FBS - 8

I stayed up all night.

After shedding tears several times while tightly holding onto the misery that made my insides feel like kneaded clay, the sun was already rising. However, the self-loathing, which should have subsided with the passage of time, was still gnawing at my core. If one were to cut open my body now, it would probably look no different from an apple eaten away by worms.

Even as I swallowed my tears, I endlessly reflected on this situation.

First, the birth control pills.

I planned to leave the mansion as soon as it was light to get them. As far as I knew, pregnancy didn’t occur just from having sex. A woman’s body had a specific fertile period, and conception only happened if one aimed for that time.

‘So, so it’ll be alright.’

I clutched the blanket all night, repeating those words over and over. I constantly forced the thought into my brain that it couldn’t possibly be that the ‘fertile period’ was recently. It was closer to brainwashing than conviction.

If I got the birth control pills from the pharmacy, I planned to hide them somewhere else this time. Recalling how he had unhesitatingly searched even my bedroom, there was no guarantee he wouldn’t do it again.

<The reason I got rid of the pills is because I don’t want you to take them, Rosen.>

<I’ll have to impregnate you before I leave.>

My stepfather’s voice, suggesting we create evidence of our depraved, beast-like intimacy, vividly echoed in my ears.

He was truly, truly mad. There was no way he could do this unless he was insane. I had vaguely guessed that he didn’t care about my mother, but I never imagined it would be to this extent.

Pregnancy, a baby!

Perhaps it was partly because I had lost my reason due to Ergel for a moment, but no matter how I looked at it, it didn’t seem like something he had said in a fit of anger. He must have been fully intending to impregnate me from the start, and so he deliberately searched my bedroom and stole the birth control pills.

I regulated my quickening heartbeat with my breathing and stared out the window. I could see the sky emitting a slightly paler light than before. Now that it was dawn, my stepfather and mother would soon wake up, and then, as a matter of course, a maid would come to fetch me, saying that breakfast was ready.

‘……I don’t want to go.’

Normally, I would have willingly participated in the shallow charade for my mother’s sake, but today I was in no mood to do so.

Every nerve in my body felt sluggishly stretched out, as if someone was grabbing me and pressing me down on the bed. Moreover, perhaps due to the intense intercourse, I felt constantly nauseous. I had no confidence that I could endure him and force food down my throat. If I were to vomit in front of the appetizing food, there would be no uglier sight.

In the end, I skipped breakfast. When I told the maid I would skip the meal, she asked with a worried expression if I wasn’t feeling well. I casually soothed her by saying I just wanted to sleep a little more and lay alone in my bedroom.

I worried that my stepfather might send someone or even come himself, but thankfully, that didn’t happen. Yet, at the same time, I felt an undeniable disappointment. The more I felt such resentment, the clearer my love became.

Resentment, after all, is an emotion that arises based on expectation. The impatience of wanting the other person to think of you even a little creates expectation, and that soon becomes evidence of love. If you don’t love, you don’t harbor expectations in the first place. So, all of this was because I loved my stepfather……. I deliberately tried to empty my overflowing emotions.

Around noon, I slowly got up.

If I had my way, I would have immediately rushed to the pharmacy, gotten the pills, and swallowed them all at once, but first, I intended to see my mother.

The memory of the terribly dissolute behavior with my stepfather yesterday was rolling around in my chest like a stone of sin. Perhaps that was why I desperately longed for my mother’s warm smile.

I wanted to see her right away. I wanted to confirm that her love for me was still the same. Even though I knew this was no different from deceiving my mother, there was no other way to shake off the anxiety that was darkly staining my heart.

And so, I was once again desperately struggling to erase my guilt, even if only for a moment.

The drawing room, which I found after asking a maid for directions, was filled with warmth. It was thanks to the fireplace burning in accordance with the cold weather.

“Mother.”

My mother was leaning against the couch. She turned to look at me, having been gazing out the window in a slightly more relaxed posture than usual. Seeing the soft curve of her eyes, as if expressing delight, my anxiety gradually subsided. I approached and lightly sat on the edge of the couch where she was sitting, and my mother familiarly caressed my cheek.

“Did you sleep well, Rosen? Why didn’t you come to breakfast?”

“I didn’t have any appetite.”

“Are you perhaps not feeling well? You seemed to have a touch of a cold last time too.”

“It’s nothing like that. I’m alright.”

The warmth enveloping my cheek made yesterday’s events seem like a dream. I leaned against my mother’s palm and remained still for a while. I felt a desire to forget everything as it was. The turbulent undercurrent that had swept over me with my mother’s marriage was too overwhelming for me to handle.

More than anything, it was difficult not being able to show my true self in front of my mother, who cherished me so much.

My mother and I had a relationship more like friends than parent and child. The time we spent together was more precious than any other moment in my life, and we didn’t keep any secrets from each other. My mother always answered my questions kindly, and I would listen to her stories with shining eyes.

But why had it turned out like this? How had I ended up with such a distant and deep secret that my mother must never find out? Even though I still loved her, why did I have to live with this guilt in my heart?

I slowly lifted my eyes. Then, belatedly, I noticed that my mother’s lips were quite chapped as she gazed at me.

“……Mother, what’s wrong with your lips?”

“Hmm?”

I took her hand that was cupping my cheek and reached out towards my mother’s lips. The texture, rougher than it looked, felt like it was digging into my fingertips.

My mother let out a short sigh.

“I think it’s because I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately.”

Even though there was no reason for it to be strange at all, my heart fluttered for a moment.

I shifted my gaze and slowly scanned my mother’s face. Her elegant and refined features were still the same, but somehow her complexion didn’t look good. She was pale and wan.

I straightened my back and asked with a slightly stiff expression, “Is something wrong?”

“No. Nothing’s wrong, dear. Why do you ask so suddenly?”

My mother drew a faint smile as if she didn’t understand my concern. But perhaps because we were so close, I clearly witnessed her curved lips trembling slightly. The smile on my face gradually faded.

My lips, about to open again, paused due to a sudden thought. A tension that ran through my entire body made me clutch the hem of my skirt tightly.

Could it be that Mother had noticed?

Our filthy and terrible, those, those dirty nights with my stepfather.

My lips moved repeatedly, but I couldn’t utter a single sound. The anxiety that had subsided due to her smile and warmth changed its stance in an instant and quickly surged up, pounding against my heart. Every cell in my body solidified tightly. I hadn’t looked in a mirror, but I was sure I had a completely dumbfounded expression.

“No, it’s nothing.”

Startled, I chose to step back to protect the fragile peace that had settled. More than that, I was afraid. Afraid that my mother might really know the whole truth.

That evoked a fear greater than I had anticipated. I had thought I was somewhat prepared, but it was just my absurd delusion. I couldn’t bear the thought of that warm gaze that looked at me turning cold. Just imagining it made my breath catch in my throat and my heart shatter into pieces. I only felt the urge to run away.

“It’s just, just that I was worried about not having greeted you this morning, so I came to see you.”

I stammered, getting up clumsily from the couch, as if trying to explain myself. Only then did I feel like I could see my mother more clearly.

Why on earth? Why had I only now noticed that her complexion was so wan?

Standing before my mother, who I could clearly sense was different from before, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t readily act because I couldn’t be sure how much my mother knew, or even if she knew anything at all in the first place.

A moment of silence followed as we looked at each other. It was I who couldn’t bear it and looked away first.

“I think I’ll go out for a bit today.”

“Where are you planning to go?”

“The plaza. I have a meeting with Ergel.”

In reality, I was going to the pharmacy, but I couldn’t tell her that directly. If I were honest, she would surely ask, “We have a family doctor in the mansion, why go to a pharmacy?” To that, saying, “Because I can’t ask the family doctor for contraception to avoid having my stepfather’s baby,” would be better off left unsaid.

When Ergel’s name came up, my mother’s eyes softly curved. Her faded complexion regained a bit of color for a moment.

Now, I was at a point where I couldn’t even accept my mother’s smile as it was. Until I knew for sure whether our relationship with my stepfather had been discovered, I would have to keep doubting, feeling tense, and being anxious. It was obvious.

Hoping I didn’t look awkward, I left the drawing room. My mind was a mess as I prepared briefly and left my bedroom.

“Young miss, where are you going?”

As I finished getting ready and was about to leave the mansion’s hall, the butler suddenly blocked my way. Like someone who had stumbled upon an unexpected obstacle, I swallowed hard.

“I’m just going to the plaza for a bit…….”

“Did you receive permission from the master?”

Originally, a noble lady would have many preparations for going out, from escorts to a carriage. Above all, one couldn’t act rashly without the head of the family’s permission. However, Barque Estellan had been a commoner ignorant of such rules until he became a noble, and perhaps because of that, he hadn’t imposed such restrictions.

Until today.

I was quite flustered as I had never been blocked like this before. I hesitated and then shook my head. There was no way I could have received permission from my stepfather. If he found out I was going out, he would immediately realize that my intention was to get contraception.

The butler wore a gentle smile. He didn’t move aside even slightly.

“I’m sorry.”

“I asked Mother for permission.”

“You can only leave after receiving the master’s permission.”

He was firm. He looked ready to grab me fiercely if I tried to push past him and run out. It wasn’t impossible, but if I did that, the fact that I was desperately trying to go out today would surely reach Barque’s ears. Perhaps he already knew about this confrontation.

I bit my lip at the blocked path right in front of me. After glaring at the butler for a moment, I slowly turned my back. If only he didn’t know about the relationship between me and my stepfather, I would somehow try to persuade him. But the shameful acts with my stepfather that I had shown him kept flashing in my mind, making it hard to even look him in the eye properly. Unlike my stepfather, I knew what shamelessness was.

Returning to my bedroom, I lay on the bed and swallowed my miserable feelings. I couldn’t understand why things were getting so tangled up. I even thought about calling a maid to ask her to go in my stead, but I gave up on that idea before long.

Everyone working in this mansion was Barque’s eyes and ears. Wasn’t it all because of Barque’s instructions that they were even being kind to me, who was just a bastard child? There were even times when I felt that the Marquis’s servants who openly scorned me were better. At least they had no interest in whatever I did.

I thought of my mother for a moment, but her pale, wan face came to mind, making me unable to bring myself to see her again. A fear crept up on me that all secrets would be revealed if I even opened my mouth.

Wiping away the hot tears that welled up in my eyes by rubbing them against the blanket, I stubbornly swallowed down the nausea that was rising again. Something was definitely going wrong, and I felt like my head would explode because I didn’t know where to start fixing it.

________________________________________

I was afraid of the consequences of skipping dinner. It was because the time with my stepfather was rapidly approaching as night fell.

The dining room, which I reached with steps heavier than usual, was empty except for him. I pretended to be nonchalant and sat opposite him in an empty seat. Thankfully, he didn’t say a word about me secretly leaving the bedroom last night.

Before long, my eyes widened.

“Mother hasn’t come yet.”

It was because the servants had started bringing out food one by one even though my mother’s designated seat across from me was empty. Barque took a sip from his water glass and murmured monotonously.

“Shillian said she would skip dinner.”

My hand, about to grasp the knife, paused. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that my whole body stiffened.

To think that I would have to be alone with the man in this vast space during the meal. While the servants flooded in like a tide and then receded like an ebb, an indescribable tension rose within me.

Clack. The sound of the door closing as the last servant exited sent a chill down my spine.

Barque ate his meal quite nonchalantly. I moved my hands, holding onto a feeling of apprehension as if I had a beast next to me that might pounce at any moment. For a while, only the sound of cutlery hitting plates could be heard in the dining room. Perhaps that was why the silence felt as sharp as thorns.

Unlike my tightly closed lips, my mind was in turmoil. Until dinner, I had been deep in thought. My mother’s gaunt complexion was bothering me too much.

Finally, unable to bear the unease, I parted my heavy lips.

“Did you perhaps say something to Mother?”

My stepfather was always involved in the issues between my mother and me. No, in the first place, there were no issues except for him. After much deliberation, I came to a new assumption: could it be that he had been caught by my mother? Since there was nothing on my end that was suspicious, my suspicion naturally focused on my stepfather.

“What do you mean?”

“……About our, relationship.”

Barque stopped cutting his meat and looked at me. Perhaps it was fortunate that my mother wasn’t here. Because if she had been, I wouldn’t have dared to look my stepfather in the eye.

“Nothing.”

“Really?”

“What is it you want to ask?”

Barque frowned and asked back in a rather cold tone. That cold attitude made me feel like I was grasping at straws, and I shrank back like a turtle. The fork he put down clinked sharply against the plate.

My stepfather suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled it towards him. The sensation of him gently licking my index finger and then putting it in his mouth and sucking on it made my spine tingle. He looked at me intently, biting and sucking on my hand instead of food.

“I heard you tried to go out during the day.”

Ah, damn it.

The butler was a more loyal person to my stepfather than I had expected. I had thought that if I retreated without causing a fuss, he would discreetly keep quiet…… I internally rebuked the butler and regretted speaking so boldly to my stepfather. If I had known I would be counterattacked like this, I would have just kept my mouth shut and eaten my meal.

As I hesitated, unable to say anything like I had in front of the butler, Barque chuckled as if he had seen right through my thoughts.

“I’m not planning to keep you locked up. Well, that also depends on how you behave.”

Hearing his casual tone, a chill ran down my spine.

“From now on, if you want to go out, tell me. Understand?”

Even with his seemingly caring tone as if he were looking out for me, I couldn’t answer. Unfortunately, that was as good as saying he had no intention of letting me go out freely.

If I said I wanted to go out, he would ask for my destination, and even if I tried to make up an excuse, he would surely guess it was the pharmacy. So, those words were no different from telling me to stay quietly in the mansion. As long as I was in his grasp, getting birth control pills had become as difficult as reaching for a star in the sky.

Just as my mood was sinking again without knowing any limits, I belatedly realized that my stepfather’s handsome face was right in front of me. He grabbed my chin and gently kissed my lips. Startled, I pulled back to stop the kiss, but as always, my stepfather followed relentlessly and pushed his tongue in.

What on earth was this, doing this in the middle of a meal? He rubbed his lips against mine as he pleased and then pulled away with a smack. The elegant corners of his lips, right in front of my eyes, curled up slightly.

“Doesn’t your pussy hurt?”

The words were highly inappropriate for being exchanged in the dining room, no, more than that, between a stepfather and a stepdaughter, and my fingertips curled into a tight ball.

“Yesterday I fucked you too hard.”

“……Father.”

“Your pretty pussy must be all swollen.”

I called out softly, meaning to ask him to refrain from such crude expressions, but as always, it had no effect whatsoever. My stepfather chuckled crudely and patted my buttocks.

“We’ll see in the bedroom after dinner.”

It was truly a remark that made my appetite plummet to the distant floor.

Barque threw those words at me and then got up and left the dining room. His steps were light, as if he was in a good mood. On the other hand, my heart was sinking into an endless swamp.

________________________________________

The sex I had with my stepfather was like a war.

My whole body would be drenched in sweat, I couldn’t even take a proper breath, and a sense of powerlessness that made it impossible to move even a finger would envelop my entire being. Today, too, I lay on the bed like a defeated soldier, barely managing to pant. The space between my legs was wet with the semen he had so thoroughly deposited, but I didn’t even have the strength to move my hand and wipe it away.

Sleepiness, riding the night like a rising tide, slowly washed over me. The only advantage of sex with him was this. It brought on drowsiness as if I had done some strenuous labor. Even if my mind was a mess, the exhaustion that permeated my entire body made my eyes close on their own. I knew this was no different from escapism, but in the face of a reality too overwhelming to bear, I was always passive, as always.

The feeling of the bed tilting to one side made my heavy eyelids open.

My stepfather’s exquisite face, his sweat-drenched hair swept back, was right in front of me.

“You need to wash up.”

He wrapped my limp arms around his neck, then supported my buttocks and lifted me up from the bed. Even though I wasn’t particularly large, and it was clearly the weight of a person, he didn’t seem to struggle at all.

My stepfather, carrying me lightly as if I were a doll, headed for the bathroom attached to the bedroom. Even though I didn’t want to react, the faint remnants of arousal in my body caused a soft groan to escape my lips as it rubbed against his skin.

“If you want to get fucked again, keep moaning in my ear like that.”

Barque muttered softly, adjusting his hold on me so I wouldn’t fall. It seemed I had unintentionally moaned against his ear. I quickly bit my lip to stifle the sound.

Still held in his arms, I entered the bathtub where hot water was steaming. He had left the bed as soon as he finished, and I wondered what he was doing, but it seemed he was preparing this. He sprinkled warm water over my limp body, which was devoid of energy.

His rough hand, which had been caressing my cheek, slid down dangerously to my collarbone and then tickled my sharply erect nipple.

“Hiss, it hurts…….”

“Have your breasts gotten a little bigger?”

The finger that had left my nipple at my protest now grasped and kneaded my entire breast as if kneading dough.

“They say they naturally get bigger when a man touches them.”

“……They don’t get bigger.”

“How would you know that? I’m the one touching them, so I know.”

Wearing a lascivious smile, he didn’t take his hand off my breast, like a child playing with a toy. I didn’t have the strength to stop him, and he wasn’t the kind of man to listen even if I did, so I let him do as he pleased.

“I’ll have to go on an expedition soon.”

Barque said, his hands wandering all over my body. At the word “expedition,” I startled and lifted my listlessly lowered eyes. A feeling of tingling ran down the back of my neck at the sudden news. Come to think of it, yesterday he had mentioned pregnancy and said, “It’s getting difficult for me to leave my post anymore.”

Even though my stepfather seemed like such a lecherous man, he was clearly the head of the national army of a country. Constantly working at the mansion would have its limits in fulfilling his duties. Furthermore, no matter how high his position, he was still just one of the knights who couldn’t disobey the emperor’s orders. This expedition, which he had to reluctantly embark on, leaving me behind, was likely by the emperor’s command.

“Ugh.”

My eyes slightly narrowed, startled by the sudden grip on my chin. Barque’s piercing blue eyes glinted right in front of me.

“Don’t think any foolish thoughts. Before I really feel like putting a chastity belt on you and leaving.”

He astoundingly noticed the slight wavering in my pupils even for a moment. As I twisted my head, the man inserted his tongue into my ear and gently scraped the inside.

“I almost want to take you on the expedition with me. But, no matter how I look at it, that would inevitably raise suspicion.”

Barque, who had whispered in my ear along with his breath, swallowed my lips as if devouring them, then released them and muttered.

“Make sure you wait obediently for two months. Understand?”

“Hiss…….”

It was easy to understand what he meant by the subject of “obediently.” It was because his hand, which had been fondling my buttocks, reached a little further into the more intimate area and caressed my vulva. As I flinched, intense ripples spread across the water surrounding us.

I nodded, registering the information that his expedition was scheduled for two months in my mind.

“Kiss me.”

My stepfather, who had been steadily gazing at me, lowered his eyes. His hand, which was gently stroking my buttocks, would surely change its attitude and strike my skin fiercely enough to sting if he became displeased.

I obediently kissed him, trying hard not to make him upset, while constantly racking my brain. My stepfather’s first outing in months. His absence. An as-yet-unfathomable hope and a strange sense of impatience pressed down on me simultaneously.

Perhaps it was because of the expedition preparations, but he became incredibly busy from the very next day.

During meals, pretending not to care, I overheard that he would be departing in four days. And during those four nights, he embraced me even more fiercely and persistently. He wouldn’t let go even after the sun rose, as if preparing for not seeing me for two months.

When I cried, wanting him to stop because it was too difficult, he would soothe me with his characteristic leisureliness and stubbornly force his way into my open vulva. Because of that, I had no choice but to skip breakfast for four days. My appetite had completely disappeared due to the semen the man had poured inside me.

Finally, four days later, my stepfather joined the Imperial Army and left for the expedition.

The mansion without him felt empty, as if a large presence had vanished. Yet, at the same time, I couldn’t ignore the relief I felt.