#192: As Before (3)

She hadn’t intended to cry, but she couldn’t hold back and eventually did. She heard him sigh as he wiped away her tears, lightly chiding her with, “You’re crying more and more.”

But Shen Xiling felt entirely justified in her response.

She wasn’t a crybaby—she simply became more sentimental around him for reasons she couldn’t quite explain. Perhaps it was because deep down she knew he would indulge her, so she didn’t need to hide or pretend to be strong.

Besides… wasn’t it his fault for saying such touching words that made her cry? How dare he turn the tables and blame her?

She cried even harder, determined to drive him crazy.

Their days passed smoothly, as if they weren’t imprisoned in a foreign land but were instead living a secluded life, almost carefree and at ease.

Sometimes, they would nap together under the loquat tree, waking up to the lush greenery of the mountains. Once, Shen Xiling couldn’t help but express her thoughts to Qi Ying: “Do you think if we had really eloped years ago, this is the kind of life we’d have led?”

She looked up at him with a smile. “Thinking about it now, this isn’t so bad.”

Her attitude was very optimistic, but Qi Ying didn’t seem entirely convinced. He closed his eyes again, murmuring something indistinct. Shen Xiling didn’t catch it, and when she pressed him, he refused to elaborate, leaving her frustrated.

However, Shen Xiling had grown accustomed to his reticence. No matter what she asked, he wouldn’t reveal anything. She realized it was better not to argue with him but to find other ways to get what she wanted. She no longer expected him to volunteer information and instead quietly observed everything.

Take, for instance, the Northern Wei soldier who delivered supplies daily.

A while back, Qingzhu had told her that the same person came every day. This puzzled her. The Northerners weren’t fools—if they sent the same person daily to interact with the detained, wouldn’t they fear he might be bribed? Unless he was deliberately placed there, a small pawn making it easier for Qi Ying to communicate with the outside world.

She had always known the Liang’s Secretariat wielded immense power, especially under his leadership. Many officials she dealt with in her business might be his subordinates. But she didn’t believe the Secretariat’s reach extended this far. If they truly had such omnipotent abilities, why were they still imprisoned? They would have escaped long ago.

This left only one possibility: someone was helping him.

Was it Gu Juhán? Did they have some secret agreement?

Or perhaps… someone even higher-ranking than Gu Juhán.

What was Qi Ying thinking? What was he waiting for? All agreements were ultimately exchanges of interest. This time, what was he offering the Wei in return?

A fog obscured Shen Xiling’s vision, and she had yet to pierce through it, barely glimpsing the heavy shadows behind it.

By May, Qi Ying suffered another bout of withdrawal symptoms.

It hit hard.

Shen Xiling had heard about the addiction to the Five-Stone Powder before. Anyone who used it regularly had to take it periodically; otherwise, their body would feel as though ants were gnawing at them.

That day, he was in excruciating pain. He could barely hold his chopsticks during the meal, the veins on the back of his hand bulging, his body drenched in cold sweat. He panted heavily, and she clung to him, terrified and heartbroken, feeling how scorching his body was and how fast his heart raced. For a moment, she even thought… he might die from the pain right then and there.

Yet, even in that state, he was still comforting her. She could feel him desperately masking his agony, pretending to be fine, telling her, “It’s alright, don’t be afraid…”

Interestingly, Shen Xiling’s personality was somewhat peculiar. Normally, she cried easily in his presence, shedding tears over the smallest things. Yet, faced with such a major crisis, she managed to hold back her tears completely, not even feeling the urge to cry.

Not a single tear fell, and she absolutely refused to give in to letting him take the drug. Instead, she stayed by his side, holding him tightly, repeatedly whispering in his ear, “I’m not afraid, I’m right here…”

I’m right here.

I’ll stay with you forever.

That harrowing withdrawal lasted from morning until night. By the time the pain finally subsided, his clothes were soaked with cold sweat.

He was utterly weak but still refused to lean on her, insisting instead that she rest in his arms.

He tilted her chin to examine her closely. She knew he was checking whether she had cried.

Even in his agony, he was still concerned about whether she had shed tears.

At that moment, Shen Xiling’s heart ached so much it nearly went numb. But she didn’t want him to waste energy soothing her in his weakened state, so she simply smiled at him—a beautiful, strong smile.

She leaned in to kiss him gently, asking softly, “Are you okay?”

He held her waist, but his hands were almost devoid of strength. Still, he nodded and said, “It’s fine.”

He always said this to her… whether he was injured, sick, or facing some perilous situation, whenever she asked, he would only reply, “It’s fine,” “No problem,” “Don’t worry.”

Shen Xiling understood—he didn’t want her to see any hint of his vulnerability. He wasn’t someone overly concerned with appearances, but after spending so long in positions of power, he had grown unaccustomed to exposing his fragile side to others. Moreover, he seemed to view her as delicate and in need of protection, making him even more reluctant to reveal his wounds in front of her.

When the withdrawal symptoms first struck earlier that day, he had tried to send her out of the room. If she hadn’t stubbornly insisted on staying, he likely wouldn’t have relented.

Shen Xiling understood his mindset, so she avoided saying anything sympathetic or pitying in his presence, even refraining from showing expressions like that. She knew him well and cared for him in her own way, just as he cared for her.

She smiled at him, acted coquettishly, subtly showing more dependence on him than usual, and remained steadfastly by his side until he finally succumbed to exhaustion and fell asleep. Only then did she quietly leave the room.

She leaned against the doorframe, sitting on the ground, silently crying.

Only she knew how she endured that day. Every ounce of his pain resonated deeply within her. She could feel his suppression and struggle, yet she was powerless to help him.

And the more she hurt, the angrier she grew inside.

She hated those demons who forced him to use the Five-Stone Powder. How could they be so incompetent and shameless, relying on his protection while driving him to the brink of despair?

If the blade ever fell into her hands one day, she would…

Shen Xiling clenched her fists tightly.

At that moment, she heard footsteps approaching. She turned her head—it was Qingzhu.

Since the day Qi Ying used the powder and Shen Xiling confronted Qingzhu outside the door, he had seemed to avoid her intentionally. However, Shen Xiling didn’t pay much attention to it. For one thing, her focus these days was entirely on Qi Ying, leaving no room for concern for anyone else. Secondly, Qingzhu and she weren’t particularly close to begin with. Without urgent matters, they rarely spoke.

But today, he sought her out, cautiously approaching and sitting down about two steps away from her. Then, he fell into a long silence.

After a prolonged pause, he finally spoke with difficulty: “…I’m sorry.”

Shen Xiling knew he was apologizing for not stopping Qi Ying from using the powder earlier.

Qingzhu had been serving Qi Ying since he was a child, sold by a tooth broker to the Qi family. He still remembered how cruel that broker was, beating and berating him and the other children at will. Before entering the Qi estate, the broker had harshly warned them to behave properly. If they offended the noble masters of this divine residence, their teeth would be pulled, and they’d be cast out onto the streets to beg.

The children were terrified, imagining they were being led to face some monstrous figures. To their surprise, the Qi family members turned out to be kind.

They were personally received by Madam Yao. The beautiful and gentle lady reclined on the cushion of the sitting bed in Jiaxi Hall, smiling as she instructed her maids to distribute sweets to the children. Perhaps finding him agreeable, she pointed at him and said, “Does Jingchen lack a boy to assist with his writing? This child seems quiet and should get along well with him.”

He understood—he had struck good fortune and earned the chance to stay in this household. By staying, he would escape the broker’s grasp and avoid having his teeth pulled to become a beggar.

He was led to meet the second young master of the Qi family.

That year, Young Master Qi hadn’t yet undergone the capping ceremony but was already serving as a compiler in the Hanlin Academy. Upon seeing the boy brought to him by the maid, and hearing that his mother had assigned him to assist with writing, the young master frowned slightly, remarking, “He’s rather young.”

Indeed, he was only twelve or thirteen. If Young Master Qi refused him, he would have returned to the broker’s hands, enduring a life of hardship, beatings, and scolding.

Tongue-tied and unsure how to plead, he knelt and kowtowed repeatedly. Perhaps moved by his pitiful appearance, the young master sighed and said, “Fine, let him stay.”

With those light words, his fate was changed.

He found a stable home and a new name—Qingzhu.

He always regarded the young master as his benefactor, grateful for that nod of approval. He vowed to serve his benefactor faithfully for life, repaying his kindness.

Yet, he failed to stop him from using the Five-Stone Powder.

He hadn’t made no attempts, but he was too accustomed to obeying the young master. Each time, he couldn’t bear to see him suffer through withdrawal.

What if he had been like Shen Xiling? What if he had risked his life to stop the young master?

Could it be… the young master wouldn’t have developed such a severe addiction?

He deeply blamed himself.

Shen Xiling, of course, knew Qingzhu bore no responsibility for this. Qi Ying’s use of the powder was out of necessity, not something a servant could prevent. But today, witnessing Qi Ying endure such a harrowing withdrawal, Shen Xiling’s emotions were in disarray, and she couldn’t help but vent her anger on Qingzhu.

“What good does your apology do?” Her eyes were still red. “He was in so much pain—I even thought today he might…”

I even thought… he might die from the pain.

She couldn’t continue.

Qingzhu bowed his head deeply, his hands digging into the soil.

Shen Xiling no longer wanted to say more. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, then rose and entered the house.

Before closing the door, her final words were: “What truly constitutes loyalty, and how best to serve him… both of us should reflect on that.”

She shut the door.