05. Variable

“Oh, Officer Jung!”

“What’s up? You’re here early?”

“Don’t even get me started. I was up all night with morning sickness, but smelling this coffee makes it all go away, you know?”

“But you said coffee’s not good for you.”

“Just one cup a day is okay now, they said.”

Eun-song, pregnant and cradling her swollen belly, swirled the ice in her drink. Over the past five years, Eun-song had met her partner and was carrying the child of the man she would spend her life with. She joked that having the baby before the wedding was a sin, but she still wore a voluminous wedding dress with a happy face.

Except for her face, which had matured a bit, the two women hadn’t changed much and still met occasionally like this, sharing their everyday lives. They kept what had happened back then buried in their memories, silently.

“What are you looking at? What, you gonna arrest me again?”

A man who had become even more mature than back then. His voice, when he had held her hand, echoed in her ears like tinnitus. She rubbed the mug cup with a faint lipstick stain on it, as if trying to erase his traces from her mind.

Even while returning in the car with her colleagues after a joint operation, that man had stood in that spot. For some reason, she remembered that day when she had left him, his body hot with a fever she couldn’t explain, and her heart ached for no reason.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been like that since earlier. Did something happen?”

“No, nothing.”

“Oh, right, Myung-hyun came to the alumni meeting the other day. He said you couldn’t come because you had night duty. It was just your luck to have night duty on the exact day of the alumni meeting.”

“I know. I told him to go alone.”

“Who would have known you two would end up dating like this? He was so immature when he was in our school. It’s no wonder you didn’t give him a second glance back then. But how did you two end up meeting at my wedding? I’m so glad I introduced you to that doctor...”

Meeting an old friend was sometimes like looking into her own painful past. It was a time when things shone brightly, but for Yeon, it was also a time filled with pain. As she held the mug below until the coffee became lukewarm, Eun-song didn’t press the issue further.

“Have another cup, something warm. My treat.”

“It’s okay. It tastes good even lukewarm.”

“What’s good about coffee that’s completely cold? I’ve felt this way for a while, but sometimes when I see you, I feel like you’re really different from the rest of us. Even when things are hard, you don’t say anything, you don’t show it.”

“I guess I matured early because my dad passed away young.”

“Yaah...”

As she chuckled at Eun-song’s eyebrows that drooped in a look of apology again, Eun-song finally smiled, her face relaxing. Eun-song then launched into a passionate explanation of everything that had happened at her in-laws’ house.

She complained about how her brother-in-law could be like that, how annoying her nephew was, and even badmouthed her mother-in-law. As someone who was unmarried, Yeon thought that patting her tired shoulder was a better way to comfort her than offering deep empathy.

Still, seeing Eun-song’s face light up when she talked about her husband, as if nothing had happened, made Yeon feel envious. A person she loved and that person’s child. When did they become old enough to have such realistic worries? The incident from the past was as if it had never happened between them; the two women lived in the present like that.

“Don’t you think about getting married? With Myung-hyun, I mean.”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Well, it’ll probably take a bit longer for Myung-hyun to settle down as a professor. Don’t get tied down too early like me. It’s actually best to date for a long time before getting married. I got married without even having a casual fling. It’s unfair. Hey, don’t laugh. I’m serious.”

“The baby in your belly will hear you.”

“I know. I should have whispered.”

Still, meeting Eun-song was enjoyable as always.

After parting with Eun-song, who had left saying it was time for her husband to come home from work, Yeon slowly exited the cafe. It was her day off, but Myung-hyun would be in class. He had a tutoring session this afternoon, so should she go see his face for a bit? He would be surprised if she suddenly showed up at school, just like Hyun-woo had been.

Had she still not escaped Hyun-woo’s traces? No, she needed to shake it off. Yeon shook her head and got into the approaching taxi.

The school, which she visited after a long time, was still the same. The same campus, the same fountain, the same school she had diligently attended with Eun-song. Actually, she hadn’t met Myung-hyun at school many times while they had been dating. Perhaps it was natural, since it was a space where they both led public lives.

Meeting in a more private space felt comfortable. He planned to finish his doctoral program at his alma mater and then immediately apply for a professorship at this school. So, for him, the school was as good as a future workplace.

She hesitated to call, wondering if he was in class, so she left a text message and walked towards the building. The weather was hot, and beads of sweat formed on her forehead. If it was this hot already, how would she get through the middle of summer? She roughly pulled out a pamphlet from her bag as she could grab it and fanned herself.

As she walked around the fountain, she saw a familiar face on a bench under a tree with lush green foliage. It was Myung-hyun. And next to him was a face that looked very familiar. That student Myung-hyun tutored.

Had she come all the way here to see Myung-hyun? Tutoring was in the afternoon, starting after sunset. What reason could there be to meet at a time that wasn’t tutoring hours? His face, as he chatted casually, was smiling.

He got along with people easily without any reservations, which was different from Yeon’s personality. While she made deep and narrow friendships with anyone and was cautious in her relationships, he became friends with anyone easily after meeting them once.

At first, she had been drawn to his personality, which was the complete opposite of hers. Because he had approached Yeon so warmly and opened her heart. The very aspect of him that had attracted her became a source of anxiety the moment it became the start of their relationship and the foundation of their dating.

He often had drinking parties with his friends, and of course, there were women among them. He would simply say they were just friends, asking if she couldn’t even understand that much, but she couldn’t possibly feel good about it.

A woman he met to write a paper together, a woman he did assignments with one-on-one—it felt pathetic and sad to bring up even such detailed relationships. She had no choice but to trust him. That’s what dating was like. They had to trust each other.

But she kept feeling uneasy. She felt anxious about him often being out of contact all day, and suspicious about his words and actions that were strangely inconsistent. She couldn’t deny that this anxiety stemmed from the scars left by a painful past relationship. Perhaps she was being too sensitive...

She had to become a generous person again. Realistic dating brought realistic problems. They had fought so much over those problems. In the end, these issues stemming from personality differences were problems that couldn’t be resolved. It was because she only tried countless times to understand him, but never truly accepted him from the heart.

“Teacher, is that real? Wow.”

“Want more coffee?”

“Come on, you’re just telling me to study late today, aren’t you?”

“Did you notice? You have to study hard to get into this school without retaking the entrance exam three times. You’re really suited to retaking it, aren’t you?”

“Tch. If I get in, you’ll hang out with me, right?”

“First, try getting in. Oh, give it here. Teacher will wipe it for you. Is it hot?”

“It’s okay... It’s not that hot.”

The tutoring teacher kindly wiped the coffee from the back of her hand and held her hand. Should she just understand and move on again this time? Just because they were close, so he was just being kind. Was this another situation where her understanding was needed?

She couldn’t help but remember the last time, on his birthday, when she couldn’t reach him until almost dawn, and he said he couldn’t contact her because he was busy. How could she not think of this scene even after seeing that...?

“Teacher, so we’ll be going to the same school?”

“Yeah.”

Myung-hyun, wiping the coffee from the girl’s lips, moved towards her lips. Close enough for their lips to touch if things went wrong, a subtle breath passing between them, the girl’s hand gently overlapping his as he wiped her lower lip.

The girl’s trembling voice calling him, “Teacher...” She couldn’t possibly not recognize that voice. The unmistakable sound of a girl in love, trembling with affection.

Why was she so lonely? Why did she feel like she was alone even when she was with him, Myung-hyun?

“...Oh, Ye, Yeon-ah!”

Myung-hyun, who had been quietly facing the girl’s face, discovered her and was startled, his eyes widening like a rabbit’s.

The girl, whose eyes had also widened, looked back and forth between Myung-hyun and Yeon. Yeon didn’t turn back at Myung-hyun’s call and retraced her steps. As she walked quickly down the campus, he followed, panting roughly as he tried to stop her. The main gate wasn’t far away.

She remembered that day five years ago. Cha Yi-hwan had stood before her like this too.

“I get that you don’t want to cheat or whatever, but I know you don’t want to be with me.”

“I don’t know what to do about this either. It wasn’t nothing. It definitely wasn’t a mistake.”

“Sincerely...”

“Yeah. Don’t cheat. That wasn’t sincere.”

“I’ll be the bad guy, so don’t you do such a thing.”

Why was Cha Yi-hwan coming to mind? In the end, he had left her without a word too. Why were that voice and those eyes that had sounded so sincere coming to mind?

“Yeon-ah, you should have told me you were coming.”

“If I had, you wouldn’t have brought that girl.”

“I told you back then, she’s just a student I tutor. You know that well.”

Someone else came to mind. He had said that woman was just someone his family had introduced him to for a blind date.

“Yeah, right.”

“Please don’t misunderstand. I’ll really go crazy if you just leave like this.”

“So, this time too, I have to understand your wide circle of friends. Just like I’ve always understood you and let things go.”

“Yeon-ah.”

“She looks surprised, you should comfort her. You’re good at that, aren’t you?”

Yeon ran out of the main gate almost as if fleeing and hailed a taxi. Myung-hyun couldn’t approach further and stood there looking back and forth between Yeon and the girl, who stood with a frightened expression. Myung-hyun, looking like he was going crazy, ran his hands down his face and belatedly ran towards the taxi, but the car had already started.

Yeon ignored her phone, which was ringing madly.

________________________________________

Originally, the first wound was always the most painful. Having already gone through many incidents and situations in two previous relationships, everything felt numb to her stabbed heart, more so than she had expected.

She woke up early, went to work, drank her morning coffee indifferently, and worked her morning shift. She ate lunch and chatted with her colleagues as usual. The occasional throbbing in a corner of her heart was something she could now ignore with a certain degree of flexibility.

Dealing with the many people who flooded the precinct quickly made her forget any stray thoughts. Myung-hyun was one of them. Yeon decided to think that way and focused as much as possible on her work. Fortunately, it was her morning shift, so she left the precinct before it got too late.

Thinking of resting a bit as soon as she got home today, she slung her bag over her shoulder, but her head spun. Every time she squinted, a nasty migraine crept up and tightened around her skull.

Was it because of stress? The food she had eaten earlier hadn’t even digested, and now with a headache on top of that, it was truly grueling.

She rummaged through her bag and took out a painkiller. She remembered that the last pill she had taken was the last one, and sure enough, she held a crushed empty blister pack. She shoved it back into her bag and crossed the crosswalk.

She opened the door of the pharmacy located across from the precinct, bought a painkiller, and took out her wallet when a man strode up next to her and spoke to the pharmacist.

“Give me the same.”

Yeon, holding her wallet, lifted her head at the man’s low voice.

“……!”

The man in a simple shirt with rolled-up sleeves concisely ordered the medicine and handed a bill to the pharmacist.

Her eyes met his as she blankly looked up at the man. For a chance encounter, his eyes looked quite composed, his pupils not showing a hint of agitation. A suspicion as large as a house arose in her.

Was she being overly self-conscious? The probability of him choosing the pharmacy in front of the precinct out of all the many pharmacies in the neighborhood, especially, specifically. It looked suspicious no matter how she looked at it.

As if to confirm her guess, Yi-hwan naturally picked up Yeon’s slipping bag. The bag, which had been hanging on her shoulder, looked small like a toy in his grasp.

She was staring blankly up at him when he had already finished paying, and two identical painkillers were in his hand. Yeon awkwardly held her wallet, which she hadn’t even opened, took one of the pill bottles he offered, and swallowed a pill with water.

Even after swallowing the pill, her thirst wasn’t quenched, so she tilted her head back and gulped down the water. As she wiped the water flowing down her lips with the back of her hand, an intense gaze stuck to her like glue.

She was puzzled by his intentions, coming all the way here just to buy medicine and then staring intently at her, but Yeon roughly shook off her hand and faced the pharmacist.

“My stomach has been upset frequently lately, could it possibly be because of the birth control pills I’m taking? I’m also very drowsy, and the persistent nausea seems related to the side effects.”

“Could you show me the medicine you’re taking?”

Yeon fumbled around her left and right shoulders and realized that her bag was in Yi-hwan’s hand. She reached out her hand to ask for the bag, but the man, still standing with an unreadable expression, didn’t budge. In the end, she took it directly from his hand and opened the bag.

“I’ll give you something a little weaker than this. You know how to take it, right?”

“Yes.”

Her carefully regulated menstrual cycle had been disrupted due to stress. When she was in school, she could take the pills precisely according to the exam schedule, but as a working adult, the unpredictable period pains were overwhelming even for her.

Being the type to react sensitively to medication, she should have taken the weakest one, but she had forgotten, and now her stomach felt nauseous. After a brief consideration, she took the medicine she had paid for, and Cha Yi-hwan, with a stern face, was looking down at her.

“Is there anything else you need to buy?”

She glanced at him and slowly turned to leave, and the tall man followed her out of the pharmacy.

She was about to turn around to look at him standing behind her when her phone buzzed. The calls that had been constantly bothering her since she had parted with Myung-hyun yesterday had finally led to annoyance.

He, who had demanded her generous understanding even while frequently being out of contact as if it were as natural as eating, had completely disappeared, and now sharp texts flew in asking why she wasn’t answering the phone.

She put her phone back in her pocket and turned around abruptly, almost colliding with Cha Yi-hwan, who stood there like a life-size advertisement board. Hadn’t she almost buried her face in his chest?

Startled, she sharply raised her head. The mouth that was about to protest closed again because she had briefly read the desolation contained in his stern expression. Why on earth. Were those miserably collapsed pupils under his slanted eyes directed at her?

Panic came without warning. Just like five years ago, when he had suddenly approached her asking to have an affair.

The area around her eyes flushed red as if she was angry. An inexplicable heat swirled around Yeon, as if it would devour her.

“Why on earth are you...”

“Pardon?”

Ha. A myriad of emotions were lumped together in her bursting breath. Just a breath, she hadn’t said anything, but it felt exactly like that.

Still, he couldn’t reach out to her carelessly, couldn’t grab her and pull her close. His eyes insistently touched her, yet his body remained still. A trembling that dared not touch, he was afraid to touch her. Just like back then. Like a beast afraid that she would break if he touched her.

Was she mistaken? Well, if he were that kind of man, he wouldn’t have left like that five years ago.

She quietly looked up into the man’s deep eyes and broke the awkward silence.

“Come to think of it, I didn’t even ask properly that day. About that day, are you okay, senior? Even if a third party was involved, it’s unsettling to actually come to the precinct. For most people.”

His eyes, which hadn’t offered a single word of reply to her question, had been fixed on one spot since earlier. Following the fire burning in his eyes despite not being expressed, she quietly lowered her head. Two pill bottles clutched in his hand, painkillers and birth control pills.

She could tell with just one look from the man which one his concern was leaning towards. Yeon hastily put the small pillbox back into her bag, trying not to assign any meaning to his persistent gaze that even felt like a sense of loss.

“Oh, Officer Jung!”

Across the crosswalk, Officer Lee and her fellow police officers discovered Yeon and waved their hands.

“We’re going out for dinner, join us if you’re eating alone.”

She had been planning to head straight home, but without even having the time to hesitate, she glanced at the traffic light that had just changed.

“Well then, I’ll be going, go ahead. Senior.”

She ran across the crosswalk, where the light had changed, towards Officer Lee, but she could still feel the man standing rooted in the same spot.

“What’s this? You never want to have a drink with us no matter what, so what’s going on?”

“Not drinks, dinner. I’m just going to eat dinner and leave.”

The dinner that wasn’t in her plans was a variable she definitely didn’t want. A variable she didn’t even have the time to consider.

________________________________________

Last night, after eating a bowl of gukbap and going home, she had passed out. The sleep she had chosen over Officer Lee’s coaxing to have a drink had lasted until just before work. As she rubbed her swollen eyelids, drinking strong coffee like a tonic, a man strode towards her.

“How did you...”

A man in a shirt stood there. A metal watch and folded shirt sleeves, buttoned up, sharp shirt seams, a man with a sharp impression. Cha Yi-hwan. Forgetting her fatigue, she doubted the silhouette before her eyes. Unless her eyes were mistaken, she was either still not in her right mind from yesterday’s headache, or... it was really Cha Yi-hwan.

“Senior? How did you...”

“Wallet.”

“Pardon?”

“I picked up your wallet.”

“Ah.”

He said he had picked up her wallet and tossed it to her as if throwing it. She stared blankly at the wallet. It was a high-quality wallet that looked expensive at first glance. Yeon picked up the wallet and checked for identification or business cards. But strangely, there was no ID, only a large amount of cash. Usually, wallets lost and brought to the precinct were the opposite. But this wallet was somehow...

“I’ll find the owner for you. Thank you for bringing it.”

The man didn’t leave even after his business was done, leaning casually against a spot where he could see her desk clearly and crossing his legs.

Even though she was usually indifferent, this man’s behavior bothered her somehow. It kept making her glance around, like when you’re concentrating on something and a child is loitering nearby.

Yeon glanced at him and called the credit card company.

“Hello. This is the Hwayeon Precinct. We have a found wallet, and I’m calling to verify identification.”

He didn’t care whether she was on the phone or not, sitting there leaning back and looking this way without a change in expression. Yeon hung up the phone and stood up to approach him.

“Are you kidding me?”

“About what?”

“Take it. This is obstruction of justice. I’m so busy, why are you playing these games?”

“Arrest me, then.”

“What did you say?”

“I obstructed justice, so arrest me. Throw me in jail, put handcuffs on me, whatever.”

Fellow police officers walked by, glancing this way. Officer Lee, who had been sipping his instant coffee, openly observed the two of them.

“Excuse me... Senior, no, Mr. Cha Yi-hwan.”

“Speak.”

Because he was sitting there so confidently, they couldn’t help but be flustered. This was naturally the first time something like this had happened while on duty. She had seen all kinds of complainants and victims, but this...

“Let’s go outside first.”

She whispered, lightly touching his shoulder and then letting go. They had to leave the precinct before Officer Lee stared any harder. She walked out of the precinct first, glancing back at him as he stood up and followed. His long legs caught up to her in a few steps. Yeon walked out of the precinct to a bench in the back.

“What is it, senior?”

“What else? I committed a crime, so arrest me.”

“Talk sense, please. Why are you here?”

“And aren’t you also guilty of a crime? You fucked me so hard, why are you backing out now? You stole my virginity too. Do you have any right to talk big?”

“Wh, when did I...”

Her complexion turned pale as she looked around to see if anyone was listening. His serious brow showed no hint of joking. That’s why she was even more confused.

Just like his feelings for her had been sincere, he had held onto her and then left for a foreign country without a word. He had told Eun-song everything before leaving, yet he had left her without a single word, as if they would never see each other again. Why now?

“I have a boyfriend. He’s a guy I went to school with. I’m still his girlfriend. So, please go back. And don’t come looking for me with such ridiculous excuses. You shouldn’t be out here like this during work hours either. I’m going back inside.”

It was no different from saying goodbye to Myung-hyun, and even though their relationship was over, she couldn’t shake the feeling of being abandoned by Yi-hwan back in college, so she put on a false sense of pride.

She felt resentful. Even though they were nothing to each other, she wanted to argue that they were at least close enough to say a final goodbye before he went abroad, but she didn’t want to make a big deal out of their relationship over just one night of sex.

How pathetic of her to assign such meaning to one night of sex just because their physical chemistry was good, Yeon.

Her hand was grabbed, but Yeon shook off his grip as if pushing him away and hurried back into the precinct.

“Officer Jung, what are you doing? We have an emergency. Backup needed.”

“Yes.”

Yeon got into the patrol car with Officer Lee. She deliberately didn’t even glance in his direction. She grabbed the radio without looking back, not knowing if he was still standing there or had left.

Even after her shift ended, she lingered unnecessarily at the precinct, so her departure was later than usual. As she climbed the stairs of her villa, feeling exhausted, she saw a large man crouching in front of her door. Myung-hyun, noticing her presence, abruptly stood up.

“Yeon-ah.”

His staggering body was already under the influence of alcohol.

“Why haven’t you been answering your phone? I even came yesterday, but you wouldn’t even open the door.”

“Myung-hyun-ah.”

“I didn’t want to fight with you about this anymore. We’re just...”

“I know. It’s just that you and I have different personalities. I still don’t understand you, and you want me to understand you.”

Last time too, late at night, she had found him affectionately alone with her in front of his house. They both smelled of alcohol. He had explained that they had just had a drink together after tutoring, and that was all, so she had tried to understand and let it go.

They had been holding hands, their fingers intertwined, and he had said it was to support the staggering girl. She had tried to understand him. It was before he left for the seminar.

“But I can’t do this anymore. No matter how much I try to understand you, I can’t go beyond this. I’m miserable right now, Myung-hyun-ah.”

“I’ll explain everything.”

All the moments she had constantly tried to reassure herself that she was being too sensitive were actually miserable.

“Myung-hyun-ah, how long are you going to keep explaining to me? How long are you going to be busy making excuses every time you see me? ...Let’s stop now...”

“Don’t even think about saying we should break up.”

“Shin Myung-hyun.”

“That’s the one thing I absolutely can’t do. I’ll do whatever you want. I was going to quit tutoring anyway. I’ll just move up the end date for the one I was supposed to do until next month to this month. Will that work?”

“You don’t have to go to such lengths. The fact that you and I don’t suit each other won’t change.”

“Okay, th, then, fine, let’s just have a little time to think. Talk again when you’ve calmed down a bit, okay?”

“Well, I wonder if there’s any point.”

“Jung Yeon! How could you.”

She had met him and fought countless times, but this was the first time she had spoken the words of parting.

She had tried to accept his behavior by coming up with all sorts of reasons to avoid facing the situation of breaking up. Afraid to face the fact that the relationship she had started with such courage had gone wrong again, she had struggled alone to overcome this crisis.

He ran a hand through his hair and clasped his hands as if begging.

“Yeon-ah. You can at least do that for me, right? Later, when we’ve both sorted out our thoughts, let’s meet again and talk. Okay?”

Haa. She tried to gather her complicated feelings mixed with a bursting sigh as she stood facing the front door. She pressed the password and grabbed the handle of the door that clicked open. In the end, Myung-hyun’s unconcealed resentment broke through his throat and flew towards the back of her head.

“Does that make sense? Talk sense. How can we stop seeing each other? Besides, your birthday is coming up soon, how can we spend it apart? How can I leave you alone on your birthday?”

“What good is it if your birthday is special? Are you asking me to have sex?”

At her tearful voice, which shot back with hurt, he couldn’t even blink his widened eyes for a moment.

“You’re the one who made me not trust you. You’re the one who made me like this.”

“Jung Yeon.”

He stepped into the opened door first and grabbed her shoulders with both hands, turning her to face him.

“Yeon-ah.”

“Just go. You have class tomorrow. I need to rest too.”

As she turned her head, he pressed his lips against her nape. She pushed against his approaching chest, but he only dug his attached lips in deeper, desperate to leave his mark.

“Ugh, Shin Myung, hyun.”

His urgent hand pushed its way into her panties all at once, groping her tightly closed vulva. She shook her head, and her lips, meeting his, were immediately devoured. Despite her pushing hands, his hand moved to find her unexcited opening.

“Ugh, ah, no, stop it!”

Yeon finally grabbed the hand that was trying to force its way in and pushed it away.

“Stop, stop it.”

He pulled his hand out of her panties with a hurt expression, even his eyes welling up with tears. Who was the one who was hurt? Why did he have such a wounded look? Was this something she had to understand about him too? Yeon was exhausted. She didn’t want to clash in this emotional battle anymore.

“Please, Myung-hyun-ah. Stop.”

“...We’re not breaking up. We’re just taking some time apart. That’s all. Yeah, let’s think about it. You look tired right now. Once you feel a little better, we’ll talk again then. But no matter how much I think, it’s always you for me. I’ll contact you. I love you.”

He kissed her cheek, holding back his regret as much as he could, and opened the door to leave.

Love, she didn’t know what it was anymore. Was this love, just receiving wounds like this? Why was her dating life always so painful? Why?

Had she asked too much of the other person? She had only wished for them to stay by her side, but perhaps that was too much to hope for.

“Don’t get hurt, Jung Yeon.”

Don’t expect anything, and don’t get hurt. She said to herself. It was like self-hypnosis.