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◎Past Life · Revisited◎
In the fifteenth year of Yongning, the Ranzhu Case erupted.
Incense spiraled upward from a glass Boshan censer, its white smoke forming various shapes in the air. The main hall door was slightly ajar, and with a gust, the smoke dispersed.
Zhou Tan knelt in Xuande Hall, swallowing the “solitary duck” bestowed by Emperor Song Chang.
The emperor lowered his head, gazing at this young minister with complex emotions, and asked, “Do you have any other requests?”
Zhou Tan bowed his head in thought for a moment before replying, “I have an engagement with the daughter of the Qu family. I request Your Majesty to grant us permission to marry.”
By bringing it up, he was essentially exposing a vulnerability. Emperor Song Chang nodded in satisfaction. “As you wish.”
“However—”
He drew out his tone. “Your reputation is not favorable now. It would be inappropriate for your father-in-law to remain in office.”
Zhou Tan closed his eyes and kowtowed. “Yes.”
He had enough time after leaving prison to save the Qu family. Although his current reputation made marriage unadvisable, the Qu family had an existing but unconsummated engagement with him. If he didn’t protect them, Qu Cheng might face harsher punishment than others.
Just as he left the palace, he went to pay a visit, coinciding with the funeral of Lady Qu.
Under a tree of pristine apricot blossoms, he saw his betrothed for the first time.
She was beautiful—dressed in plain white hemp, her long black hair tied up with a ribbon. Standing amidst the apricot blossoms, she blended seamlessly with the world’s whiteness, like a delicate new snowflake that could be exhaled away.
Beautiful, transparent, fragile.
When Gu Zhiyan had chosen this marriage for him, he proudly told Zhou Tan that he would surely like his future wife.
Reading her poetry, he felt genuinely pleased.
Though the formal proposal wasn’t due until late spring, he couldn’t wait and sent two jugs of homemade apricot wine during the New Year.
The lady’s maid returned with a token of a double knot.
He recalled her name—Jia Yi, a beautiful wish.
But things too beautiful always slip away.
She turned around, slightly surprised, seemingly pondering who he was. When her gaze fell on his injuries, realization dawned. She slowly approached and curtsied. “Lord Zhou.”
Apricot petals fell on her shoulders. He had nothing to say and could only murmur, “My condolences.”
She lowered her eyes, her lashes trembling slightly. He took a step closer and said, “I’ve already requested the Emperor’s permission for our marriage. After your mother’s affairs are settled, we will wed… I’ll rescue your father. Rest assured.”
She politely replied, “If it troubles you, my lord…”
“It doesn’t trouble me.”
After Qu Cheng was released from prison, he flew into a rage, declaring that he’d rather die in jail than receive help from such a treacherous man. When Zhou Tan came to present the betrothal gifts, Qu Cheng threw a porcelain cup at his temple, leaving a bruise that hadn’t faded even on their wedding night.
With his tarnished reputation, few guests attended, and he retreated to the bridal chamber without much ado. The bride gently moved aside her fan, revealing a beautiful face under the dim red candlelight.
Zhou Tan lowered his eyes, speaking courteously with a hint of bitterness, “Rest well. I…”
Before he finished, her cool fingers brushed against the bruise on his temple.
He heard her ask, “Does it hurt?”
Two simple words, yet he hadn’t heard them in so long.
For some reason, Zhou Tan suddenly felt deeply aggrieved. He fought back the sting in his nose, but his eyes welled up with tears. He nodded, then shook his head.
After a long while, he managed to choke out, “If we don’t marry, the Emperor might take his anger out on you… Now that Master Qu has been released, if you’re unwilling, I’ll write a letter of separation. After some time…”
“Who said I’m unwilling?”
She spoke these words, cheeks flushing slightly. She retrieved ointment from the bedside and gently applied it to his wound. “Father is the most upright person. He misunderstood you as a villain, and it’s hard for him to change his mind immediately. I apologize. After some time, I’ll go back and persuade him…”
He was overwhelmed by a profound sense of emptiness and confusion. His lips trembled as he asked, “You… believe I’m not a villain?”
She appeared slightly surprised, then continued carefully applying the ointment, shaking her head.
“You are a good person.”
Once the ointment was applied, the red candle sputtered with a flame. He trembled, unable to speak. Finally, she sighed softly and smiled. “Today is our wedding day, marking a fresh start. I don’t like my current name. Husband… can you give me a new one?”
Zhou Tan sat at the desk, dipped his brush in newly ground ink, and cautiously asked, “What are your wishes, my lady?”
Her eyes brightened momentarily, then dimmed. After contemplation, she said, “I read many books in my boudoir days and truly wanted to see the vast lands with my own eyes… Unfortunately, I’ve been frail since childhood. Mother said I couldn’t travel far. If I could be a butterfly, a lone crane… never mind, living beings have their own sufferings. I won’t be greedy. Just a speck of dust, riding the wind, roaming freely among the clouds… Even if I lived but a day, I’d feel infinitely free.”
Zhou Tan neatly wrote the character “悠” (Yōu) on a sheet of paper.
“My lady, what you seek, I too have thought of,” he murmured. “But I am not yet worthy. I cannot achieve universal praise without encouragement or universal criticism without discouragement. My spirit is not yet free, let alone my mortal body. I can only entrust my feelings to a cloud.”
She picked up the paper. “A cloud drifts away leisurely. You are Xiaobai, and I am Yoyo… Very fitting. I like this name.”
“But…” she shifted her tone, “My nickname is Yilian. Husband, call me A Lian. That’s what Mother called me.”
“Alright.”
Zhou Tan was momentarily stunned. He removed the jade thumb ring his teacher had left him, which he had never taken off, and presented it to her. “Teacher said this should be given to the most important person in my life.”
She accepted it, sat at the desk, and took a small pair of scissors to cut their hair as part of the marital ritual. Then, she extinguished the candle.
From then on, whenever Zhou Tan returned, a lantern would be lit at the entrance of the Songfeng Pavilion.
The rear garden was dark, and having just moved in, he often struggled to see clearly at night. Now, with a bright lantern as a guide, though faint, it illuminated his heart like daylight.
His newlywed wife treated him with utmost respect, like equals raising a tray together.
Such a good thing, he had never dared to dream of it.
But he wasn’t lucky enough. The peaceful days didn’t last long before turmoil arose again.
During the Ranzhu Case, the Ren family, where he had stayed, was implicated. Afterwards, he sold his assets to rescue his kind uncle and aunt from prison, bringing them home to recuperate.
Unexpectedly, Ren Shiming, during the autumn imperial examination, was stripped from the top rank due to Zhou Tan’s infamous reputation.
Kneeling before the ancestral hall, Zhou Tan saw Ren Shiming with red eyes, not crying, but instead consoling him. “Brother, don’t be sad. This isn’t your fault. Without taking the imperial exams, I can still live well.”
Fortunately, Zhou Yang had joined the army before the Ranzhu Case; otherwise, he might have faced further entanglement.
He understood this was Fu Qingnian’s doing.
And so, he still walked into that small courtyard where the wind dwells.
Qu You had no idea what he was busy with; she only noticed that he grew thinner and more haggard with each passing day. Though her knowledge was limited, all she could do was bring him a bowl of clear porridge at night.
In the end, he was simply too soft-hearted and too young. Even though he fought bitterly against Fu Qingnian, once his opponent seized upon any weak point, he was rendered powerless.
The Ren family estate emptied out. Ren Ping fell victim to an unknown assassination, and Auntie took Ren Shiming back to Jinling.
A shocking case erupted in Bian Capital. Emperor Song Chang, misled by Fu Qingnian, pinned the blame on an innocent scholar who had been Qu Cheng’s classmate. In the end, Qu Cheng was implicated and exiled.
Zhou Tan tried his best to care for them, but his enemies found joy in tormenting him. The more he tried to protect, the more they sought to take away.
Qu You once again donned white mourning attire.
He knelt before the flickering candlelight in the ancestral hall, nearly unable to rise. His fingers clutched the coarse prayer mat until they bled.
“All because of me…”
“Because I am too weak, too incompetent. Despite my efforts to care for those I love, in the end, I could do nothing… If I had known this would happen, I should never have drawn close to them, never shown them care. Even if they became strangers to me, as long as they were safe, as long as they were safe.”
“A Lian, it’s all my fault.”
Qu You wiped away her tears and heard his voice filled with self-reproach.
“I’ve ruined you, ruined your father... Someone like me shouldn’t have married in the first place.”
She held the trembling, helpless Zhou Tan tightly in her arms.
“It’s not Xiaobai’s fault.”
“The laws are unjust, heaven is unfair, allowing evil ministers to run rampant and harm good officials... If people want to harm you, there will always be countless reasons and means to do so. How can one prevent every single one? It’s not Xiaobai’s fault...”
As she spoke, her tears fell drop by drop onto Zhou Tan’s neck, scalding hot.
He clung to her tightly, sobbing uncontrollably.
“Tán swears, I will avenge today’s wrongs... I will personally kill Chancellor Fu, using all the strength I have left in life, to restore clarity and justice to the imperial court, to enact strict and fair laws. This vow I make will surely be fulfilled!”
She didn’t know what happened afterward.
Fu Qingnian died mysteriously, and Zhou Tan was demoted and sent to Ruozhou.
She was overjoyed as she packed their belongings and prepared the household.
“We can finally go see the world together!”
“I want to watch the sunset and sunrise from the high walls on the frontier, every single day, with you... I want to see Mingsha Mountain, Crescent Spring, the setting sun over the endless river, and the lonely smoke rising from ruins.”
Before leaving, Qu You went to Xiugqing Temple to pray.
On the day she visited, unfortunately, the sky was gloomy, and it started snowing right after entering the temple gates. Her maid hurriedly draped a thick cloak over her.
She coughed into her handkerchief and saw a vivid spot of blood slowly spreading across it.
She knew that she probably wouldn’t get the chance to see Mingsha Mountain or Crescent Spring.
Ever since her father was imprisoned and her mother passed away, she had managed both internal and external affairs, and her health deteriorated increasingly. Later, upon hearing the sudden news of her father’s death and worrying about Zhou Tan day and night, her condition worsened further, and she couldn’t do without medicine every day.
She had long heard from Gao Yunyue that the temples on Tingshan, especially Xiugqing Temple, were miraculous, but she had never found the time to visit.
The golden statue of Buddha looked down at her with lowered eyes. She burned incense, then suddenly remembered her conversation with Zhou Tan before leaving.
Have you ever been to Xiugqing Temple?
No, but I’ve been to a temple in Lin’an. When I was fourteen, I spent a fortune burning two “everything goes smoothly” incense sticks to pray.
Did… did it have any effect?
Hmm, it made me realize that praying to gods is useless, which is also a significant realization.
Qu You couldn’t help but smile, yet she still bowed respectfully to Buddha and closed her eyes to pray.
She thought of many things.
She wished for her health to improve so she could accompany Zhou Tan to see the vast world; she wished for a clear and just imperial court, fair laws, and for Zhou Tan’s ambitions to be realized, leaving a name in history.
She wished to become someone who could help him, at least someone who could understand the compassion in his sighs and the gravity in his gaze.
After much deliberation, she finally voiced: “I hope to stay with my husband a little longer, a little longer.”
“I hope to attain true freedom... To see his appearance in historical books a hundred years later, a thousand years later, to witness whether this land has changed even slightly due to his efforts.”
At the beginning of March, Zhou Tan and she embarked on the long journey to Ruozhou.
Qu You felt that Zhou Tan had probably long seen through her pretense, but since she didn’t speak up, he didn’t point it out either. They deceived themselves, pretending not to notice her pallor and emaciation, but every day he personally fed her medicine.
They traveled on the road for a very long time.
One day, they finally caught sight of the city walls of Ruozhou. She struggled to get out and sat with him on the carriage tracks.
Though it was already April, it snowed at the border.
She gazed at the tall black city walls, nestled in Zhou Tan’s arms, happily saying, “The sun we see from these city walls must be more beautiful than the one in Bian Capital.”
Zhou Tan didn’t respond.
She continued speaking on her own: “Xiaobai, do you know? For me, you are like a wooden boat... If the Way cannot be practiced, let us drift on the sea. No matter when, no matter where, as long as I close my eyes, I can drift with you in the vast ocean.”
“Don’t be sad... Year after year, like migratory swallows, drifting across the sea, coming to rest on long beams. My lord... don’t dwell on worldly matters, stay close to the wine cup.”
But this weary, sickly traveler of Jiangnan can no longer bear the sound of urgent pipes and strings.
“You are...” Zhou Tan’s voice trembled greatly, taking a long time to continue, “the only rare beauty in this snowy expanse.”
The tiniest glimmer of hope he had painstakingly clawed his way through the pitch-black snowy night to obtain.
Few appreciate lofty ideals.
Bright as the clear day.
With her last ounce of strength, Qu You curved her lips into a smile: “Is that so?”
She closed her eyes and softly said, “I must leave first... I’ll go ahead to the cycle of rebirth to pave the way for you, to feel true freedom. I’ll go a hundred years later, a thousand years later, to see the stories about us in legends and historical books, to see if your vows have come true...”
“Alright,” Zhou Tan replied with a faint smile. Snowflakes landed on his eyelashes, melting instantly. It was unclear whether the drops falling were snowmelt or tears. “Remember to come back and tell me.”
“Certainly, certainly.”
Zhou Tan tightened his arms. The city walls cast dark shadows in his eyes: “In the next life, don’t fall ill anymore... I’m willing to endure illness and die young in your stead.”
She didn’t try to stop him, lacking the strength.
“Then I’m willing to exhaust myself for you, until death.”
She didn’t know if he heard her.
“Beside the banquet hall... prepare a mat and pillow first, let me... sleep when drunk.”
In her daze, she felt herself truly transform into a butterfly—Zhuangzi’s butterfly—because she no longer knew whether this was a dream or reality.
She floated gently away from this body to catch a glimpse of the ensuing years.
Zhou Tan returned to the capital from Ruozhou, personally slaying the deposed crown prince and aiding Emperor Ming to ascend the throne.
He began the arduous task of legal reform, revising the articles multiple times.
Rumors spread, accusing him of flattering and deceiving the emperor.
Emperor Ming grew suspicious. After being dismissed from his post twice, Zhou Tan emerged from the imperial prison battered and bruised, returning alone to Lin’an.
Passing by Qingxi, he wrote a poem of mourning.
New rain washes Qingxi clean, Drifting farewell clothes of the past.
Passing by the outskirts along the Qingxi River, another light spring rain falls. I leave Bian Capital alone, like a drifting boat, able only to offer old garments by the riverside in memory of the departed.
Wood withers, revealing bones; Snow melts, renewing the world.
When the grass and trees wither, I recall the day I buried you with my own hands. Now your fragrant soul has departed, leaving only bones behind. The heavy snow is about to melt, and I, like snow, will depart. Once I leave here, the entire world will be renewed.
All fleeting, born and dying in an instant.
Zhou Tan died beneath the apricot tree in his old residence in Lin’an, still clutching the white jade thumb ring in his hand.
“If there is a next life...”
“Don’t meet me again, don’t fall in love with me again.”
“I will distance myself from everything I love, as long as you are safe and well. Even in death, I will have no regrets.”
They merely loved each other quietly in this difficult human world, their greatest wish merely to face every snowfall together.
But snow falling in March never lasts more than a night, quickly evaporating away, turning into the next rain in the human world.
Coming and going, leaving no trace, a tea millet flower event concludes.
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