#186: Change (3)

At that moment, Shen Xiling hadn’t yet realized what he was about to say next, so she let her guard down and answered truthfully: “General Gu is upright and has always treated me kindly.”

“He truly is a gentleman,” Qi Ying said indifferently, then suddenly raised his eyes to look at her, his gaze carrying some hidden meaning. “But his kindness toward you likely isn’t solely due to his character.”

Shen Xiling was taken aback. It took her a moment to understand what he meant—he was suggesting that Gu Juhán harbored deeper feelings for her?

In truth, Shen Xiling wasn’t certain whether Gu Juhán liked her. Before the Buddha Bathing Festival, they had indeed spoken once, and she vaguely sensed something different, though it remained ambiguous.

However, in this moment, when Qi Ying brought it up, Shen Xiling instinctively felt she couldn’t agree with him. She quickly shook her head and said, “Master, you’re overthinking it. General Gu was merely entrusted to take care of me—nothing more.”

Qi Ying chuckled after hearing her words but didn’t press further or argue.

He lowered his eyelids and picked up another piece of fragrant toona sinensis, then suddenly asked, “What about you?”

Shen Xiling didn’t understand his meaning and asked, “What do you mean?”

He set down his chopsticks and looked at her again. This time, his expression grew distant as he said, “He protected you for five years, just as I did. Could it be that you feel nothing different toward him?”

These words…

The moment Shen Xiling heard them, her brows furrowed tightly. A sharp pang pierced her heart, and her speech immediately quickened, her tone tinged with urgency. “What do you mean, Master? Are you doubting that I have private feelings for General Gu?”

Qi Ying locked eyes with her across the short table. Though he sat inside the room, he still seemed shrouded in the mountain mist, making it hard for Shen Xiling to see clearly.

“Wenwen,” he sighed, “How can you be so sure it’s not just an infatuation with me?”

His gaze exuded endless coldness, colder even than the chill of the mountain air.

“When you came of age, I told you that life is long and filled with complexities. Unfulfilled desires make up eight or nine out of ten experiences. If something brings you joy but also fear, remember there’s no need to look back.” His voice softened as he spoke, recalling the past with both sentimentality and detachment. Lowering his tone further, he continued, “We once shared deep affection and lingered in each other’s embrace, but those days are now irretrievable. Why cling so tightly to what’s already gone?”

He gazed at her as if he no longer loved her. “Are you truly unable to let go of me? Or are you deceiving yourself?”

Each word fell into her ears, clear and understandable on their own, yet strung together, they felt like an incomprehensible riddle.

Her gaze wavered as she stared at him incredulously and asked, “…Master, are you saying my feelings for you are false?”

He neither confirmed nor denied it but instead uttered something even crueler.

“Ten years ago, I saved you, and later kept you by my side for five years,” he said. “At that time, you were young and perhaps couldn’t distinguish between romantic love and other kinds of affection. Or perhaps, if someone else had saved you back then, you would have fallen in love with them instead.”

His voice grew softer, yet its weight became heavier.

“What if it had been Gu Wenruo who saved you five years ago?” He looked directly into her eyes. “If our positions were reversed, would you still have fallen in love with me?”

Shen Xiling truly never expected that, after enduring so much heartache in her life, she could still feel as though she were dying from pain in this moment.

She had considered the possibility that, after five years, their feelings might have faded—or that he might have fallen in love with someone else and no longer loved her. But she had never imagined… that he would question the authenticity of her feelings for him.

She was willing to live and die for him, to do anything for him, even to become a completely different person for his sake. Yet he casually dismissed her decade-long devotion as mere “infatuation” and even suggested she could fall in love with someone else.

He was negating everything between them.

Negating her ten years—and perhaps her entire life.

After all that had happened yesterday, Shen Xiling truly thought she wouldn’t shed any more tears. Yet, unexpectedly, tears spilled uncontrollably from her eyes. After crying so much yesterday, her tears should have dried up, leaving her eyes dry and aching. Now, as fresh tears streamed down, her head throbbed painfully, as if pierced by needles.

Yet she barely felt it. Her gaze remained fixed on him, desperately searching for some trace of insincerity on his face—but ultimately, she failed.

“Do you really think this way?” she asked. “Or are you just trying to drive me away?”

Her tears fell onto her lapel and vanished almost instantly.

“If it’s to make me leave, can’t you find another way?” Her eyelashes trembled faintly. “This method… I can’t bear it.”

Under the short table, Qi Ying’s hand clenched tightly, trembling slightly like hers. But he concealed it well; his face remained calm and unruffled, just as it always was.

He remained silent.

Shen Xiling lowered her head slightly and poked at the bowl of egg custard with her chopsticks.

Its steam had dissipated, but its color remained enticing. Yet he had only tasted it once at the very beginning and hadn’t touched it since.

Just like their feelings for each other…

She still poured her heart into maintaining it, but he believed it had changed and refused to touch it anymore.

Shen Xiling closed her eyes briefly, steadying her breathing. Then, summoning her courage, she looked at him again and said, “When we parted in Langya, you once told me that steadfast rocks don’t shift. You promised to always remember me.”

“Have you broken your promise?”

“Or… were you lying to me?”

“Why did you come to Shangjing? When we parted, you promised to visit me in five years. Now you’ve come, and among all the officials in Liang, why is it you who came to escort the princess for her marriage alliance? Was it a coincidence?”

“Why did you go to Yi Lou to see me that day? Why did you send me egg custard?”

“If you say I’m obsessed, then what about you?”

“If you say I didn’t understand romantic love back then, what about you?”

She questioned him one sentence after another, her tone intense. Yet it wasn’t an accusation—she simply sought answers from him.

Finally, he broke his silence.

He looked at her without evasion and replied, “I came to Shangjing for state affairs, not to see you. That day, I did go to Yi Lou with the intention of seeing you, but from behind the screen, I saw how well you got along with Gu Wenruo and realized I was wrong.”

“You are capable of stepping into a new life. You’ve done well. If I hadn’t come, the two of you would have continued down that path, just like us five years ago.”

“Not every matter in this world ends with a resolution. I am not your resolution—Wenwen, leave. Stop being so stubborn.”

When Shen Xiling heard the words “stubborn,” her heart sank into desolation.

Perhaps she really was stubborn. After all these years, she still hadn’t emerged from that heavy snowfall in Jiankang ten years ago. During the Buddha Bathing Festival, she had rushed into a fiery inferno to find him. When Gu Juhán chased in to save her, he had called her stubborn too—similar to this “stubbornness.”

She wanted to explain to Qi Ying that she wasn’t someone who clung to things unnecessarily. If someone were to take away her wealth, even if it was painstakingly earned, she wouldn’t hesitate to let it go—it wasn’t a big deal.

She simply couldn’t let go of him.

Although he had doubted and even negated their decade-long relationship, Shen Xiling herself was certain—she loved him. Even if she were given a thousand or ten thousand chances to relive her life, she would still fall in love with him. This was their karmic connection, their fleeting moment of existence.

But perhaps he no longer wanted to hear these old words.

Shen Xiling set down her chopsticks, glanced once more at the bowl of egg custard, and then turned to look at Qi Ying again.

At that moment, it seemed she had so much to say. Several times, she opened her mouth to speak, but in the end, she remained silent.

After repeating this cycle a few times, she finally seemed to grow weary. Without leaving a single word, she stood up and walked out the door.

The door closed softly behind her, letting in a wisp of mountain mist that quickly dissipated.

It was as if she had never been there, leaving no trace behind.

Qi Ying finally loosened the hand under the table that had turned white from gripping so tightly. He exhaled deeply, as if expending the last ounce of his strength.

He waited patiently, wondering if she would return. But by noon, by sunset, by nightfall—she never came back.

She had finally left for good. Perhaps she was already by another man’s side.

This was good.

Qi Ying began coughing again, and the familiar pain slowly crept through his body.

It was a sign that his addiction was about to flare up.

He struggled fiercely against this torment, his fingers trembling faintly. With such unsteady hands, he picked up the spoon again and began eating the egg custard she had made, now completely cold.

In truth, she didn’t know that he hadn’t particularly liked egg custard when he was younger. Especially her original version, which included milk and a hint of sweetness—something he didn’t enjoy.

But somehow, over time, he had grown to like it. Upon reflection, if she had initially served him something else, he would have liked that too—it wasn’t about the dish itself. He simply liked her.

Even now, he still loved her and the egg custard she made. Though its flavor had changed slightly, and though she was no longer exactly the same as when she was a child, none of that diminished his affection for her. In fact, he loved her even more deeply, with the last remnants of warmth and softness in his heart.

He finished the entire bowl of egg custard, but she still hadn’t returned.

So be it.

He called Qingzhu in. Qingzhu, who had anxiously waited outside the door all day, finally heard his master call for him and entered joyfully.

But as soon as he stepped inside, he heard his master ask him to pour wine.

This was a subtle way of phrasing it; what his master truly wanted was… the Five-Stone Powder.

Had his addiction flared up again?

Qingzhu knelt beside Qi Ying, wanting to beg him not to touch that substance again. But then he saw the veins on his master’s hand standing out, his labored breathing a sign of immense pain.

Qingzhu was terrified and couldn’t bear to see him suffer any longer. Steeling himself, he ran out to “pour the wine.” He returned shortly after—warm wine laced with the deadly Five-Stone Powder, sweet like a spring, yet poisonous like venom.

Qi Ying reached out with difficulty to take the bowl of wine. As he drank it, waves of self-loathing surged within him, accompanied by… a flicker of liberation.

The Five-Stone Powder was indeed a filthy thing, but he had to admit that over the past five years, it had saved his life at times.

His life was a bottomless quagmire, suffocating him day and night. Sometimes, he even forgot why he kept persevering. But the Five-Stone Powder brought him fleeting moments of bliss. After consuming it, he often experienced hallucinations—in which she returned to his side, gazing at him with the same tender eyes from years ago, snuggling close and playfully teasing him. The sensation felt so real, allowing him to briefly forget his pain and loneliness.

He succumbed to these false comforts, even indulging in them in secret corners where no one knew.

Those illusory reunions.

That fabricated intimacy.

And now, beautiful illusions appeared before his eyes once more.

She had returned.

She hadn’t left. She had come back to him, despite all the harsh words he had spoken to her.

It seemed she had discovered his downfall, for she looked both sorrowful and angry. She cried, filling him with guilt and heartache.

He embraced her and uncontrollably kissed her. The heat from the drug made his entire body burn. He could no longer control himself.

Or perhaps he no longer wished to.

Even if it was false.

Even if it was madness.

Even if it was only for tonight.

…Can you stay with me?