, something in her chest dropped.

It was the first time he had called her name. They had been in the same club for almost a year, but they hadn’t run into each other alone very often, and when they did talk, it was only about club activities with the other members.

There must have been opportunities for them to be alone, but most of the time, she had switched seats or times with Eun-song, or unintentionally avoided him as much as possible, so it was perhaps natural that they rarely faced each other alone.

“It doesn’t seem like you’re into old guys, so I should probably be glad that I’m older than you.”

Had she misheard? She didn’t know what he was talking about, but the subtly different atmosphere made her neck and scalp tense up.

“Do you want to cheat on him with me?”

The words flew like a javelin and pierced her instantly, leaving no room to ask back. Only belatedly did she replay his words, and her mouth fell open.

Clearly, it scattered from his lips like the wind, but a violent storm struck the back of her head. As if that wasn’t enough, he finished his sentence.

“What was it... that two-timing thing.”

His eyes looking straight at her seemed too clear to think he was just rambling drunk.

Moreover, even though he looked a bit delinquent, he didn’t seem like the type to make silly jokes, which made her even more confused.

They say you can’t speak when you’re too surprised, and Yeon, like someone with her mouth sewn shut, just rolled her eyes, stupidly trying to adjust to reality.

“Senior, are you drunk? You’re making jokes you don’t usually make.”

“Doesn’t that guy look like he’s not normal at first glance?”

That guy was definitely referring to Hyun-woo.

“What on earth... Senior, aren’t you being too rude? You don’t even know him well.”

“I don’t know him well. I don’t know him, but isn’t it true that he’s an old guy playing around with a young thing?”

“Anyway, even if you were going to fall for someone, why would it be a jerk like that?” His voice, muttering the last part, was truly one of utter contempt.

She should have snapped at him and demanded an apology, she should have questioned why he was rudely badmouthing her boyfriend without knowing him, but even though anger welled up, she couldn’t think of anything to say back that would feel satisfying.

He took Yeon’s beer can, who was stunned with bewilderment, and gulped it down in one go. The alcohol, roughly passing down his throat, was sucked into him without a single drop remaining. With a sharp crack, the can was instantly crushed in his grip.

“Even if that person isn’t normal, why would I have an affair with you, senior?”

“That’s why I’m telling you to find out. While you’re with me, see if that guy is really sane or not. You’ll be able to tell since you have a comparison.”

“That’s ridiculous...”

An affair? Was he suggesting she meet him while having a boyfriend? No, even putting that aside, he was the man her friend Eun-song liked. No, it wasn’t something to put aside. An affair? Was he telling her to two-time? Her head was so cluttered that she couldn’t even speak.

“Senior, do you... like me?”

“Would I be spouting nonsense about an affair or two-timing to a woman I don’t even like?”

He seemed well aware that what he was saying was nonsense. Even as he watched her blankly staring at the beer can that had clattered to the floor in disbelief, he continued to spew nonsense.

“You can meet me only when you want to. Day or night, whenever you need me.”

It was getting worse. She had received confessions a few times from peers since entering university, but this was the first time she had heard someone suggest an affair.

“Senior, are you seriously suggesting we have an affair while you have a girlfriend?”

Yeon’s distrust of him had swelled like a balloon, and she gave him a suspicious look. At that, he unfolded his crossed legs and laughed silently.

He seemed dumbfounded by her words, covering and uncovering one eye with his large palm, and he was definitely laughing. He didn’t usually laugh openly, and tended to laugh like that, letting it slip out. Leaving room, like letting his feelings slip. It didn’t seem good. More importantly, hey, I’m the one who’s more dumbfounded here.

“I don’t have that.”

“Don’t have what?”

“I don’t have a girlfriend, that kind of thing.”

That wasn’t the important part. Not knowing what to say, she had to endure his deep, no, actually, terrifying gaze that kept colliding with hers.

“Well, that’s good.”

Even at her sarcastic mockery, he accepted her criticism with a low laugh. She couldn’t believe those words came from that handsome face and still had to cradle her numb back of the head.

“I’m not that diligent of a person. This woman, that woman. Just thinking about it gives me a headache.”

He was clearly sincere. Just by looking at him, he seemed more like someone who would struggle to get out of bed in the morning due to oversleeping rather than being diligent. Of course, that might just be her hasty judgment based on his outward image.

“Senior, I didn’t know you were that kind of person.”

“That kind of person?”

“I never dreamed you were the kind of person who would secretly ask someone with a boyfriend to meet.”

“Then you can get to know me from now on. Give me that lighter over there.”

He gestured with his chin towards the lighter that was a good distance away from him. Yeon picked it up and tossed it to him as if throwing it away. He skillfully caught it, took out another cigarette, sucked on the filter, and blew out smoke.

“The best way would be for you to break up with that old guy. Anyway, damn, even when they get old, they don’t age gracefully.”

His low voice only made her ears ring.

“Senior, I’m really... disappointed.”

“What, already disappointed? I haven’t even done anything yet.”

His low voice layered with a low chuckle was truly the epitome of bass, yet his unique, joking tone didn’t sound scary.

But “not yet”? What did that mean? There was a subtle nuance in his words. She couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was, but she didn’t think it was just her imagination. A mountain wind whipped through her complicated and agitated mind.

“It’s nice, being like this.”

He would look at her, but when he blew out cigarette smoke, he would turn his head away. Knowing it was useless, he couldn’t move away from her and eventually put out his cigarette after only a few puffs.

The man’s long fingers lightly ruffled his hair, which was scattered by the wind. She blankly watched the strands of black hair falling from his fingertips and suddenly suspected his nonchalant smile.

Was it truly her misjudgment that the seemingly relaxed eyes held an untamed, raw heat like a wild animal?

She didn’t know what was what, but one thing was certain. He was definitely not normal.

“...I don’t cheat. Day or night, he’s more than enough for me.”

Just as she poured cold water on the hidden heat in his eyes, she heard someone calling from afar.

“Jung Yeon!”

Eun-song’s appearance, approaching with quick steps, jolted her awake.

“Oh my, Senior was here too.”

“Then go take care of your business and come in. I was just about to go in.”

Barely managing her trembling legs, she brushed past Eun-song who was approaching. Thinking she was making space for the two of them, Eun-song lightly took and released her hand as she passed. Because of Cha Yi-hwan’s crazy words, spoken without a blink, she felt as if she too had participated in something wrong.

She went inside the pension and sat among the kids sprawled out like squids, their legs everywhere.

Had she misheard everything so far? Was she the one who was drunk? Not the senior, but her?

Even if she denied it like that, she knew that the reality that had overturned couldn’t be changed.

________________________________________

“I don’t know, it didn’t go well. After you went in like that, Senior left right away, so what could I say? He’s the hardest person I’ve ever encountered. Just when I think I’ve taken one step closer, he moves further away, and when I think we’ve gotten a bit closer, it turns out it was all my imagination. I just can’t figure him out.”

The overnight MT, which was supposed to be a club bonding trip, ended strangely.

She wasn’t the only one who returned with a queasy feeling. There was no contact from that man who had visited the pension late at night. Then, this afternoon, he called, saying he was busy and was only now getting in touch. He had promised to pick her up today, but he had a last-minute meeting and couldn’t make it.

That man was often like that. His hospital was always overflowing with patients, and he was a busy person. Unlike her, he had a clear profession and was someone whose schedule could change at any time. On the other hand, she was still a student, even though she was preparing for the police officer exam.

The obvious difference between a working adult and a student made her uneasy. She understood. They lived in different worlds. She knew she couldn’t dwell on the unavoidable differences in their environments.

She had to be more understanding, afraid that he would think she was being clingy because she was young and didn’t understand these obvious truths. She also had a petty stubbornness that made her not want to hear, “See, I knew it.”

Someone who wasn’t even an adult had to understand the adult world. She thought it was something she had to endure since she was the one who had chosen him. What else could she do? If she accepted it and moved on, there was nothing she couldn’t understand.

“You must be busy too, how can I ask you to do this? I’m sorry. Our teaching assistant is always like this.”

“It’s okay. I was just taking a break from being in the library all this time anyway.”

“Thank you.”

Yeon helped her department professor, whom she had met in the library’s reference room, find materials for a seminar she was preparing. Since her plans for today had been canceled anyway, she helped without any difficulty. Before she knew it, it was dark outside the window.

“Oh, by the way, you did well on the last exam. You’ll definitely pass the police exam. You’ve always been a good student, so I’m not too worried. Thanks for your help.”

She handed the professor the materials she had found and bowed her head. Her duty was to study and pass the police exam. Yeon thought she had done her part by fulfilling her duty.

So, perhaps she secretly hoped that her mother would understand any choices she made outside of studying, as long as she was doing her duty.

After parting with the professor, she was walking across campus when she saw familiar faces at the central fountain. It was her club members. They were gathered around someone, laughing about something so funny that they were doubled over, and they waved at her when they spotted her.

As she got closer, the face became clearer, and Yeon unknowingly hardened her expression. Cha Yi-hwan was sitting among the kids, looking at her.

Whether he had been drinking and passed out late again, he was wearing a casually thrown-on t-shirt and jeans, but the man, with his strong features, exuded an intense aura that captivated the kids even in his disheveled state.

Even plain jeans acted as an item that accentuated his long legs. He was almost like a bewitching goblin.

Holding an iced Americano in his hand, he wasn’t wearing glasses today. Had the bruise completely faded? She belatedly realized their eyes had met as she was having such trivial thoughts, but she turned her head away first, avoiding him. If it weren’t for the voices of the kids who were grabbing her, she would have just walked past.

“Where are you going? Home?”

“Yeah.”

“Aren’t you leaving earlier than usual?”

“Just... I can’t concentrate.”

She thought they would come over and chat, but several pairs of puzzled eyes were fixed on her as she just waved and said she was leaving. She ignored them and passed the fountain. It was a bit too far to walk home, but too close to take a car.

Feeling stifled, and wanting to clear her head that had been wrestling with books in the library all day, she turned to walk, but her shoes creaked. She had worn a slightly smaller pair, and her toes were signaling that they hurt.

She should have just taken the bus. Still, it didn’t seem like it would be too difficult to walk home, so she started walking again when her phone rang.

“Oh, Eun-song-ah.”

• I’m going to confess to Senior today. I’m about to call him, but I’m so nervous. What should I do? What if he doesn’t answer because it’s a call from someone he’s not even close to? I know it’s probably not going to work, but I have to try, I’m so nervous I could die. A chance encounter or a random date never happens to me, what should I do? I guess I’ll just have to face him directly.

Yeon looked back at the fountain that was not far away.

“Senior is at the fountain right now.”

• Really? Did you see him?

“He’s with some kids.”

• Don’t those kids have homes? Why are they always hanging around Senior? They’re like leeches.

“Oh, the kids are leaving.”

• Re, really? Hey, I’m going now. Keep Senior there for me. I’m at the library. Five minutes, five minutes. I’ll be right there.

“I’m going to go. Hey, Song-ah.”

There was no reply to her cut-off call.

She just stared down at her phone, which had lost its light in bewilderment.

Having no other choice, Yeon walked back the way she had come. The chattering kids had all gone their separate ways, and only Cha Yi-hwan remained.

Leaning against the fountain, he looked down at her intently. His arms were crossed, and he didn’t have a cup of coffee in his hands. That dry, expressionless face, the sharp nose, and the chillingly cynical eyes. It felt very uncomfortable and awkward to stand facing him.

“Am I going to eat you or something?”

“...I just have plans to meet a friend. I’m waiting.”

Five minutes.

She stroked her arms, gazing at the campus shrouded in darkness. Five minutes to endure his waterfall-like gaze, five minutes to endure this discomfort.

Well, since Eun-song liked him and he didn’t know, he probably wouldn’t know her discomfort as a friend either.

“The mistake that happened when we were drunk, no, let’s just pretend it didn’t happen, and let’s go back to how things were, as if nothing happened. I won’t think you were serious. I can’t handle this awkwardness, it’s not my style.”

She said, meeting his eyes over his chest. She was serious when she said she wouldn’t think what he had said was serious. The man, still standing diagonally with his arms crossed, had his gaze fixed on her.

It felt strange to just share time and space like this, exchanging glances without saying anything. Lost in the moment, their eyes met in a complicated tangle like intertwined threads, when Eun-song appeared from behind the fountain.

Startled, she took a step back from him. Seeing Eun-song’s close smile, she felt sorry. Nothing had happened that night or just now, they weren’t close enough to define their relationship, yet guilt sprouted and grew like an unkillable weed.

“Ah... Eun-song-ah, give me my materials.”

“Huh?”

“The materials you were going to give me.”

Eun-song, understanding her words, roughly opened her bag and handed over a booklet. Yeon didn’t even look at what she had received and turned around right then and there. Without looking back, she walked away from the fountain. Forgetting her aching feet, she focused on getting as far away as possible.

Anyway, that senior just makes people uncomfortable by saying strange things for no reason.

She walked non-stop until she was out of sight of the fountain. Holding a booklet of some kind in one hand. Even though she knew she had reached the main gate, she couldn’t stop.

When the sound of approaching footsteps from behind stopped in front of her, Yeon was surprised and dropped what she was holding. Cha Yi-hwan, bending down to pick up the booklet and hand it to her, was breathing a little unevenly.

“Wha-what is it?”

“Walk slowly.” “Pardon?” “Walk slowly if you don’t want your foot to get mangled.” Yeon followed his gaze, which was directed downwards, and lowered her eyes to the ground. Her heel was a mess with blood. Only then did she wince at the pressure she felt on her little toe. But if he was here now... Unknowingly, Yeon whipped around to face the fountain. A composed but sharp voice flew at her from behind, leaving Yeon feeling completely exposed. “Stop trying to involve my friend.” “...Senior.” “Did I look like I had feelings for her in your eyes?” His words revealed that what she had been doing for almost a year had been futile. She felt sorry and embarrassed that what she and Eun-song had thought was a natural attempt at helping had been unpleasant for him. He might have felt it was like childish pranks played behind his back. That was never her intention, but the conclusion was that it had been arbitrary, regardless of his feelings... “Stop doing such nonsense.” He handed her the crumpled booklet, his voice a bit weary. He pressed his temples with one hand and then released them. “I understand you don’t want to be with me, whether it’s an affair or whatever.” “......” “I don’t know what to do about this either.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.” Her eyes, lowered in apology, caught on the tips of his shoes. She felt sorry towards Eun-song and towards him, towards both of them. She should have been more serious. She should have been more careful. She should have known that it could hurt either of them. Yeon hung her head in guilt. “Answer.” At the low voice that suddenly fell from above, Yeon, who had been looking at the tips of his shoes with complicated feelings, lifted her head, which felt heavy with thoughts, to look at the man. She saw his prominent Adam’s apple and his sharp jawline that looked almost sensitive, and above that, his eyes and gaze were intricately intertwined, directed at her. “It wasn’t nothing. And it definitely wasn’t a mistake.” Yeon was stunned by his words and couldn’t even blink. “Sincere...” “......” “Yeah. Don’t have an affair. That wasn’t sincere.” “......” “I’ll be the bad guy, so don’t do such things.” Yi-hwan’s eyelids, which had been looking at Yeon, closed tightly and then opened with difficulty, and his hand, which had been shaking his shoulder, grabbed Yeon’s shoulder. Unlike his rough words and actions, his warm hand felt desperate, as if yearning for something. “How much do you know about that guy...?” Before she could be surprised by the sudden skinship, her eyes widened at the warm body temperature that reached her, and the man, taking his hand away and placing it on his waist, wiped his eyes with his remaining palm. The long fingers with neat fingernails were subtly trembling. “Senior, are you sick somewhere? You seem to have a fever...” Bang! The sound of a car horn blared. The man got out of the driver’s seat of a familiar car parked in front of the main gate. Hyun-woo, smiling as he leaned against the car, was waiting for her. It was late, but students were still passing by the main gate. Students living in the dorms were walking towards the campus in groups of twos and threes. His chest, broad but somehow looking strained, rose and fell heavily as he faced away from Hyun-woo. The man, looking puzzled as to why she wasn’t coming, straightened up from leaning against the car. Yeon tightly clutched the booklet Yi-hwan had given her and brushed past him. As she got closer, Hyun-woo, who had opened the passenger door, grabbed Yeon’s shoulder. “Get in. My meeting ended earlier than expected today, so I came.” Leaving Yi-hwan, who was still standing precariously in the same spot, the car quickly passed through the main gate and out of the school. “What happened? You don’t look good. And what’s that you’re holding?” “It’s nothing much.” “That doesn’t look like a ‘nothing much’ face.” “I’m just not feeling very well.” She didn’t know why she felt so uneasy. She shook her head, trying to forget the eyes that made her feel so guilty. It was an indescribable discomfort, like an impacted wisdom tooth that couldn’t be pulled. No, rather than discomfort, it felt like she was suffering from an inexplicable toothache. A pain that made her head throb and even her chest ache. When she took off her shoes, the spot where her heel had been rubbed raw stung. “You don’t feel well because you’re wearing those shoes. Your feet are such a sensitive area.” The man took out a band-aid from the center console box and held it out to her. Yeon put the band-aid on the spot where she was bleeding. It still hurt. It was strange.

________________________________________

Senior Cha Yi-hwan didn’t come to the club meeting.

Eun-song looked unwell. She had heard from a member in the same business administration department as Yi-hwan that he couldn’t attend class today due to a cold.

“Wow, I don’t think Senior has ever missed school due to illness since he started, right? Even if he did beat someone up so they couldn’t come.”

“Senior’s friend said he has a high fever and is completely knocked out. Well, they did say it was probably just a hangover.”

“Nah, Senior is someone who can walk perfectly fine the next day no matter how drunk he gets. A hangover? That doesn’t sound right at all. And he doesn’t have time to get a hangover, that senior.”

“I guess not. Or maybe it’s lovesickness?”

Puhahaha. Someone clutched their stomach and laughed, saying it was the funniest thing they had heard all year.

Amidst all that, only Yeon and Eun-song remained silent.

The club meeting was once a week. If they didn’t see him today, they wouldn’t have a chance to see his face for a week. That evening, his face had looked like he was enduring a lot of pain, but there was no way to check on him. The guilt of just leaving him there tormented Yeon.

“Seowon Children’s Welfare Center is next Saturday. It’s cutting it close with the final exam period, but it’s the last volunteer activity of the second semester, so I hope everyone can participate if possible. I’ll buy everyone drinks afterwards.”

“Oh, is the club president finally doing something worthwhile?”

Eun-song didn’t say a single word throughout the meeting and kept her mouth shut. Yeon, who unintentionally felt guilty towards Eun-song as well, couldn’t easily strike up a conversation. She left the club room with Eun-song, whose shoulders were slumped, and headed towards the library. They passed the problematic fountain.

“Eun-song-ah, why aren’t you saying anything?”

Eun-song, who had been walking with her eyes fixed on the ground like drooping willow leaves, stopped in her tracks.

With tearful eyes, she suddenly grabbed Yeon’s wrist, buried her forehead in Yeon’s chest, and remained silent for a while.

“I didn’t know I liked Senior this much. I thought even if I got rejected, that would be it. But now that I know he likes someone else, my heart hurts so much. What should I do? What do I do, Yeon-ah?”

In the end, all Yeon could do was gently place her hand on Eun-song’s back as she sobbed uncontrollably.

The curious gazes of passing students turned towards them, but Eun-song, overwhelmed with sadness, burst into loud sobs. The usually cheerful Eun-song, who had been suffering from her first unrequited love for almost a year, had become an endlessly fragile girl.

“What do I do, Yeon-ah? What do I do? What do I do?”

Yeon hugged Eun-song, who kept repeating the unanswered questions, with a feeling of atonement. What should I do, Eun-song-ah? What should I do? They comforted each other while barely holding onto the desire to sink into the ground.

“But I still can’t give up. I can’t give up, Yeon-ah. I feel like I’m going to die. Please help me, Yeon-ah, please.”

Yeon couldn’t say anything to Eun-song, who was collapsing in tears.

It felt like she was saying, please move away from Cha Yi-hwan. Please don’t approach him. Please reject that man more coldly.

“Yeon-ssi, please come into the examination room.”

Called by her name, she rose as if waking from a dream. A distinguished-looking woman who came out of the examination room passed by Yeon, her heels clicking.

Entering the space the woman had left, Yeon saw Hyun-woo with his horn-rimmed glasses and a businesslike expression. He took off his glasses and rubbed his somewhat tired face, letting out a small sigh.

“Yeon-ah.”

“I’m sorry for coming to the hospital without saying anything.”

“Didn’t I tell you to meet me outside as much as possible? This is my professional...”

“I know you’re busy, and I know we’re meeting in secret, but can’t you just stay with me for a bit?”

He had called her emotional. She thought she acted more rationally than anyone else, but in front of him, she became a young girl invariably swayed by her emotions.

“You could have at least asked why I wasn’t feeling good first.”

At her unusually agitated voice, Hyun-woo wordlessly offered her a chair. The man, who looked as tired as she did, handed her a cup of warm jujube tea.

“Calm down and drink this.”

Yeon buried her face in her hands, suppressing her breath so that no one outside the examination room could hear. She took deep breaths, worried that a nurse might come in, suspecting something was wrong with the examination room.

“Why do I have to hide? Because I’m a young girlfriend, and bad rumors might circulate about both of us? Or is it because of the guilt I feel towards my mom, who is also your legal representative, thankfully?”

She instantly sensed the strange atmosphere that was different from before.

The man hesitated to answer. She knew he had reached the end of a wall he could no longer retreat from. Why was she only now realizing that there was something more?

“...The woman who just left, she’s the hospital director’s wife from Hanseong Hospital. She’s considering me as a prospective son-in-law.”

The heart that had been boiling with heat instantly froze over because of the unexpected confession.

“Don’t misunderstand. I was going to tell you. Even if I get married, nothing will change between us. That’s just a shell, and you’re the only one who matters to me. You’re the only one who moves my heart. The only son of three generations, a woman chosen by my family, those are just shells. It’s only you. Even if I get married, nothing will change between us, Yeon-ah. That woman, she’s nothing to you. She won’t be an obstacle between us. You just have to trust me and follow me as always.”

The man’s confession, which had started calmly, had turned into a plea.

“Are you telling me... to have an affair?”

Crushed by the successive shocks, she became calmer than ever. Perhaps a defense mechanism had kicked in, preventing her from being dragged into the abyss by the shock. Her heart beat rapidly, as if being pounded, but she clenched her fists tightly to avoid getting agitated.

“Were you meeting that woman behind my back?”

“...I had a blind date. I told you, nothing will change between us. You’re still young, so it might be hard for you to understand. But things between families aren’t that simple in reality. That woman is just a marriage prospect, and nothing will change for us...”

A knock sounded behind the man who was urgently grabbing her shoulders. At the sound, Hyun-woo, who had let go of Yeon, readjusted the horn-rimmed glasses he had placed on the desk.

“Doctor, a guest has arrived.”

At the nurse’s voice from outside the door, Yeon abruptly opened the examination room door. She passed the surprised nurse and came out of the examination room. She passed a long-haired woman standing in front of the examination room and got into the elevator. The faint scent of freesia spread in the elevator.

Her head spun with dizziness, and she grabbed the handrail. The deeper the sincerity, the deeper the wound.

Inside her bag, her phone kept ringing incessantly, urging her to answer.